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post #16 of 53 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 10:58 AM
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Re: HATE my stepkid

I have a brother who is mentally ill.
He has a tendency for violence when he's not on his meds.
He takes about 5 different tablets & gets a monthly injection.
He will always have to take these medications.
He has recovered well & has to avoid alcohol at all times.
I understand what you're going through believe me & I really hope things get better for everyone in the situation.

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post #17 of 53 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 10:59 AM
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Re: HATE my stepkid

If this boy is under the care of two therapists (which doesn't make sense) do you know what his diagnosis is?

Whether his problem is a result of Reactive Attachment Disorder or psychopathy, if what you describe as his behavior is true and accurate, why the hell is this child not already placed in a residential treatment facility where he can be safely structured, safely medicated, safely schooled, and safely in therapy.

I'm very concerned about a gun in the home where this violent and unpredictable young man might accidentally find it! Even if you kept it locked in a gun safe, with that thing on the trigger that prevented it from firing, it would be almost useless to you in an emergency because by the time you got it out and unlocked and loaded, it would probably be too late to save your wife. Furthermore, if she isn't to know you have a gun in the house, she obviously couldn't use it to save herself should you be absent.

If you are in this much fear for your safety or your wife's safety, this child belongs in a facility. Period. End of story. Adding a gun to this scenario is ineffective at best and downright deadly and
dangerous for everyone involved at worst.

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post #18 of 53 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 10:59 AM
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Re: HATE my stepkid

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Originally Posted by Nix2 View Post
Younger son isn't violent and aggressive, but he is also estranged from us. He won't talk to us either.

My W and her ex-H, the kids' dad, had a very high conflict divorce which included a lengthy, expensive court case which almost bankrupted Dad, and Dad made sure the kids understood that Mom was the cause.
Hmm.

I'm just going to ask...

Any infidelity involved?

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post #19 of 53 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 11:04 AM
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Re: HATE my stepkid

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Yes he has mental health diagnoses. He has medication. He doesn't take it. He refuses and his father won't/can't make him.
Talk to the department of social services in your state and ask them how to best ensure the step son is safe, as well as those who live with the step son. If the other son is in fear for his safety, DSS could potentially step in and enforce mental health treatment for the violent brother OR move the younger one out of the unsafe environment.

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post #20 of 53 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 11:05 AM
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Re: HATE my stepkid

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Hmm.

I'm just going to ask...

Any infidelity involved?


What the hell has that got to do with this thread?

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry


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post #21 of 53 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 11:09 AM
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Re: HATE my stepkid

When he attacked your wife and injured her, why wasn't the police called?
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post #22 of 53 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 11:10 AM
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Re: HATE my stepkid

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What the hell has that got to do with this thread?
The answer might have given a bit of insight into the relationship dynamic that existed between OP's wife and her ex just prior to the divorce, and therefore how the children perceive Mom.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #23 of 53 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 11:11 AM
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Re: HATE my stepkid

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When he attacked your wife and injured her, why wasn't the police called?
*cough* Mom is an enabler!

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #24 of 53 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 11:11 AM
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Re: HATE my stepkid

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My stepson is a horrible person and I hate his guts.... I had a good relationship with him until this spring when I argued for him to be psychicatrically hospitalized due to acting out behaviors. His sibling called my W and me begging for our help because idiot stepson was beating up their father. We did the only thing we could do living apart from them, we called the police. As a result he was hospitalized.

He cannot accept any responsibility or accountability for his actions, which include strangling his mother (my W), beating up his father and terrifying his brother to the point where he barricaded his room with every piece of furniture he could find in order to prevent this piece of crap teenager from barging in and wreaking havoc.

My W and her ex made excuses for him in his younger years as he has his good points as well but he has always been disturbed. He has been in therapy pretty much consistently since the age of 10 and it has made no difference. My W says that he was flagged by his preschool as being in need of help at the age of 3 when he wouldn't follow directions there. The pattern has continued. Something as simple as asking why a certain homework assignment isn't done can set him off into a fit of rage, Either that, or he dissolves into tears and a panic attack (he has anxiety). He is truly dangerous. He could easily kill someone with his bare hands.

He needs help. He has received, and is currently receiving, help. He has two therapists! But he isn't open to it, will not talk to anyone and wants to live in fantasyland where everything is provided to him and he doesn't have to lift a finger in effort. His grades suck, he has no goal in life. He and his brother both live with their father who enforces no discipline, is the quintessential beta male. My jerk stepson is the alpha in the household.

He's already attacked my wife and injured her in the past. I have told my W that until this situation improves considerably he is not welcome in our home, because I do not trust that he won't become violent again. At 6'5" and 250 pounds he is very strong. (I am a woman by the way, and a small one at that. I'd need a weapon to subdue him.)

EDIT: My W has had premonitions that this child will murder her one day. Knowing this, there is no way in hell I am going to give him the opportunity. The only thing I can do is bar him from our home, from overnight stays (which were commonplace until this year due to their ages). He strangled her when he was 15 and caused an eye injury. On one occasion within the last year we were shopping with him and he casually put his arm around my W's shoulder and said "I could wrap my hands around your neck and strangle you until you are dead." He is a SICK puppy.
Okay... So I want to get the facts straight. 1 You are a lesbian couple, so no one is going to discipline this 6'+ 200+lb guy. He has assaulted your W, and strangled her. What did you do about that? He has assaulted his dad; what did the dad do about that?

I want to point out that you were, in your own words, on good terms with him after HE STRANGLED YOUR WIFE.

The kids were abused you say. How?

Your whole family needs counseling. And some sort of plan for defending yourselves needs to be implemented.

Do you hear the people sing / Lost in the valley of the night?
It is the music of a people / Who are climbing to the light.
For the wretched of the earth / There is a flame that never dies.
Even the darkest night will end / And the sun will rise...
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post #25 of 53 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 11:14 AM
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Re: HATE my stepkid

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Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
The answer might have given a bit of insight into the relationship dynamic that existed between OP's wife and her ex just prior to the divorce, and therefore how the children perceive Mom.
Yup, I agree but the knowledge won't alter what's happening now or what needs to happen soon.


"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry


"Vaginas are tricky creatures." ~Lucy999
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post #26 of 53 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 11:16 AM Thread Starter
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Re: HATE my stepkid

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Originally Posted by Anon Pink View Post
If this boy is under the care of two therapists (which doesn't make sense) do you know what his diagnosis is?

Whether his problem is a result of Reactive Attachment Disorder or psychopathy, if what you describe as his behavior is true and accurate, why the hell is this child not already placed in a residential treatment facility where he can be safely structured, safely medicated, safely schooled, and safely in therapy.

I'm very concerned about a gun in the home where this violent and unpredictable young man might accidentally find it! Even if you kept it locked in a gun safe, with that thing on the trigger that prevented it from firing, it would be almost useless to you in an emergency because by the time you got it out and unlocked and loaded, it would probably be too late to save your wife. Furthermore, if she isn't to know you have a gun in the house, she obviously couldn't use it to save herself should you be absent.

If you are in this much fear for your safety or your wife's safety, this child belongs in a facility. Period. End of story. Adding a gun to this scenario is ineffective at best and downright deadly and
dangerous for everyone involved at worst.
And I can see this argument as well. I think the best solution is for my stepson NOT to come to our home. Up to this point he has not become violent in public and if he does, obviously we would have access to help from others in the area.

In a WORST case situation if someone's life was at stake, a table lamp to the skull or even if necessary, God forbid, a butcher knife would do an effective job.

But the best case scenario is to grant SS's desire for no contact. My W doesn't want to accept this. With that said she knows he is dangerous (though she doesn't want to admit the degree yet) and I think she will not fight too hard against my boundary that any contact with him happen in a public place.

Since SS lives with Dad, the professionals who have encountered us so far tend to weight his opinion over that of my W. As the stepparent I have no say, really. My W has been painted as a hysteric who is exaggerating my SS's behavior. Dad is in denial, rugsweeps everything and says that SS is "fine" as long as he has no contact with my W.

Meanwhile, we have spoken to SS's therapists (one is for IC, the other is a psychiatrist for med management). SS is not compliant with his meds. The IC refuses to tell us anything and the psych says she cannot get through to him, that he is disrespectful, curses her out and that he is making no progress. She says he has no insight into his behavior and prefers to blame others, primarily my W.

So we can't really do anything. Dad wants him off meds and out of therapy and honestly believes his only problem is my W.
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post #27 of 53 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 11:17 AM Thread Starter
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Re: HATE my stepkid

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Originally Posted by soccermom2three View Post
When he attacked your wife and injured her, why wasn't the police called?
You're right. It was a mistake. I wanted to have him arrested immediately. I had the phone in my hand to call 911. The younger son was hysterical and my W asked me to wait, and I did as she asked. In retrospect, I should have made the call.
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post #28 of 53 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 11:20 AM
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Re: HATE my stepkid

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Yup, I agree but the knowledge won't alter what's happening now or what needs to happen soon.
It might give an impartial 3rd party a bit of added insight that could assist in terms of offering advice on how to repair the strained relationship w/ the children, especially the younger one.

If, for example, Dad is telling the kids, "She chose her girlfriend over us!", there may be specific ways for OP's wife to demonstrate loyalty to her children (especially the younger one) in such a way that it diffuses Dad's BS.

Bottom line? I didn't ask out of petty voyeuristic curiosity.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #29 of 53 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 11:22 AM
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Re: HATE my stepkid

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And I can see this argument as well. I think the best solution is for my stepson NOT to come to our home. Up to this point he has not become violent in public and if he does, obviously we would have access to help from others in the area.

In a WORST case situation if someone's life was at stake, a table lamp to the skull or even if necessary, God forbid, a butcher knife would do an effective job.

But the best case scenario is to grant SS's desire for no contact. My W doesn't want to accept this. With that said she knows he is dangerous (though she doesn't want to admit the degree yet) and I think she will not fight too hard against my boundary that any contact with him happen in a public place.

Since SS lives with Dad, the professionals who have encountered us so far tend to weight his opinion over that of my W. As the stepparent I have no say, really. My W has been painted as a hysteric who is exaggerating my SS's behavior. Dad is in denial, rugsweeps everything and says that SS is "fine" as long as he has no contact with my W.

Meanwhile, we have spoken to SS's therapists (one is for IC, the other is a psychiatrist for med management). SS is not compliant with his meds. The IC refuses to tell us anything and the psych says she cannot get through to him, that he is disrespectful, curses her out and that he is making no progress. She says he has no insight into his behavior and prefers to blame others, primarily my W.

So we can't really do anything. Dad wants him off meds and out of therapy and honestly believes his only problem is my W.
You've got to be within arm's reach for either of those approaches to work, and that's a dangerous place to be.

And neither may be sufficient to stop him before he's able to strangle someone else.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #30 of 53 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 11:26 AM
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Re: HATE my stepkid

The paradox of Munchausen by Proxy is that to disprove it, the suspected parent must remove herself from the child's life entirely and wait for the symptoms to reappear without her presence.

It is a very unfortunate side effect of an acrimonious divorce that the children will be severely affected. The parent who blows the whistle on the symptoms the children show as a result of being affected by the acrimonious divorce, is the de facto hysterical parent. And the parent who claims all is well is the de facto enabling parent.

I am sorry for what you and your wife and her children are going through.

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