Fellow parents of older teens, what are your thoughts? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 16 (permalink) Old 04-14-2016, 01:13 AM Thread Starter
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Fellow parents of older teens, what are your thoughts?

I'm wanting to know the thoughts/opinions of other parents of older teens if it was you in this situation.

I will admit straight up, I have enough rot going on my life right now that I wish I could ignore this issue with my daughter but I can't ignore it.
I have to give some background because I think it helps in understanding why she is making the choices she is making at present.
My daughter is 19 but biologically she is actually my niece. I was given full custody of her when she was 10, I also cared for her for 6 months when she was 3. Her father is my brother, the bio mother left her life when she was 6 months old. Her father neglected her severely and child services stood in and after a long court battle, she was made legally mine and her bio parents lost all rights.
So she came to me a damaged child, we worked hard to correct her bad behavior, her bad thoughts, bad schooling etc with top notch therapy and she did improve.
Over the years of therapy, there were many predictions made for her if she continued to behave certain ways and think certain ways, she was given all the signs to watch out for etc and given advice on how not to go down the wrong path and she hasn't done too bad with all things considered.
She made the choice to live like a hermit, she refused to socialize, refused to do normal things that teens do, so when she decided to move out late last year she was very naive, immature and not street wise at all.
Fast forward to 2 months ago and she announces she has her first ever boyfriend, we were happy for her.
We had a long chat about relationships and I gently reminded her of her risk factors etc and just advised her to be careful and to not fall for the signs that she has been told are signs of danger with a man.
These risk factors come from what the professionals have told me/us over the years, they are mainly based around men in her life because she is the type that craves male attention, is always seeking male attention etc and they say it's because she did not get it when she was little.
After that long chat on the phone to her, I said to my husband/her father that because of things she had just said, I predict she is going to ignore the years of advice and she will be having sex straight away, moving in with him asap and putting aside all her dreams/work/effort to join the army etc because she claimed that she loved him on the first date.
On the next call to her she finally told me that this guy is 34 years old.....ummmm she is only just 19 and this does not sit right with us at all, on any level and she admitted that they had sex on the first date and he took her virginity.
Then I got a text last night telling me that she has moved in with him because they love each other so much and that she has decided to not go ahead with her army application (she had worked hard for nearly 1 year to get into the army).
So she is doing everything predicted the only thing left is a baby on the way.
She's asking us to meet him and we have no interest in meeting him. We did a bit of background and we know he targets young girls, we know she met him online and things just don't add up to being good, they add up to a much older guy having an interest in much younger virgin girls who he seduces, takes their cherry then is gone with in a short period of time, we found he has had 5 previous girls where this same path was taken and all these previous girls where either 18 or 19 but one was only 17 and this was his 2nd last girlfriend in early 2015 so that made him 33, not one of these girls was over 19. Yes the legal age is 16 but where are the morals!?!
What on earth would they have in common, especially with my daughter because she is so young in her mind, fresh out of home with no life experience, no previous boyfriend experience etc, it just doesn't add up to us and this is why it seems like he could be one of these guys who is a sicko and targets young girls but he ensure they are just old enough that he won't get into legal trouble.

So what, if anything, would you do and what would you say to your daughter if this was yours.
I have not answered her text where she tells us she has moved in etc because I just don't know what to say, I know what I want to say and it's not nice but it's her life and she has to live it and she has to be the one to get burned by this guy etc but at the same time, we are the ones who will have to deal with the negative consequences of this situation, especially if a baby comes along.
By the way, they have only been dating for just on 2 months.


Last edited by Beautiful-day-I-hope; 04-14-2016 at 01:17 AM. Reason: spelling
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post #2 of 16 (permalink) Old 04-14-2016, 01:26 AM
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Re: Fellow parents of older teens, what are your thoughts?

34 seems WAY too old for a 19 y/o.

If it was me (I have only sons..and have had similar situations from the other direction)...I would meet him. Feel him out...Have your husband get to know him. Well. Hell...when my wife didn't like a girlfriend..she would go all out and be straight besties with the girl...usually took care of things pretty quickly.

Anything negative about this guy will only push a little girl that much farther to him....it never fails.

It does seem odd that a man that loves her would want her to give up her dreams/plans....

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post #3 of 16 (permalink) Old 04-14-2016, 02:27 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Fellow parents of older teens, what are your thoughts?

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34 seems WAY too old for a 19 y/o.

If it was me (I have only sons..and have had similar situations from the other direction)...I would meet him. Feel him out...Have your husband get to know him. Well. Hell...when my wife didn't like a girlfriend..she would go all out and be straight besties with the girl...usually took care of things pretty quickly.

Anything negative about this guy will only push a little girl that much farther to him....it never fails.

It does seem odd that a man that loves her would want her to give up her dreams/plans....
Hmmmm, food for thought there, I never thought about friending the guy and sussing him out firsthand. My instant thoughts were "hell no are we meeting this creepo" and also because I know my daughter and I know if we meet him, in her eyes this means we agree with her actions and are ok with what they are doing and we definitely are not ok with it.
Yes, I thought the same thing, why would he allow her to give up on this dream and this is why we are questioning his motives.
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post #4 of 16 (permalink) Old 04-14-2016, 02:35 AM
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Re: Fellow parents of older teens, what are your thoughts?

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Hmmmm, food for thought there, I never thought about friending the guy and sussing him out firsthand. My instant thoughts were "hell no are we meeting this creepo" and also because I know my daughter and I know if we meet him, in her eyes this means we agree with her actions and are ok with what they are doing and we definitely are not ok with it.
Yes, I thought the same thing, why would he allow her to give up on this dream and this is why we are questioning his motives.
I can see how that would be appealing...If you aren't present you have zero influence -If you don't know him anything you say about him will be met with a cry of "You just don't know him"- and it would be true. Knowing him gives you what you need most....information and access

Additionally...If this guy has other motives....parents that are present and involved would put a serious kink in his plans. Because of their access

Get the info first...because if she is across town....I don't know anyone that can see that far.

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post #5 of 16 (permalink) Old 04-14-2016, 09:27 AM
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Re: Fellow parents of older teens, what are your thoughts?

I agree with MarriedDude. Invite him over and get to know him. Stop voicing your displeasure about the relationship. Because you don't want him to say to her "your folks don't know me, they are trying to control your life, they don't want us to be together"....The familiar crap they tell to hold on and control the younger girl with.

Your story is like my nightmare. I have an almost 19 years old D. Who marches to the tune of her own drums. I am always worried that some jackass is going to come along and change my baby girl to a mindless fool.

I have had talks about the kinds of people she would meet. The user, the controller, the taker and the giver. I hope she meets someone nice and I don't have to worry about that. She's never had a boyfriend.

My plan is to never push her to not be involved. The more you push the more attractive the other person becomes. No darling, I intend to love him and become his best friend. Get to know him, until he can't take me anymore and just leave. He cant say to my DD that your mum does not like me. Oh no, I am going to like him so much, he is going to run out the door by himself.

So, get to know him. Spent time with him. Invite him over. Keep the enemy close, very close.

While you are doing that, don't stop telling your DD how much you love and admire her. Keeping uplifting her and remind her how much you want all the best for her. You got to know how to work it.

Let us know how your first meeting went.
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post #6 of 16 (permalink) Old 04-14-2016, 09:51 AM
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Re: Fellow parents of older teens, what are your thoughts?

If she's not currently in therapy, it might be wise to suggest it and offer to pay for it.

That, and some form of birth control - an IUD, or oral contraceptives if you think she'll be responsible enough to take them. The last thing any of you need is your painfully naÔve and overtly-attention-seeking daughter to get pregnant during her relationship with Mr. Predator.
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post #7 of 16 (permalink) Old 04-14-2016, 10:00 AM
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Re: Fellow parents of older teens, what are your thoughts?

My heart breaks for your situation. I agree with those that suggested meeting him. The more that you and your husband dislike him and talk negatively about him, the more she will be drawn to him. Kill him with kindness.

Is your daughter on birth control? If not, the first thing I'd do is get her a consultation with a doctor to discuss it with her.
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post #8 of 16 (permalink) Old 04-14-2016, 10:12 AM
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Re: Fellow parents of older teens, what are your thoughts?

Definitely meet him and be as involved in their lives as they'll allow you to be. She needs her family around her. She needs to know her family is tuned in and supports her and that she has good options and can leave him whenever she chooses. He needs to be very aware of this fact too.

And yes, birth control.
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post #9 of 16 (permalink) Old 04-15-2016, 12:32 PM
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Re: Fellow parents of older teens, what are your thoughts?

Are there are any other adult females, relatives, social workers, teachers etc. that you could bring in to the situation to try and talk sense to her? Sometimes hearing the same thing from a multitude of people, or from just that one trusted source can make all the difference. But yes short term I would offer to pay for counseling and BC, the sooner the better.
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post #10 of 16 (permalink) Old 04-15-2016, 01:32 PM
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Re: Fellow parents of older teens, what are your thoughts?

Sadly your daughter is going to do what she wants to do. She has a lot of growing up to do and it sounds like she's choosing the hard way to do this.

I agree with you meeting the guy. You say that she will take it as approval, but you can tell her that due to his history and his age you are not happy with their relationship. It would take a long time for him to prove that he has good intentions. But you are her parents, you love her and you will be there to be emotional support for her.

You say that his history is that he will dump her after a while. So be ready for that. Apparently she needs to go through this to truly learn the lessons that you have tries to teach her. I just home it takes only once hurt for her to learn them.


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post #11 of 16 (permalink) Old 04-15-2016, 02:01 PM
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Re: Fellow parents of older teens, what are your thoughts?

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Originally Posted by MarriedDude View Post
I can see how that would be appealing...If you aren't present you have zero influence -If you don't know him anything you say about him will be met with a cry of "You just don't know him"- and it would be true. Knowing him gives you what you need most....information and access

Additionally...If this guy has other motives....parents that are present and involved would put a serious kink in his plans. Because of their access

Get the info first...because if she is across town....I don't know anyone that can see that far.
so much yes. if he isolates her from you, there is no ceiling on the bad stuff that can happen.

not to be an alarmist. but if you can get her to go for birth control, see if you can convince her that they both should be tested for std's as well. If there's no pressure to use condoms there are still other life altering consequences than a child.

Forget enough to get over it, remember enough so it doesn't happen again.
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post #12 of 16 (permalink) Old 04-15-2016, 02:07 PM
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Re: Fellow parents of older teens, what are your thoughts?

Make up a room for her and stock up on chocolate and comfort food. There is a train wreck coming, there is nothing you can do to stop it, but you can prepare to care for the wounded.
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post #13 of 16 (permalink) Old 04-15-2016, 02:24 PM
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Re: Fellow parents of older teens, what are your thoughts?

If she were my daughter, she would have been protected better from situations like this. First of all, even though she's legal age I would have prevented her from seeing this 34 year old. She's clearly not ready to face the world on her own yet and needs to be protected from making poor choices, even moreso because of her past and she's predisposed to have these problems.

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post #14 of 16 (permalink) Old 04-15-2016, 06:05 PM
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Re: Fellow parents of older teens, what are your thoughts?

My friend, L, met a 36 year old man when she was 17. They moved in together as soon as she was 18 and were pregnant almost immediately. Her family did NOT approve. Neither did his. But both accepted that they had limited influence and could only offer support just in case.

L and her older man have 4 sons and have been married for a little over 24 years now.

None of us know the future and adult children, naieve or no, have the right to make their own mistakes and to learn from them just like the rest of us. Killing with kindness is your best bet. If he's a predator, you're part of her life and can be there for her if needed. If he's legit, you get a front seat to the beginning of the rest of her life.
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post #15 of 16 (permalink) Old 04-15-2016, 10:52 PM
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Re: Fellow parents of older teens, what are your thoughts?

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My friend, L, met a 36 year old man when she was 17. They moved in together as soon as she was 18 and were pregnant almost immediately. Her family did NOT approve. Neither did his. But both accepted that they had limited influence and could only offer support just in case.

L and her older man have 4 sons and have been married for a little over 24 years now.

None of us know the future and adult children, naieve or no, have the right to make their own mistakes and to learn from them just like the rest of us. Killing with kindness is your best bet. If he's a predator, you're part of her life and can be there for her if needed. If he's legit, you get a front seat to the beginning of the rest of her life.
This is something to consider. The one thing that bothers me is that the OP says that the guy has a history of hooking up with young women (virgins) and then dumping them in short order.

One of my sisters married a 35 year old guy when she was 20. That was in 1982... 34 years ago. They are still married. Their two daughters have now finished college and are on their own.. one married.

Sometimes these relationships do work out.

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Last edited by EleGirl; 04-16-2016 at 12:03 AM.
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