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post #1 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-24-2016, 07:14 PM Thread Starter
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Help....

Over the 4 years H and I have been together he has lied about various things. I guess like nothing major, more so having to do with his ex-w, and her "telling" him when and how often he's getting his kids etc. He and I have talked, worked out together, a schedule that would work for us so we'd have alone time as well as family time. The schedule we agreed on isn't strict and we have the kids at times more than the schedule.

I've stressed over and over again, that I can not tolerate the lying and it all needed to stop.

I find out today that his ex told him that she wanted to him to get the kids earlier than usual today and that she wants him to have them every weekend and various days during the week.

H tells me last night that he's working today. 6am til 3 pm, then he's going to get his kids as usual. He texts me from work @ noon that he had to run a few towns over for a work matter then he'd text me when he was back in town. He CALLED me after the text told me the same thing. Then at 3 he texts me to say he was leaving work to go get the kids. Only at that time, he had been done working since noon and had gone and got his kids and drove around for a few hours before coming home. I found this out because his son, unknowingly told me the truth.

I'll admit, I have a very hard time with his kids. It has been a big struggle for me because they are so needy and mine are independent. I'm perfectly fine with them coming the every other weekend (with the exception of special events that we have them more, Father's Day, birthdays, family cook outs etc) and H goes during the week at least one time to see them.

We all, including his ex, agreed on and worked up this schedule. H and I have our every other night talks and this sometimes comes up as a topic to touch on and see if it's all still good and he says it is, he's perfectly happy with it. So why is he lying to me? If there's nothing I can't stand more and that's a liar.

His kids (11 & 9) share a bedroom w/my 14 year old daughter. This is all we have right now, because my house is so small that there are no other options. I feel badly as it is already that my daughter has to share her room and now he thinks, because his ex feels he needs to have the kids more.....that he needs to do it.

We've been planning to sell my house and buy a larger home together but now I'm not so sure I want to.

Help me.....what do I do? I know this is what I married into and I do accept his kids, but isn't there some sort of thing where he and I are married and we NEED alone time for ourselves?
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post #2 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-27-2016, 10:10 AM
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Re: Help....

He's dead wrong for lying. He should just tell you he's picking them up early.

Reading this thread, and one other you had posted, I think that maybe he'd like more time with his kids. But perhaps he feels he can't have that without being a little secretive about it.

No offense but my time between my daughter and I was laid out in a court room as an agreement between my ex, the court and I. Anyone else was and is secondary to that. My current wife has never been part of any agreements between my ex and I about time, or anything else I didn't ask her advise on. Her an I would communicate and then I would come to a decision about my child and work it out with my ex. At no time did my wife, previous girlfriends, etc, have any communication with my ex about when I would or would not be having time with her.

It is unfortunate that the children have to share a room together. But not as unfortunate as children not having their father's time for 50% of the time.

I applaud his ex for wanting for him to have more time with the children they share.

As parents we don't get alone time unless we have a sitter or creative scheduling like slumber parties, etc. Consider for a moment how you would get alone time vs parenting/family time if all the children were yours and his together with no ex's involved. I don't know about you, but before my divorce alone time meant we paid someone, dropped dd off at gram's or she was at a slumber party. Your husband is the father to those two children and not a sitter. His ex isn't a sitter either.
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post #3 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-27-2016, 01:49 PM
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Re: Help....

Why does he feel the need to lie? What did he say when you brought it up? It sounds like he is conflict avoidant - hence the driving around.

It's up to you, but I certainly can't condone putting up with a liar. He & his ex are dictating you and your daughter's lives. BTW, your daughter is a saint to put up with being invaded by two other kids (and this has been going on for 4 years?). Bet she can't wait 'til she graduates. Good thing her dad doesn't have a problem with it.
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post #4 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-27-2016, 02:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Help....

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He's dead wrong for lying. He should just tell you he's picking them up early.

Reading this thread, and one other you had posted, I think that maybe he'd like more time with his kids. But perhaps he feels he can't have that without being a little secretive about it.

No offense but my time between my daughter and I was laid out in a court room as an agreement between my ex, the court and I. Anyone else was and is secondary to that. My current wife has never been part of any agreements between my ex and I about time, or anything else I didn't ask her advise on. Her an I would communicate and then I would come to a decision about my child and work it out with my ex. At no time did my wife, previous girlfriends, etc, have any communication with my ex about when I would or would not be having time with her.

It is unfortunate that the children have to share a room together. But not as unfortunate as children not having their father's time for 50% of the time.

I applaud his ex for wanting for him to have more time with the children they share.

As parents we don't get alone time unless we have a sitter or creative scheduling like slumber parties, etc. Consider for a moment how you would get alone time vs parenting/family time if all the children were yours and his together with no ex's involved. I don't know about you, but before my divorce alone time meant we paid someone, dropped dd off at gram's or she was at a slumber party. Your husband is the father to those two children and not a sitter. His ex isn't a sitter either.
I think if H and I had 'ordinary' ex's, things would be a lot easier. Both our ex's are self centered and manipulative. H has told me many times that if his ex had her way he would be at her beck and call regarding anything (car repairs, money, kids etc.) For instance, she once told H that he had to take the kids every weekend because she was "involved with someone and trying to make the relationship work." Well, hello, H and I are, too. Another example, she once told H that her Grandma was dying, going into Hospice and she needed to be with her, so he want to get the kids for the weekend. He later found out that she went to the casino that weekend!

I agree that if the kids were all ours w/no ex's involved and we needed a night out, we would have to make plans for a sitter. I feel H's ex should do the same. She should make her personal plans for when the kids are in our care. H and I have missed out on a lot of events/invites/parties, because it's our time with all the kids. We don't make couples type plans when it's a family weekend. We could attend every invite we get and use the same excuses she does and bring the kids home early etc, but we don't, we respect 'her time', she should respect our time. H's ex is the type person where you give an inch, she takes a mile. My ex is the same way.

H's ex is a spoiled brat who lives with her mom and sadly takes full advantage of her. Mom though, has created this monster because she allows it. So, with that, I feel that there has to be a line drawn in all situations. There was really no agreement set in their divorce but that there is agreed upon, 'reasonable visitation' based on work schedules, activities, etc.

I think the biggest issue I have is when H communicates with me for more time...but says that it's because ex and her mom want this/that. Frankly, I don't much care for what they want/need. Their personal wants/needs aren't my concern, nor should it be my H's.

Whatever the case, H and I talked and he made it clear that despite what his ex and her mother want, he wants more time with the kids now that school is out and together we are arranging it. No more lies. *Hopefully*
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post #5 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-27-2016, 03:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Help....

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Originally Posted by Blondilocks View Post
Why does he feel the need to lie? What did he say when you brought it up? It sounds like he is conflict avoidant - hence the driving around.

It's up to you, but I certainly can't condone putting up with a liar. He & his ex are dictating you and your daughter's lives. BTW, your daughter is a saint to put up with being invaded by two other kids (and this has been going on for 4 years?). Bet she can't wait 'til she graduates. Good thing her dad doesn't have a problem with it.

Conflict avoider indeed!

I have brought this up to my H also, that while HIS concern is his kids well being (which I support), my concern is my kids well being. So, if he feels and agrees w/ his ex that his kids should be at our home every weekend, then HE needs to find other sleeping arrangements because I'm not making my daughter give up her room entirely.

We called a family meeting over the weekend and asked all kids how they felt about the current arrangements. Did anyone feel it's too much time, not enough time etc. H's kids said they were happy with the amount of time they have with their dad. My kids said they're happy with the amount of time everyone is together. Not too much, not too little. My daughter then spoke up and said "I'm getting older and I want my privacy. While I know we're working on that with selling this house, if I had to share my bedroom every weekend, I wouldn't be happy."

It's funny you say H and his ex are dictating mine and my daughters lives. My ex is SO much like H's ex that when she opens her mouth about what should happen, I instantly get mad! It brings up bad feelings of what I lived for 26 years and one of the reasons I divorced! Like I'm going to allow her to tell me what is going to happen.

As for my ex being okay with the arrangements, luckily he goes along with what I feel is acceptable for our kids. Sadly though, he doesn't come around much. Just recently he has designated Friday's as his day to spend with the kids. This day was initiated because my daughter flat out asked him why he doesn't come around.

So, anyway...I like that statement you made about my ex being good with it. I will bring that scenario to my H. Just as a 'what if.' I will bet though that H will say that he'd just take his kids and go someplace (hotel) and stay the weekend, if my ex had a problem with daughter sharing her room. And I'd be damned if I am footing a bill for weekend hotel stays solely because of what he and his ex want!
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post #6 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-27-2016, 03:23 PM
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Re: Help....

Why can't you split weekends? It isn't fair that his ex gets every weekend off and you have to be saddled with extra kids every weekend to where you can't have anything going on with just your kids. He needs to put his foot down - who is he married to, anyway?
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post #7 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-27-2016, 03:38 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Help....

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Why can't you split weekends? It isn't fair that his ex gets every weekend off and you have to be saddled with extra kids every weekend to where you can't have anything going on with just your kids. He needs to put his foot down - who is he married to, anyway?
I stand firm on H's kids coming every other weekend! I feel confident that H knows where I stand on this and is in agreement. His ex is pushing for it and I'm saying no! I've even told H if he has a problem saying no, them let me tell her! I get that he feels caught in the middle, and yes, it's about his kids...I get it, but it's coming from his ex!
I asked H this weekend who he's married to. He of course said he's married to me. So I told him that he needs to make it perfectly clear to his ex and her mother, that he stands beside me and our wants as a couple and then as a family.
My thought is if everyone in OUR household is happy and has everything they need and some of what they want....wth let anyone disrupt that?!
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post #8 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-27-2016, 04:42 PM
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Re: Help....

I feel sorry for the poor kids - sounds to me like their parents will now be arguing about who HAS to take care of them, rather who GETS to take care of them

I get where you're coming from, I really do - my daughter and her boyfriend have an 18 month old and he has two older kids from a previous relationship. His ex seems to want them to take the kids more than half the time, and more weekends. My daughter isn't thrilled with having to mother two extra high energy boys on top of her own, but she would NEVER think of telling their dad that he wasn't ALLOWED to take them. She knew the boys were a part of his life when they got together, and that's part of the deal. If it happens a bit more than she'd like, she's OK with that overall, because it's what's best for the KIDS.

Really, I think that if you aren't willing to look at it from that perspective, then you shouldn't be with someone who HAS kids.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #9 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-27-2016, 04:43 PM
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Re: Help....

As for the lying - well, he's doing that because HE wants to see his kids but YOU'RE telling him he can't. So he has to sneak around to do it. Sad, really.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #10 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-28-2016, 06:33 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Help....

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I feel sorry for the poor kids - sounds to me like their parents will now be arguing about who HAS to take care of them, rather who GETS to take care of them

I get where you're coming from, I really do - my daughter and her boyfriend have an 18 month old and he has two older kids from a previous relationship. His ex seems to want them to take the kids more than half the time, and more weekends. My daughter isn't thrilled with having to mother two extra high energy boys on top of her own, but she would NEVER think of telling their dad that he wasn't ALLOWED to take them. She knew the boys were a part of his life when they got together, and that's part of the deal. If it happens a bit more than she'd like, she's OK with that overall, because it's what's best for the KIDS.

Really, I think that if you aren't willing to look at it from that perspective, then you shouldn't be with someone who HAS kids.
Yes, I knew kids were all a part of the package as well as H knew that asking me to marry him, meant making time for us. If we spend every weekend with his kids here, that also means that we (as a couple) go nowhere or do anything alone. And the reason why is because he doesn't want to take time away from his kids. I totally get it AND respect it. So, that being the case, when is there time for him and I to do anything as a couple? To rekindle and keep our marriage alive?

I know first hand that if a marriage isn't maintained that it'll fall apart. If H and I can't get it right, then none of this matters anyway.
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post #11 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-28-2016, 06:34 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Help....

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As for the lying - well, he's doing that because HE wants to see his kids but YOU'RE telling him he can't. So he has to sneak around to do it. Sad, really.
I've never told him he can't see his kids.
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post #12 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-28-2016, 10:32 AM
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Re: Help....

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I totally get it AND respect it. So, that being the case, when is there time for him and I to do anything as a couple? To rekindle and keep our marriage alive?
That's what babysitters are for.
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post #13 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 09:50 AM
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Re: Help....

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I've never told him he can't see his kids.
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Maybe not in so many words, but he gets the picture, believe me.

You keep asking when you and he get to have time together. Well, news flash - people with kids don't GET a lot of time alone together. Ever. They have to plan for it and make arrangements to do it. That's just the way it is, and you're putting your husband in an impossible situation.

Like I said, I really don't think you should be with someone who has kids unless you're willing to take the entire package.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #14 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 11:08 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Help....

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Maybe not in so many words, but he gets the picture, believe me.

You keep asking when you and he get to have time together. Well, news flash - people with kids don't GET a lot of time alone together. Ever. They have to plan for it and make arrangements to do it. That's just the way it is, and you're putting your husband in an impossible situation.

Like I said, I really don't think you should be with someone who has kids unless you're willing to take the entire package.
I have children of my own. I'm not new to this parenting thing. I know what it's like to never have time to yourself. All I'm saying is that I don't feel H and I shouldn't HAVE to give up every single weekend because his EX is "trying to make a life" or wants to go to the casino or whatever her wishes are. She's a mom as well and she too should know that her alone time is few and far between.
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post #15 of 36 (permalink) Old 06-29-2016, 11:44 AM
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Re: Help....

Yes she should, but it sounds to me like you're letting your resentment towards her cloud your feelings about your husbands kids and what's really best for them. Yes she's being a selfish b!tch, but again, your husband spending time with his kids shouldn't be something he feels he has to do on the down-low. And I think he feels that way because of your attitude.

At the end of the day (GOD I hate that expression, don't you?) if neither you nor their dad nor their mom WANT the kids around, where does that leave them? How are they going to feel? Every kid should be made to feel wanted and loved, and I just can't see that happening in this situation.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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