He spends weekends away with ex-wife and kids?
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »The Family & Parenting Forums » He spends weekends away with ex-wife and kids?

The Family & Parenting Forums Family dynamics can be exactly that - dynamic! Post here about family related issues such as parenting, blended families, step-families, new relationships with children involved, family of origin issues, in-laws or sibling issues.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 09-25-2011, 05:19 AM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 24
Default He spends weekends away with ex-wife and kids?

Hi, thanks to anyone who has any advice on this one. My partner and I have been together for almost a year. When we got together, he had just moved (for work reasons) to a new location about 6-8 hours drive from where his ex-wife and children live. He spends about one weekend a month, and sometimes a week at a time, with them and sleeps at his ex-wife's place and hangs out with her with or without the kids. He does this because he literally does not have the money to stay at a hotel (he can barely afford to pay the cost- about 150 euros- of driving there; he's already paying child support and vacations). It makes me very uncomfortable. Although I'm glad he wants to be there for his kids, I feel that he's sending the wrong message to them and that by staying with her and acting like a family in this way, he IS still preserving that family. I recently told him that if we are to be together, I need to know that WE are a family and that I will be co-parenting the kids with him. I would be glad to let his ex join in on special occasions or to do this at her place, as long as it's understood that we + his kids are a kind of "family" and not the other way around. He doesn't seem to understand and seems to think I am just unable to understand his kids' feelings, that I want to put myself before them. I have absolutely supported his desire to spend time with his kids & have suggested they stay here, it's logistically impossible unless it's a holiday because of their school schedule. We have also gone there once and stayed in a hotel, but this really took away from his time with them. He says it's just easier and more fun for them to hang out with him at their home rather than in some small hotel room (which it certainly is). But I still feel that the whole situation is twisted, even while I can offer no solutions. Am I wrong to feel this way???? Am I selfish? What should I do/ask him to do? Please help. I'm so confused!
PS: They were together for 10 years, divorced for six years, and in the years before meeting me were having a sexual relationship without being a true "couple". He says that for him it was absolutely purely sexual & that he made this clear when he accepted her suggestion that they try just being sex partners. He says he felt that this made things easier for both of them to get along & that it was also good for the kids to be able to hang out with both of them in a non-hostile environment.
SeekingClarity is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 09-25-2011, 05:22 AM   #2 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 24
Default Re: He spends weekends away with ex-wife and kids?

PS to my last message: when I say "co-parenting," I mean that our relationship with them will be as a couple in addition to his personal, individual relationship with each of them...his ex has custody & that is fine with me, so most of the time he and I cannot see them anyway. I like them a lot & I even like her to the extent that I know her (not much at all):
SeekingClarity is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-25-2011, 09:11 AM   #3 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: In an igloo.
Posts: 2,007
Default Re: He spends weekends away with ex-wife and kids?

I am not a parent, nor have I ever been divorced. Take what I say with a grain of salt.

It seems like your partner has A LOT of unfinished business with his ex. I have never heard of a divorced man who is in another relationship, yet still sleeps over at his ex's house. I wouldn't be surprised if they were still intimate. His ex is using the children as an excuse to continue playing house with him....this is unacceptable and disrespectful to YOU.

You could try letting him know how you feel, along with setting boundaries about what you will and will not tolerate. You teach people how to treat you, lovey. He can do this crap, because you are allowing it. I would have been out the door.
FirstYearDown is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-25-2011, 09:51 AM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
that_girl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Wherever I lay my head.
Posts: 10,381
Default Re: He spends weekends away with ex-wife and kids?

Quote:
Originally Posted by FirstYearDown View Post
I am not a parent, nor have I ever been divorced. Take what I say with a grain of salt.

It seems like your partner has A LOT of unfinished business with his ex. I have never heard of a divorced man who is in another relationship, yet still sleeps over at his ex's house. I wouldn't be surprised if they were still intimate. His ex is using the children as an excuse to continue playing house with him....this is unacceptable and disrespectful to YOU.

You could try letting him know how you feel, along with setting boundaries about what you will and will not tolerate. You teach people how to treat you, lovey. He can do this crap, because you are allowing it. I would have been out the door.
Good advice from a non-parent-non-divorcee!

I wouldn't be ok with this. I am a parent and have an ex-partner. I wouldn't stay at his place with our daughter unless I wanted him back. Hence why I haven't stayed with him in over 10 years.

I agree with setting boundaries, but be ready for him to let you go if he doesn't agree. Don't make it about the kids, but more about him staying at his ex's.
__________________

One day can change your life. One day can ruin your life. All life is is three or four big days that change everything.
that_girl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-25-2011, 09:53 AM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
Entropy3000's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: In Love
Posts: 9,701
Default Re: He spends weekends away with ex-wife and kids?

Totally unacceptable situation. In a long distance situation like that the children would visit with you guys for an extended period when they are not in school. The vacation would be spent with you not the ex. He should never sleep over the ex-wifes house and he should not be spending time with her.

If this does not work then he should consider moving closer to them if that is in his priorities. Kids are important but he chose a new life with you. Actually he has chosen to have both you and his ex-wife. It appears his ex-wife is still unattached to anyone but him. He is in essence now has two wives.

Quote:
PS: They were together for 10 years, divorced for six years, and in the years before meeting me were having a sexual relationship without being a true "couple". He says that for him it was absolutely purely sexual & that he made this clear when he accepted her suggestion that they try just being sex partners. He says he felt that this made things easier for both of them to get along & that it was also good for the kids to be able to hang out with both of them in a non-hostile environment.
I think this can infer that they still have a sexual relationship even now.

I am having trouble reconciling these previous thread of yours:

My story of perfect companionship, little intimacy. Advice greatly appreciated.

This one says you have been together 15 years.

Quote:
My husband and I have been together for almost 15 years now. We have a functional relationship that gives a sort of surface happiness to both of us. But the lack of connection, the undercurrent of anxiety and anguish is also there. Until a few months ago, we lived together here in his (European) country.
Bothered by how little time he spends with his kids from ex-marriage

Two days later:

Quote:
I've been seeing my current partner for about eight months now & although I love him, I'm increasingly bothered by how little time he wants to give to his kids (8 and 13). It seems to indicate selfishness...but I don't have kids, so it's hard for me to say. He had to move far away from them and his ex-wife (about 8 hours drive) when he was laid off of his job & now is able to see them for the occasional long weekend and during a week or so maybe twice a year. There is no public transportation for his route, so he has to drive and I know it must be exhausting (not to mention expensive) every time he does. When he lived there, his ex-wife also took care of them most of the time, although he says he saw them a lot more.
Do you have a husband AND a different partner who has kids? Two men?

Last edited by Entropy3000; 09-25-2011 at 10:12 AM.
Entropy3000 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 09-25-2011, 03:59 PM   #6 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 24
Default Re: He spends weekends away with ex-wife and kids?

Hi, I appreciate your responses. Entropy, I almost added a note to my first message to clarify how this squares with my other posts, but it just seemed too long...my ex husband and I separated almost a year ago (I wrote several months, but it's been about 11). We were together for 15 years. My new relationship has been on since then.

Your responses are very helpful, all of you. Tonight we talked and he said he was surprised by my attitude (listened very patiently and non-judgementally, but admitted that he was surprised). He said he thought his situation was quite normal and that I was possessive. I had made very clear that this is not about the kids at all, only about him and his ex. I have been confused ever since we talked tonight, as he really seems firmly convinced that the situation is normal, and won't even admit that it might be uncomfortable for me or that a person who feels unconfortable in my situation is having a normal reaction. Reading your responses, I realize that it is not at all abnormal for me to be feeling this way...
SeekingClarity is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-25-2011, 04:18 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Entropy3000's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: In Love
Posts: 9,701
Default Re: He spends weekends away with ex-wife and kids?

There is nothing normal, usual or typical about what he is doing.

Of course he is going to take that position. But whether he is sincere or not is not the point. This should not be acceptable to you, unless you are ok living in an open marriage.

I think what through me off is that the date stamps on your posts were two days apart. Not years apart. 09-05-2011 Your husband of 15 years. 09-07-2011 your hubby of less than one year.

So you were married to a guy for 15 years ... Soooo, I am thinking you are not yet married to this new guy with the ex-wife. He is your BF. Are you divorced from the first husband yet? It looks like you got separated and moved in with this guy. How long had you known your current partner before you separated from your first husband?

Last edited by Entropy3000; 09-25-2011 at 05:26 PM.
Entropy3000 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 09-25-2011, 04:32 PM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
Jellybeans's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 18,886
Default Re: He spends weekends away with ex-wife and kids?

My bet is he's still banging her.
Posted via Mobile Device
Jellybeans is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-25-2011, 04:42 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
Entropy3000's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: In Love
Posts: 9,701
Default Re: He spends weekends away with ex-wife and kids?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jellybeans View Post
My bet is he's still banging her.
Posted via Mobile Device
Its just sex



I hope the sarcasm came through with that.
Entropy3000 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 09-26-2011, 02:33 AM   #10 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 24
Default Re: He spends weekends away with ex-wife and kids?

Hi again, thanks for the feedback...I gather from your responses that this situation would be absolutely unacceptable to most people. I don't know why it is so easy for me to normalize him staying over at her place, but I consider myself to be a fair and reasonable person and I guess my first instinct is always to trust the other person when I have no reason to doubt him or her, and try to understand where he's coming from. The emotional (and sexual) connection we have is so deep that I cannot doubt his honesty. And objectively, I think if I were in his situation I might not know what else to do, either, short of not seeing the kids at all. Also, I think it has to do with the fact that we had been strictly friends for three years when we first got together (which was AFTER my husband and I had separated, for totally unrelated reasons; I did not leave my husband for him and --despite my occasional self-questioning-- will not go back to my husband if this relationship does not work out). My work requires that I spend over half of my time in another city where he and I were colleagues. He, too, was far from his children after having been laid off from his job where they live. After a long search, he had found a new but not permanent position where my second office was located, which was also a foreign country for him. When we met he was in the situation I described: divorced but sleeping with his ex and spending long periods (several weeks at a time) whenever he could at her place with the kids, which his position allowed. I was slowly coming to terms with the reality of my need to leave my husband over those years, too, even though he and I never talked about that. It honestly never crossed my mind that there could be something more with him, and according to him it never crossed his mind, either. We were just friends, and as our friendship deepened so did our emotional connection. Then he was offered a new and much better position back in his home country, but far from his kids. I happened to be there the week he was packing to leave and, on the night we were going to say goodbye, we found that we could not. Since then, we have both been trying to negotiate and re-adjust our lives to fit with this new reality. He has a new job, in a new location, has ended his physical relationship with her but cannot accept only seeing his children on vacations (earlier I wrote about how little I thought he was seeing them, but then later he told me that the first stages of our relationship had really distracted him from them and that he needed to make it a priority to spend at least one weekend a month with them, which seems good and right to me). I do not live here but have been able to spend about half of my time here thanks to a great boss who allows me to work remotely. And since my current job will soon end anyway, I am thinking of moving here. But it's a big risk for me - a new country, new language...as for my ex, we have not divorced yet, mainly because there are so many new variables (it's not clear where I will be living, if I'll be able to find a job immediately, what the legal issues might be in terms of how best to liquidate our assets..) and also because we have just needed time to let the reality of this loss set in. With every week it has become clearer that we did the right thing by separating. I think both of us have now accepted it.

But anyway, when I look at the situation objectively I think: if I can believe that he is not having sex with her- which I can- and he and I have a good emotional connection- which we do- then why does it feel somehow like an emotional betrayal for him to be there with her and the children in the family atmosphere? She is the mother of his children, after all, and if the only way for him to see the children is when she is there then why should I not be able to accept this for the childrens' sake? He says the situation is painful for her (she is not over him and was very upset when he told her about me, even though she accepts it and has tried to communicate that to me) and that it certainly isn't ideal for him either. But I don't know, I don't know. Is it just going to be impossible to have a relationship with this man until his children move out of her place? Is there some other solution I could offer him?
SeekingClarity is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-26-2011, 09:59 AM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
Inloveforeverwithhubby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 170
Default Re: He spends weekends away with ex-wife and kids?

Tough situation to be in.

I think it is too much temptation for him to be over there.

Especially since they are on good terms and especially since they have had a sex arrangement before.

Years ago I knew of a gal(neighbour), 3 kids with one guy and they were split up for along time. (Years?)

Eventually he moved close by, a few miles away and married someone else.

He would come over to stay the night "with the kids", and yes him and the ex, the kids mom, were having sex.

Wife didnt know.
Inloveforeverwithhubby is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-26-2011, 04:36 PM   #12 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: In an igloo.
Posts: 2,007
Default Re: He spends weekends away with ex-wife and kids?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SeekingClarity View Post
Hi again, thanks for the feedback...I gather from your responses that this situation would be absolutely unacceptable to most people. I don't know why it is so easy for me to normalize him staying over at her place, but I consider myself to be a fair and reasonable person and I guess my first instinct is always to trust the other person when I have no reason to doubt him or her, and try to understand where he's coming from. The emotional (and sexual) connection we have is so deep that I cannot doubt his honesty. And objectively, I think if I were in his situation I might not know what else to do, either, short of not seeing the kids at all. Also, I think it has to do with the fact that we had been strictly friends for three years when we first got together (which was AFTER my husband and I had separated, for totally unrelated reasons; I did not leave my husband for him and --despite my occasional self-questioning-- will not go back to my husband if this relationship does not work out). My work requires that I spend over half of my time in another city where he and I were colleagues. He, too, was far from his children after having been laid off from his job where they live. After a long search, he had found a new but not permanent position where my second office was located, which was also a foreign country for him. When we met he was in the situation I described: divorced but sleeping with his ex and spending long periods (several weeks at a time) whenever he could at her place with the kids, which his position allowed. I was slowly coming to terms with the reality of my need to leave my husband over those years, too, even though he and I never talked about that. It honestly never crossed my mind that there could be something more with him, and according to him it never crossed his mind, either. We were just friends, and as our friendship deepened so did our emotional connection. Then he was offered a new and much better position back in his home country, but far from his kids. I happened to be there the week he was packing to leave and, on the night we were going to say goodbye, we found that we could not. Since then, we have both been trying to negotiate and re-adjust our lives to fit with this new reality. He has a new job, in a new location, has ended his physical relationship with her but cannot accept only seeing his children on vacations (earlier I wrote about how little I thought he was seeing them, but then later he told me that the first stages of our relationship had really distracted him from them and that he needed to make it a priority to spend at least one weekend a month with them, which seems good and right to me). I do not live here but have been able to spend about half of my time here thanks to a great boss who allows me to work remotely. And since my current job will soon end anyway, I am thinking of moving here. But it's a big risk for me - a new country, new language...as for my ex, we have not divorced yet, mainly because there are so many new variables (it's not clear where I will be living, if I'll be able to find a job immediately, what the legal issues might be in terms of how best to liquidate our assets..) and also because we have just needed time to let the reality of this loss set in. With every week it has become clearer that we did the right thing by separating. I think both of us have now accepted it.

But anyway, when I look at the situation objectively I think: if I can believe that he is not having sex with her- which I can- and he and I have a good emotional connection- which we do- then why does it feel somehow like an emotional betrayal for him to be there with her and the children in the family atmosphere? She is the mother of his children, after all, and if the only way for him to see the children is when she is there then why should I not be able to accept this for the childrens' sake? He says the situation is painful for her (she is not over him and was very upset when he told her about me, even though she accepts it and has tried to communicate that to me) and that it certainly isn't ideal for him either. But I don't know, I don't know. Is it just going to be impossible to have a relationship with this man until his children move out of her place? Is there some other solution I could offer him?
Read the bolded parts again. You DO know what is going on here, you are just choosing to rationalize it.

It seems like you and your boyfriend have some issues to resolve with your exes. Both of you haven't let go, which why you are not divorced and he is sleeping with his ex.

Clearly, your boyfriend goes over there to comfort his wife. He is using her vulnerability against her, to get sex. If your boyfriend was sleeping with his ex before, what is to stop him for continuing to do so?

He can still visit his children without sleeping over! Your boyfriend's behaviour is also unfair to the children-very confusing!

Last edited by FirstYearDown; 09-26-2011 at 04:52 PM.
FirstYearDown is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-26-2011, 05:06 PM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
Entropy3000's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: In Love
Posts: 9,701
Default Re: He spends weekends away with ex-wife and kids?

Quote:
Originally Posted by FirstYearDown View Post
Read the bolded parts again. You DO know what is going on here, you are just choosing to rationalize it.

It seems like you and your boyfriend have some issues to resolve with your exes. Both of you haven't let go, which why you are not divorced and he is sleeping with his ex.

Clearly, your boyfriend goes over there to comfort his wife. He is using her vulnerability against her, to get sex. If your boyfriend was sleeping with his ex before, what is to stop him for continuing to do so?

He can still visit his children without sleeping over! Your boyfriend's behaviour is also unfair to the children-very confusing!
Entropy3000 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 09-27-2011, 02:22 AM   #14 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 24
Default Re: He spends weekends away with ex-wife and kids?

Hi again, thanks for your comments FirstYearDown and Entropy. With regard to my (soon to be ex) husband, it's true that it's taken me some time to work through this. Just a few weeks ago I was still wondering whether I had made the right decision. But now I know that the doubts were mainly a product of my not having been back to my old home and not having seen him for more than two days since we separated early this year. I recently visited and realized that it is truly over.
Regarding my current partner: believe me, I am not only not convinced that he is sleeping with her, I'm convinced that he isn't. I admit, however, that part of what makes me uncomfortable is how easy it would be for them to start or have the occasional lapse. We talked about this again and he said I just have to trust him on this. I told him that I trust him to the extent that I trust myself, and in that situation I am not sure how easy it would be for me to stay neutral. But the real issue for me is not sex. The real issue for me is that he cannot accept having a relationship with his children that would separate them from that family context they have always known. Being in her space with them is also being in *their* space and allows him to visit with them in relaxed, normal way by allowing them to do the things they usually do at home. Until now, he's been able to be there for them as a father without disrupting their lives in the usual ways that divorce does, forcing them to divide their time between one place and another, and I think that maintaing that semblance of "normalcy" is his number one priority regardless of what I think. To me- and I could be wrong- this is about her only to the extent that having a smooth, "normal", non-hostile relationship with her while he's there (and when talking on the phone about the kids, which he does regularly) is essential to maintaining that model. I think he's afraid that visiting with them in a hotel hotel room or in public spaces (even if he could afford this, which is truly a problem) would be so strange and weird for them that both the kids and he would just be miserable whenever he visited. I understand this. But I guess I am just very confused about where I stand on it. My reservations:

-Since she really has not gotten over him yet and he knows this, he is only causing her pain by being there in these circumstances. Yet he is willing to do this because he feels that the children's happiness comes before anything else, even the discomfort this causes her. What do I think about this? I do not know. It seems intuitively wrong, but rationally it does seem that the children should come first. Also, he knew that she was not really over him when they were sleeping together, but accepted the situation anyway because it made being with the children easier for him and for them. She repeatedly assured him that she was fine with the situation and knew it was "only sex" and that he might meet someone any day- which he did once before he and I got together. But he knew deep down that she was not over him and allowed the situation to continue. I talked to him about this a lot when we first got together and asked him how he could do that. He said they talked about it openly and he believed her when she said she knew what she was doing & would be fine, but that now he sees that probably that was a mistake.

-Regardless of the effect on her, I don't know how to wrap my mind around the fact that he and his ex still offer their children a united "family" front. It seems to be keeping alive an emotional relationship that should be neutralized now that he's with me. But again, at a rational level I don't understand why this should bother me so much. Is it really that confusing for the children that he be spending his visits there? They know me and like me. They know that I'm their father's girlfriend. We did a weekend vacation with them together with them, without her, and had a great time. So it must be clear to them that his relationship with their mother is not romantic. And yet...and yet...I still feel upset about the situation and don't know why. Divorce seems to lead to this kind of imperfect situation, after all. The bottom line is that, for him, it is in the kids' best interest that he and his ex relate to them as a united front and I should understand that this IS only about the kids and not about him and his ex. This means that my feeling threatened and uncomfortable with the arrangement is coming from my own insecurity, not from any real threat. And my question is: what IS the real threat that their arrangement poses to me, at a level deeper than sex? I am still having trouble articulating that to myself...
SeekingClarity is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-27-2011, 07:12 AM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
Entropy3000's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: In Love
Posts: 9,701
Default Re: He spends weekends away with ex-wife and kids?

Maybe you could go along and spend the night with him in her house.
Entropy3000 is online now   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
wife goes out on weekends too much IMO mtyfmog General Relationship Discussion 39 09-14-2012 05:52 PM
Kids, chores, weekends, and Daddy Sameold The Family & Parenting Forums 4 10-15-2011 06:46 AM
Bothered by how little time he spends with his kids from ex-marriage SeekingClarity The Family & Parenting Forums 7 09-29-2011 11:39 PM
Wife spends the night at another man's house Aragorn General Relationship Discussion 32 08-24-2010 03:38 PM
Wife spends too much time out drinking. Zebolt General Relationship Discussion 6 06-02-2008 02:14 AM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 03:35 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage