The Family & Parenting ForumsFamily dynamics can be exactly that - dynamic! Post here about family related issues such as parenting, blended families, step-families, new relationships with children involved, family of origin issues, in-laws or sibling issues.
Me and my wife have been together for 8 years(3 yrs married). In high school me and her broke up. Me and her got back together and she found out she was pregnant by another man. He wanted nothing to do with the baby and I have been a part of my daughter's life from the beginning. Now me and my wife are having a disagreement on when to tell her that I'm not her biological father. I think we should tell her when she is around 8 yrs old early on so that she does not get older and find out and feels like her parents have been lying to her. I want to sit down with her and try the best that you can to explain to an 8 year old that I'm not her father, but reassure that I love her and all ways will. My wife thinks that we should keep it a secret. Which I would be okay with that but my mother in-law is the kind of person that will tell just because it will cause drama and hurt people. I just don't want to hurt my daughter in the future. I love her with all my heart and treat her just the same as my other daughter(8 months). So what should I do I want to tell her when she gets older, but my wife is very against it?
I suggest you raise her as your own. You are her father. Maybe later on, well past 8 for sure she can learn you are not her biological father if you want. You really are her father now. If and when you tell her, tell her you chose to be her father.
So I don't like deceit by any means, and that includes lying by omission, but you are her father now. I feel 8 is too young to even go there. If it comes up explain that what matters to being a father is that you are there for her and love her.
If it were me, I would not worry so much about the MIL. If she says something down play it like it is meaningless and again explain sure but I am your dad. I chose you and love. Not being your bilogical father means nothing to your family.
I would wait a couple more years before you even bring it up, but it's a good idea that you and your wife talk about it. I was raised by my Stepfather (though I only refer to him as such when explaining the whole story to other people) and was told around the age of eight. It really didn't affect me as I didn't really understand it at the time. However I do have a friend that found out the man who raised him was not his father because a drunken uncle mentioned it at a party when he was in his twenties. It caused him a lot of pain and strained the relationship between his parents and him self for quite some time. So basically I'm saying wait until about he age of twelve, but don't put it off completely or it will bite you in the a$$.
Eventually they will want to hunt down thier biological father. It is natural and normal for them to want to do this. Commonly that is done after they get on their own.
Eventually they will want to hunt down thier biological father. It is natural and normal for them to want to do this. Commonly that is done after they get on their own.
Have you guys talked about that?
How old is she now? Don't wait for a day to spring it on her. Be matter of fact from start so she always knows. My daughter was conceived out of wedlock. She knew from day one she was dancing in mom's tummy at my and her dad's wedding. Not graphic but when she was old enough to put it together, she was never deceived. It hurts to have people keep things from you. Posted via Mobile Device
Honestly, if it was about me and my parents, I would not wanna know the truth. In your case, mother in law seems quite mean, sorry to say it like that. As for the age, it really depends on the kid. Teanage years are the taughest one, so its whetehr she should get used to the idea before or quite after those years. To me, parents are simply those who love you.
Eventually they will want to hunt down thier biological father. It is natural and normal for them to want to do this. Commonly that is done after they get on their own.
Have you guys talked about that?
Yes we have talked about it, and I'm dreading that but there is nothing Ican do about that. All I can do is let her know I love her with all my heart and that she will allways be my daughter.
Tell her now. Not a big sit down, just talk about what makes a dad a dad is being there for their kids. How you've been there since day one, even though a different daddy put her in her mom's tummy. When others are in on 'family secret', it doesnt even need a busy-body MIL to spill the beans - could even be an accident.
Tell her now. Not a big sit down, just talk about what makes a dad a dad is being there for their kids. How you've been there since day one, even though a different daddy put her in her mom's tummy. When others are in on 'family secret', it doesnt even need a busy-body MIL to spill the beans - could even be an accident.
And that is exactly what I want to do, but my wife feels strongly about keeping it a secret. She feels that there is no way she will find out. Even if my mother in-law doesn't tell(which I doubt) I feel it will come out anyway. I just want to do what is best for my daughter. I don't want to lie to her, and I don't want her to find out when she is older and feel betrayed. I feel as her parent I need to try to open and honest with her. So how do I get my wife on board with talking to her?
Tell her now, but also deal with your wife's real issue - her shame at how it came about.
If you don't make it a big deal, your 8 year old won't, either. At their age, whatever you tell her is just what people do, kwim? If you build it up into some sort of issue, she'll feel like she has to, too.
Do some research, and find some books or psychology articles about how and why and when to tell, then read the articles to your wife.
Tell her now, but also deal with your wife's real issue - her shame at how it came about.
If you don't make it a big deal, your 8 year old won't, either. At their age, whatever you tell her is just what people do, kwim? If you build it up into some sort of issue, she'll feel like she has to, too.
Do some research, and find some books or psychology articles about how and why and when to tell, then read the articles to your wife.
My mom had issues learning about her biological dad and that caused a rift in her relationship with her stepfather when it was discovered. Kids are more adaptable than we give them credit for. The real issue that needs to be covered is dealing with the past.
And that is exactly what I want to do, but my wife feels strongly about keeping it a secret. She feels that there is no way she will find out. Even if my mother in-law doesn't tell(which I doubt) I feel it will come out anyway. I just want to do what is best for my daughter. I don't want to lie to her, and I don't want her to find out when she is older and feel betrayed. I feel as her parent I need to try to open and honest with her. So how do I get my wife on board with talking to her?
I would tell wife if it's mentioned in passing here and there as some of the examples I mentioned (I'm sure others have better ideas) it will never be a big deal. If she is deceived (even by omission) til she's older, she will struggle and question your love for her. Tell your wife that. Maybe reassure your wife that what you're doing every day with her (daughter) means she's yours in the heart and that's the only way it matters. Posted via Mobile Device
I would tell wife if it's mentioned in passing here and there as some of the examples I mentioned (I'm sure others have better ideas) it will never be a big deal. If she is deceived (even by omission) til she's older, she will struggle and question your love for her. Tell your wife that. Maybe reassure your wife that what you're doing every day with her (daughter) means she's yours in the heart and that's the only way it matters. Posted via Mobile Device
To add, how this is handled now is the difference between her feeling special and chosen by you or her mom's dirty little secret. Posted via Mobile Device
I'm a stepfather but daughter doesn't know it 
My mom had issues learning about her biological dad and that caused a rift in her relationship with her stepfather when it was discovered. Kids are more adaptable than we give them credit for. The real issue that needs to be covered is dealing with the past.
