It's our fault - Talk About Marriage
The Family & Parenting Forums Family dynamics can be exactly that - dynamic! Post here about family related issues such as parenting, blended families, step-families, new relationships with children involved, family of origin issues, in-laws or sibling issues.

User Tag List

 22Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 21 (permalink) Old 11-23-2015, 08:43 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Brandy905's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 148
It's our fault

NEW UPDATE 5/16

This is what we are being told by our 23yr old.

He is suffering through depression. He just told me a few days ago that he hates himself and he has been cutting himself. My husband and brother-in-law went to talk to him. (I wanted to call crisis or police to take him to a crisis center) The next day he came over and spent time with us. He agreed to go to counseling. Then I had my cousin who is my age and dealt with depression come over, he took him out and talked for hours.

Our fault? He informed us it was our fault because we threw him out when he was 19. We found out he was smoking pot. At that point we wouldn't let him drive until he gave us 2 clean urine screens (which would take approx. 30 days for 1) After the first clean one, we found out he changed to cocaine because it only stays in the system 3 days and he knew when we were testing him.

I can't believe he is blaming us, but we stand by our decision. We had 3 younger children in the house and were not going to accept this behavior. As far as we are concerned he made the choice when he did cocaine.

Just very aggravated right now, this on top of everything else going on, I am going to loose it!!!


We may not have it all together but together we have it all!

Last edited by Brandy905; 05-16-2016 at 02:13 PM. Reason: UPDATE 5/16
Brandy905 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 21 (permalink) Old 11-23-2015, 10:01 AM
Member
 
EVG39's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Fly Over Country
Posts: 258
Re: It's our fault

I would not focus too much on what he says right now. He is ill. You did what you thought was right at the time with the best information you had. The important thing now is that going forward you want to get him into treatment. And it might be a long slog. So take the high road, let his words roll off like water off a duck's back. Make sure he actually goes to the counseling and follows up with the treatment. Keep the attention on moving forward. Whatever benefit dredging up the past has for him, won't help you or your husband. Just keep the focus where it needs to be, in treating his illness.
EVG39 is offline  
post #3 of 21 (permalink) Old 11-23-2015, 10:03 AM
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 5,485
Re: It's our fault

So we have another casualty of the "War on Drugs"...

Always remember the LD motto: "Sex isn't important!!!"
tech-novelist is offline  
 
post #4 of 21 (permalink) Old 11-23-2015, 10:06 AM
Member
 
happy as a clam's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Midwest
Posts: 5,426
Re: It's our fault

His statement is really the depression "speaking."

It's easier to blame you than to look at his own reflection in the mirror and realize that HE is responsible for the choices he made and the situation he is now in.

I would highly recommend AlAnon meetings for you. They will help you understand the addict/user's mentality and will point out the typical bullsh*t excuses he is hurling at you. Believe me, people there have seen and heard it all. You will gain a whole new set of coping skills (and people to talk to who have been in your shoes) by attending those meetings.

Sorry for what you're going through .

"Love is chemicals masquerading as choices!"
~ Sandfly
happy as a clam is offline  
post #5 of 21 (permalink) Old 11-23-2015, 10:16 AM
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 2,263
Re: It's our fault

'it's always everybody else's fault but ours.'

it's actually when we realize that WE are responsible for our own decisions and happiness that
we reach adulthood. sadly, you're kid is not there.

but IMHO you did the right thing. i think the cliche is 'tough love'.

my brother was a total wreck and got into trouble with the law numerous times and screwed up most of his life.
finally, after about 15-20 years of rebellion, denial and angst, he got his life together and accepted responsibility
for himself. he actually became a pretty awesome guy. i hope your kid doesn't take that long, but never lose hope.
jorgegene is offline  
post #6 of 21 (permalink) Old 11-23-2015, 10:19 AM
Member
 
Pluto2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 4,607
Re: It's our fault

You've heard the old adage, depression is anger turned inwards. Well, when he spouts off its all your fault, that's sort his way of saying he's reached maximum saturation for his inward anger. He literally can't take anymore inward anger and so it comes out, partially in cutting, partially in blame-shifting. Depression is an insidious illness. I hope for everyone's sake that he gets treatment and responds in a timely manner. In my experience and if the depression is in the major depressive state, he might not even remember the outburst.

In youth it was a way I had, to do my best to please, And change, with every passing lad to suit his theories.
But now I know the things I know, and do the things I do; And if you do not like me so, To hell, my love, with you! --Dorothy Parker
Pluto2 is offline  
post #7 of 21 (permalink) Old 11-25-2015, 06:43 PM
Member
 
frusdil's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1,847
Re: It's our fault

You did nothing wrong. Your son chose the behaviour, therefore he chose the consequences.

My uncle started using drugs in his late teens, everything was my grandma's fault. She never kicked him out and guess what? Thirty YEARS later, he's now a full blown addict, has been for years, and his entire life has been a complete and utter waste. He's alienated the entire family - he's lied to us, stolen from us and missed his own brother's (my dad) funeral because he was high. He's a disgrace. He was never held accountable and this is the result.

YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. Don't let him bully you into thinking otherwise.
frusdil is offline  
post #8 of 21 (permalink) Old 11-25-2015, 07:07 PM
Moderator
 
lifeistooshort's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,345
Re: It's our fault

Addicts and moochers always blame everyone else.....my two sisters are both addicts/moochers and nothing is their fault. One is on jail now for organized retail theft, had her kids taken away for letting drug dealers move in with her and her kids and letting the power get cut off. She also sold her food stamps and would regularly leave them at home with no food while she went to guys' houses to get food and sex.

To this moment nothing is her fault and she has no family.

You did the right thing.
Posted via Mobile Device
lifeistooshort is offline  
post #9 of 21 (permalink) Old 11-27-2015, 07:33 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 1,411
Re: It's our fault

I went and am going thru a similar scenario with my 22 year old son. I spent two years bending over backwards trying to "save" him and finally tossed him out when he got a DUI and I discovered at the same time he was stealing from me I assume for drug money.

The last couple of years have been hard on my son, but that's his doing, not mine, I don't make him take drugs and drink. He just told me last week he is thinking of joining the military because he has no options in life. The truth is I offer him options about every time I see him, drug treatment, tuition for education, help him work on a resume and look for a better job, but he choses to stay on the party merry go round and tries to make me feel guilty for the state of his life.

Brandy you did the only sensible thing you could do, he needs to be accountable for his decisions.
Cooper is online now  
post #10 of 21 (permalink) Old 05-16-2016, 02:04 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Brandy905's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 148
Re: It's our fault

After another episode I was successful last week in getting him to the hospital and in to a crisis center. I know he needs to be there. I just received a call they want me to come and meet with him and his counselor tomorrow. I am going!


I am just concerned that I am technically in no frame of mind to go. Our oldest son has another infection and is preparing for his 15th surgery next week. I am in the process of getting him in to counseling (it's a special pain-management PTSD counselor) because of his anger. I do know that he is in constant pain and is very frustrated with the past surgeries being unsuccessful, hoping this next one will be sucessful and just wanting to be "normal" again. I know his anger isn't towards me, I am just his soft place to fall. This doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, I cry non-stop. I am trying to take care of myself, I am in counseling trying to deal with everything and understanding his anger. I went to my family doctor who gave me something to take the edge off and help me sleep. We all agree that I am not depressed just over-stressed.

Wish me luck tomorrow, hopefully they won't keep me!


We may not have it all together but together we have it all!
Brandy905 is offline  
post #11 of 21 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 03:54 AM
Member
 
jimrich's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 256
Angry Re: It's our fault

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brandy905 View Post
NEW UPDATE 5/16

This is what we are being told by our 23yr old.

He is suffering through depression. He just told me a few days ago that he hates himself and he has been cutting himself. My husband and brother-in-law went to talk to him. (I wanted to call crisis or police to take him to a crisis center) The next day he came over and spent time with us. He agreed to go to counseling. Then I had my cousin who is my age and dealt with depression come over, he took him out and talked for hours.

Our fault? He informed us it was our fault because we threw him out when he was 19. We found out he was smoking pot. At that point we wouldn't let him drive until he gave us 2 clean urine screens (which would take approx. 30 days for 1) After the first clean one, we found out he changed to cocaine because it only stays in the system 3 days and he knew when we were testing him.

I can't believe he is blaming us, but we stand by our decision. We had 3 younger children in the house and were not going to accept this behavior. As far as we are concerned he made the choice when he did cocaine.

Just very aggravated right now, this on top of everything else going on, I am going to loose it!!!
I am not a parent but, if I were, my first question regarding a drug addicted child would be: Where did I (the parent) GO WRONG? I don't know where you went wrong but I sure know where our parents went wrong and helped my older brother land in prison for ARMED ROBBERY! What happened to him was my parent's FAULT but that's a very long story so I'll not bore anyone with it.
Only an HONEST parent can see how and why they programmed their kid(s) to do certain unsavory things in life but most parents live in deep denial and delusions about their "parenting" so, why bother?

choose happiness
jimrich is offline  
post #12 of 21 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 04:22 AM
jld
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 18,696
Re: It's our fault

Quote:
Originally Posted by jimrich View Post
I am not a parent but, if I were, my first question regarding a drug addicted child would be: Where did I (the parent) GO WRONG? I don't know where you went wrong but I sure know where our parents went wrong and helped my older brother land in prison for ARMED ROBBERY! What happened to him was my parent's FAULT but that's a very long story so I'll not bore anyone with it.
Only an HONEST parent can see how and why they programmed their kid(s) to do certain unsavory things in life but most parents live in deep denial and delusions about their "parenting" so, why bother?
I am sorry to hear this, Jim. Maybe you could start a thread about it? Sometimes it helps to talk these things out.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
jld is offline  
post #13 of 21 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 04:25 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,492
Re: It's our fault

Quote:
Originally Posted by jimrich View Post
I am not a parent but, if I were, my first question regarding a drug addicted child would be: Where did I (the parent) GO WRONG? I don't know where you went wrong but I sure know where our parents went wrong and helped my older brother land in prison for ARMED ROBBERY! What happened to him was my parent's FAULT but that's a very long story so I'll not bore anyone with it.
Only an HONEST parent can see how and why they programmed their kid(s) to do certain unsavory things in life but most parents live in deep denial and delusions about their "parenting" so, why bother?
Since you're not a parent, I'd like to know why you keep resurrecting zombie threads to lecture others on parenting?
Personal is offline  
post #14 of 21 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 04:29 AM
jld
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 18,696
Re: It's our fault

Quote:
Originally Posted by Personal View Post
Since you're not a parent, I'd like to know why you keep resurrecting zombie threads to lecture others on parenting?
It sounds like he has some pain he might find it helpful to talk out. If he starts his own thread, we might be able to help him process it.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
jld is offline  
post #15 of 21 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 05:01 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 1,492
Re: It's our fault

Quote:
Originally Posted by jld View Post
It sounds like he has some pain he might find it helpful to talk out. If he starts his own thread, we might be able to help him process it.
That being the case, hopefully he will do that.
Personal is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Was it my fault? PieOhMy General Relationship Discussion 22 04-26-2015 11:12 PM
Both at fault Nova92 General Relationship Discussion 9 08-06-2012 03:36 PM
Now its my fault.. but thats what he says redeye General Relationship Discussion 3 07-01-2012 10:33 AM
My fault?? sawtoothjack Coping with Infidelity 95 06-04-2012 10:38 PM
is it my fault hurtin Coping with Infidelity 94 05-28-2012 11:32 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome