Help.... - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 12:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Help....

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Originally Posted by Hope1964 View Post
Yes she should, but it sounds to me like you're letting your resentment towards her cloud your feelings about your husbands kids and what's really best for them. Yes she's being a selfish b!tch, but again, your husband spending time with his kids shouldn't be something he feels he has to do on the down-low. And I think he feels that way because of your attitude.

At the end of the day (GOD I hate that expression, don't you?) if neither you nor their dad nor their mom WANT the kids around, where does that leave them? How are they going to feel? Every kid should be made to feel wanted and loved, and I just can't see that happening in this situation.
If all five of our combined children were born to H and I and he and I wanted a night out, we would make arrangements for a sitter.

In the event my step children were with us for a weekend and H and I had something we had/wanted to attend, we also, would arrange to have someone sit with the kids while we attended. We wouldn't go and drop the kids back off with her while we did what we had to do. We respect her alone time, and I feel she needs to respect ours.

The kids know when they will and won't be with us. We've talked to them and asked what THEY felt about the arrangements and the kids are happy.

So I just feel that on the weekends when H's ex has the kids and she feels she needs time away, then SHE should make arrangements as we would.

Whatever the case. We have agreed to having the kids every Friday for the summer, from early morning til after dinner which gives H's ex and her mother more time to do whatever it is they want to do or nothing at all.

Edited to add: ^^ I'm not a completely heartless *****.

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post #17 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 12:54 PM
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Re: Help....

I'm with Hope on this one...

I get the impression that your husband would like to have the kids more, but is accommodating your desires for alone time and avoiding the conflict of having to renegotiate the schedule with you since you are firm on the every other weekend.

He may have stated he was happy with the current schedule (which may actually mean he's happy that he doesn't have the kids less...it may not mean he doesn't want them more often).

Have you asked him if he'd like the kids more often? Would you support him in having them more if that is what he desires?
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post #18 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 01:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Help....

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Originally Posted by sdrawkcab View Post
I'm with Hope on this one...

I get the impression that your husband would like to have the kids more, but is accommodating your desires for alone time and avoiding the conflict of having to renegotiate the schedule with you since you are firm on the every other weekend.

He may have stated he was happy with the current schedule (which may actually mean he's happy that he doesn't have the kids less...it may not mean he doesn't want them more often).

Have you asked him if he'd like the kids more often? Would you support him in having them more if that is what he desires?
Regardless of what his ex and her mom want, he has stated that he would like to have them more, now that school is out and yes, I have honored that request. We will have them every Friday, work schedules allowing. This was his request. I didn't intervene in any way, shape or form. I told him to tell me what he'd like, to tell me what would make HIM happy. That's what he came back with, I respected it and it's happening.

I'm sure it doesn't matter but I'll put it out there anyway. I have always been open and honest from the very beginning of our relationship to H regarding my wants/needs in a relationship, which regarded regular alone time with him. He always assured me that it wasn't a problem and that he could/would accommodate.
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post #19 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 02:00 PM
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Re: Help....

It sounds like it does matter...for you and for him...

Having the children more often does not preclude alone time. It just takes an open mind and understanding that you need to foster your marriage and having enough alone time to nurture your relationship.

Often people (especially us in remarriages) hang onto this guilt and think nurturing the marriage is at the expense of the kids...which, IMO is a huge lie we tell ourselves.

Kids like stability which includes emotional stability. A marriage needs at least 15 hours of undivided attention per week between the partners to maintain that.

I hope you and your husband can figure out the right balance for each other and all of the kids involved.
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post #20 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 02:29 PM
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Re: Help....

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Originally Posted by LadybugMomma View Post
I think if H and I had 'ordinary' ex's, things would be a lot easier. Both our ex's are self centered and manipulative. H has told me many times that if his ex had her way he would be at her beck and call regarding anything (car repairs, money, kids etc.) For instance, she once told H that he had to take the kids every weekend because she was "involved with someone and trying to make the relationship work." Well, hello, H and I are, too. Another example, she once told H that her Grandma was dying, going into Hospice and she needed to be with her, so he want to get the kids for the weekend. He later found out that she went to the casino that weekend!

I agree that if the kids were all ours w/no ex's involved and we needed a night out, we would have to make plans for a sitter. I feel H's ex should do the same. She should make her personal plans for when the kids are in our care. H and I have missed out on a lot of events/invites/parties, because it's our time with all the kids. We don't make couples type plans when it's a family weekend. We could attend every invite we get and use the same excuses she does and bring the kids home early etc, but we don't, we respect 'her time', she should respect our time. H's ex is the type person where you give an inch, she takes a mile. My ex is the same way.

H's ex is a spoiled brat who lives with her mom and sadly takes full advantage of her. Mom though, has created this monster because she allows it. So, with that, I feel that there has to be a line drawn in all situations. There was really no agreement set in their divorce but that there is agreed upon, 'reasonable visitation' based on work schedules, activities, etc.

I think the biggest issue I have is when H communicates with me for more time...but says that it's because ex and her mom want this/that. Frankly, I don't much care for what they want/need. Their personal wants/needs aren't my concern, nor should it be my H's.

Whatever the case, H and I talked and he made it clear that despite what his ex and her mother want, he wants more time with the kids now that school is out and together we are arranging it. No more lies. *Hopefully*
I took every advantage of my ex "dumping" my daughter on me early on. So much so, that I started offering ahead of time. Little things like 'Hey did you hear about this thing coming up? I can take DD for that weekend.' Then I documented every extra minute. Every time I covered down for a doctor's appointment. Didn't matter in DD's eyes. She saw me taking care of her. In court it got me primary physical and legal custody with an 80/20 tilt on parenting time. Almost a full reversal of my starting point.

I kept all interactions about my daughter though. 'My car needs... ' was answered with, "That's unfortunate."
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post #21 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 02:48 PM
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Re: Help....

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Originally Posted by LadybugMomma View Post
I have children of my own. I'm not new to this parenting thing. I know what it's like to never have time to yourself. All I'm saying is that I don't feel H and I shouldn't HAVE to give up every single weekend because his EX is "trying to make a life" or wants to go to the casino or whatever her wishes are. She's a mom as well and she too should know that her alone time is few and far between.
What does it say on the divorce agreement, that he gets the kids every other weekend? You should make H's X stick to that. If she wants you and your H to have them more than that, you should be able to charge her for that. Just doing whatever she says to do is not fair to you or your daughter and your H should fight for that.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #22 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 02:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Help....

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Originally Posted by sdrawkcab View Post
It sounds like it does matter...for you and for him...

Having the children more often does not preclude alone time. It just takes an open mind and understanding that you need to foster your marriage and having enough alone time to nurture your relationship.

Often people (especially us in remarriages) hang onto this guilt and think nurturing the marriage is at the expense of the kids...which, IMO is a huge lie we tell ourselves.

Kids like stability which includes emotional stability. A marriage needs at least 15 hours of undivided attention per week between the partners to maintain that.

I hope you and your husband can figure out the right balance for each other and all of the kids involved.
And this is why I say I stand firm on the every other weekend schedule! When my step kids are at our home, we focus our attention strictly to family. Family meaning, H and I and all our children. H will not go anywhere nor do anything alone while his kids are with us. It's his (our) time with them and I don't expect him to give up that time for me. He works and I work. Sometimes he has to stay later at his job and that cuts into the possibilities of together time. Plus, I have kids of my own that I still tend to as well. I want to do things with them too as H wants to do things with his. If we spent every weekend tending to kids...when would we ever make time for ourselves? So, is it wrong for me to want/need every other weekend that frees up H completely so he and I can have alone time to keep our marriage intact?
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post #23 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 03:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Help....

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Originally Posted by Malpheous View Post
I took every advantage of my ex "dumping" my daughter on me early on. So much so, that I started offering ahead of time. Little things like 'Hey did you hear about this thing coming up? I can take DD for that weekend.' Then I documented every extra minute. Every time I covered down for a doctor's appointment. Didn't matter in DD's eyes. She saw me taking care of her. In court it got me primary physical and legal custody with an 80/20 tilt on parenting time. Almost a full reversal of my starting point.

I kept all interactions about my daughter though. 'My car needs... ' was answered with, "That's unfortunate."
If my H ever decided that he wanted to file for full custody of his kids, I would support him. Yes, they would be in our care full time then and in that case we would arrange for a sitter (like normal people do) for times when we took alone time.

I often asked why he felt he had to do the things (not pertaining to his kids) that his ex requested of him and he said it was "for the kids." H has finally stopped feeling the need to help his ex with anything else that doesn't pertain to his kids. It took a bit but he has.
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post #24 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 03:11 PM
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Re: Help....

Quote:
Originally Posted by sdrawkcab View Post
It sounds like it does matter...for you and for him...

Having the children more often does not preclude alone time. It just takes an open mind and understanding that you need to foster your marriage and having enough alone time to nurture your relationship.

Often people (especially us in remarriages) hang onto this guilt and think nurturing the marriage is at the expense of the kids...which, IMO is a huge lie we tell ourselves.

Kids like stability which includes emotional stability. A marriage needs at least 15 hours of undivided attention per week between the partners to maintain that.

I hope you and your husband can figure out the right balance for each other and all of the kids involved.
OP- you chose to highlight and focus in on something I said to support your position of only having his kids every other weekend. However, you did not seem to see your part in having an open mind in how you can accomplish alone time with kids present.

You seem stuck in your position and failing to consider the interests of all involved (you, your husband, and your kids)...

you may find your husband feeling more and more isolated if he's having to choose between you and his kids.
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post #25 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 03:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Help....

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Originally Posted by jb02157 View Post
What does it say on the divorce agreement, that he gets the kids every other weekend? You should make H's X stick to that. If she wants you and your H to have them more than that, you should be able to charge her for that. Just doing whatever she says to do is not fair to you or your daughter and your H should fight for that.
There is no visitation agreement in their divorce. It only states that there be "reasonable visitation," and parents are to come up with a schedule based on circumstances, work schedules etc.

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post #26 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 03:30 PM
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Re: Help....

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There is no visitation agreement in their divorce. It only states that there be "reasonable visitation," and parents are to come up with a schedule based on circumstances, work schedules etc.
Doggone, that's too bad. But reasonable visitation could be taken to mean that every weekend is too much and that she should share in that time more than she is now. If your H is going to agree with her on that and keep taking the his whenever his ex says to do it, that doesn't do you any good either. I think you're going to have to get tough with him eventually to make his ex do her share. Your daughter shouldn't have to share her room with one of his son's.

"I've paid double for every transgression I've ever made and that motel and that boat are little to ask for"
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post #27 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 03:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Help....

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Originally Posted by sdrawkcab View Post
OP- you chose to highlight and focus in on something I said to support your position of only having his kids every other weekend. However, you did not seem to see your part in having an open mind in how you can accomplish alone time with kids present.

You seem stuck in your position and failing to consider the interests of all involved (you, your husband, and your kids)...

you may find your husband feeling more and more isolated if he's having to choose between you and his kids.
And I have said in another post that H has told me that he wants more time with his kids (this was over the weekend) and I have honored that request. I told him to decide what he wanted and would make him happy. He opted to have them every Friday (and over to our house some nights during the week for dinner). That still frees up every other weekend, he gets his time, we get our time, my daughter doesn't have to share her room every weekend, it's giving his ex and her mom more time that they are requesting. I'm hopeful this will work.
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post #28 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 03:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Help....

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Originally Posted by sdrawkcab View Post
OP- you chose to highlight and focus in on something I said to support your position of only having his kids every other weekend. However, you did not seem to see your part in having an open mind in how you can accomplish alone time with kids present.

You seem stuck in your position and failing to consider the interests of all involved (you, your husband, and your kids)...

you may find your husband feeling more and more isolated if he's having to choose between you and his kids.
And I said too that H isn't open to having alone time (understandable) when his kids when they are with us. He sees it as his (our) time and I respect that. So there isn't anyway to arrange alone time when his kids are with us.
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post #29 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 03:58 PM
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Re: Help....

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Originally Posted by sdrawkcab View Post
you may find your husband feeling more and more isolated if he's having to choose between you and his kids.
This is exactly what I see the problem as. Sure it would be nice for everyone if the ex didn't try to pawn the kids off on you, but she is, and it's THE KIDS who might SAY they're fine with it, but really have no clue about your 'alone time' with their dad. In fact they probably see you as competition for his time more than anything else, with the attitude you have about it all and the fact he feels he has to sneak around to see them.

I am not saying that you're wrong here. I am not saying that you shouldn't address this with the ex wife. All I am saying is that, for the short term, you might want to reconsider the hard stance you've taken in the interest of your husband and his kids.
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post #30 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 03:59 PM
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Re: Help....

OP-

I'm sorry I've come across harshly...I see a lot of myself in this situation...

I share custody of my kids with their dad. My current husband and I have quite a bit of alone time together! Yet there have been several times where my husband has lamented about how my kids take so much of my time when they are with us or implied how their presence has "cramped his style" with regard to our alone time... often I would feel very conflict avoidant with my husband regarding my kids...and feeling somewhat isolated...thankfully we took the time to REALLY talk this out....

It has been a huge evolution for us.

I can't fully speak for my husband, but for me it was removing any post-divorce guilt that said I had to spend every moment with my kids while they are with me, but rather being open to creating a family dynamic that can balance us all.

We recently went through some growing pains when we obtained 60% custody. While it was only 10% more- it did require us to be more intentional at times and give us permission to make time for ourselves when we need it...that means that sometimes a sitter would be needed or perhaps sleepovers at a friend's house.
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