Men: Would you leave if...
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Old 05-20-2011, 09:29 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Men: Would you leave if...

Okay, I need the male perspective on this issue. Imagine yourself in my husband's shoes...

- you are 50
- your wife is 37
- before you got married 7 years ago, you talked about kids. You told her you could take them or leave them. She told you it was so important to her that is was a deal breaker and so you agreed to have kids. You talked about numbers because you didn't want to end up with 6 kids, and you both agreed that 2 kids was the right number.
- due to your low sperm count, you and your wife have to use in vitro fertilization to conceive.
- after baby #1, you changed your mind and decided you couldn't handle going through that again. You told your wife you were done having kids. Finances are NOT an issue.
-your wife got very angry and resentful and the two of you argued about it for 3 years. Then she told you she was unhappy and feeling resentful and angry and asked you to go to mariage counselling.
- you refused, thinking it wouldn't do any good.
- your wife kept pushing about the baby until you felt like she was giving you an ultimatum, so you told her that you would go ahead with having a second child but you were unhappy about it. You said you would love the child anyway.
- she forges ahead with the fertility procedures, expecting you to cooperate and participate, but you are grumpy and get upset every time you have to do something like sign a form or go to an appointment. The relationship is distant and shaky.

As the time to embryo transfer approaches, what would you do - stick it out and honour your promises or consider leaving your wife and 4 year old (whom you love more than anything in the world)?
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Old 05-20-2011, 09:43 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Would you leave if...

Go to counseling. This is about way more than babies.
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Old 05-20-2011, 01:24 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Would you leave if...

Ditto go to the counseling.
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Old 05-20-2011, 02:03 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Would you leave if...

Quote:
Originally Posted by AllTornUp View Post
Okay, I need the male perspective on this issue. Imagine yourself in my husband's shoes...

- you are 50
- your wife is 37
- before you got married 7 years ago, you talked about kids. You told her you could take them or leave them. She told you it was so important to her that is was a deal breaker and so you agreed to have kids. You talked about numbers because you didn't want to end up with 6 kids, and you both agreed that 2 kids was the right number.
You agreed.

Quote:
- due to your low sperm count, you and your wife have to use in vitro fertilization to conceive.
- after baby #1, you changed your mind and decided you couldn't handle going through that again. You told your wife you were done having kids. Finances are NOT an issue.
You TOLD her. Loads of points for taking her feelings into consideration.

Quote:
-your wife got very angry and resentful and the two of you argued about it for 3 years. Then she told you she was unhappy and feeling resentful and angry and asked you to go to mariage counselling.
- you refused, thinking it wouldn't do any good.
I will never understand why people do this. Gee I can do SOMETHING to try to work on my marriage. Or I can just say NAH I don't wanna. Neener neener.

I mean it seems like the lowest of due diligence before you even THINK of getting out.

Quote:
- your wife kept pushing about the baby until you felt like she was giving you an ultimatum, so you told her that you would go ahead with having a second child but you were unhappy about it. You said you would love the child anyway.
- she forges ahead with the fertility procedures, expecting you to cooperate and participate, but you are grumpy and get upset every time you have to do something like sign a form or go to an appointment. The relationship is distant and shaky.

As the time to embryo transfer approaches, what would you do - stick it out and honour your promises or consider leaving your wife and 4 year old (whom you love more than anything in the world)?
You get out leaving her with a boat load of child support and alimony.
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Old 05-20-2011, 02:50 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Would you leave if...

I wouldnt be surprised if she ends up leaving a resentful man who doesn't mean what he says and then acts Like a jerk about it.
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Old 05-20-2011, 11:28 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Would you leave if...

You are now 54. At that age I wouldn't want new children, although surely you considered the complications when you discussed it a few years ago. It doesn't sound like that's the issue, but its part of what I would consider in your shoes.
It's hard to consider yourself bound by your earlier decisions when you learn things your younger self didn't know--the trauma of in-vitro process, exhaustion caring for young children, whatever. And at the same time, your wife is feeling like her dream is being taken away for "no good reason."

I think your wife is more likely to listen to you in counseling, especially since you've probably said it all before.

It sounds like you are being passive-aggressive currently. I doubt that'll help anything. Either say no, explain why and don't go along with the procedure--grudgingly or otherwise--or change your mind and embrace the new child and do the treatment with as good an attitude as possible. I think the worst course is where you let her get started while planning the divorce.

Unless she'd rather be a single mom of two than a family with one and you'd rather be father with all the financial liabilities of two but living elsewhere.
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Old 06-07-2011, 03:00 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Would you leave if...

Quote:
Originally Posted by jimrich View Post
She told you it was so important to her that is was a deal breaker and so you...
>> Said bye, bye AND LEFT.........end of story!
If you weren't totally committed to having a family, then honestly that would have been more merciful in the end than torturing me. I'd have found someone else to share my dreams and life with. I totally do not believe there is only one true love for each person, etc etc. I'm sure most people on this forum feel the same way!
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Old 06-07-2011, 12:53 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Would you leave if...

If you agreed to two kids and want to remain married, then stick to the agreement. A lot of people, and likely your wife, strongly believe that a sibling for the child is best.

Only children can do just fine. However, a healthy relationship with a brother or sister can last a lifetime.

On the other hand, if you're now totally against having more children, pay the price.

Your wife's disappointment, your wallet hit, and you trying to explain why you're going back on your word on something so important.

If you do not see the joy being snuffed out, then maybe you ought to explore that with a professional.
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Old 06-07-2011, 01:14 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Would you leave if...

Anyone with a burning desire to have kids should have a lobotomy if they marry a partner who can "take them or leave them". If the unparentally inclined partner at the outset turned out to be less than committed seven years later, nobody should be even slightly surprised. A 43 year old guy has a pretty good idea whether he wants to father kids or not and a 30 year old woman ought to have sense enough to know a less-than-enthusiastic response when she hears one. This problem isn't new, it was created 7 years ago. We aren't talking about ordering Chinese for dinner. She was cool with marrying a guy who obviously had no interest in raising kids and he was cool with half-way feigning interest he didn't actually have. One child sounds like a reasonable compromise. It's impossible to go back in time. Learning that's it not cool to brow-beat someone into becoming a completely different human being might be helpful. Why not go to counseling?
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Old 06-07-2011, 03:43 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Men: Would you leave if...

Quote:
Originally Posted by jimrich View Post
Okay, I need the male perspective on this issue. Imagine yourself in my husband's shoes...
>> I'm not in your husband's shoes but..........

re: - before you got married 7 years ago, you talked about kids. You told her you could take them or leave them. She told you it was so important to her that is was a deal breaker and so you...
>> Said bye, bye AND LEFT.........end of story!
Are you aware that the forum has a built in quoting system? Your manual quoting mechanism is challenging to follow. Thought you would want to know.
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