Divorced, early 40s, male, no kids. Should I continue to wish for them?
Basically I am recently divorced. I have no children, and am somewhat exhausted by the demands of building relationships. After a period of real happiness, my marriage ended rather suddenly and badly with betrayal (hers, married OM), lies and recriminations. I have had a number of long term relationships, though the longest two were 5 and 8 years respectively. I am feeling at a crossroads. I have fantastic relations with my nieces and nephews, but am not sure about having my own children. Why? Negatives first:
1. The world does not seem to need any more. This week, today in fact, the world topped 7 billion people. This is set to rise, perhaps a lot. It is creating a lot of problems. Why should I contribute to this?
2. Over 40 the chances of having a child, even as a male, who is disabled or has mental health issues begins to climb fairly sharply.
3. I am very fit now, but how will I be in 20 years time? Does an older father mean a less fulfilling father?
4. The huge effort, energy, expense and risk. I am battered by betrayal and to some degree exhausted with the very idea of committed relationships. I have options, but am not inclined to take any of them on just now. I just feel... tired of it all and needing to just be quiet for awhile. I fear, to a degree, the massive disruption and demand that children will place upon myself and my resources. I would not be interested in being a father unless I could give 100% the best stability, security, effort and love.
5. The world is in a desperate mess and I have, in common with many others, great fears for its future. I am wondering whether it is right to introduce new persons to this mess.
1. Not having children is rather sad. It misses out, I feel on one of the core experiences of life.
2. A person who is not brought into being has no case against me from the point of view of their non-existence, philosophically. (A subtle point, about which I have thought a great deal, on account of my realisation that giving life, also gives death: it basically means that one who is brought into being has no case to make that they should not have been brought into being, because if they had not, there would be no being on which the claim could fix...)
3. I absolutely love children and always have great relationships with them. I am highly educated, and would have a lot to offer a child of mine. I am not so keen on babies, but that phase does not last long, and if it were mine...
4. There are a lot of women out there who would love to have children, and I could offer a stable home and a good fathership, in partnership, I believe...
I would be very interested to hear from either people who have chosen not to have children, people who would like them but can't have them, people who are unsure, as well as parents, particularly if they are as honest as possible about their experiences, both good and bad.
Thanks in advance!
Last edited by dddivorceee; 10-31-2011 at 03:19 PM.