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post #16 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-22-2016, 10:39 AM
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Re: Advice for mom with teenage daughter

I have a very different view from most folks here.

My kid is still in her single digits, but at 16 I don't plan on putting her on birth control. I want to raise her to focus first on studies and establishing a career and not start having sex at 16. I know, some laugh at this. I feel that parents giving condoms to kids at that age are encouraging them to go and have sex and is an indirect approval. No boyfriends in the house at all.

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post #17 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-22-2016, 10:41 AM
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Re: Advice for mom with teenage daughter

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dubsey, while that *could* be what's going on, it could be equally likely that he may say it is, but it really isn't. My own nephew is one who claims things are so horrible and he spends so much time with his gf and her mom. He has an entitled mentality and his parents told him "no more". He moved out of his mom's house (my sister) and into his dad's for awhile. His dad believed him when he said that his mom was the problem. His dad soon learned, firsthand, that was not true, and told him he needs to move. My sister is willing to let him move back... IF he follows rules, which would be written out AND signed by all parties involved. There is a LOT going on there, though. Not relevant to this thread, except to say that even if the bf SAYS things are toxic, it isn't always true... or it is toxic because of HIS actions. So consider that, too.
I didn't say he may not be a/the cause. There could be many reasons why.

All I said is that it could be toxic, and that might be why he's never at his home, and to consider their home may be a really happy place for him.

and yeah, they should speak with him about it - no disagreement there.
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post #18 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-22-2016, 10:23 PM
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Re: Advice for mom with teenage daughter

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I have a very different view from most folks here.

My kid is still in her single digits, but at 16 I don't plan on putting her on birth control. I want to raise her to focus first on studies and establishing a career and not start having sex at 16. I know, some laugh at this. I feel that parents giving condoms to kids at that age are encouraging them to go and have sex and is an indirect approval. No boyfriends in the house at all.
I'm reading a book right now by Faye Kellerman, called Gun Games. It involves a 15 year old genius boy, who's a piano prodigy. He meets a 14 year old Persian Jewish girl. They instantly fall in love. It's a murder mystery kind of book. But I find it very compelling in terms of what a VERY smart 15 year old boy and a VERY naive Persian (strict family) girl will do, once they are convinced they are in love.

I think it would do you good to read it. Now, before your child reaches this age and does things you will be shocked to learn about. Two very nice kids, who do things YOU think they shouldn't be doing, but they do anyway.

You are being VERY naive yourself to think your kids will not be having sex as teenagers.

Worse, you will ruin your daughter's life by not preparing her to NOT GET PREGNANT and forever change the path of her life.
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post #19 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-23-2016, 08:39 AM
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Re: Advice for mom with teenage daughter

Ehhh I do have to agree, in part, with @nirvana. While I will likely have condoms available in the house, I WILL be speaking with them about waiting. And, while *most* have sex as teens, not *all* do. Some actually do wait until they marry, and they have wonderful marriages, too. And when I say they wait, I mean they wait until *any* sex act. While it is a minority, it still does happen.

Currently, I have had discussions with my youngest boy and my daughter (8 & 9) about not going off alone with others. As they get older, we will be explaining more thoroughly. My oldest, at 15, clams up at even the mention of the word "sex". I have no clue what that's about. I mean, he *literally* will *not* even say that word. He views it as a bad word to say. And, no, there is no sexual trauma of any kind. He has been this way about this since he was little.

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post #20 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-23-2016, 05:34 PM
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Re: Advice for mom with teenage daughter

Well, of course you speak to them about it. Of course you tell them they had better not do it, and here's why (list all the reasons). Of course you monitor them closely. But the kids whose parents just tell them not to have sex and then think that's all they have to do are the ones who'll be surprising their parents with an oops baby because their parents thought their kids wouldn't have sex just because they said not to.

I'm just saying to be realistic. Nearly every one of DD25's friends, down here in Baptist country - most of whom had the parents who wouldn't discuss birth control - ended up with babies and had their life plans cut short and rerouted, or had secret abortions. And only one of them is still with the baby daddy.
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post #21 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-24-2016, 04:58 AM
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Re: Advice for mom with teenage daughter

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Well, of course you speak to them about it. Of course you tell them they had better not do it, and here's why (list all the reasons). Of course you monitor them closely. But the kids whose parents just tell them not to have sex and then think that's all they have to do are the ones who'll be surprising their parents with an oops baby because their parents thought their kids wouldn't have sex just because they said not to.

I'm just saying to be realistic. Nearly every one of DD25's friends, down here in Baptist country - most of whom had the parents who wouldn't discuss birth control - ended up with babies and had their life plans cut short and rerouted, or had secret abortions. And only one of them is still with the baby daddy.

OP, you may also want to contemplate the fates that your grandchildren may face when they are brought into the world at inconvenient times:

Woman who trafficked daughter for heroin sentenced to 51 years to life

"The girl's grandparents told the judge they hoped for justice for their granddaughter and that others would be protected from Corcoran. The girl's grandmother spoke quietly in court.

"I saw my granddaughter. I heard her small voice," Sylvia Corcoran said. "It was horrific. How could she (Corcoran) do this? I don't know if my granddaughter is going to be able to have a normal life.""
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post #22 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-24-2016, 06:41 AM
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Re: Advice for mom with teenage daughter

OP,
You are the parent which places certain responsibilities on you. You can choose to accept them or shirk them. Children are not capable of fully extrapolating and projecting consequences which is exactly why your job as parent exists. There are legitimate reasons why children are not allowed to vote, own firearms, drink, etc., etc.. Do you find it curious that most deem those restrictions prudent but yet feel that the child is prepared and ready to deal with the nuances and consequences of being sexually active? This is absurd.

Is it any wonder that many women are so sexually immature. Think about it. A little girl, which is what they are at 16, feels compelled to give herself to some hormone crazed boy whose only interest is satisfying this primal urge to inseminate a female. Once done he loses interest and goes to the next conquest. The girl wonders why, was it her, was she not good enough, was she just an receptacle for him? How could any parent want this for their daughter? And what view does this process form in the developing mind of the child that they will carry into adulthood or, more accurately, prevent them from fully reaching adulthood thereby being forced to go through life with this skewed perception of relationship dynamics.

As to making birth control available, what in your wildest dreams makes someone think that even though the child is clearly not ready to assume the responsibilities of sexual activity that they are always going yo be responsible enough to use prophylactics? This is delusional. They are not responsible enough to keep their room clean but they can be fully trusted to, in the heat of a hormone driven moment, stop and apply a condom? Fascinating.

If you truly want to be a parent then you must act like one. If you want to be their best friend then buy them drugs and alcohol, provide them a safe haven and allow them to "do whatever they want", perhaps even join in if you like. However, do not expect them to grow into responsible adults. In our country this has become the norm, just open your eyes and really see the results it is having on our society.

Peace and long life
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post #23 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-24-2016, 07:43 AM
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Re: Advice for mom with teenage daughter

The young man needs to know that while he is welcome, there are a few house rules that must be adhered to:

1. No more than 2 hour stints at your abode, keeping in mind that unless asked to stay over for meals, he is to leave at your appointed meal times, and at your bed time! If she goes out on dates with him execute a strict 11PM curfew!

2. All rooms in your house are off-limits except your living room and guest bath! And with the latter, only he can be in there alone! In regard to the living room, place a visible or a hidden camera in there and habitually monitor the thing!

3. No presence of cigs, drugs, pot, booze, or beer!

4. Your kitchen/dining area is strictly off limits to him! If he needs food/libations, he can pack them over!

5. He doesn't have a job, you say? Introduce him to the joys of lawn work, edging, pruning, scrubbing, painting, power-washing your sidewalks/driveways.

6. No bathing, washing, or sleepover privileges!

7. His Parents need to be brought over and duly informed of what's going on!

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post #24 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-24-2016, 08:48 AM
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Re: Advice for mom with teenage daughter

There's a reason my house has a pretty good and pretty well hidden security DVR system for public spaces and outside entrances. Gives me an insurance break too.
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post #25 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-24-2016, 09:41 AM
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Re: Advice for mom with teenage daughter

Here's another article about moms using their kids to fund their drug habits.

I bet all the moms mentioned were teens when their child was born:

Ohio Mom Let Drug Dealer Repeatedly Rape Child In Exchange For Heroin

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post #26 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-24-2016, 12:01 PM
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Re: Advice for mom with teenage daughter

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I totally disagree with this. The pill wreaks havoc with a womans body. I would NEVER force someone to be on it. EVER. There are far, far better options out there. Besides, she's 16. It's HER body - who am I, or ANY mom, to be telling her to do something like this? Far better to educate her and let her make her own choices.
I agree on the let them make choices part. I told both daughters they get to choose on the HPV vaccine and on BC. The eldest chose not to get the HPV vaccine, #2 did. The eldest chose to go on deppo.
The only thing I'd discourage is an IUD for a woman who's never had a kid. I'm not totally convinced that there is not a risk of later miscarriage. They're great for women who've had kids and are not sure if they're done.

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Just make sure you're very clear about what happens if she ends up pregnant (ie that you won't be raising your grandkid)
There is what I'd tell them and what I'd do. I wouldn't ever want my grandkid raised in foster care.
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post #27 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-24-2016, 12:03 PM
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Re: Advice for mom with teenage daughter

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2. All rooms in your house are off-limits except your living room and guest bath! And with the latter, only he can be in there alone! In regard to the living room, place a visible or a hidden camera in there and habitually monitor the thing!
Hell no. That's one video I DON'T want to see.
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post #28 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-24-2016, 03:04 PM
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Hell no. That's one video I DON'T want to see.
Oh, Larry ~ I would!

If the film footage indeed did come to bear out any impropriety, then that's exactly when that young man would come to learn that the semantics of being a man; finding out that getting his a$$ kicked by an irate teenage girls father is just a preeminent part of that process!

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post #29 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-24-2016, 03:11 PM
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Re: Advice for mom with teenage daughter

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Here's another article about moms using their kids to fund their drug habits.

I bet all the moms mentioned were teens when their child was born:

Ohio Mom Let Drug Dealer Repeatedly Rape Child In Exchange For Heroin
This article makes one truly wonder just how low one can go!

Anyone who would do that to a child, much less an adult, ought to be fastly incarcerated with no hope of parole ever!

And I'm not even talking about the drug dealer!

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Last edited by arbitrator; 07-24-2016 at 03:15 PM.
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post #30 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-24-2016, 03:19 PM
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Re: Advice for mom with teenage daughter

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This article makes one truly wonder just how low one can go!

Anyone who would do that to a child, much less an adult, ought to be fastly incarcerated with no hope of parole ever!

And I'm not even talking about the drug dealer!

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Incarcerated? I think incinerated would be more appropriate.
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