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I have a 14yr old step daughter; she's a good kid and has attitude for sure. I’m struggling with my role as a step parent. Maybe bc she's 14 and I’m 27? Or I’m jealous my husband had another kid and I wish it was just us…….?
My husband is 37 and his daughter is from a previous marriage. Together we have a 1yr old daughter.
I struggle being a boss/parent around the 14yr old. I feel more like I’m her nanny and she's my boss. When I try to take control back I get lots of attitude and immaturely give attitude back to her and my husband doesn’t help. He says he wont choose a side bc if he chooses my side then its us against her and she’s the outsider. But I feel like I’m the outside bc he doesn’t have my back on parenting her. I don’t know what to do. I feel myself starting to hate the child living with us, I’m getting *****y and snappy more and more and that’s not right. Any advice?
1) Family Counseling -at that age attitude is prevalent, but she may be having issues in regards to her dad's divorce and everything. Having an open forum is good
2) Sit down with your husband and draw up basic household rules - What chores she is responsible for, No back talking, etc. Also make a list of the punishments if a rule is broken. Do this when she isn't in trouble, that way there is no 'side taking' and you present a united front. Its very easy to say "you just got a major attitude with me, you know the punishment for that is loosing your cell phone for 3 days, if you don't bring it under control right now then hand over the phone. She knows the consequences for her actions up front. She can't go to dad and say your being unfair, because the rules is the rules . If you punish her while dad is gone, then dad has to stand behind you and say "I wasn't here, I don't know what happened, its between your SM and you"
After that if he doesn't back you up then he is in the wrong and needs to step up.
OP we are in a similar situation. Im 26years old and my H is 34. The difference btwn us is that he has 6 kids and we dont have any children together. 3 of this kids ages 11 (B),13 (G), 14(B) lives with us now. They moved in with us about a month ago from another state and it has been hard bc I have a 8 year son who is having a hard time adjusting. I have gotten into arguments with his kids about thier behavior and attitude towards my son.
We have only been married for about 4 months and we are having a hard time adjusting. I have no advice but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone
We might have to seek marriage counseloring soon bc our family is sooo stressed out....
I just wanted to comment on what your husband said about if he backs you up then it becomes the two of you against her, and she is the outsider. That is ridiculous. Will he use this logic with your one year old? Only one of you must discipline the child to avoid 2 against 1? Will the kid be an outsider if you BOTH agree he be punished for something. I'm really so tired of that logic from biological parents - IMO it is a cop out. They can throw that out and sound like such concerned parents when, really, it just relieves them of having to discipline their child.
Being a Step parent is hard and it generally doesn't get any easier as time goes on. I am a Step parent to 3 children (14 girl, 12 boy and 9 boy) plus we have our own daughter who is 7. Have never had any problesm with the oldest girl and I got into this relationship with my wife when she was still pregnant with the 9 year old boy. But for whatever reason the 12 boy and I have always had problems. We had the state investigate us four or five time (I say us but the allagations were all directed at me) with nothing ever being found. For a while he told everyone he was going to kill himself and he went into therapy, with no real outcome (His Father had him go and never shared anything with us).And for the past several years has had problems with fighting at school but only with girls, as a matter of fact he was beat up by two of his male "friends" and just layed down and took the beating without trying to fight back. He is constintly fighting with all his siblings but if I say or do anything I'm in the wrong. It gotten to the point where I really want nothing to do with him when we have him.
The oldest has always been a joy and I've raised the youngest son since birth , though he now has a relationship with his biologicial father. But for whatever reason the 12 is a handful and seems to be getting worse. So I understand what it's like to not have your spouse be on the same page with you even when they know it's the right thing to do.
Being a step-parent IS hard. You should not try to be her mother, but you are an adult in charge in your home and as such, she needs to abide by the family/house rules.
Your husband may feel protective of her, and in some ways that is wonderful because it means he really loves her and wants what is best for her. But he needs to agree to rules and boundaries with you and how they should be implemented.
Sometimes step-parents are more tough on their step-kids than on their biological kids, so be aware of this. And teens are tough and if your expectations are unrealistic, this will also be a problem.
I would get family counseling to work this out. My husband and I did this and it helped. It's very tough to blend families and you need to be flexible and to have realistic expectations.
Wow, that's really one tough situation you have there. Well, this is not actually an expert advice but seeing through your problem, I guess the first thing you should focus on is how to establish a good relationship with your SD. Maybe talk to her first about how good your intention is and will do your best to make her feel that you love her and that she's your daughter too. But explain to her that you would need for her to cooperate so that you won't all be having a hard time. If it needs therapy for both of you to be able to do that, then it's probably worth a try.
Proper and clear communication does play a very crucial role into understanding each other's sentiments and worries. That includes your husband knowing your side of the story and how you feel about him not taking part in teaching his daughter some respect in dealing with her SM. She should be thankful enough to know that her parents are not considering anything like this because some parents do, especially when they're dealing with difficult to control teens.
I agree on the step parenting being hard. My step kids were 10 and 12 when I met them. We didn't connect real well. I was not prepared and it doesn't help when the mom wants you to be the disciplinarian too. She needed to step up in those situations because the kids and I couldn't bond if I had to be the one to keep them in line. And I told her how I felt. But she wanted them to like her more than anything.
I have a 14yr old step daughter; she's a good kid and has attitude for sure. I’m struggling with my role as a step parent. Maybe bc she's 14 and I’m 27? Or I’m jealous my husband had another kid and I wish it was just us…….?
My husband is 37 and his daughter is from a previous marriage. Together we have a 1yr old daughter.
I struggle being a boss/parent around the 14yr old. I feel more like I’m her nanny and she's my boss. When I try to take control back I get lots of attitude and immaturely give attitude back to her and my husband doesn’t help. He says he wont choose a side bc if he chooses my side then its us against her and she’s the outsider. But I feel like I’m the outside bc he doesn’t have my back on parenting her. I don’t know what to do. I feel myself starting to hate the child living with us, I’m getting *****y and snappy more and more and that’s not right. Any advice?
I`ve been a step parent for the past 13-14 years.
It is the most difficult thing I`ve ever done or expect to do.
You must sit down with your husband and explain to him the he needs to support you in this role.
If he refuses to do so the only thing you can do is to disengage from being a parent on a daily basis.
If you`d like to know how to do this I`ll give you some tips.
It isn`t easy and it isn`t pretty but it`s your only option if your husband isn`t behind you.
It`s the only thing that will keep your marriage healthy.
I chose to disengage 10 years ago as the tension would have destroyed my marriage.
Now I`m seeing light at the end of the tunnel.
I`ve been a step parent for the past 13-14 years.
It is the most difficult thing I`ve ever done or expect to do.
You must sit down with your husband and explain to him the he needs to support you in this role.
If he refuses to do so the only thing you can do is to disengage from being a parent on a daily basis.
If you`d like to know how to do this I`ll give you some tips.
It isn`t easy and it isn`t pretty but it`s your only option if your husband isn`t behind you.
It`s the only thing that will keep your marriage healthy.
I chose to disengage 10 years ago as the tension would have destroyed my marriage.
Now I`m seeing light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm the mom and H is the step-parent. It is tough and I have his back even! Kids are good at guilting the natural parent, that's why I like the approach of the poster who said lay out the rules when things are going well, spelled out clear with consequences. If he refuses to back you, then I'd back away from ALL discipline and when daddy gets home for the day, report factually what happened and leave him to deal with it. Posted via Mobile Device
If he refuses to back you, then I'd back away from ALL discipline and when daddy gets home for the day, report factually what happened and leave him to deal with it. Posted via Mobile Device
That's exactly what I mean by "disengage".
It's much harder than one might think Posted via Mobile Device
That's exactly what I mean by "disengage".
It's much harder than one might think Posted via Mobile Device
From the other side of things - I disengaged and it worked like a charm. My H is stricter than I am. He believes in punishing for everything and I believe in more of a natural consequence approach when there's no danger. I get caught in the middle all the time. I finally got fed up (kids are 20 and 16 now) and told him, 'you've been parenting and loving these kids on your own for 6 years, I wouldn't take ****'s phone away for two weeks for what happened, but if you think it's right, I'll support you, but I'm not doing it.'. Well Mr. Hardnose didn't do ANYTHING! I was willing to accept whatever he chose to do, but I was tired of being the enforcer for things I didn't agree on. I removed myself from the middle, and my H learned to compromise a little - win - win. Off topic, but your comment made me think of that. Posted via Mobile Device
I`ve been a step parent for the past 13-14 years.
It is the most difficult thing I`ve ever done or expect to do.
You must sit down with your husband and explain to him the he needs to support you in this role.
If he refuses to do so the only thing you can do is to disengage from being a parent on a daily basis.
If you`d like to know how to do this I`ll give you some tips.
It isn`t easy and it isn`t pretty but it`s your only option if your husband isn`t behind you.
It`s the only thing that will keep your marriage healthy.
I chose to disengage 10 years ago as the tension would have destroyed my marriage.
Now I`m seeing light at the end of the tunnel.
I'd take some tips from you Tecoma. I'm so at the end of my wits now, I'm now ready to disengage completely from my SS.
For those interested in disengaging in order to save their marriage you should talk with your spouse about how you feel you are being treated in your own home.
Explain to them that this can`t go on and explain to them that you plan to disengage.
They won`t understand, they can`t understand as they have no basis for understanding but such is life.
Once you`ve told them what you plan to do do it.
Here is what disengagement is in a nutshell.
You refuse responsibility for these children who aren`t yours.
That`s it and that`s all.
You are not responsible for their rooms being clean.
You are not responsible for them trashing the house.
You are not responsible for their homework.
You are not responsible for getting them to dance class.
You are not responsible for parenting them whatsoever and you shouldn`t even try.
Your spouse is entirely responsible for all of this.
Can you give them the occasional ride to soccer practice?
Sure, help your spouse out but you're not giving your kids a ride, you`re doing a favor for your spouses kids and that`s the attitude you should have while doing it.
What you are responsible for is how you are treated by them and how you treat them.
You will insist you and your belongings are respected.
When your boundaries are crossed by them you discuss it with them like you would with any acquaintance who tried to take advantage of you.
You don`t discipline them like a child, you speak to them like a person.
You will do exactly what you say you will do EVERY TIME!
You treat them as if they are renting a room in your home and expect the same consideration a border would give you.
This is the only interaction you have with them and it`s all you need.
This might not work for some but it worked for me.
I`m nearing the end of my step-family nightmare and the light from the end of that 13 year long tunnel is shining brightly on my face.
I can feel the warmth of it. I`m basking in it.
Here`s a quote I picked up somewhere that really hit me hard concerning my relationship with my step-sons.
"When you find that YOU are reaping the consequences of what someone else has sown.....you are enabling."*
Stop enabling, live your life as if it were actually YOUR life regardless of your spouses kids.
Here`s the caveat, they don`t like me, I don`t like them.
I don`t care because they respect me regardless.
So if you`re looking for the mythical loving child-parent relationship give it up.
The likelihood of that happening is close to zero.
step parenting is hard 
. If you punish her while dad is gone, then dad has to stand behind you and say "I wasn't here, I don't know what happened, its between your SM and you"
