Help!! Family not accepting :( - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 26 (permalink) Old 06-14-2016, 08:04 PM
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Re: Help!! Family not accepting :(

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Hey everybody,

I'm pretty stressed out and need some advice.

My girlfriend of six months just told me she's pregnant. I know it's mine but I am getting it confirmed next week. She is an excellent woman and I am sure we'll raise a healthy loving child together...but here lies my stress:

1) I'm 27 and she'd 40. Not sure what issues we'll face. I honestly didn't think it could happen. I used to be very reckless and simply thought my swim couldn't swim. I'm not ready to be a dad but I could do it. I am more depressed then excited. Our relationship is good for the most-part.

2) I got divorced two years ago. She wants to get married so I can use my work benefits on her and the kid. That sounds fair but I don't want to get married again. She'd sign a prenup if necessary and we could just skip the ceremony. All seems plausible in theory, but the thought of having dependents bothers me. And I said I would be there for her, so now I have to either back down on my word or man up. I am a pretty selfish guy but maybe this is an opportunity for me to grow?

3) My family is furious. They think she is just a random ***** and that makes me mad. Makes it tough to communicate with them. When my ex-wife left two years ago I kept the house. I am nearly done with the renovations and plan to sell it. They've been helping me out with the renovation costs but I will pay them back in full when I sell the house. I was planning to downsize anyways, but my biggest issue is talking to my parents. All they want me to do is leave and get out asap.

Probably the most hurtful thing was when my sister found out today and said this: "I hope the miserable **** falls down the stairs and gets a miscarriage."

I just don't know how to deal with this sort of negativity. I want nothing to do with my old family when they act like this.

I am so bombarded with hate that I am having trouble making up my mind if I should stay or go. At this point I feel powerless, and almost careless. It's just life, isn't it? I also feel like this situation will split up my family and I don't want that.

And lastly, their perspective of the world is no narrow, cold and unbending. They still do not accept my worldviews!!
DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE GET MARRIED.

Live together, be a couple.

But with a 40yr old woman, she is being irresponsible even for a cougar.
Sad to say but part of the "attraction" is likely to be your virility AND those work benefits tying you down would guarantee her.

At 40 she should have better idea about the world and when she hits menopause 10 years later, or at the latest when the child is leaving the nest, she will walking "wanting her freedom" from being mother/wife etc. And take half your life with her.
Very likely you will end up doing the childcare "if you really care about your children" or "are a good dad".

Getting married or legally de facto will make life much harder for everyone.

And if she is 40, and DOESN'T know things them she is VERY irresponsible, and you should be even more cautious.

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post #17 of 26 (permalink) Old 06-14-2016, 08:13 PM
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Re: Help!! Family not accepting :(

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It's possible but I highly doubt it. She is a great person and I know many people who know her that can back that up, but thanks for sharing the possibility.
If you didn't think that way, you probably wouldn't be in this dilemma.

Sadly for those who do trap people, establishing that trust and image is exactly their system.

We can't tell because we don't know her, but the honesty and cummulated real life experience on this site can serve as a warning to dangers of such things that you really do need to listen to.

Getting married is a legal thing more permanent than getting a tattoo...even if its annulled or divorced that person has a claim on you for the rest of your life, and you have to deal with commitments and lawyer payments that you can never get back.

While that might seem manageable while you're young, mostly healthy, and are used to having support from family and peers.

Once you're married that changes as time and connections are lost and your time and resources are consumed by your family.

Are you expected/expecting to support her as well as the child? Remember you get nothing but "happy memories" from doing that for them. While they get all the benefit without the pressure to provide the resources. And you must shoulder the blame if things go bad.

One very difficult part is that being inexperienced you will have difficulty being at least equal in the partnership, even if you are expected to be the provider. This might seem ok, if you're used to having a "mum" look after you, but you will need to have your own life and power, if you're to develop as a person. (this is regardless of gender in the inequality of partners)
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post #18 of 26 (permalink) Old 06-14-2016, 08:24 PM
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Re: Help!! Family not accepting :(

You know about the curve?

OK LADDIES, TIME TO WATCH NETFLIX, GO ON...

When a woman hits 35 her value on the single market is in rapid decline, she has all but lost her fertility, and her only remaining asset in the single market (aesthetics,) well, she isn't getting prettier by the day.

Meanwhile, a man at 35 is becoming more financially stable, secure, responsible, and should be starting to enjoy the fruits of his labor, building a better world around him.

You sir, have yet to hit your prime, and she has expired.

Some day, when women half your wife's age will be pursuing you for what you can offer a relationship, most notably how you can enable them and build their future... By that time you are going to be maintaining your old ladies health.

I know it sounds crass, and misogynistic of me to point this out, but SHES GOT HER EYES ON YOUR BENNIES BRUH, women are much smarter than we think.


The Ashton and Demi Graphic
You are Ashton Kutcher she is Demi Moore, 2003 is 2016 and today is 8 years later.

We all know how that turned out.


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Last edited by foolscotton3; 06-14-2016 at 08:43 PM.
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post #19 of 26 (permalink) Old 06-14-2016, 09:14 PM
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Re: Help!! Family not accepting :(

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I don't plan on getting legally married and that said, I would make her sign an agreement before she moved in with me first so she couldn't take. She is very cool though, she'd never do that.

I have no problem with the age gap. I went into this knowing, but I am little overwhelmed by my family's reaction. They are so secluded in their own world it seems. They didn't treat my ex good, but she was different and in a way deserved it. Absolutely, there is something wrong, there is some really displaced energy there.

They've only met her once. Lol.
Well that is very strange that your family is reacting so horribly when they've only met her once. What your sister said is beyond the pale. Why is she calling her these viscous names if she barely knows her?

Regarding the age difference - yeah things like that didn't matter to me when I was your age either. But as you both get older, it may start to make a bigger difference than you'd think. But since you're not planning to marry, you can cross that bridge if you come to it.

You're probably still in shock with this whole situation, but I think you'll adjust and be really really happy to have the kid in due time.

1. Sounds like your relationship with your family was precarious already so that's sad, but not really such a big loss.

2. Once you hold that little bundle of joy in your arms - ok, once it's 2 or 3 years old and can toddle around and say and do cute things, you'll be so happy to have it regardless of the anxiety you feel right now, and regardless of your relationship with the mother.

3. Why do you not want to marry? Are you just not ready or do you "thinks she's great" but "not the one" for you? If you think she's not the one, I would also think hard about whether or not you should even live together. Once you are living together you are kind of "stuck" because you're "together" and can't shop around for the love of your life, but you're not committed. If you live together now then split apart in a few years, that's probably harder on the baby too than never living together.

Regardless, you'll figure it out.

I think in the long run this will be a blessing for both of you and a great thing. Just give yourself a little time to adjust to the idea. And I'm really sorry about your family but they are what they are. You might as well face it now.
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post #20 of 26 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 12:16 AM
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Re: Help!! Family not accepting :(

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women are much smarter than we think.
I prefer "logically immanent" or "practical"
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post #21 of 26 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 04:25 AM
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Re: Help!! Family not accepting :(

"but I wish I had some support and respect for my choices instead of being insulted by everyone I love."

Let's see: you talked your girlfriend into not using birth control because (presumably) you're selfish
you don't want to start a family even though you lied to her and said you did
you don't want to be in the 'dad' category even though there's one on the way
you don't want to marry
you want your space

Just what are people suppose to support or respect?
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post #22 of 26 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 07:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Help!! Family not accepting :(

Neither Blondilocks! I am looking for advice from people who have been in a similar situation. It really is sad that so many people misuse others. I guess I should have known better on a marriage forum haha.

I am not getting married folks, don't worry about that ha ha.. I will not repeat the same mistake. I've made it clear to her. I will not support her either.

Everyday I get closer to leaning towards the option of living alone but raising the kid with her, every odd day/week or however we work it out. I refuse to get the government involved and have them make me pay child support. And if I decide in time to live with her, she's already agreed to sign a legally binding document so that she couldn't leave with half of my crap after 6 months or w/e.

And as far as that comment goes about security and stability as a man ages, pfft. I could care less if I am poor my whole life dude. **** the system. As Devito said; "When I'm dead just throw me in the trash".

That's what makes me think I am not suitable to be a parent. I am young, naive, and I am quite a cruel person. I am a nihilist who does not support humanity as a whole so believe you me, I am trying really hard to find that silver lining here.
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post #23 of 26 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 08:02 PM
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Re: Help!! Family not accepting :(

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Originally Posted by pragmaster View Post
Neither Blondilocks! I am looking for advice from people who have been in a similar situation. It really is sad that so many people misuse others. I guess I should have known better on a marriage forum haha.

I am not getting married folks, don't worry about that ha ha.. I will not repeat the same mistake. I've made it clear to her. I will not support her either.

Everyday I get closer to leaning towards the option of living alone but raising the kid with her, every odd day/week or however we work it out. I refuse to get the government involved and have them make me pay child support. And if I decide in time to live with her, she's already agreed to sign a legally binding document so that she couldn't leave with half of my crap after 6 months or w/e.

And as far as that comment goes about security and stability as a man ages, pfft. I could care less if I am poor my whole life dude. **** the system. As Devito said; "When I'm dead just throw me in the trash".

That's what makes me think I am not suitable to be a parent. I am young, naive, and I am quite a cruel person. I am a nihilist who does not support humanity as a whole so believe you me, I am trying really hard to find that silver lining here.
"I am a nihilist". WTF does that even mean? Ok, i get the "no government" thing, but you have dramatically altered HER life with your gold medal swimmers. You knocked her up, now pay up and do not let the rest of us taxpayers pay for your poor decision.

BTW, how many crap shoots did you do to decide your swimmers were lazy? 2, 5, 200? News for you. They can swim pretty darn good if the right woman comes along.

Do not be the ****head that just throws a few bucks to the mom and says "have a good life". You owe her to take custody the full 50% time so she can also have life. You owe for half of ALL the kid's expenses. You also owe her for the medical costs related to pregnancy and childbirth. You need to work on the financials of insurance for BOTH of you. If you have low cost employer health insurance, do not just expect her to get her own at much higher cost. The costs should be split evenly, not just saying each gets their own coverage. You may have to pay part of her coverage too so that you each pay the same fair amount. You can cover the kid on your employer coverage. You work, right?

Ok, so what are you going to do while she is pregnant and cannot work? You have obligation to support some expenses, because in late stage she might not be physically able to work. You are going to drive her to the doctor for baby checkups, right?

Say good-bye to nihilism and welcome to the world of responsible fatherhood.
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post #24 of 26 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 08:14 PM
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Re: Help!! Family not accepting :(

@foolscotton3 I will agree with the chart, but WTH is a bennie? She was not already pregnant (by some other guy) and looking to land him for benefits and support. He loaded his gun, spun the cylinder and took and shot. And it fired. In fact, it was his idea to take the shot.

I see no trapping. If he wore a condom, this thread would not be needed. In fact SHE is now trapped by HIM in pregnancy (don't go there about getting out of it).
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post #25 of 26 (permalink) Old 06-15-2016, 10:47 PM
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Re: Help!! Family not accepting :(

I never said she trapped him. Lol

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post #26 of 26 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 01:13 PM
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Re: Help!! Family not accepting :(

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She is very cool though, she'd never do that.
Famous last words.
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