Help!! Family not accepting :( - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 26 (permalink) Old 06-14-2016, 03:05 PM Thread Starter
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Help!! Family not accepting :(

Hey everybody,

I'm pretty stressed out and need some advice.

My girlfriend of six months just told me she's pregnant. I know it's mine but I am getting it confirmed next week. She is an excellent woman and I am sure we'll raise a healthy loving child together...but here lies my stress:

1) I'm 27 and she'd 40. Not sure what issues we'll face. I honestly didn't think it could happen. I used to be very reckless and simply thought my swim couldn't swim. I'm not ready to be a dad but I could do it. I am more depressed then excited. Our relationship is good for the most-part.

2) I got divorced two years ago. She wants to get married so I can use my work benefits on her and the kid. That sounds fair but I don't want to get married again. She'd sign a prenup if necessary and we could just skip the ceremony. All seems plausible in theory, but the thought of having dependents bothers me. And I said I would be there for her, so now I have to either back down on my word or man up. I am a pretty selfish guy but maybe this is an opportunity for me to grow?

3) My family is furious. They think she is just a random ***** and that makes me mad. Makes it tough to communicate with them. When my ex-wife left two years ago I kept the house. I am nearly done with the renovations and plan to sell it. They've been helping me out with the renovation costs but I will pay them back in full when I sell the house. I was planning to downsize anyways, but my biggest issue is talking to my parents. All they want me to do is leave and get out asap.

Probably the most hurtful thing was when my sister found out today and said this: "I hope the miserable **** falls down the stairs and gets a miscarriage."

I just don't know how to deal with this sort of negativity. I want nothing to do with my old family when they act like this.

I am so bombarded with hate that I am having trouble making up my mind if I should stay or go. At this point I feel powerless, and almost careless. It's just life, isn't it? I also feel like this situation will split up my family and I don't want that.

And lastly, their perspective of the world is no narrow, cold and unbending. They still do not accept my worldviews!!

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post #2 of 26 (permalink) Old 06-14-2016, 03:12 PM
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Re: Help!! Family not accepting :(

Definitely do NOT get married, I'm sorry but if you're already checking the DNA, and your family hates her and she's pushing marriage for bennies only, you may have been seriously played for your support and paycheck. Of course I don't know your relationship but the age difference (old woman, naive young guy), fact that she has other dependents she wants you to pay and care for is very concerning. She's all but said I only want your bennies and don't give a flip about the actual marriage.

I fear you've been proper trapped. Other than that just pay child support and move on assuming the child is yours if you can't make it work with her without marriage.

Last edited by knobcreek; 06-14-2016 at 03:44 PM.
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post #3 of 26 (permalink) Old 06-14-2016, 03:26 PM
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Re: Help!! Family not accepting :(

I don't think I would marry her. As for benefits, I would pony up for child support and that would include money to help pay for insurance. I would not get married for benefits alone.

You do sound very selfish and hopefully this will help you grow up and into a more rewarding life than one you can have just doing whatever you please, but I still would not marry for any reason other than love and wanting to be married. Especially not to someone 13 years older.

Why does your family hate this woman so much? You say she is a great woman, but their hatred seems visceral. Do they see something about her that you don't/won't see? How did they treat your first wife?

Regardless, that child is yours too. If they don't open their hearts for that reason alone, I think there is something very wrong with your family and I would tell them they will never speak to you of anyone you are seeing that way again if they want you in their lives.
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post #4 of 26 (permalink) Old 06-14-2016, 03:30 PM
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Re: Help!! Family not accepting :(

Do not rush into marriage for the sake of benefits.
You are correct in that you should only marry for love.
Do you live with your parents now?

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post #5 of 26 (permalink) Old 06-14-2016, 03:39 PM
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Re: Help!! Family not accepting :(

I would be very suspicious of her motives. She's 40 not married and seemingly is only concerned about digging into your pocket for your health benefits. DON'T marry her. If you did she'll probably end up using the kid to get even more out of you. I'd also suggest that you should wisen up and date women your own age. What are you doing with 40 year old's

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post #6 of 26 (permalink) Old 06-14-2016, 04:12 PM
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Re: Help!! Family not accepting :(

Don't rush marriage for the wrong reasons.
You say you don't want to get married again so don't marry her.
You can still provide for the child without marrying.

Why don't they like her?
Is it the age difference or is there more to the story?
I think In the end you now have a child to think about.
Hopefully your family will come around and be accepting of the baby at least...they are completely innocent in all this no matter what they think of the mother.



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post #7 of 26 (permalink) Old 06-14-2016, 04:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Help!! Family not accepting :(

It's possible but I highly doubt it. She is a great person and I know many people who know her that can back that up, but thanks for sharing the possibility.
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post #8 of 26 (permalink) Old 06-14-2016, 04:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Help!! Family not accepting :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by WorkingWife View Post
I don't think I would marry her. As for benefits, I would pony up for child support and that would include money to help pay for insurance. I would not get married for benefits alone.

You do sound very selfish and hopefully this will help you grow up and into a more rewarding life than one you can have just doing whatever you please, but I still would not marry for any reason other than love and wanting to be married. Especially not to someone 13 years older.

Why does your family hate this woman so much? You say she is a great woman, but their hatred seems visceral. Do they see something about her that you don't/won't see? How did they treat your first wife?

Regardless, that child is yours too. If they don't open their hearts for that reason alone, I think there is something very wrong with your family and I would tell them they will never speak to you of anyone you are seeing that way again if they want you in their lives.
I don't plan on getting legally married and that said, I would make her sign an agreement before she moved in with me first so she couldn't take. She is very cool though, she'd never do that.

I have no problem with the age gap. I went into this knowing, but I am little overwhelmed by my family's reaction. They are so secluded in their own world it seems. They didn't treat my ex good, but she was different and in a way deserved it. Absolutely, there is something wrong, there is some really displaced energy there.

They've only met her once. Lol.
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post #9 of 26 (permalink) Old 06-14-2016, 04:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Help!! Family not accepting :(

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I would be very suspicious of her motives. She's 40 not married and seemingly is only concerned about digging into your pocket for your health benefits. DON'T marry her. If you did she'll probably end up using the kid to get even more out of you. I'd also suggest that you should wisen up and date women your own age. What are you doing with 40 year old's
I go with the flow of love my friend. I haven't had the fortunate of meeting many women my age I like. I'm very okay with the gap.
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post #10 of 26 (permalink) Old 06-14-2016, 04:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Help!! Family not accepting :(

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Don't rush marriage for the wrong reasons.
You say you don't want to get married again so don't marry her.
You can still provide for the child without marrying.

Why don't they like her?
Is it the age difference or is there more to the story?
I think In the end you now have a child to think about.
Hopefully your family will come around and be accepting of the baby at least...they are completely innocent in all this no matter what they think of the mother.

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I am leaning towards this. I couldn't just walk away from her and evade the courts, but the thought has crossed my mind. I'm not a bad guy. I just don't want to self-sabotage my life, my family's and in turn hers. She's always wanted a baby and so excited. I want to live alone, but only because I'm that strange introvert that needs his own space.

We don't live together presently. I have my own place and she lives with her grandma.

What is worse is it tearing apart some of my friendships fast too. Everyone points the figure at me, and yeah I accept
responsibility, but I wish I had some support and respect for my choices instead of being insulted by everyone I love.

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post #11 of 26 (permalink) Old 06-14-2016, 05:42 PM
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Re: Help!! Family not accepting :(

I never married my son's mother. We split home when he was 2 because we thought it would be better than splitting home later in his life. He knows no other way and has a wonderful childhood.

His mother and I never once stepped into court, we never dealt with family courts over custody. I see my son just about every day for 2 weeks straight, then I only see him for an hour or so a day for a week because of my work schedule rotation.

I feel that I get plenty of time with him, his mother feels the same.

We split all his expenses, or at least try to, sometimes that isn't possible. We find ways of working out the financials.

I happen to be responsible for all his extra curricular activities, she takes responsibility for his curricular activities. That way we aren't tracking bills constantly and can focus on his welfare.

You can do this man, I know it seems scary, we were 22 when my son was born, both in college. It becomes second nature, well, to be fair, it is nature.

Having a child isn't going to make life a struggle, unless your child has some major health issues.

Now... that that is out of the way.

Under no circumstance should you consider marrying this woman, ever.
Not for love, not for family, and certainly not for convenience. Marriage offers absolutely no benefit to you or your child.

I married a 41yr old woman when I was 31. We knew each other for 6 months. She pushed marriage hard, I didn't feel right and neither did my family. It lasted 1.5 years, and the divorce will no doubt last longer than the marriage (well over a year already) I've spent more trying to rid my life of her than I have spent on my son's medical expenses over 11 years of his life (including his birth).

I could have bought her a house with the money I spent trying to keep her from taking mine.

And we have no children together.

Talk to an attorney about your rights, don't expect a fight, but be prepared for one.

The worst that could happen now is you split custody and pay 17% max of your gross in child support.

If you get married, I guarantee it will be worse.

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post #12 of 26 (permalink) Old 06-14-2016, 06:03 PM
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Re: Help!! Family not accepting :(

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Originally Posted by pragmaster View Post
I am leaning towards this. I couldn't just walk away from her and evade the courts, but the thought has crossed my mind. I'm not a bad guy. I just don't want to self-sabotage my life, my family's and in turn hers. She's always wanted a baby and so excited. I want to live alone, but only because I'm that strange introvert that needs his own space.



We don't live together presently. I have my own place and she lives with her grandma.



What is worse is it tearing apart some of my friendships fast too. Everyone points the figure at me, and yeah I accept

responsibility, but I wish I had some support and respect for my choices instead of being insulted by everyone I love.


Well I think you do need to talk to a lawyer and know what your rights are as the father.
She obviously wants to marry and you don't...so now what. You say no and you guys stay together? Break up?

Like it had been posted you can figure out how to co parent and make your child the center of the world. But you do need to know your rights in case she gets really peeved you want to live a solitary life without her in the same house.

I think your friends and family will come around. They are acting in the moment. Have you spelled it out that no..you aren't going to marry this girl to them?
They probably are scared that you have gotten yourself in what could be a nasty situation if she gets angry about you not marrying.



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post #13 of 26 (permalink) Old 06-14-2016, 06:18 PM
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Re: Help!! Family not accepting :(

A 40yr old woman living with her grandmother probably hasn't made the wisest decisions in life. I would give absolutely no credence to her want of marriage.

At 40 years old she isn't going to make up for lost time to live out her dream purpose, and it's far to late for her to learn self discipline.

Now, if she is staying with Grandma because grandma is no longer able to live independently, that might be another story. However, the fact she got pregnant within 6 months to a guy 13 years younger, and now wants to marry, I am guessing this woman is in survival mode, grandma is taking her in because granddaughter isn't capable of being independent.

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post #14 of 26 (permalink) Old 06-14-2016, 06:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Help!! Family not accepting :(

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A 40yr old woman living with her grandmother probably hasn't made the wisest decisions in life. I would give absolutely no credence to her want of marriage.

At 40 years old she isn't going to make up for lost time to live out her dream purpose, and it's far to late for her to learn self discipline.

Now, if she is staying with Grandma because grandma is no longer able to live independently, that might be another story. However, the fact she got pregnant within 6 months to a guy 13 years younger, and now wants to marry, I am guessing this woman is in survival mode, grandma is taking her in because granddaughter isn't capable of being independent.

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You make a great point but I can assure you she is a sweetheart with no ill intention. It's ENTIRELY my fault for pushing the unprotected sex on her, she was very protective to start. I also promised her I'd start a family with her and now that this is all happening I am retracting that statement. It's never happened before. It's not that I am not willing to start a loving family with her, it's that I am pissed off I am lumped into the "dads" category. I almost don't want to be a dad because of that label, if that makes sense.

She is taking care of her grandmother because she loves her grandma. Lol. She works a job, but her struggle in "independence" is due to spending 10 years travelling the world, and so basically she came back and is working her way back up the ladder. I'm fine with that. I don't judge people on their past.

I think my biggest problem is I am still in people pleaser mode. I want the majority of people involved to be happy because I think that will make me happy in turn, although that is far from true.
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post #15 of 26 (permalink) Old 06-14-2016, 07:49 PM
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Re: Help!! Family not accepting :(

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her struggle in "independence" is due to spending 10 years travelling the world, and so basically she came back and is working her way back up the ladder. I'm fine with that. I don't judge people on their past.
That's a red flag, I assume she was traveling alone. Unfortunately you got a hold of her after she hit the wall. What's her credit look like? You marry into that as well and I'm guessing like my post wall ex who spent her prime traveling the world, she has no plan for retirement, unless marrying a betabux provider is her retirement plan.

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I think my biggest problem is I am still in people pleaser mode. I want the majority of people involved to be happy because I think that will make me happy in turn, although that is far from true.
That's the key to resentment, not happiness, bruh. You give way to many fux. Quit sacrificing your needs for the wants of others. You will be happy when you make yourself happy by doing what you want.

Marriage, nah, why don't you travel the world instead

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Last edited by foolscotton3; 06-16-2016 at 05:09 AM.
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