Husband wants brother to live with us for a year - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 08:00 PM Thread Starter
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Husband wants brother to live with us for a year

Hello,

This is my first time on this forum. I've been lurking for years though.

I could use some advice about this situation.

My husband and I have been married for almost 8 years and we have three children, ages 7, 5 and 5 months.

My husband is from another country and while we share the same country of origin, I was born and raised in the US. I've never been to my ancestral home.

My husband is the only member of his family here. My parents live in another state and my siblings are scattered all over. I've never met my in laws.

My husband has decided to bring his younger brother to the states. And by younger, I mean he's 30 years old. My husband is planning to bring him here in August.

I asked DH where will his brother be living and he said with us. I asked for how long and he tells me a year. I say absolutely not. Mind you, he never discussed any of this with me and just assumed this would be the situation.

It's been a point of contention and every time he brings up the topic, I state my position that he should find his brother a place to stay. I don't believe in housing grown ups and for me, my house is my sanctuary. We've had people living with us during the first two years of our marriage and both scenarios did NOT end well.

When DH was single, he had an open door policy. I tried to accommodate that but I quickly learned that this is just not for me. I understand parents (whether mind of his) coming to visit for a few months but anyone outside that category is a no go for me.

My husband has told me that I'm being selfish and I'm really very hurt by this. I feel that as his wife he should at least consult me on my thoughts and not just impose situations on me. This is my house too and I just don't want anyone living with us besides our children, of course.

I need some advice because my husband dismisses my wishes every time we discuss it and I'm at the point of where I feel the need to draw the line. In general, he's very nonchalant about my wishes and I've gotten to the point where I feel enough is enough. I've already told him that if his brother shows up here, I'm leaving.

Thoughts???

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post #2 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 08:16 PM
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Re: Husband wants brother to live with us for a year

You're not being selfish. I wouldn't allow someone to live in my house long term either.

You have another option though. Instead of refusing to house his brother at all, you could consent to him staying there for 2-4 weeks. Which will give them time to find his brother a suitable place to live. That said, if he's going to be here in August, you could just tell your husband that he needs to find his brother alternate housing by the time he arrives.

You're threat to leave if his brother shows up seems a bit out of place though. Makes me think your marriage is experiencing a good deal of trouble in other areas?

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post #3 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 08:22 PM
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Re: Husband wants brother to live with us for a year

I only read the title. NO.
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post #4 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 08:31 PM Thread Starter
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You're not being selfish. I wouldn't allow someone to live in my house long term either.

You have another option thought. Instead of refusing to house his brother at all, you could consent to him staying there for 2-4 weeks. Which will give them time to find his brother a suitable place to live. That said, if he's going to be here in August, you could just tell your husband that he needs to find his brother alternate housing by the time he arrives.

You're threat to leave if his brother shows up seems a bit out of place though. Makes me think your marriage is experiencing a good deal of trouble in other areas?
Yes, our marriage has been rocky, to say the least. I find it very frustrating trying to communicate with my husband. He's either walking away from me when I'm talking or completely ignoring my wishes. It used to lead to some major blowout arguments. Back then, I would react poorly to his behavior. I've gone to counseling and learned how to deal with it better.

I just feel like after 8 years of marriage, I don't want this to become an unnecessary issue.

Honestly, it would take me leaving for him to take me seriously. I hate that it has to get to that point but prior experience has taught me that sometimes that's the only way to get through to him.
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post #5 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 08:31 PM Thread Starter
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I only read the title. NO.
lol... Thanks, I agree!
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post #6 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 08:39 PM
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Re: Husband wants brother to live with us for a year

Nope.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #7 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 08:58 PM
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My parents did this when i was very little. I did not turn out good. Dad's brother made my mom afraid.
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post #8 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 09:05 PM
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Re: Husband wants brother to live with us for a year

There are enough stressors in marriage with 3 kids, without having another family member in the house. Just talk to him when you've calmed down, and you're able to rationally outline the reasons why it's not a good idea (not enough space, kids will bother him, he will make the kids nervous, it's not normal for a grown man to live with his brothers family, our sex life will go down the toilet, we will fight the whole time and you will take his side), then suggest a few solutions, like a few postings on your local craigslist or with your local real estate broker, so you can have him pass the torch to his brother in terms of finding accommodations and being responsible for himself. Also make it clear his brother is welcome to come spend time with the family and come over for dinners etc. if that works for you and him. That way he knows you're not blanket rejecting his family member, you just don't want him living with you.
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post #9 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 09:10 PM Thread Starter
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There are enough stressors in marriage with 3 kids, without having another family member in the house. Just talk to him when you've calmed down, and you're able to rationally outline the reasons why it's not a good idea (not enough space, kids will bother him, he will make the kids nervous, it's not normal for a grown man to live with his brothers family, our sex life will go down the toilet, we will fight the whole time and you will take his side), then suggest a few solutions, like a few postings on your local craigslist or with your local real estate broker, so you can have him pass the torch to his brother in terms of finding accommodations and being responsible for himself. Also make it clear his brother is welcome to come spend time with the family and come over for dinners etc. if that works for you and him. That way he knows you're not blanket rejecting his family member, you just don't want him living with you.
Thanks, these are great suggestions. I'm going to try this!
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post #10 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 09:16 PM
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Re: Husband wants brother to live with us for a year

The answer is it depends...

Is he planning to work? Go to college?

Is he and your brother close?

Do you have a large house?

Do you have disposable income?

What are the exit conditions? Is he going back or ???

Outright I would say no as well but these are the questions you need to have answered... depending on which country you're from it is not uncommon.

But with the information you gave so far it's a no.

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post #11 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 09:59 PM
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Re: Husband wants brother to live with us for a year

BIG, BIG, No.

I wouldn't even offer to do temporary. I had one of my H's family members living with us. It was supposed to be temporary.....it wasn't. It was for almost 2 years. During that time, I got completely left out & mistreated. My H took the other persons side in all things. I was the cook, the mom, & the maid.

NEVER AGAIN. No, please no. Save yourself the heartache & the betrayal you will feel.
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post #12 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-16-2016, 10:08 PM
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Re: Husband wants brother to live with us for a year

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Originally Posted by smarry10 View Post
Yes, our marriage has been rocky, to say the least. I find it very frustrating trying to communicate with my husband. He's either walking away from me when I'm talking or completely ignoring my wishes. It used to lead to some major blowout arguments. Back then, I would react poorly to his behavior. I've gone to counseling and learned how to deal with it better.

I just feel like after 8 years of marriage, I don't want this to become an unnecessary issue.

Honestly, it would take me leaving for him to take me seriously. I hate that it has to get to that point but prior experience has taught me that sometimes that's the only way to get through to him.
Ok, so he doesn't respect your opinion or thoughts. Has your husband been to counseling with you? Do you often find yourself philosophically at odds with your husband?

I can only assume that your love life isn't very active? I can't imagine inviting a total stranger to live in the house for a year and it being otherwise.

And yes, as another poster pointed out, if you allow him to stay for even a short duration, there is a risk that it will turn into years. Especially since your husband doesn't listen to you, and is uncooperative. You'll have to evict his brother all by yourself, while your husband fights to keep him there. Which will not end well. It is probably best to just deny him entrance altogether.

- Good people, do good things. Bad people, do bad things. End of story. -

- The problem with unproductive people, is that they tend to be the most reproductive people. -

Last edited by BioFury; 06-16-2016 at 10:12 PM.
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post #13 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-17-2016, 12:01 AM
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Re: Husband wants brother to live with us for a year

You have 3 kids and one of them is 5 months old. Hell, no.
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post #14 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-17-2016, 02:54 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by john117 View Post
The answer is it depends...

Is he planning to work? Go to college?

Is he and your brother close?

Do you have a large house?

Do you have disposable income?

What are the exit conditions? Is he going back or ???

Outright I would say no as well but these are the questions you need to have answered... depending on which country you're from it is not uncommon.

But with the information you gave so far it's a no.
My H has no plan for how or when his brother will get a job. I'm a SAHM.

In our culture, closeness is not required. It's more of some ideological duty. However, I didn't sign up to be a part of any of this and I resent that my H didn't bother to ask me if it was okay.

Yes, we have a large house.

No, we don't have disposable income which is why I'm against this idea. I manage the finances and it's a stretch as it is. I don't need another stressor on our finances.

There are no exit conditions. It's just figure it out as we go along. Yet another reason why I don't want this. Not even on a temporary basis.
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post #15 of 30 (permalink) Old 06-17-2016, 02:55 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by Síocháin View Post
BIG, BIG, No.

I wouldn't even offer to do temporary. I had one of my H's family members living with us. It was supposed to be temporary.....it wasn't. It was for almost 2 years. During that time, I got completely left out & mistreated. My H took the other persons side in all things. I was the cook, the mom, & the maid.

NEVER AGAIN. No, please no. Save yourself the heartache & the betrayal you will feel.
Yeah, this is what I don't want. In our culture, there are expectations from women. But of course, most of them have help there. I don't.
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