I am not a parent so all I can offer is theoretical opinions and examples from my own childhood. I believe that parents need to be in agreement about how to raise their kids and work as a unified team or the kids will be mentally damaged as yours seem to be now.
Over time my wife has made me feel marginalized as a parent and I'm really resenting her at this point.
As the other powerful adult in your home, I wonder how or why you allowed this to happen? Why didn't you take some more responsibility to do what you believed was RIGHT for your kids and your self??????
When our kids were younger (8-10) I would come to my to my wife to try to agree on setting rules and expectations for our kids to help them be accountable (room clean, school work, when to put away games / phone at night, etc, etc, etc.) and so they would develop good habits as they get older.
That seems reasonable to me.
Over time the kids would gripe to their mom or they'd tell her they would do whatever (what we originally asked them to do) later... or tomorrow... or next week. I would tell them to finish what they we're supposed to do and then they'd be done... and then could go do fun stuff. (visit friend, go to mall, etc)
So then why did you allow the kids or your wife to IGNORE the rules and boundaries that you and your wife had agreed upon?
Cut to now. 16-18. Kids don't listen to me... only their mom.
They all lost respect for you because you did not BACK UP your rules and standards!
What I found over time was my wife didn't always agree on how we should approach the kids and if she didn't like what rules we agreed on she would just not follow through. Not that she wouldn't tell me at the time... she'd just drag her feet and not follow through.
And you ALLOWED THAT!
My daughter is the older one and can be incredibly lazy. I love her but that's the truth.
Which is usually the consequences of inadequate parenting! I don't see "love" there, I see angry JUDGEMENT!
I would always stay on her to get her stuff done... not knowing that my wife would never back me up or even ask her to get her stuff done. Didn't matter what limits were set... mom would let her blow through them.
And you allowed that to happen!
Homework? Tomorrow. Room clean? Go visit your boyfriend first. Put your phone away for the night (11:00)? As long as Dad doesn't know.
Why didn't dad know?
So over time I've been the bad cop. Not really knowing my partner in marriage wasn't trying to do the same thing. And my relationship with my daughter has suffered for it. If my wife could have said in the beginning "yeah... I don't agree with any of the sh!t you want" I'd at least understand what i was working with.
I think you did KNOW - but you jut didn't care enough about your own kids to HELP them follow the rules, etc.
On top of this my wife does her fair share of lying (omission, redirecting, flat out lying), and manipulation (me, kids).
All because you LET IT HAPPEN! No wonder your kids don't "listen" to you - they have NO reason to respect you!
I just feel so much resentment.
I'd try feeling some kind of RESPONSIBILITY towards my kids.