dating a seperated man who still lives at home (as roomates)?
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Old 10-10-2011, 03:20 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Post dating a seperated man who still lives at home (as roomates)?

First of all, thank you for any advice you can offer me here.
I know this seems like a no-brainer right off the bat, duh!
I've been dating a very sweet guy almost eight months now who (here's the whopper) still shares a home with the ex (as roommates) and their two children. I was aware of the situation from the very beginning and have NEVER dated a married man previous, and having finished a devastating relationship 9 months prior, this arrangement was fine for me as we agreed we could take things slow and not jump into anything. I believe that they are not intimate, they have separate rooms, she has a boyfriend also and he spends almost every other weekend at my house. It is taking longer than desired because they cannot agree on the 50/50 custody that my BF is requesting and financial constrains.

The problem: During the first six or seven months, I spent most of my free time with him. The last month or so, I've hung out a few times with a few of my guy friends (some of whom happen to be ex-boyfriends). Unfortunately, most of my friends here are guys .. my close girl friends are out of state.
I have remained friends with all of my ex-boyfriends and I don't see this as a problem. Once itís over, it's over, to me this doesn't mean you can't be friends and in fact, sometimes these end up being really good friendships. Well, this has been a problem for him which I find hugely ironic considering that I have been willing to trust him in this situation. He feels it is different because he is not Ďhanging outí with his wife, only cohabitating and co-parenting. I am starting to feel he is becoming possessive and mistrusting, which has caused me to back off on the situation a bit and also because his divorce/impending move hasn't seemed to be making any progress and I've said all along I don't want to rush.
I am 38 and have a 9 year old son, engaged twice but never married. He is 36 and has a 15 year old girl and a 10 year old boy. Heís been married almost 14 years so does not have a lot of dating experience. I am respectful of his children's feelings and did not want to meet them until he was moved but I gave in on that after meeting his nieces and that getting back to his daughter. Iíve told him over and over again that I donít want to rush but he continues to push issues such as spending time with the kids and asks questions incessantly, which is really starting to bother me. I had to straight out tell him I was feeling smothered. Iíve told him from the get go he and his children will need time once heís actually divorced/moved to adjust but as he gets more and more inquisitive about my time and possessive about who I spend time with, I get more and more frustrated. He really is a very sweet, considerate guy so I donít want to just toss the baby out with the bathwater, so Iíve told him I need to retain my freedom until if/when we decide to take our relationship further and that wonít happen until his situation changes. He feels I am acting like my way or the highway and I am firm that I am just asking for what anyone would ask of a NORMAL relationship, and especially of one in these very odd circumstances.

Thoughts or advice, please? Thank you.
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Old 10-10-2011, 03:44 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: dating a seperated man who still lives at home (as roomates)?

Moving along sounds reasonable!!!

I personally would have an issue with the ex-boyfriends. BUT - to tell you to dump after you'd been so trusting and understanding of MY situation - makes NO sense.

Another thing - I would expect this to only get worse as you guys get closer. A controlling boyfriend / girlfriend is going to be even MORE controlling if you guys ever got married or lived together.
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Old 10-10-2011, 04:15 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: dating a seperated man who still lives at home (as roomates)?

Has he introduced you to his roomie (ex wife)? You've been dating him almost 8 months. If they truly are only roomies, it would seem only logical that he would have introduced you two. Whatever his situation is or isn't, he's in no position to enter into a serious relationship. He hasn't cleanly broken from his wife and he hasn't had time to grieve the loss of a 14 year marriage or to work on the part of him that contributed to the marriage failure. Until the ink is dry on an actual divorce decree, there is still the very real possibility that these two might reconcile.
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Old 10-10-2011, 04:32 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: dating a seperated man who still lives at home (as roomates)?

This one's easy: stop dating the married guy who still lives with his wife.
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Old 10-10-2011, 05:28 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: dating a seperated man who still lives at home (as roomates)?

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Originally Posted by Jellybeans View Post
This one's easy: stop dating the married guy who still lives with his wife.
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Thanks, that actually made me laugh

If only I'd had not started dating him in the first place... like I said sounds like a no-brainer and I've never dated a married/separated guy before, but they aren't TRULY separated now, are they!
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Old 10-10-2011, 05:29 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: dating a seperated man who still lives at home (as roomates)?

Thanks, NiceGuy! Good to hear an objective male perspective for both sides ...
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Old 10-11-2011, 01:36 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: dating a seperated man who still lives at home (as roomates)?

That's really tough. I've been in a similar situation, but it was a little more complicated. He told me he would never move out unless his children were with him. Clearly, he wasn't going to move out of the house; so I broke it off.

Your situation may be different. If he's introduced you to her, and you ladies can have some sort of a 'relationship', that is a little different. If that isn't an option for your BF, I would walk away.

Are you positive they are 'roommates'??
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Old 10-11-2011, 08:55 AM   #8 (permalink)
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If he's introduced you to her, and you ladies can have some sort of a 'relationship', that is a little different. If that isn't an option for your BF, I would walk away.

Are you positive they are 'roommates'??
I have not met her and probably won't. He was unfaithful in the marriage, that's was what has prompted their separation so he says she will never be 'cool' with any other woman in his life, which I completely understand. but yet, i've met his kids and the rest of his family. it is weird.

i've asked him repeatedly to give me some space and room to think about how i'm feeling. he's upset if we aren't seeing each other several times a week and talking several times a day. We are starting to fight daily because i feel like he's more emotional than a teenager at this point. He wants to get together to "talk" while I am asking for breathing room 3 days after we just had a long "talk" about the situation. He's confused because he feels like my feelings have changed rapidly and maybe they have, i started to feel smothered after it felt like he didn't trust me while i've been trusting him this whole time. constant questions .. i can't have two hours to myself without him asking what i did during that time. I think he doesn't realize because of his infidelity that he has trust issues. I've had them in the past so i see them all too clearly and that's honestly why i thought this would be a good situation for me. Argh, it is really driving me crazy.
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Old 10-11-2011, 09:10 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: dating a seperated man who still lives at home (as roomates)?

He IS a cheater, nuf said for cryin' out loud!
His wife, who was dedicated to him over a decade says kaput even though she is far more invested in him.....

big hint!


He is a bad egg and not a good choice of a mate and a loser with a capital L. Perhaps an attractive, loving loser but a bad choice. Bad choice.

Dump him.

LOL!
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Old 10-11-2011, 09:36 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: dating a seperated man who still lives at home (as roomates)?

He's controlling because he's a cheater, and he knows what he is inclined to do. This is bad news. I'd move on, this situation isn't likely to resolve itself. I bet the situation is more like she wants him out of the house and he won't leave. He wants 50/50 custody and thinks that leaving will jeopardize that. Looks like a long, ugly battle. You've shown him that you're willing to put up with it, as well. Do yourself a favor and just live and learn from this one. I know, harder said than done.
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Old 10-13-2011, 12:34 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: dating a seperated man who still lives at home (as roomates)?

I don't want to say it, but I'm sorry to say - you know what is going on and you just don't want to admit it to yourself
He is controlling for sure! He won't leave you alone after you asked him to. He is also trying to control the situation with his wife. He won't leave without the specific custody arrangement that he wants. Regardless of the situation, the beginning of your relationship was tainted, and most likely will be forever.

If a controlling man is what you are looking for, keep attempting. But it doesn't sound like you appreciate this kind of behaviour. I'd be out ASAP! Good luck girl!
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Old 10-17-2011, 02:52 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: dating a seperated man who still lives at home (as roomates)?

Well I think you should back out of it at least until his has his life in order.
It`s pretty messed up at the moment it seems.

Also you might want to re-think that friends with ex`s situation you have going on.
It`s a dealbreaker for most men who want a serious relationship.
I wouldn`t deal with it for a minute.

However your boyfriend is really in no position to complain considering his living space.
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Old 10-17-2011, 03:07 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: dating a seperated man who still lives at home (as roomates)?

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Originally Posted by JenifaOJenny View Post
He was unfaithful in the marriage
end of story

find a better man
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Old 10-20-2011, 07:55 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: dating a seperated man who still lives at home (as roomates)?

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Originally Posted by Jellybeans View Post
This one's easy: stop dating the married guy who still lives with his wife.
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JenifaOJenny, we all do cringe worthy things that we regret later.

You may have to work on listening to your intuition. There were red flags all over the place, you just chose to ignore them.

Chalk it up to experience and only date men who are single or divorced. Separated spouses reconcile all the time.
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Old 10-21-2011, 08:21 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: dating a seperated man who still lives at home (as roomates)?

Yup...this one's got too much baggage! Reminds me of a similar time in my life, except this married guy had his own apartment. He too was 'roomies' with his wife for 'years' the marriage was over and he slept on the couch. He only got the apartment to facilitate extramarital affairs. Kinda hard to have sex with his girlfriends on the living room couch with the family around! In my case, I didn't know he was still married til about 6 months in, and even then, I had to ask. Talk about cringe-worthy...
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