Join Date: Apr 2011
| | I want kids, but is HE ready???
My husband and I have been together for six years, and married for five. He has a child from a previous relationship. I have no children of my own. Everytime I bring up having kids my husband freaks out and uses the "we aren't ready financially" excuse. He always says "in a year or two", and he's been saying that for literally about five years now, when I think we'd be fine financially, and that is not the issue.
I have wanted kids for a long time, but have started mentioning it more seriously over the past two years. I'm very close to my Stepdaughter, and can't bare the thought of not having her in my life, but my husband and I don't seem to see eye-to-eye anymore. I ask him to do a few things around the house regularly, and he can never seem to handle it. He doesn't seem to want to see his daughter more than once a month, and that bothers me. I don't know why he wouldn't want her to live with us all the time, let alone half the time - but he only seems to try and fix that once I get on his case. We live about 3 hours away from his ex, and meet halfway every 3 weeks to pick up his child.
I'm tired of wanting him to be a better father, and seeing his child more. I'm tired of having to ask him repeatedly to do things around the house, and I'm tired of him getting angry so easily when I have to ask him for the billionth time. I'm tired of him playing stupid ass video games when he's almost 30 years old, but I know everyone has their hobbies. However, why is it that my husband is playing video games, or trying to join a local band, when he should be trying to better his relationship with his child, and maybe also be planning a future for our children? Or at least begin to desire to have them?!
I feel like I resent him a lot. I'm not really attracted to him anymore, and don't want to have sex with him anymore either. I love him, but it's starting to feel like I love him more as a friend. I don't know what to do. We have fun sitting around on the couch watching tv and movies together, eating meals, cooking together, grocery shopping, whatever small stuff, but I think I want to have children, but I don't feel confident that he will be the father to my children that I want him to be. I get the feeling that if I brought it up today he would still say "maybe in a year or so", and I just don't want to hear it. I'm 26 years old, and am hoping to have three kids. I would never pressure him, or try and get pregnant "on accident". That is not my style. But I am tired of being patient, tired of waiting, and feel ready for the next step in my life. I have always wanted to be a mom.
But is HE ready?
What if he's not? What if he never will be? Should I just end things now? I feel like if I stuck around, and kept loving him the way I do now, would I fall back into being attracted to him like I used to be, or would I resent the fact that I stayed, had children, and then was forced to realize that I was right all along, and that he wasn't ready to step up and be the man I so desire?
I was in a car accident previously, and have messed up my shoulder and upper back. One time my husband and I got to talking about kids, and I asked him if he really wanted any anytime soon, and he said, "Fine. You want me to be honest? I think if we have kids I'm going to have to be the one to take care of it, because of your back." And "I don't want to have to come home from a long days work and have to take care of the kid, just because your back hurts." And "Do you REALLY think you can handle being a mom right now? Seriously?" Each of those things crushed me inside, especially because I'm currently doing a great job of taking care of his child! How dare he ask me if I think I can handle having kids? And who gives a crap if you have to help out when you get home from work? He acts like it would be this giant burden, when really it's just called PARENTING! I don't think he can handle this, and I don't know what to do.
I'm considering a separation, but don't know where I'd go. I'm not financially able to get my own apartment, and I don't really know what it is that we'd be "working" on. I get the feeling he'd apologize like crazy and tell me he'd change. He'd probably even lie to get me to stay, by saying we can go ahead and have kids this year or something. But I don't want lies. I don't want pity. And I don't want to have kids with someone who doesn't truly want them.
But what about me?
I WANT KIDS!
Seeing all of my friends have kids makes me jealous too. Happy for them, but always a little jealous. It's hard to answer the question "why don't you have any kids?" Or "when are you guys planning to have kids?" Because you don't want to tell people the truth, which is that I want kids now, he doesn't...
Anyway, if anyone has any advice for me whatsoever, please help. Thank you!
I've posted about this before, but could use more advice.