[panterra1011]

Hey all. I'm new here, obviously. Been married to my husband for ten months and we've been together as a couple for 5 and 1/2 years. We have two girls ages 18 months and 3 months. They are wonderful. But I find it's so hard to have any time with my husband. He's a CO and works 4-midnight 5 days a week, sometimes more if he's mandated then he doesn't get home until 8:30am. He also has something wrong cause all he wants to do is sleep 24/7, so even when he is home he isn't really here. Our toddler always thinks daddy is either in bed or outside and gets so excited when he's actually awake and here with us. He just went to the dr today finally so we're working on getting the sleep thing figured out. I'm stuck alone with the kids all the time and crave time with other adults, especially my husband. He's all I have since our friends all ditched us once we started having kids and settled down. I fear us growing apart, and he has said the same, because we have such little time together as a couple. Of course young kids are demanding. Just wondering, from parents of older children, is there ever more time? Will we have more free time together as the kids get older? Becoming a mom is the best thing I've ever done. I just miss my husband.

Even on his days off and the kids are in bed he just wants to sit in front of the tv or computer. I will suggest things to do, like cuddle, talk, play a board game,etc...but he doesn't seem interested. Unless I'm offering sex, then he's all for it. I know he loves me and I know a lot of it is the stress of having 2 under 2 and his job is stressful on him. I do my best to be understanding. I am just afraid of life always being like this and am hoping someday we won't be so exhausted all the time. I miss how close and connected we used to be. But now all he cares to talk about is his job, and I feel I have little to offer since my entire life right now is the children and housework, which interests no one but me. We have common interests and such like we did pre-children, but little time to pursue them right now. It's hard finding a babysitter for my girls for us to get to go out anywhere. Last time we were alone out anywhere was the day we got married. We had a courthouse marriage and then went out to eat at Red Lobster. A part of me knows as long as we keep trying and communicating we'll be okay, things are bound to get better eventually. Sometimes I feel like we are worlds apart though. I never realized being a wife and mother could be such a lonely existence.

[magnoliagal]

Your husband has checked out. I say this because you say even if the kids are in bed he chooses the tv or computer over spending time with you and the excessive sleeping. Now this might be temporary because of his job and being tired with 2 little ones or it might not be.

I say this because I've got 3 kids close in ages. While we were both exhausted in the early years I never felt "worlds apart" from him. Overall I still felt connected and close to him. I mean we were in this together I wasn't the only parent. He's their parent too and he was interested in them just as much as I was.

Your husband however isn't and that's sad since they are his kids too.

[Laurae1967]

I agree with the last poster. The fact that he isn't trying to spend any time with you is an issue. I would talk to him about what HE might want to do together. He might be depressed.

What is a CO? My husband is a cop and when he works midnights, he gets home at 9 a.m. and he eats breakfast and is in bed by 10. He sleeps until 7 p.m. then eats dinner with the family and leaves for work at 9. He's not on the midnight schedule often, but when he is, it stinks for us. He's tired all the time and even though he's sleeping all day, it's not good quality sleep.

talk to him and see if there are any solutions. Do not wait for it to just get better. A good marriage requires you spending time together and staying connected.

[happychilguide112]

Dealing With Feelings

With all of the changes that a new baby can bring, some older kids might struggle as they try to adjust.

Encourage older kids to talk about their feelings about the new baby. If a child cannot articulate those feelings, don't be surprised if he or she tests limits or reverts to speaking in baby talk.

If your child acts up, don't bend the rules, but understand what feelings may be motivating that behavior. It could be a sign that your child needs more one-on-one time with you, but make it clear that although his or her feelings are important, they have to be expressed in appropriate ways.

Happy child Guide - Tips for parenting - Parent helpline - YouTube

[Cooper]

I have to wonder what it is that your husband has checked out from. It could be from you specifically, or maybe the family life is too much for him, or maybe he just doesn't have that nurturing instinct that a parent needs.

I spent 20 years married to a woman who just never figured out what being a wife, mother or devoted family member meant, most times I felt like a single parent. So to answer your question....if he has an issue that can be dealt with like depression or feeling over whelmed maybe things will change, but if it's just the way he's wired then I'm guessing it will never get easier for you.

[Thewife]

Firstly, the answer to your question is "it does get easier as the kids get older".

From your post I can sense you and your husband are great couples. Having a new baby can put both the mother and father in emotional high or low temporarily. It happens to most people. In your case you have two very young kids and husband working long hours which is definitely not easy on both of you.

It is possible for couples to fall apart in this kinda situation if they do not have strong pre-kid bonding and understanding and most importantly do not try to understand that this is a phase and make necessary adjustments.

Do you have grandparents who you can tap on for some time out? if you do its a good idea to get come over once a week alteast for few hours so that you could go out.

You cant have your old friends who are single or without kids to socialize with you at this point you have to find a group of mothers whom you can socialize with. Find a playgroup, playdate near your house with mothers of your kids age it helps heaps trust me. Set a routine to meet up and get your older kid to play while you chat.

Set a early bed time for your older girl (it may be a little early for the infant though) so that when husband comes home you can get couple time.

I had twins and was taking care of them myself. I did have my mother and mother in law to come and baby sit whenever we wanted to go out. Husband had to work long hours and won't be in for days. All my best friends were singles or couples and I suddenly felt all alone after kids. Here are some of the things I did that kept me sane and sail through the early years.

Routine walk around the neighbourhood park in the afternoons where I met a number of mothers to chat (I'll pack both the babies in twin stroller with all their food tightly packed)

Playdates - once the kids were 1 year old and have made some nice friends.

Early and same bed time for both the kids (by 7pm) since they were 7 months old so that we get an hour or so every night to eat or chat in peace. they still go to bed early so that I have a long evening

Dinner date with husband whenever grand mothers are available to baby sit.

As for your husband spending his free time watching TV, I think he is also overwhelmed by being a parent to two young kids? I know you might have plenty to talk and tell him about your day and for him he might just want to shut everything for a while (this happened to us) why don't you just go cuddle with him while he watches tv? Keep the communication going. Do tell him that you are very happy to be a mother and love your family but need some attention from him whenever time permits. My husband is the kind that I have to tell him exactly what I want he cant read my mind and I have no patience for that so I go straight into the point with him, of course in a non accusing manner haha....

Life got a lot better once I sent them to preschool. They are happy with lots of friends and I work part time and get a lot of time for myself. We still tap on grandma's whenever we want to have couples day/night out. So it does get easy don't worry but meanwhile do something to find friends and talk to your husband. You can private message me if you want to talk anytime. I guess you have a wonderful family....enjoy your motherhood as it is now b/c once the kids are older they are not this cute but they are always lovely.

[Hope1964]

My kids are pretty much grown, and I can tell you right now that if things are like this now, they won't get any better just because the kids are older. Reason being, I don't think it's the kids, it's your husband and your relationship. Little kids are hard to adjust to, and it sounds like the two of you need to adjust better. You NEED to find a babysitter and plan dates and weekends away and time to connect - if you don't do it now, waiting for the kids to grow up will just mean that by the time they do, you won't have a clue who this person you're married to is.

You also need to parent TOGETHER. Don't have stuff he does and separate stuff you do with the kids - or heaven forbid, that you are the only one bathing and feeding and playing and telling stories and stuff. Do it TOGETHER. Cook dinner TOGETHER. Go grocery shopping TOGETHER. Him parked in front of the TV or computer while you do laundry and get the kids to bed is never going to work.

[annagarret]

Yes it does get better as the kids grow up. They become more independent and go to school and sleep through the night.
I suggest finding a mom to mom group in your area. There is a group called MOPS short for mothers of preschoolers, and is usually held at a church. You don't have to be a church member or even a Christian to go. The group support will do wonders for your self-esteem. You will be able to get out of the house, share your struggles and get great advice and hopefully meet new friends in the same season of life.

It is common to feel almost like you and your husband are living two different lives. I don't feel like it sounds like your husband has checked out. When men come home they need to relax and unwind, go into their cave so to speak, to recharge themselves to go back into the workplace. As wives we see that as neglect but that is not the case. Try reading some marriage books, Dr. Gray who wrote the Venus and Mars series books is AWESOME and funny. Dr. Laura is also a great author. I found the more I read on marriage issues and especially men, the better wife I became and I accepted my husband easier.

Having little ones is very hard on a marriage. You are not alone. You have to try to also set up dates. I know as wives we still wish our husbands did this, but think of it this way, instead of romancing you with flowers and dates, he is going out to work every day slaying all the evils in the world so you and your children can be home safe and sound. In a man's mind this is the ultimate romantic gesture..
As mom's we get so nervous about leaving our children with parents or babysitters for fear that they won't take as good care of them as we will, but remember you are a wife first and mother second.

You said your husband is eager to be with you for sex, which is awesome, why not try a little experiment and do the 30 day sex recipe? It's where couples have sex for 30 days straight and then evaluate their relationship before and after. There is a book about it. Your husband will think he went to heaven and I am sure will start to adore and cherish you more!!!!!!

[that_girl]

Originally Posted by magnoliagal

Your husband has checked out. I say this because you say even if the kids are in bed he chooses the tv or computer over spending time with you and the excessive sleeping. Now this might be temporary because of his job and being tired with 2 little ones or it might not be.

I say this because I've got 3 kids close in ages. While we were both exhausted in the early years I never felt "worlds apart" from him. Overall I still felt connected and close to him. I mean we were in this together I wasn't the only parent. He's their parent too and he was interested in them just as much as I was.

Your husband however isn't and that's sad since they are his kids too.

Sounds like he's checked out. He does those things to avoid home, even when he's there.

[EleGirl]

Why do you have a problem finding babysitters? Can you explain this?