I would love to pick your brain. She is on meds for numerous things...mainly ADHD, depression, and impulse control. I would like to take her to get a second opinion from the psych. She was put on all these meds before I met her and honestly I think she is on way too many. But I'm also not a doctor. But I did express to my husband that I would like to take her in for a second opinion because this is just way too much for a 12 year old. But at the same time when she forgets a dose of meds it is the scariest thing ever. Completely out of control...almost manic behavior.
I am just getting mad because when a child in our house "does something" (for example: cuts the leather seats in my car) I get "reprimanded" for calling it to her attention and getting upset about it. Or if someone does something in the house and I KNOW it is her he gets mad that I am asking about it.
I am really starting to HATE my husband. There are times when I love him to pieces, but most of the time I want to run for the hills. I don't feel support in any way and he has just given up on parenting. She is out of control and I'm trying not to let her behavior get to me so I ignore the attention getting crap and when I do that apparently I'm being "mean".
This house doesn't feel like it is ours. It feels like it is hers and my husband's.
Pick my brain!
It's highly unlikely she's really got all that she's diagnosed with..and frankly, it doesn't sound accurate. What's likely happened is that she's been diagnosed based on a bucket list of observable symptoms by marginally qualified people, rather than having a thorough evaluation by competent and experienced professionals. Has she had psychological and neuropsychological testing? Who's doing the medications and how often is that being evaluated? What about therapy? Her? Day treatment? Your family, including hubby? What about school? Is she in a special school, or is she muddling thru mainstream? All of this is crucial, b/c accurate treatment is determined by accurate diagnosis, which is determined by accurate professionals. Her symptoms seem the result of poor evaluation and poor treatment, not so much her inability to accept parenting.
I'd work with hubby around your mutual understanding of the seriousness of these symptoms...surely he recognizes this, if only for all the meds she's on...and most especially...as she enters the most explosive phase of her life....and side step the bogus kid allegiance issue. You and he need to work on problem resolution, not finger pointing. And you're going to need to work with a good therapist, too.
You have much work to do here, I'd start with the things you and he agree on, then both of you should begin by taking it to your counselor, and then her for a competent set of evaluations and start over based on an accurate understanding of her real situation, and the required treatments. Which will include him.
Good luck, this is a very tough one.