His kids...I don't know what to do - Talk About Marriage
The Family & Parenting Forums Family dynamics can be exactly that - dynamic! Post here about family related issues such as parenting, blended families, step-families, new relationships with children involved, family of origin issues, in-laws or sibling issues.

User Tag List

 11Likes
  • 3 Post By EleGirl
  • 2 Post By EleGirl
  • 2 Post By Evinrude58
  • 1 Post By EleGirl
  • 1 Post By EleGirl
  • 2 Post By MrsHolland
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 11:27 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 66
His kids...I don't know what to do

I've been dating this guy for a few months. He informed me that he was still living with the mother of his kids (she broke up with him and wanted him to leave immediately). Apparently the mother had told him and his kids that she didn't want to spend time with them (the story is deeper than that but I don't want to put all of his business out there). I really like his kids and I offered him to stay at my place until he moved into his own. His kids are 7 & 6, and to say the least, very rambunctious, they don't follow directions well, the youngest will "test" you and be a jerk on purpose.

Their mother finally decided to get the kids for the weekend (she has cancelled many weekends prior) and of course the kids trash me to their mom. They told her I cussed at them, which I did. First for disappearing on me while we were in public and I had to find them and then for being absolutely disrespectful to me when their father left the house for a couple of hours (yea, yea, don't cuss at other folks kids...I say don't have kids that are so bad that people want to cuss at them). I have tried to be cool and calm with his kids but I'm over it especially after them trashing me to their mom. The mom is waiting for him to move out of my house. I think she wants him back, I don't even care if she does.

Am I making a rush decision by ending this relationship because of his kids? He's a good guy and we have a lot in common, same values etc. but I don't think it's worth it if I have to be trashed by his kids when all I'm doing is trying to look out for them. I love him very much and I thought we would be together for a while but now I'd rather be single.

Yummy2011 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 11:39 AM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,345
Re: His kids...I don't know what to do

I assume that you told him how his children treat you. What was his response?

Having been through raising 2 step children, my suggestion with what you have said is to end the relationship. His children behave the way they do for a few reasons:

1) it's very normal for step children to mistreat their step parent. It's a situation that they did not chose. The children feel helpless and want their family back. That turns the step-parent into an enemy.

2) He has not taught his children to be respectful to others. He has not taught them how they are to treat you. Basically he's not a good parent. Do you really want to try to step parent children with a father who allows this?

3) It is far too soon after the end of his marriage for him to be in a relationship. It way too early for him to be dragging his kids into another relationship. Your relationship with him is most likely just a transitional one for him.

This is why 70% of all marriages with step children end in divorce.
EleGirl is online now  
post #3 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 11:39 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,717
Re: His kids...I don't know what to do

Kids are a huge factor. Keep on mind, kids are going to go back and forth to each household with info about the other. Bad info in particular. They just do. But if they're getting you to cuss level this fast.........

Plus you've been dating a guy that lived with his ex while you dated??

Pretty clear choice, I think.
Posted via Mobile Device
Evinrude58 is offline  
 
post #4 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 11:52 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 66
Re: His kids...I don't know what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
I assume that you told him how his children treat you. What was his response?

Having been through raising 2 step children, my suggestion with what you have said is to end the relationship. His children behave the way they do for a few reasons:

1) it's very normal for step children to mistreat their step parent. It's a situation that they did not chose. The children feel helpless and want their family back. That turns the step-parent into an enemy.

2) He has not taught his children to be respectful to others. He has not taught them how they are to treat you. Basically he's not a good parent. Do you really want to try to step parent children with a father who allows this?

3) It is far too soon after the end of his marriage for him to be in a relationship. It way too early for him to be dragging his kids into another relationship. Your relationship with him is most likely just a transitional one for him.

This is why 70% of all marriages with step children end in divorce.
I made it clear that I didn't want to be a "rebound", in fact I stated this multiple times once I found out the entire situation. I wouldn't call him a bad parent but he definitely won't take much direction about his kids. I have kids and when they were that age I was boss lady and I could give a certain look and point and my kids fell in line, so I'm not used to kids who barely listen. I'm starting to see what this "step-parent" mess is about and I don't like it. I've never seriously dated a man who had kids so this is new to me and so many levels. Ugh, I was hoping maybe I was overreacting but I don't think I am. Thanks for your comment.
Yummy2011 is offline  
post #5 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 12:05 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,345
Re: His kids...I don't know what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by Yummy2011 View Post
I made it clear that I didn't want to be a "rebound", in fact I stated this multiple times once I found out the entire situation.
Sadly, you not wanting to be a rebound will not change anything. What rules is human nature. At this point, Iím sure that he does not want your relationship to be a rebound one either. But he and his ex are still emotionally connected. He has not had time to heal from the relationship and get to a good place.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Yummy2011 View Post
I wouldn't call him a bad parent but he definitely won't take much direction about his kids. I have kids and when they were that age I was boss lady and I could give a certain look and point and my kids fell in line, so I'm not used to kids who barely listen. I'm starting to see what this "step-parent" mess is about and I don't like it. I've never seriously dated a man who had kids so this is new to me and so many levels. Ugh, I was hoping maybe I was overreacting but I don't think I am. Thanks for your comment.
You are not over reacting. At this point in the relationship, he should not even be leaving his children with you. Itís too early for them to have this in their life. And thus they are acting out.
EleGirl is online now  
post #6 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 12:17 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 66
Re: His kids...I don't know what to do

Screw him and his kids. Thanks
Yummy2011 is offline  
post #7 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 12:22 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,717
Re: His kids...I don't know what to do

???? Not really the right attitude. How about, "I understand that our relationship was too soon and your kids are having trouble adapting to the idea of a step gf, so maybe we should rethink our situation for the good of all involved"?

Or, screw him and his kids is also effective, I guess.😁
Posted via Mobile Device
Evinrude58 is offline  
post #8 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 12:27 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,345
Re: His kids...I don't know what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by Yummy2011 View Post
Screw him and his kids. Thanks
You just reported this thread saying "Please get off this thread." Who was that directed at? Was it me?
EleGirl is online now  
post #9 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 12:33 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,345
Re: His kids...I don't know what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by Yummy2011 View Post
Screw him and his kids. Thanks
I'm not sure how you could interpret anything I said to mean "screw him and his kids".

My posts have been about you doing what is best for you.

He's a big boy. He can take care of himself and his kids.

You need to take care of yourself.
EleGirl is online now  
post #10 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 12:43 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 66
Re: His kids...I don't know what to do

That was for evinrude. And "screw him and his kids" is taking care of myself, I'm drained so I don't have any "nice" things to say other than screw him and his kids.

Yummy2011 is offline  
post #11 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 12:58 PM
Moderator
 
EleGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 32,345
Re: His kids...I don't know what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by Yummy2011 View Post
That was for evinrude. And "screw him and his kids" is taking care of myself, I'm drained so I don't have any "nice" things to say other than screw him and his kids.
Ah.. now I understand. Thanks for the clarification.

I'm sorry that you are feeling so drained. It's not a good place to be at all. So yea, taking care of yourself and your kids is where your focus needs to be.

I do think that evinrude was acutally giving you good input.
EleGirl is online now  
post #12 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 06:14 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 354
Re: His kids...I don't know what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by Yummy2011 View Post
That was for evinrude. And "screw him and his kids" is taking care of myself, I'm drained so I don't have any "nice" things to say other than screw him and his kids.
How many kids do you have? And how old are they? Do they also live with you for time? I imagine it is hard to have a mix of your kids and his kids if yours are listening and his not. At some point your kids will figure why should they have to listen and behave when his don't have to. Then you have total chaos! Maybe it is time to sit down with him and lay down the law for his kids if they are going to be at your house and have him tell his kids and he enforce the rules with them. Otherwise, let him know they can't be there.

Also, is it too soon to be having him or his kids living in your home if you have only been dating a few months?
Abc123wife is offline  
post #13 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 06:27 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 755
Re: His kids...I don't know what to do

The poor kids. He would do well to end the relationship with you, be a grown man and put his children's best interests first. You do not sound like the sort of person that should be around young children, especially ones that are still in the middle of their parents divorce.
MrsHolland is online now  
post #14 of 15 (permalink) Old 07-11-2016, 07:05 PM
Moderator
 
lifeistooshort's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,425
Re: His kids...I don't know what to do

I get it.

It's not the kids fault though, so give them a break.

But why would you get involved with a guy who's still living with his wife?
Posted via Mobile Device
lifeistooshort is online now  
post #15 of 15 (permalink) Old 09-21-2016, 02:07 AM
Registered User
 
Staisha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 12
Re: His kids...I don't know what to do

It's not your kids and you can not forbid them from seeing her mother.
Staisha is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
I hate our neighbors. H and I can't agree on how to handle them. kag123 General Relationship Discussion 26 05-03-2016 05:39 PM
Ex's new boyfriend and impact on my kids?? WreckTangle Life After Divorce 34 04-13-2016 07:23 PM
Fighting in front of kids maven.marvel General Relationship Discussion 15 04-11-2016 03:44 PM
Moving for kids? sexting General Relationship Discussion 12 02-26-2016 11:29 PM
Wife and I are not on the same page about kids Acct630 The Family & Parenting Forums 18 12-25-2015 11:59 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome