Help.... - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 04:37 PM
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Re: Help....

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Originally Posted by LadybugMomma View Post
So, is it wrong for me to want/need every other weekend that frees up H completely so he and I can have alone time to keep our marriage intact?
This is such an odd concept to me, I guess because I'm not divorced, and we waited 10 years to have our daughter, and once she came, our lives revolved around her. Today, she's the most level headed, secure person because she grew up knowing 100% that she was the most important thing in our lives.

And we kept our marriage intact while still raising her. We never got time away from her except one week a year when she stayed with my mom in the summer.

And like I said, that's what babysitters are for. You want 'together' time? Get a babysitter and go out! But don't kick the kids out for the whole weekend.

That said, I do understand the desire to have time alone with your own kids vs the step kids. I guess it's never an easy decision.


Last edited by turnera; 06-29-2016 at 04:55 PM.
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post #32 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 04:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Help....

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Originally Posted by Hope1964 View Post
This is exactly what I see the problem as. Sure it would be nice for everyone if the ex didn't try to pawn the kids off on you, but she is, and it's THE KIDS who might SAY they're fine with it, but really have no clue about your 'alone time' with their dad. In fact they probably see you as competition for his time more than anything else, with the attitude you have about it all and the fact he feels he has to sneak around to see them.

I am not saying that you're wrong here. I am not saying that you shouldn't address this with the ex wife. All I am saying is that, for the short term, you might want to reconsider the hard stance you've taken in the interest of your husband and his kids.
I understand everything you're saying and I see your point. We have come up with a new arrangement that gives H more time with his kids, his ex and her mom get more free time and my daughter doesn't have to give up her room every weekend. Hopefully this will work.
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post #33 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 05:01 PM
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Re: Help....

I hope so too

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
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post #34 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 05:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Help....

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Originally Posted by sdrawkcab View Post
OP-

I'm sorry I've come across harshly...I see a lot of myself in this situation...

I share custody of my kids with their dad. My current husband and I have quite a bit of alone time together! Yet there have been several times where my husband has lamented about how my kids take so much of my time when they are with us or implied how their presence has "cramped his style" with regard to our alone time... often I would feel very conflict avoidant with my husband regarding my kids...and feeling somewhat isolated...thankfully we took the time to REALLY talk this out....

It has been a huge evolution for us.

I can't fully speak for my husband, but for me it was removing any post-divorce guilt that said I had to spend every moment with my kids while they are with me, but rather being open to creating a family dynamic that can balance us all.

We recently went through some growing pains when we obtained 60% custody. While it was only 10% more- it did require us to be more intentional at times and give us permission to make time for ourselves when we need it...that means that sometimes a sitter would be needed or perhaps sleepovers at a friend's house.
Eh, no harm done. I know this is a situation where people feel one way or another on the topic. There isn't one specific way that works for every family. I can be very flexible, but I also have my boundaries. I understand this situation isn't just about me and my wants, but everyone's involved. I do know though that if H and I can't get AND keep it right....no one will have to worry about anything except healing the broken hearts of everyone involved, over another failed marriage. I don't want that.

Thanks for your input in the matter. It's not an easy task.
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post #35 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 05:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Help....

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Originally Posted by turnera2 View Post
This is such an odd concept to me, I guess because I'm not divorced, and we waited 10 years to have our daughter, and once she came, our lives revolved around her. Today, she's the most level headed, secure person because she grew up knowing 100% that she was the most important thing in our lives.

And we kept our marriage intact while still raising her. We never got time away from her except one week a year when she stayed with my mom in the summer.

And like I said, that's what babysitters are for. You want 'together' time? Get a babysitter and go out! But don't kick the kids out for the whole weekend.

That said, I do understand the desire to have time alone with your own kids vs the step kids. I guess it's never an easy decision.
It's not an easy decision. I've said it before and I'll say it again, that this has been the biggest challenge in my life ever. And H won't leave his kids ever in the weekend because it's his time with them and I understand that and respect that. If I took the stance with my kids that he does with his and devote all my time with my kids where/how would we make it work? My first marriage failed for many reasons, one being that we didn't really make time for each other but were (me mainly) so focused on our kids that we fell apart.

I'm not looking for you to answer or solve the situation...I'm just speaking out loud at this point. Thank you for your views on the topic.
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post #36 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 06:03 PM
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Re: Help....

If you read His Needs Her Needs, you'll learn that you need to spend 10 to 15 hours a week with your spouse, to stay in love. And of course the first thing people say is 'but we have kids! how can we ever accomplish that?!!'

I used to have a list - lost it on one of my computers - of things you can do to 'date' your spouse without investing a ton of time. Things like get up 15 minutes earlier than the kids and have a cup of coffee or tea together before you leave for work. Set up a jigsaw puzzle in the living room, and every time you have a spare 5 minutes, just sit down and work on it together. Start a veggie garden and, each night, go out and weed it and pick veggies together. Fold towels together. Wash the dog together. Fill out a crossword puzzle together. Have family game night each week. Walk the dog twice a week and just talk. Make sure you text or call each other at least twice a day. Join a babysitting co-op so you have a have one night a month free while the other nights you play with the kids over at your house.

Be creative. You can find ways to be close and together and even intimate, even with kids around.
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