[Scannerguard]

Well, what I found alarming about this thread, and why I tried to insert it in there, is it's all about the Poster and her needs and is he sleeping with the ex. . .is he not? The OP is still married, or whatever. Blah, blah, blah. . .I saw no discussion anywhere about the kids.

I'll tell you what Judge Judy would say:

SHUT UP! QUIET! OR I'LL PUT MY FOOT IN YOUR TOOKUS!!!

What do the kids want? Do they want to visit Dad in a small motel room? He lives 8 hour away? Do they want to travel to Dads? Summers? Birdnesting?

Anyone here considering their viewpoint?

Now I do agree the ex-wife should make herself as scarce as possible when he's visiting. She should go take a powder somewhere, preferabbly just go spend the night somewhere else. That's not always possible. If that's the case, I see nothing wrong with the dad camping out in one of the kids rooms.

The GF should be allowed to come in and "audit" behavior.

[turnera]

Agreed.

But that's not happening, is it?

He is refusing to consider OP's feelings in this, and his ex AND the kids are getting more of him than his GF.

[SeekingClarity]

Hi, thanks for your comments Scannerguard. I think though that perhaps you misunderstood my post because ALL I have been thinking about is my boyfriend's children and how we can possibly have a relationship that is comfortable for me AND one that respects his need to be with his children in the way and place that is best for them. If I didn't care about that then I would never have been confused in the first place & would simply have gotten angry with him for not taking my needs into account and then left. My issue has never been his relationship with his childre, which I support and applaud, but rather his decision to maintain a united front with his ex as though they were still together. We are not talking about just simply being cordial; he and she do everything together with the kids when he is there and when they are asleep they hang out and talk, have a glass of wine, whatever. It's his inablility to have a great relationship with his kids independently of her that bothers me. I wrote earlier that:

The real issue for me is that he cannot accept having a relationship with his children that would separate them from that family context they have always known. Being in her space with them is also being in *their* space and allows him to visit with them in relaxed, normal way by allowing them to do the things they usually do at home. Until now, he's been able to be there for them as a father without disrupting their lives in the usual ways that divorce does, forcing them to divide their time between one place and another, and I think that maintaing that semblance of "normalcy" is his number one priority regardless of what I think. To me- and I could be wrong- this is about her only to the extent that having a smooth, "normal", non-hostile relationship with her while he's there (and when talking on the phone about the kids, which he does regularly) is essential to maintaining that model. I think he's afraid that visiting with them in a hotel hotel room or in public spaces (even if he could afford this, which is truly a problem) would be so strange and weird for them that both the kids and he would just be miserable whenever he visited. I understand this.

The problem doesn't go away just because I understand it, though. As I have said repeatedly, for me the issue is NOT about whether or not he's sleeping with her. For me the issue is whether or not he has actually left her at, in the ways that matter even more than sex. I finally realized that it doesn't matter how understanding I am of the situation- and believe me, I do understand and support his decision to be there for his kids. It just isn't going to work for me to be in a relationship with someone who is still sharing half of his emotional self with an ex whom he has know for almost thirty years. He wants to do what is right for his children, which means for him sort of not really leaving his ex on many levels..emotionally and (certainly in the past, and possibly in the future) physically. I can understand that, but I can't live with it. I need more.

[turnera]

There's a poster on another forum who divorced her husband after he wouldn't stop drinking, and a bunch of other things; he simply was never 'there' for his wife; she was convenient, you know? She's a super super sweet person, gives to everyone, all that. Anyway, fast forward to a year post divorce, and she and her ex have slid into a comfortable relationship of hanging out, going out on dates (since they have no one else to go out with), even going on vacation together with the kids. It wasn't until this month, when he showed his true colors, that he was still the same old guy - looking for everyone to provide what HE needed, that she realized that she had slid right back into her provider role for him; and he not only allowed it, but encouraged it.

She's now having to un-entangle herself from him all over again.

It's not healthy. Especially not for anyone who might be dating one of them.

[girl friday]

Gosh what a situation to be in. The thing that alarms me from what I have read is more the fact that the b/f won't take your feelings about this seriously. I don't feel it is normal behaviour and if they are apart permantly then the children need to understand this and accept this. It does the children no good to be in a "fairy tale place" where they see their parents together and their family intact, which in reality is not the truth. And it is very confusing for them.

I would be seriously uncomfortable with this situation. My partner did long distance with his kids for about 2 years and during that time we had them with us at school holiday time and they intergrated into our family.

If your b/f is serious about making a future with you then he has to put you first and create a strong relationship with you and part of that is understanding your concerns. You can not be emotionally connected to two people at the same time so he has to untangle himself from his ex and concentrate on connecting with you and his kids as a family unit.

Good luck don't let yourself be walked over. Trust your intuition and go with it.

[alsoseekingclarity]

Hi Seeking clarity,

I have a similar post. It looks as though you choose to work things out with your BF on this issue. How is that going? Do you feel he is being honest and do you feel that he respects you?

I do not want to leave my BF but I also do not want to be used. I am having a hard time with the same situation and you are the only one I know of in the same position.

My BF's daughtersw live in Florida and we are in NH. I just found out that he stays at her house when visiting even though he has relatives close by there. How are you coping?

[turnera]

The poster hasn't been back in 6 months.

[chantiq72]

Originally Posted by CandieGirl

But anyway, when I look at the situation objectively I think: if I can believe that he is not having sex with her- which I can- and he and I have a good emotional connection- which we do- then why does it feel somehow like an emotional betrayal for him to be there with her and the children in the family atmosphere? She is the mother of his children, after all, and if the only way for him to see the children is when she is there then why should I not be able to accept this for the childrens' sake? He says the situation is painful for her (she is not over him and was very upset when he told her about me, even though she accepts it and has tried to communicate that to me) and that it certainly isn't ideal for him either. But I don't know, I don't know. Is it just going to be impossible to have a relationship with this man until his children move out of her place? Is there some other solution I could offer him?

What about YOU? Stop worrying about the 'mother of his children'...I put the kibosh on my H even saying "the mother of my children", as if it were some type of girl scout badge! So they had a couple of kids, big deal! In my experience, it's been a hell of a lot harder to NOT get pregnant!

Candygirl... love your quote there.. you're rock!!!