HATE my stepkid - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 53 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 09:06 AM Thread Starter
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HATE my stepkid

My stepson is a horrible person and I hate his guts. It is awful to feel this way about a child, but there it is. He is 15, soon to be 16, and the size of an NFL linebacker. He uses his size to intimidate and bully others, always has. I have been in his life since he turned 13. I had a good relationship with him until this spring when I argued for him to be psychicatrically hospitalized due to acting out behaviors. His sibling called my W and me begging for our help because idiot stepson was beating up their father. We did the only thing we could do living apart from them, we called the police. As a result he was hospitalized.

He blames others for his actions, will not take any accountability. I am now the devil along with my W who has been the devil for years in his eyes. He hasn't spoken to me since April. He cannot accept any responsibility or accountability for his actions, which include strangling his mother (my W), beating up his father and terrifying his brother to the point where he barricaded his room with every piece of furniture he could find in order to prevent this piece of crap teenager from barging in and wreaking havoc.

My W and her ex made excuses for him in his younger years as he has his good points as well but he has always been disturbed. He has been in therapy pretty much consistently since the age of 10 and it has made no difference. My W says that he was flagged by his preschool as being in need of help at the age of 3 when he wouldn't follow directions there. The pattern has continued. Something as simple as asking why a certain homework assignment isn't done can set him off into a fit of rage, Either that, or he dissolves into tears and a panic attack (he has anxiety). He is truly dangerous. He could easily kill someone with his bare hands.

He needs help. He has received, and is currently receiving, help. He has two therapists! But he isn't open to it, will not talk to anyone and wants to live in fantasyland where everything is provided to him and he doesn't have to lift a finger in effort. His grades suck, he has no goal in life. He and his brother both live with their father who enforces no discipline, is the quintessential beta male. My jerk stepson is the alpha in the household.

I love the kid despite my rage at how he is acting/is being enabled to act by his wimp of a father. And of course I am open to anything which may improve the situation. But I am more clear eyed about it than my W because he isn't mine. He is a time bomb. He's already attacked my wife and injured her in the past. I have told my W that until this situation improves considerably he is not welcome in our home, because I do not trust that he won't become violent again. At 6'5" and 250 pounds he is very strong. (I am a woman by the way, and a small one at that. I'd need a weapon to subdue him.)

EDIT: My W has had premonitions that this child will murder her one day. Knowing this, there is no way in hell I am going to give him the opportunity. The only thing I can do is bar him from our home, from overnight stays (which were commonplace until this year due to their ages). He strangled her when he was 15 and caused an eye injury. On one occasion within the last year we were shopping with him and he casually put his arm around my W's shoulder and said "I could wrap my hands around your neck and strangle you until you are dead." He is a SICK puppy.


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post #2 of 53 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 09:34 AM
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Re: HATE my stepkid

You did the correct thing by addressing his behaviour & seeking help.

One day when's he's older he'll thank you & his mother/father

Please remember that he's still a child & is unwell, many children with anger issues are often hated etc but a kind thought (empathy) or gesture (showing compassion) into understanding them will go a long way.

Be patient (I know that's easier said that done!) but remember you're dealing with a young person who's going through a difficult time.




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post #3 of 53 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 10:22 AM
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Re: HATE my stepkid

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Originally Posted by Nix2 View Post
My stepson is a horrible person and I hate his guts. It is awful to feel this way about a child, but there it is. He is 15, soon to be 16, and the size of an NFL linebacker. He uses his size to intimidate and bully others, always has. I have been in his life since he turned 13. I had a good relationship with him until this spring when I argued for him to be psychicatrically hospitalized due to acting out behaviors. His sibling called my W and me begging for our help because idiot stepson was beating up their father. We did the only thing we could do living apart from them, we called the police. As a result he was hospitalized.

He blames others for his actions, will not take any accountability. I am now the devil along with my W who has been the devil for years in his eyes. He hasn't spoken to me since April. He cannot accept any responsibility or accountability for his actions, which include strangling his mother (my W), beating up his father and terrifying his brother to the point where he barricaded his room with every piece of furniture he could find in order to prevent this piece of crap teenager from barging in and wreaking havoc.

My W and her ex made excuses for him in his younger years as he has his good points as well but he has always been disturbed. He has been in therapy pretty much consistently since the age of 10 and it has made no difference. My W says that he was flagged by his preschool as being in need of help at the age of 3 when he wouldn't follow directions there. The pattern has continued, he is an entitled, spoiled brat who has now grown to a size where his behavior it not just annoying, it is truly dangerous. He could easily kill someone with his bare hands.

He needs help. He has received, and is currently receiving, help. He has two therapists! But he isn't open to it, will not talk to anyone and wants to live in fantasyland where everything is provided to him and he doesn't have to lift a finger in effort. His grades suck, he has no goal in life. He and his brother both live with their father who enforces no discipline, is the quintessential beta male. My jerk stepson is the alpha in the household.

I love the kid despite my rage at how he is acting/is being enabled to act by his wimp of a father. And of course I am open to anything which may improve the situation. But I am more clear eyed about it than my W because he isn't mine. He is a time bomb. He's already attacked my wife and injured her in the past. I have told my W that until this situation improves considerably he is not welcome in our home, because I do not trust that he won't become violent again. At 6'5" and 250 pounds he is very strong. (I am a woman by the way, and a small one at that. I'd need a weapon to subdue him.)

EDIT: My W has had premonitions that this child will murder her one day. Knowing this, there is no way in hell I am going to give him the opportunity. The only thing I can do is bar him from our home, from overnight stays (which were commonplace until this year due to their ages). He strangled her when he was 15 and caused an eye injury. On one occasion within the last year we were shopping with him and he casually put his arm around my W's shoulder and said "I could wrap my hands around your neck and strangle you until you are dead." He is a SICK puppy.
Do you have one?

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #4 of 53 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 10:22 AM Thread Starter
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Re: HATE my stepkid

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Originally Posted by MrsAldi View Post
You did the correct thing by addressing his behaviour & seeking help.

One day when's he's older he'll thank you & his mother/father

Please remember that he's still a child & is unwell, many children with anger issues are often hated etc but a kind thought (empathy) or gesture (showing compassion) into understanding them will go a long way.

Be patient (I know that's easier said that done!) but remember you're dealing with a young person who's going through a difficult time.




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I would agree with you totally, but the kid is violent.
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post #5 of 53 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 10:23 AM Thread Starter
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Re: HATE my stepkid

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Do you have one?
No firearms.
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post #6 of 53 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 10:29 AM
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Re: HATE my stepkid

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No firearms.
You may want to seriously consider getting one. If you do, I'd advise you not to tell your nascent, hulking sociopath of a stepson -- and maybe not even your wife -- that you have one, at least not until you've pulled it out in order to use it.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #7 of 53 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 10:33 AM
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Re: HATE my stepkid

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I would agree with you totally, but the kid is violent.
I'm terribly sorry you're in this situation.
Sometimes a condition like for example, Schizophrenia, may cause violence.
This can be addressed with certain kinds of medicines, depending on his diagnosed disorder.

Please remember that it's the disorder making the violence & they can be unaware & not even realise what they're are doing.

Getting angry at this child will entice more violence on his end.

Is he still in hospital?
Has he been diagnosed with anything yet?

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post #8 of 53 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 10:37 AM Thread Starter
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Re: HATE my stepkid

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You may want to seriously consider getting one. If you do, I'd advise you not to tell your nascent, hulking sociopath of a stepson -- and maybe not even your wife -- that you have one, at least not until you've pulled it out in order to use it.
I have considered it. My state does have a concealed carry law on the books and my BIL is a 2A aficianado. He would be willing to teach me to shoot.

For general purposes of protection, but yes, also for this specific situation, I would like to learn how to safely handle a firearm for self-defense. And yes, I would keep it a secret.

I mentioned to my W after he strangled her last year that I was thinking of this and she was very upset to say the least. Which is understandable.
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post #9 of 53 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 10:40 AM Thread Starter
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Re: HATE my stepkid

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I'm terribly sorry you're in this situation.
Sometimes a condition like for example, Schizophrenia, may cause violence.
This can be addressed with certain kinds of medicines, depending on his diagnosed disorder.

Please remember that it's the disorder making the violence & they can be unaware & not even realise what they're are doing.

Getting angry at this child will entice more violence on his end.

Is he still in hospital?
Has he been diagnosed with anything yet?

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I understand what you are saying. For me it is not about getting angry, it is about enforcing consequences.

He needs to learn how to act in society without becoming violent. Walking on eggshells around a volatile, mentally ill teenager is the absolute worst thing to do IMHO.

He knows what he is doing. He is not delusional.

What happens when his first GF dumps him? Does he strangle her?

I honestly believe he is going to kill someone one day. It's just my mission to ensure that it isn't my W or me.

Yes he has mental health diagnoses. He has medication. He doesn't take it. He refuses and his father won't/can't make him.
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post #10 of 53 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 10:44 AM
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Re: HATE my stepkid

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I understand what you are saying. For me it is not about getting angry, it is about enforcing consequences.

He needs to learn how to act in society without becoming violent. Walking on eggshells around a volatile, mentally ill teenager is the absolute worst thing to do IMHO.

He knows what he is doing. He is not delusional.

What happens when his first GF dumps him? Does he strangle her?

I honestly believe he is going to kill someone one day. It's just my mission to ensure that it isn't my W or me.

Yes he has mental health diagnoses. He has medication. He doesn't take it. He refuses and his father won't/can't make him.
Then he needs to go back into care/hospital for a longer period of time.
He needs serious help.
What about the psychiatric emergency hold?
What this put into place?



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post #11 of 53 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 10:45 AM
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Re: HATE my stepkid

If he's as big as you say he is, you'd need at least a .40 cal (and, honestly, probably a .45) to stop him in his tracks.

And hollow points.

It really, really sucks that you have think about your stepson in such terms, but I guess it is what it is at this point.

After all, you're someone's child too. As is your wife.

And your other stepson.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #12 of 53 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 10:47 AM Thread Starter
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Re: HATE my stepkid

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If he's as big as you say he is, you'd need at least a .40 cal (and, honestly, probably a .45) to stop him in his tracks.

And hollow points.

It really, really sucks that you have think about your stepson in such terms, but I guess it is what it is at this point.

After all, you're someone's child too. As is your wife.

And your other stepson.
You are absolutely right. Thanks.

At the moment he is refusing to speak to us which is a blessing. My W, being the biological mother, of course keeps trying to "get through" to him. Tries to call. But he won't come to the phone.

As painful as it is for her, given the situation I think that is for the best.
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post #13 of 53 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 10:49 AM Thread Starter
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Re: HATE my stepkid

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Then he needs to go back into care/hospital for a longer period of time.
He needs serious help.
What about the psychiatric emergency hold?
What this put into place?



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By the time he got to the hospital, he was calmly explaining that my W overreacted. He was placed in a day program, not full hospitalization, and he hasn't spoken to us since he was released.

We are in the US. As we just saw with Orlando, around here things tend to be ignored until tragedy strikes.

I can easily see my SS doing something like that.

My SS lives with his dad who thinks that SS is "fine" as long as he doesn't see his mother, my W.
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post #14 of 53 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 10:53 AM
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Re: HATE my stepkid

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You are absolutely right. Thanks.

At the moment he is refusing to speak to us which is a blessing. My W, being the biological mother, of course keeps trying to "get through" to him. Tries to call. But he won't come to the phone.

As painful as it is for her, given the situation I think that is for the best.
I'd agree.

Hopefully he'll continue to refuse to take her calls.

Best case is he'll "snap out of it" at some point, and will stop being a d**che that uses his size to intimidate others.

Worst case... well, there are tons of worst case scenarios, and unfortunately one of them will likely come to pass at some point. Hell, there's always someone bigger, and if he doesn't change his ways, he may very well wind up running afoul of someone's 6'10" 350 lb cousin.

Have you considered having your younger stepson stay w/ you? Is that a possibility?

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #15 of 53 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 10:57 AM Thread Starter
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Re: HATE my stepkid

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I'd agree.

Hopefully he'll continue to refuse to take her calls.

Best case is he'll "snap out of it" at some point, and will stop being a d**che that uses his size to intimidate others.

Worst case... well, there are tons of worst case scenarios, and unfortunately one of them will likely come to pass at some point. Hell, there's always someone bigger, and if he doesn't change his ways, he may very well wind up running afoul of someone's 6'10" 350 lb cousin.

Have you considered having your younger stepson stay w/ you? Is that a possibility?
Younger son isn't violent and aggressive, but he is also estranged from us. He won't talk to us either.

My W and her ex-H, the kids' dad, had a very high conflict divorce which included a lengthy, expensive court case which almost bankrupted Dad, and Dad made sure the kids understood that Mom was the cause.
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