Another week of battles with nearly 18 yr old daughter - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-02-2016, 03:43 PM
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Re: Another week of battles with nearly 18 yr old daughter

I hate to say this, but have you and your husband considered getting some counseling for your selves? I have seen this same type of behavior from my niece. My brother and his wife cannot fathom that they may have done anything wrong in raising their daughter, so it must just be the daughter. I am not saying you or your H is to blame, only that you rule it out. It also might not hurt to hear some unbiased advice. You may very well have done your best all along, but sometimes we can all benefit from some outside advice.


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post #17 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-02-2016, 09:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Another week of battles with nearly 18 yr old daughter

H and I have had a few counselling sessions over the last 18 mths which has helped enormously. We hit a low point and worked out in counselling that a very controlling and manipulating "friend" was trying to get between us and we were letting him. We missed a lot of the signs but now that we have stopped contact with them, things with us are probably stronger than ever.

I take the girls individually out for "us" time. Coffee, lunch, shopping, nails, etc and all goes well. As soon as D18 gets home, the same behaviour can start, which just makes me feel like stopping everything with her.

We all had a great day out with friends yesterday at a theme park. But guess what?? D18 started with a bit of attitude when we got home but we both stopped her and she did. I will follow up and read the suggestions given. Thanks again.
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post #18 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-10-2016, 06:12 AM
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Re: Another week of battles with nearly 18 yr old daughter

I know you are going thru hell right now but I still had to laugh at your situation, I can't help but think back to when my daughter was that age, those were a few dark years! When my daughter was 15 thru 18 she was like a hand grenade, she would blow up and we would stand there shell shocked over what just happened.

The worst thing I see you doing is engaging and trying to match temper with her, you are teaching her to just fight louder. The goal of any disagreement should be resolution, even if the resolution is not to agree.

I suggest you sit her down right now and draw a line in the sand called respect for both of you, both of you agree that things have gotten out of hand, you take as much blame for this situation as you can because in truth you have taught her how to fight. Make a deal, as soon as one of you starts yelling the argument is over, the other wins. How's that for incentive?

That approach worked with my daughter, she would still blow up occasionally but she got tired very quickly of seeing my doing my little victory dance. But I will admit to losing a couple of those fights as well, but I tell you what, you learn to be very careful and deliberate with what you say when something important is on the line.

Last edited by Cooper; 04-10-2016 at 06:20 AM.
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post #19 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-10-2016, 06:56 AM
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Re: Another week of battles with nearly 18 yr old daughter

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Originally Posted by Yeswecan View Post
To be sure, when 18 and putting hands on others is considered assault. Next time she pulls that stunt call the cops. Let her understand she may not have to listen to you when she is 18 but there are other authority figures that can assist with that.
I would not actually call the police, but I would explain that it is within your rights to do so.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #20 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-10-2016, 07:10 AM
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Re: Another week of battles with nearly 18 yr old daughter

I would have two conversations with her. The first one would be a very clear explanation of the legal rights and responsibilities of reaching the age of majority--18. You are no longer obligated to provide for her in any way, including giving her shelter. You are obligated to protect her minor sister, however. Any violent actions she may take at that age, towards you, her sister, or any other person or animal will likely be met with fines/jail time should they be reported to the police. She needs to know the facts upfront.

The second conversation would be started by saying how sad I feel even having to have the first conversation. I would explain how disappointed I am that things are in such a sad state, and ask her how she thinks it has arrived there. I would listen to what she says, and probe any parts that could lead to revealing underlying feelings of hurt or insecurity. She may be taking out her frustration at some outside element on people she thinks can take it, her safe people, her family. Important to identify that and show her a healthier way to deal with her frustrations.

Also, be open to hearing her frustrations with you. Listen. Do not get defensive. Kids often do not see the reasons for things their parents have done that may have hurt them. When they understand why a decision was made, their emotions about it often calm down.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #21 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-10-2016, 08:32 AM
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How long has this behavior been going on? Have you ever had your daughter tested for a social disability? I am a social worker with DSS and it sounds to me like she could possibly have a condition called oppositional defiant disorder if this behavior is normal for her rather than something that just came up recently. Also, is there any chance at all that she could be using drugs? It's not uncommon for teens to be angry, but acting out physically, even on a mild level, is not either normal or acceptable.
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post #22 of 23 (permalink) Old 04-11-2016, 02:25 PM
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Re: Another week of battles with nearly 18 yr old daughter

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I would not actually call the police, but I would explain that it is within your rights to do so.
You get one free pass. After that....

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post #23 of 23 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 04:36 AM
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Thumbs down Re: Another week of battles with nearly 18 yr old daughter

When I read stories where parents are whining on and on about their kids, I want to ask the parents: Where did YOU GO WRONG? The whining parents rarely ever mention how and why they contributed to the struggles with their kids and the kids NEVER get to tell their side of it.
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My daughter will be 18 in 3 weeks but this behaviour has been going on for about 3 years and is getting worse.
Where did you go wrong? Surely there must have been a time when she loved and respected her parents.

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Tonight was a perfect example. D18 had asked my 12 yr old daughter if she could get a teacher at school to download something on a usb for her. D12 told her tonight that she spent all recess and lunch trying but was then told the teacher was away for 2 weeks. D18 said it was ok but then when D 12 tried to explain what happened D18 turned on her saying "don't worry because you can't be bothered". The conversation started to get loud and horrible and carried on for a few mins, D12 was getting upset and D18 started interrupting and putting her hand up in D12 face to stop her talking. I eventually went through to protect D12 and it exploded. I did get up close to D18 and when she put her hand in my face, I grabbed it to move it away. I know I shouldn't have done that.
I don't know how or when you did it but I see some very bad and inadequate parenting in this scenario. Exactly how and when did things get this bad and ugly in your home? I could stop and tell you how and why my older brother and I became as mean and violent as you kids due to very bad parenting which FAILED to promote love and respect in our home! Well, I don't need to examine the rest of your sad tale to see that what happened in our family, due to bad parenting, is also happening in your family where there is not enough love and respect but PLENTY of animosity and contempt - put there by the parents.

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Sorry this has become so long. It is really knocking my self esteem at the moment.
Improved self esteem for both parents would be a good place to start repairing the damages that sham-based parenting has done to your family and your kids.

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