I cut contact with my mother and have never been happier - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 18 (permalink) Old 10-10-2016, 10:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I cut contact with my mother and have never been happier

Well, it's been awhile. Time for an update.

Almost exactly a year after my last post in this thread, my mother sent me a message via facebook, telling me that she had something very important to tell me, and that it needed to be done in person. I sat on it for a day, thought it over on my own and talked to my wife about it, and finally responded to my mother to arrange a time. It turns out that the news wasn't good: she has Stage 4 lung cancer, and there's nothing they can really do about it besides start her on chemotherapy when she starts becoming more ill.

I went home and thought a lot about the situation, and talked with my wife several times (and we continue to do so). She just wants to support any decision that I make. In the end, I decided that I would help her. For me. I went back to her place and offered to help by taking her to doctor's appointments. I wish to maintain the boundaries I've already established: I'm not having her over to the house, and won't allow her to control the family dialogue through her as in the past. I hoped (though didn't expect) that she might change. She hasn't; not at all in fact, but it doesn't matter, really. She's used this as an opportunity that try to pit my against my brother, to get me to slowly but surely do more than I said I will do, to have me step into a role of prime responsibility, etc, etc, etc. Not happening. The boundaries have been established and maintained, and I'll help her with what I said I would do, and no more or less. She seems to accept, and if she chooses not to, then she probably doesn't need my help so badly.

I'm sorry that she's sick; she's my mother and I love her, and I'll be sad when she's dead, and regretful of what might have been. I won't miss her antics, though. Not one little bit.

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post #17 of 18 (permalink) Old 10-11-2016, 10:08 AM
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Re: I cut contact with my mother and have never been happier

So sorry to hear about your mom.

I think the most important thing for you and your brother is to communicate with each other and don't let your mom ruin your relationship. My husband's parents are dysfunctional. My husband and his brothers are very close and in constant communication with each other, (my husband and his youngest brother work together). They share conversation they have with their parents and make sure they set things straight regarding the weird things their mom says so there is no misunderstandings between the three of them.

I totally agree with what you wrote in your first post about your marriage improving after cutting contact with your mom. Same thing happened with our marriage.
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post #18 of 18 (permalink) Old 10-11-2016, 12:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I cut contact with my mother and have never been happier

Quote:
Originally Posted by soccermom2three View Post
So sorry to hear about your mom.

I think the most important thing for you and your brother is to communicate with each other and don't let your mom ruin your relationship. My husband's parents are dysfunctional. My husband and his brothers are very close and in constant communication with each other, (my husband and his youngest brother work together). They share conversation they have with their parents and make sure they set things straight regarding the weird things their mom says so there is no misunderstandings between the three of them.

I totally agree with what you wrote in your first post about your marriage improving after cutting contact with your mom. Same thing happened with our marriage.
Last year, I noticed that my brakes weren't working as well as they used to, so I figured it was time to take them into be fixed. It was only upon getting the car back that I realized just how bad they were, that little by little there wasn't much that would give me the ability to protect myself and my family if I had to stop suddenly.

I'm really glad that your marriage was able to survive and come out the other side of a very toxic influence. Many don't make it through such an ordeal.
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