The Family & Parenting ForumsFamily dynamics can be exactly that - dynamic! Post here about family related issues such as parenting, blended families, step-families, new relationships with children involved, family of origin issues, in-laws or sibling issues.
This kid needs a guardian ad litem.
He also needs some counseling so he can learn when he can tell his mom that he is not interested in getting involved with her problems both relationship and financial. He is a kid and he should learn how to advocate to retain what is left of his childhood. His mom is yanking him around, this kid should not be worried about mom's feelings, he should be doing things like going to youth group and learning how to relate to his peers, with his parents' support. This is just all wrong. And yes, I see the mom to blame for her obvious conversations with a kid that cross so many boundaries that they make me want to vomit. She needs to grow up and balance her own books to support the choices that she is making as an adult. But since she is unlikely to I would insist that child gets counseling, even if she gets primary custody, he will need it from the sounds of it. Ugh. Mom is an emotional leech.
I have brought up the counseling issue with my lawyer. Perhaps that will be brought up at the custody hearing. I do know, from the research that I've done, that the parents are NOT supposed to involve the kids in the details of the divorce. She should know this too so the alienation is blatant. The only thing our son needs to know is that mom and dad still love him.
Wife made an offer thru her lawyer...1 day a week and every other weekend. That's basicly what I have now and it was like pullling teeth to get this much. So no deal. Going to court today. Maybe she'll offer something a lot better. If not, the judge will decide.
Wife made an offer thru her lawyer...1 day a week and every other weekend. That's basicly what I have now and it was like pullling teeth to get this much. So no deal. Going to court today. Maybe she'll offer something a lot better. If not, the judge will decide.
I feel for you man. Go get em! Good luck in court. I hope you prevail or at least get better terms than what was offered. Keep us informed.
I'm going to court myself next Tuesday. STBXW offered me the same verbally at first. When we couldn't reach agreement (I want 50/50), I filed for full custody which set her on the warpath. She's adamant about giving me as little as possible. I think I have a decent chance at 50/50, but my gut is really ripped apart leading up to the judge's conference. I don't want to put my kids through interviews and a hearing. But STBXW has mindset that mom's get the kids so we cannot come to any kind of agreement.
Both of you need to thoroughly document how well you parent - all the work you do, all the together time, all the extracurricular stuff you do, decisions you make...document everything.
I feel for you man. Go get em! Good luck in court. I hope you prevail or at least get better terms than what was offered. Keep us informed.
I'm going to court myself next Tuesday. STBXW offered me the same verbally at first. When we couldn't reach agreement (I want 50/50), I filed for full custody which set her on the warpath. She's adamant about giving me as little as possible. I think I have a decent chance at 50/50, but my gut is really ripped apart leading up to the judge's conference. I don't want to put my kids through interviews and a hearing. But STBXW has mindset that mom's get the kids so we cannot come to any kind of agreement.
Thanks. Good luck to you as well.
My wife has been pretty stingy with son. At one point she told me that weekends were 1 day. Saturday evening to Sunday evening. When I let her know that I knew what weekends were considered she "let me have" two day weekends with him. I think she thought this was going to be easy and that I wouldn't fight it or be able to afford a lawyer.
I am nervous. I may lose. If I win, then it will be hard to 1) make it work but I will do what it takes and 2) trying to undo damage that I believe has been caused by my wife and her family as far as "brainwashing/alienation". It may take years. He may not understand why dad just didn't let him go have "fun" until after he becomes an adult. But I am certain he will understand eventually.
Just got back from court. Was there for over two hours. Spent only 5 or so minutes in the courtroom.
We made a deal. I didn't get him as much as I wanted but I got him more than wife wanted to give.
I was getting him for 2 overnights every two weeks. Now I will get him for 5 overnights every two weeks. At least until we go back to court for the divorce.
Glad to hear you reached an agreement. And were able to get more than your W offered. Enjoy those overnights to the fullest possible. You son will one day learn the importance of what you have done by fighting for him and appreciate it.
Thanks guys. Also found out afterward that my joint physical and legal custody was reafirmed.
Like I said this was temporary. But the judge himself suggested this arrangement to our lawyers so I don't see him changing things when we go back to court.
You have to get a lawyer who specializes in family law NOW. Your son is only 12 and won't be allowed to make a decision about where he wants to live, especially when he's under her manipulative control.
Fight hard!! You still have 6 years left with him and he will need you more than ever. Get tough. Your son needs you to do this for him.
Read up on parental alienation. This is what your wife is doing. She sounds like a narcissist.
Just remember that YOU have a right to be in your son's life.
Also remember that you are still fighting for your son. Document all the good things you are doing with him. Document all the crappy things she may say to him about you. Don't let your guard down until you custody is finalized.
That every other weekend routine is pretty "old school" with parenting plans. There is a lot of movement towards more equal time between parents especially when the child is heading towards the tween/teens years. I see much more the plan of one week with mom and then one week with dad. The "every other weekend" routine is usually reserved for very young children or a parent that has had some neglect with their child and is working towards proving fit parenting.
Split Loyalty is very common when parents seperate. Your son doesn't want to leave mom knowing that it hurts her to be with you. He may feel unkind showing any sense of excitement about his visits with you. AND he may very much want to see you and want to enjoy time with you; he is split. He would be resistant to leave mom, not because he dislikes you as mom may choose to believe, but because she has not made it okay for him to enjoy time with dad. Even when he is with you he may suddenly stop himself from enjoying a fun time thinking he is being disloyal to his mother.
Speak directly to your son about the possiblity of this split loyalty. Be compassionate about how he may be feeling. Let him know you are happy he enjoys time with his mom and that you trust that she creates a safe and enjoyable life for him AND that you miss him and enjoy your time with him very much. At least on your side you are making it okay for him to enjoy both of his parents. It will take a little of the pressure off of him.
Happy to hear you are talking to your lawyer and will work towards a parenting plan. It will be great for your son to know what to expect and get a regular pattern of visits established. In most cases it is very important to have this clarified through the legal system.
~Leah~
I have to admit I am wavering a bit. It's not like he's giving me any indication that he wants to stay with me. He's 13 now and wants to be with mom and in the other state. I know that he's been influenced to go. I want him around but part of me wonders if I should let him go so he can see for himself how things are.
I read his texts and he complains to mom about me. He's told me that he was going to use something(I don't remember what it was) that I did or said in court(against me). I read a text to his mom that he was going to bring something up in court against me. She replied that she's saving all the texts. She did tell him to respect me.
When he complains about the sister that they are living with I stand up for her. I don't seem to get the same courtesy. I am stressed out and just not sure if it's worth it to keep fighting if he's so hellbent on going.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I am too, to an extent. I think it's because I have a tighter standard than his dad does and expect him to show more respect, and he bristles at that because Dad has never made him show me respect (he always has shown Dad respect.)
The only problem with letting him move out of state and "seeing how it is," is that it's hard to reverse. But I do know people who have done it. It may be that giving him that latitude to choose may be the only way that you will be able to show him you care enough to let him pursue what he thinks he needs to be happy. I know I sound like I'm waffling here, but only you will be able to choose, and there are arguments for both choices. I know it would kill me if my stbx decided to sweep my boys away out of reach. And I would fight like hell, but mainly because my younger one has ASD and no way of adding his input. My older son is like yours, but with loyalty to Dad, and it is very strained between us despite my best efforts. I did just go through mediation again, and we now have a more fair visitation arrangement (hallelujah!!) that I'm hoping will give us some one on one time to visit without arguing about who knows more about parenting my younger son (my older son or me!?!)
I agree that you need to take as much pressure off as possible by telling your son that you are glad he and Mom are close.
I am concerned that he is thinking in terms of court. Ideally, he would never have to testify or be part of that process, so I'm wondering if she put that thought in his head or if he just imagined that that's how things work. Oh, to be 14 again and know EVERYTHING.
Know that people are rooting for you. I just picked up a couple of brochures from Social Services here in VA that talk about communication with teens (an area I definitely need to work at.) One thing I do know is to use "I" messages ("when you ____, I feel ___. How do you feel about that?") Anyway, I hope this helps somehow. However you choose to respond will be right, as you are doing a lot of soul searching first. Things will work out. Have faith.
Re: Losing my son 
I think she thought this was going to be easy and that I wouldn't fight it or be able to afford a lawyer.
