[Mom6547]

Turnera and I had a lovely conversation about parenting and discipline philosophy. Love it. It made me think of something I was wondering about.

Where do you get your information and/or thoughts that guide your parenting decisions?

I get this sense, though I have never really asked any of my friends specifically, that many people feel that they should just know the best way. I remember telling my FIL that I was reading a book. He thought I was full of nonsense, got frustrated with me, and told me I ought to just act on instinct.

Seems to me that instinct it great (though obviously not foolproof) for wild animals to use to make sure they are breeding, not eating poisoned food, able to defend themselves according to their adaptations... But for a complicated journey through a complicated social system, seems to me more thought is needed.

I know many of us take from our own upbringing, making judgments about what we liked about our own and getting rid of what we disliked. I remember when my son was very small having my Mom tell me that toddler proofing the house was stupid. Just slap his hand really hard. It will scare him and hurt his feelings, so he won't mess with my stuff any more. I remember thinking THAT was why I never went to her for help with my teenage problems! I was terrified of her.

My Dad on the other hand was really good at engendering cooperation and setting limits in a positive way that did not damage self esteem and make you feel like a bad person so why bother anyway, which is what my Mom made all of us feel.

When my son was very small, I started reading some books. Some I thought were wrong. Some I thought were great. But I know lots of parents who would sooner die than "admit" that they "need" a book. I don't get it. What is wrong with evaluating someone else' thoughts?

So I ask you. How did you go about framing your approach to parenting? Do you consider yourself a good parent/disciplinarian? (For the record, I think most kids survive even ****ty discipline when their parents are mostly caring and loving. It may be a little harder on child and parent both but kids turn out ok in the end.) Are your kids well behaved, in general? Do you think reading books or going to workshops is something only for extremely bad parents with out of control kids?

[mentallydrained]

Upbringing, definately a major factor for me and H. And sadly, I'm learning it's the WORST one.

We are like a non stop battle ground when it's the 3 of us. Have a few books, slowly reading and implementing things learned. But she is now 7 and staring new techniques 7 years after the fact is very, very stressful. Like everything else, I feel we feel into a rut, or comfort zone, and are struggling to get out.

H & I are almost like oil and water when it comes to parenting. He is more the bully, control, very dominate and powering kind. I am total opposite until pushed to my last limit. He reminds me of my dad and wants our DD to 'fear' him to a point. I feared my dad. Hated it. Now, I try to defuse every situation that comes to light that I see headed that way between him and her. Hate that too.

Definatley new parents to be...should not rely on their upbringing. Times are forever changing.

[magnoliagal]

I didn't have good role models so I've read tons of parenting books, have attended parenting seminars and have followed my own instincts. As a result my kids are very well behaved. I hear it all the time from teachers, friends and family.

[Mom6547]

Magnoliagal, do you have favorite teachers/authors? I am always interested in new perspectives. I also hear from folk how well behaved my kids are. It was a tough slog though because my Mom was a guilt, shame, fear type. I did not want to instill fear in my kids and had to start from the ground up.

[Duddy]

I've worked with emotionally and behaviorally high needs children and adolescents as a residential treatment program developer and program psychotherapist. I've also worked as a behavior consultant for a large school board. I'm an award winning mental health and relationship expert at justanswer.com. I'd love to provide free information and support to couples on this site related to behavioral parenting strategies that work.

It may be off topic to the wonderful question posted here Mom6547, but if I can help anyone here with evidence-based parenting strategies for more serious behavior problems and marital intervention strategies for couples dealing with such problems, please let me know by posting a separate question on the forum and inviting me to share resources.

I'm very sorry Mom6547 for interrupting the flow of your important post. Please forgive me.

Your Online Marriage Coach,
- Duddy.