[lisa3girls]

her sister is a very talented competitive figure skater. And over the past year or so, has stepped up her skating and is at the rink alot. Most often I take her...why?? Because I enjoy it, I enjoy her and I have friends (other moms) at the rink.

So in family therapy today, my 16 year old starts saying that I don't spend time with her because of that...which is complete bunk. First of all, several times a week my younger skates before school... so that isn't preventing ANYONE from being with me. Not only that, my 16 year old would drop me in a hot minute for any other social activity and has treated me like garbage for the past several years. Lastly, I'd be WORKING anyway-- I just take my laptop and work at the rink when she is after school.

I'm sorry, but I don't purposely set myself up to be treated badly and I am certainly NOT going to NOT doing something with someone else who treats me well AND that I enjoy for it. Then my husband chimes in complaining yes, it is true, that the family NEVER has down time because of it--- also complete bunk. EVERY Saturday afternoon and EVERY Sunday, we have down time, and where is he?? Oh, yes, joyriding on his motorcycle== ALL DAY. Like 8 am to 6 pm. He has a lot of nerve complaining when he does what he wants when he wants. And he outright refuses to participate nicely WITH the kids activities... my middle dd was in a lacrosse tournament on Sunday and instead of just going with it (we all went, to snacks and lawn chairs, talked to the other parents) he was all pissy about how long it took and how boring it was. It was a whole afternoon of down time... it isn't like HE had to play!

[WhereAmI]

Your daughter is feeling if ignored, even if you can't understand her reasoning. Set aside a few hours every weekend to take her out and bond. Don't allow her to ditch you. She'll try because she has resentment, but it's your job to help her past that. Expect it to be rough and expect her to resist for along time.
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[lisa3girls]

Originally Posted by WhereAmI

Your daughter is feeling if ignored, even if you can't understand her reasoning. Set aside a few hours every weekend to take her out and bond. Don't allow her to ditch you. She'll try because she has resentment, but it's your job to help her past that. Expect it to be rough and expect her to resist for along time.
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I resent that everything is always on me. I know since I have all daughters some things should be... but nobody cares if dad just takes off and does what he wants. I feel like there is no ME anymore... I am just here to do what everyone else wants. Nobody ever asks or cares what I want.

[WhereAmI]

Then start TAKING what you want. Make dates with yourself and don't let anything get in the way. Again, everyone in your family will probably resent you for it in the beginning, but eventually they'll respect you more for taking care of you. My suggestion about your daughter stands. I agree that your H seems very selfish, but you can only change your actions. A few changes in you could bring out a few changes in them.
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[lisa3girls]

Originally Posted by WhereAmI

Then start TAKING what you want. Make dates with yourself and don't let anything get in the way. Again, everyone in your family will probably resent you for it in the beginning, but eventually they'll respect you more for taking care of you. My suggestion about your daughter stands. I agree that your H seems very selfish, but you can only change your actions. A few changes in you could bring out a few changes in them.
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I have been...like I said, I LIKE taking my yougest to the rink, and yet it was thrown at me in therapy... I bet if I said I liked to golf nobody would say anything.

[unbelievable]

This is toooooo easy. Schedule an equal and fair share of "Mom" time for the 16 year old. I suggest she accompany y'all to skating practice. Naturally, we wouldn't allow any of her social obligations to interfere with quality "Mom" time, so she's not allowed to go anywhere else or do anything else during the sacred mom-bonding time. All distractions, (cell phones, etc) get turned off.

[Mom6547]

Originally Posted by lisa3girls

her sister is a very talented competitive figure skater. And over the past year or so, has stepped up her skating and is at the rink alot. Most often I take her...why?? Because I enjoy it, I enjoy her and I have friends (other moms) at the rink.

So in family therapy today, my 16 year old starts saying that I don't spend time with her because of that...which is complete bunk.

Which very likely is the case. BUT that is not the issue. The issue is that she does not feel heard, cherished and valued. She does not FEEL.

First of all, several times a week my younger skates before school... so that isn't preventing ANYONE from being with me.

In my opinion, it is the PARENT's job to make the cherishing, bonding overtures. My favorite author talks about demonstrating the child's value to you in several ways. One way is the greeting. It is sooooo easy to miss this. When you wake up in the am, you are making coffee, getting everyone out the door... When you first see your loved one, look them in the eye, stop what other things you are doing, and greet them. Good morning, love! How did you sleep? Same with each and every regroup.

Ask her if she wants to do xyz. Of course she is going to say no.

Not only that, my 16 year old would drop me in a hot minute for any other social activity and has treated me like garbage for the past several years.

Well then kudos on you for getting into therapy. Because if your CHILD is treating you poorly, it points to some errors in rearing. Good for you for trying to learn new ways.

Lastly, I'd be WORKING anyway-- I just take my laptop and work at the rink when she is after school.

Stop defending yourself. You feel attacked, blamed. Deep breath. In and out for a while. You are probably right about a lot of this. You are also probably wrong about a lot as well. Who cares? Don't get locked in a blame game! They are so unproductive.

Good luck.

[827Aug]

Are all three children getting equal time from you? One child gets to ice skate competitively. What activities do the other two participate in? Are equal family resources being spent on them? How about when you are "bragging" to friends and family? Do you acknowledge all three children's accomplishments equally?....I'm trying to see why the 16 year old would feel jealous. Furthermore, I agree that your husband needs to be more family oriented.

[golfergirl]

Originally Posted by 827Aug

Are all three children getting equal time from you? One child gets to ice skate competitively. What activities do the other two participate in? Are equal family resources being spent on them? How about when you are "bragging" to friends and family? Do you acknowledge all three children's accomplishments equally?....I'm trying to see why the 16 year old would feel jealous. Furthermore, I agree that your husband needs to be more family oriented.

Nothing to stress someone who feels like they are spread too thin as it is to have someone complain about fairness of time spent. Does she really mean it or is she just trying to get your goat? If she means it as said, easily fixed with a lunch date, later night TV watching, evening walk, help with supper - there are a million things she can share with you that you have to do already. Ask her to come with you to run errands - whatever. If she's just being beeyotchy, find out what her issue is and fix it. Last weekend I drove my son (16) and his buddies to a party. We visited together and laughed and it was awesome. My son said he had fun and I should drive more often. Half hour out of my day - some cool tunes and just relaxed and was a little goofy - really felt a connection with him again.
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[jimrich]

lisa3girls

So in family therapy today, my 16 year old starts saying that I don't spend time with her because of that...which is complete bunk.

What else did she say? Did you or the therapist pursue her issues any further? Was a solutions reached then or later?

First of all, several times a week my younger skates before school... so that isn't preventing ANYONE from being with me. Not only that, my 16 year old would drop me in a hot minute for any other social activity and has treated me like garbage for the past several years.

Was any of that discussed and a solution found?

Then my husband chimes in complaining yes, it is true, that the family NEVER has down time because of it--- also complete bunk. EVERY Saturday afternoon and EVERY Sunday, we have down time, and where is he?? Oh, yes, joyriding on his motorcycle== ALL DAY. Like 8 am to 6 pm. He has a lot of nerve complaining when he does what he wants when he wants. And he outright refuses to participate nicely WITH the kids activities... my middle dd was in a lacrosse tournament on Sunday and instead of just going with it (we all went, to snacks and lawn chairs, talked to the other parents) he was all pissy about how long it took and how boring it was. It was a whole afternoon of down time... it isn't like HE had to play!

And how were all of those issues resolved? Or do all of you just whine and argue in front of your therapist?
I envy any family that can go into counseling and discuss then resolve their issues, hurts, angers, disappointments, FEARS, etc. Our family had ONE meeting where we all finally got honest and, after our parents had their feelings hurt, NO MORE MEETINGS!!
I wish you well and much success in resolving all these issues and getting back to a happy, respectful, LOVING family again. Good luck

[jimrich]

lisa3girls

I resent that everything is always on me. I know since I have all daughters some things should be... but nobody cares if dad just takes off and does what he wants. I feel like there is no ME anymore... I am just here to do what everyone else wants. Nobody ever asks or cares what I want.

Sorry about your pain. Has your therapist explained how you can over come being used and/or ignored? Can your therapist explain to all of you how to regain love, respect and INTEREST in and for each other? I'd read a few relationship books to learn how to ask for and get what ALL of you want in your family. Ask your therapist for some book recommendations. Ask your therapist about Self esteem or self regard training.

[unbelievable]

I think just about every 16 year old feels they are persecuted by cruel or clueless parents.

[lisa3girls]

Originally Posted by 827Aug

Are all three children getting equal time from you? One child gets to ice skate competitively. What activities do the other two participate in? Are equal family resources being spent on them? How about when you are "bragging" to friends and family? Do you acknowledge all three children's accomplishments equally?....I'm trying to see why the 16 year old would feel jealous. Furthermore, I agree that your husband needs to be more family oriented.

The 16 year old owns a horse, so believe me, plenty of time and money has been spent on that for her.

[Mrs.G]

Have you ever tried asking her why she is jealous?