The Family & Parenting ForumsFamily dynamics can be exactly that - dynamic! Post here about family related issues such as parenting, blended families, step-families, new relationships with children involved, family of origin issues, in-laws or sibling issues.
SeekingClarity, you are well aware that your boyfriend's attachment to his ex and giving his children false hope IS WRONG, or else you would not have posted here. Yet you are allowing him to influence your intuition, by listening to his selfish excuses.
If I had listened to my intuition at the beginning of my twenties, I would not have stayed in an unhealthy "relationship" for nearly two years.
At the end of the day, it is your choice what you put up with. You came here for advice and we have all told you that your boyfriend is being unfair to EVERYONE.
Re: He spends weekends away with ex-wife and kids?
Hello again, hmmm...I am not trying to defend him. Sorry if it sounds like I am! Truly, I am not. I am just thinking out loud and trying to understand on what basis I can legitimately say that this is wrong if (and as I say, I do believe this) he and she are not having a sexual relationship. THAT is why I posted here; because - you're right about intuition- I intuit that this is wrong, but cannot really figure out why. Please tell me WHY you think he's being unfair to everyone. His children know me and know and that we are a couple, and also get along well with me, so in what way is his staying with them at their house giving them "false hopes"? Please bear in mind that I do not have children, so maybe this is apparent to everyone else here who knows how childrens' minds work, but it isn't to me. His ex: yes, I do agree that he's being unfair to her BUT again, his view here would be that as long as she is ok with it, if it's the best the for the kids then that is what should be gone. I am NOT trying to argue, just trying to get to the root of what it really is that bothers me. I'm sorry if I seem like such a knucklehead...I'm just confused and have for some reason lost my perspective I have never been in this kind of situation before and, with two siblings who went through bad divorces, know how horrible it can be for kids whose parents don't get along after they split up. Anyway thank you for continuing this dialogue! It really is helping me to slowly see things more clearly. Entropy: she did invite me to go there and hang out with all of them, but I felt it would be strange to do so the very first time she and I and the children had all met, so declined. Her apartment is VERY small, which makes it awkward for me & also I think I would somehow feel like I'm just there to "control" him. He says of course we could always do this together & that we could stay in a hotel each time we did, but realistically if I get one of the jobs I've applied for it will not be feasible for me to use all my vacation time in this way (I need that vacation to visit family in the US!). Also, the one time we stayed in a hotel and it was really not optimal. His ex lives in a small tourist town where the hotels under 100 euro/night are all extremely small and depressing. We could barely move around the room ourselves & couldn't take them there so ended up outside almost all the time. And then in the evenings he was either with me or with them at his ex's place as they got ready for bed. He also says that of course during holidays (say, Christmas eve and/or day) of course I would be included. But anyway, FirstYearDown, I'm still thinking about what you say about intuition. Maybe it all just comes down to that...maybe I should just accept what my intuition is saying even though I don't fully understand it. ...
Re: He spends weekends away with ex-wife and kids?
Quote:
Originally Posted by SeekingClarity
Hello again, hmmm...I am not trying to defend him. Sorry if it sounds like I am! Truly, I am not. I am just thinking out loud and trying to understand on what basis I can legitimately say that this is wrong if (and as I say, I do believe this) he and she are not having a sexual relationship. THAT is why I posted here; because - you're right about intuition- I intuit that this is wrong, but cannot really figure out why. I suggest that you think about why you feel that this is wrong...write it out if you have to. My guess is you actually feel they could be sleeping together; didn't you mention being afraid of a lapse occuring?
Please tell me WHY you think he's being unfair to everyone. His children know me and know and that we are a couple, and also get along well with me, so in what way is his staying with them at their house giving them "false hopes"? Please bear in mind that I do not have children, so maybe this is apparent to everyone else here who knows how childrens' minds work, but it isn't to me. I may not have children, but I have a lot of experience with them, whatever that is worth. Despite the fact that the children accept that you are a couple, you are not their mother. If Daddy is still playing house with their mother, they may still have some hope that he will return to her. The ex wife is being led down a garden path, by her ex husband sleeping over WHILE HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND, which screams about who he is really loyal to!
His ex: yes, I do agree that he's being unfair to her BUT again, his view here would be that as long as she is ok with it, if it's the best the for the kids then that is what should be gone. I am NOT trying to argue, just trying to get to the root of what it really is that bothers me. I'm sorry if I seem like such a knucklehead...I'm just confused and have for some reason lost my perspective I have never been in this kind of situation before and, with two siblings who went through bad divorces, know how horrible it can be for kids whose parents don't get along after they split up. Anyway thank you for continuing this dialogue! It really is helping me to slowly see things more clearly. Entropy: she did invite me to go there and hang out with all of them, but I felt it would be strange to do so the very first time she and I and the children had all met, so declined. Her apartment is VERY small, which makes it awkward for me & also I think I would somehow feel like I'm just there to "control" him. He says of course we could always do this together & that we could stay in a hotel each time we did, but realistically if I get one of the jobs I've applied for it will not be feasible for me to use all my vacation time in this way (I need that vacation to visit family in the US!). Also, the one time we stayed in a hotel and it was really not optimal. His ex lives in a small tourist town where the hotels under 100 euro/night are all extremely small and depressing.Isn't the thought of your man sleeping with his ex even worse?? You can handle two nights in a crappy hotel, as long as you don't stay in there all the time! We could barely move around the room ourselves & couldn't take them there so ended up outside almost all the time. And then in the evenings he was either with me or with them at his ex's place as they got ready for bed. He also says that of course during holidays (say, Christmas eve and/or day) of course I would be included. But anyway, FirstYearDown, I'm still thinking about what you say about intuition. Maybe it all just comes down to that...maybe I should just accept what my intuition is saying even though I don't fully understand it. ...
Re: He spends weekends away with ex-wife and kids?
Since joining the site, I've found so many (almost identical) issues to the ones I have faced...
My H (then my BF) did that to me once, at the beginning of our relationship. He told me "I always stay there when I visit and I sleep in my son's room." I told him that if this was going to be a continual thing, him staying with the X (I'm on the East Coast, they're on the West Coast) that I would be breaking up with him. He did still go, but when he got there, he told them all (kids and X) that this was the last time he'd be staying there (much to her disappointment), he cut the trip short, and met me in Vancouver for the weekend. He assured me that it would never happen again.
Or I guess I could have just gone along with it and set myself up for a lifetime of "Well, you were OK with it the LAST time I went...!".
Re: He spends weekends away with ex-wife and kids?
I knew there would an excuse not to go along with him. There is an excuse for everything. Part of the fun I guess. The apartment is VERY small. Which is just right and cozy for them, but too small for his GF. Besides three in a bed can get very crowded for some folks anyway.
Re: He spends weekends away with ex-wife and kids?
You said you've been dating this guy for a year but just separated from your husband earlier this year and wrent even sure you made the right decision about separating up til a few weeks ago. So I will assume the guy you're dating was the Other Man in your marriage and the affair has made you insecure as well as how obvious it is to me and others reading this that your partner is stillsleeping with his ex wife. The very fact that he tellsyou he slept with her so long knowing full well she wasn't over him so he could get sex speaks volumes. That is so cruel on so many levels. You said it intuitively feels wrong and that's because...it is. I would run clear in the opposite direction of anyone who could so callously use their ex so coldly in order to satisfy their needs. Its sickening. And so wrong on so many levels needs. OP...get a divorce. Posted via Mobile Device
Re: He spends weekends away with ex-wife and kids?
But anyway, when I look at the situation objectively I think: if I can believe that he is not having sex with her- which I can- and he and I have a good emotional connection- which we do- then why does it feel somehow like an emotional betrayal for him to be there with her and the children in the family atmosphere? She is the mother of his children, after all, and if the only way for him to see the children is when she is there then why should I not be able to accept this for the childrens' sake? He says the situation is painful for her (she is not over him and was very upset when he told her about me, even though she accepts it and has tried to communicate that to me) and that it certainly isn't ideal for him either. But I don't know, I don't know. Is it just going to be impossible to have a relationship with this man until his children move out of her place? Is there some other solution I could offer him?[/QUOTE]
What about YOU? Stop worrying about the 'mother of his children'...I put the kibosh on my H even saying "the mother of my children", as if it were some type of girl scout badge! So they had a couple of kids, big deal! In my experience, it's been a hell of a lot harder to NOT get pregnant!
This whole situation just reeks - It's complicated, there are excuses left, right and center for the behaviour. The only thing I get 100% from any of this is that you're unhappy with the situation. And only YOU can change it!
Re: He spends weekends away with ex-wife and kids?
Quote:
Originally Posted by CandieGirl
What about YOU? Stop worrying about the 'mother of his children'...I put the kibosh on my H even saying "the mother of my children", as if it were some type of girl scout badge! So they had a couple of kids, big deal! In my experience, it's been a hell of a lot harder to NOT get pregnant!
I don't see anything wrong with someone saying "the mother/father of my children." It's true in fact, that some people are the mothers/fathers of peoples' children and it's not a "girl/boy scout badge," it's simply the truth.
Nonethless--OP isn't happy w/ the situation and it is apparent why. Question is--what is she going to do about it...?
Re: He spends weekends away with ex-wife and kids?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jellybeans
I don't see anything wrong with someone saying "the mother/father of my children." It's true in fact, that some people are the mothers/fathers of peoples' children and it's not a "girl/boy scout badge," it's simply the truth.
Nonethless--OP isn't happy w/ the situation and it is apparent why. Question is--what is she going to do about it...?
I just can't stand the phrase I guess...it's too beatifying! My H used the term once...I remember saying "Oh, PLEASE...".
Re: He spends weekends away with ex-wife and kids?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jellybeans
Insecure about his ex?
*
Entrop & Turn--my bet is that won't happen (OP spending the night at ex-wife's house). That wouldn't work well with what is probably going on here...
No doubt. I would not think it would. To be honest I can't comprehend how what is going on works. He has a wife who he is divorced from and a GF. They are separated by eight hours of distance. Poor guy.
Re: He spends weekends away with ex-wife and kids? 
I have never been in this kind of situation before and, with two siblings who went through bad divorces, know how horrible it can be for kids whose parents don't get along after they split up. Anyway thank you for continuing this dialogue! It really is helping me to slowly see things more clearly. Entropy: she did invite me to go there and hang out with all of them, but I felt it would be strange to do so the very first time she and I and the children had all met, so declined. Her apartment is VERY small, which makes it awkward for me & also I think I would somehow feel like I'm just there to "control" him. He says of course we could always do this together & that we could stay in a hotel each time we did, but realistically if I get one of the jobs I've applied for it will not be feasible for me to use all my vacation time in this way (I need that vacation to visit family in the US!). Also, the one time we stayed in a hotel and it was really not optimal. His ex lives in a small tourist town where the hotels under 100 euro/night are all extremely small and depressing. We could barely move around the room ourselves & couldn't take them there so ended up outside almost all the time. And then in the evenings he was either with me or with them at his ex's place as they got ready for bed. He also says that of course during holidays (say, Christmas eve and/or day) of course I would be included. But anyway, FirstYearDown, I'm still thinking about what you say about intuition. Maybe it all just comes down to that...maybe I should just accept what my intuition is saying even though I don't fully understand it. ...
