Advice for mom with teenage daughter - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
The Family & Parenting Forums Family dynamics can be exactly that - dynamic! Post here about family related issues such as parenting, blended families, step-families, new relationships with children involved, family of origin issues, in-laws or sibling issues.

User Tag List

 54Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #31 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-26-2016, 03:11 PM
Member
 
brooklynAnn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 1,369
Re: Advice for mom with teenage daughter

Quote:
Originally Posted by nirvana View Post
I have a very different view from most folks here.

My kid is still in her single digits, but at 16 I don't plan on putting her on birth control. I want to raise her to focus first on studies and establishing a career and not start having sex at 16. I know, some laugh at this. I feel that parents giving condoms to kids at that age are encouraging them to go and have sex and is an indirect approval. No boyfriends in the house at all.
I am in agreement with you. We are raising our kids with the understanding that their only job at this time is going to school and getting their education. So far, that has worked. Boy is 17 and girl is 19. They both decided they were going to wait after 18 or high school to have sex. We talk about sex alot in my home. It's not taboo and we have been doing it since they were little and had questions.

Our DD 19 is now is college. The summer after high school was finished I took her to the doctor and asked for her to be put on the pills. She and I had a long discussion about this. She understood where I was coming from and she understood the need for it. She was leaving home and things happen. I dont want her to be unprepared and I dont want her to be unprotected.

So far she has decided not to get involved with anyone, because she feels that getting involved will be too time consuming and she does not have the time. When she falls in love it will be another story. So educating her and getting her protection is in her best interest. I think every parent should prepare their children for this. Because things happen and they get pregant.

brooklynAnn is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #32 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-28-2016, 02:17 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 2,546
Re: Advice for mom with teenage daughter

Quote:
Originally Posted by NoChoice View Post
OP,
You are the parent which places certain responsibilities on you. You can choose to accept them or shirk them. Children are not capable of fully extrapolating and projecting consequences which is exactly why your job as parent exists. There are legitimate reasons why children are not allowed to vote, own firearms, drink, etc., etc.. Do you find it curious that most deem those restrictions prudent but yet feel that the child is prepared and ready to deal with the nuances and consequences of being sexually active? This is absurd.

Is it any wonder that many women are so sexually immature. Think about it. A little girl, which is what they are at 16, feels compelled to give herself to some hormone crazed boy whose only interest is satisfying this primal urge to inseminate a female. Once done he loses interest and goes to the next conquest. The girl wonders why, was it her, was she not good enough, was she just an receptacle for him? How could any parent want this for their daughter? And what view does this process form in the developing mind of the child that they will carry into adulthood or, more accurately, prevent them from fully reaching adulthood thereby being forced to go through life with this skewed perception of relationship dynamics.

As to making birth control available, what in your wildest dreams makes someone think that even though the child is clearly not ready to assume the responsibilities of sexual activity that they are always going yo be responsible enough to use prophylactics? This is delusional. They are not responsible enough to keep their room clean but they can be fully trusted to, in the heat of a hormone driven moment, stop and apply a condom? Fascinating.

If you truly want to be a parent then you must act like one. If you want to be their best friend then buy them drugs and alcohol, provide them a safe haven and allow them to "do whatever they want", perhaps even join in if you like. However, do not expect them to grow into responsible adults. In our country this has become the norm, just open your eyes and really see the results it is having on our society.
Nice essay, well written. I'm not sure what you are actually promoting as a parenting strategy.

I allow my son to drink alcohol, that I have purchased. I'm not his best friend. If we are having a delightful wine with our meal, he is welcome to share a glass, or part-glass, with us if he chooses. Typically he will decline, but if its something special he will usually want to try it. He has had small amounts of fine whiskey on trips or when we have visitors.

I'm not defending my position. I am confident in my ability as an excellent parent. My son is a fine example of a very responsible young person. I am simply wondering if you'd care to elaborate on my example, or your own, as to how this does or does not fit with your comment "acting like a parent".
sapientia is offline  
post #33 of 37 (permalink) Old 08-01-2016, 10:15 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 845
Re: Advice for mom with teenage daughter

Though I understand you have very good intentions, I have to question the home-schooling dictate. It seems like she is missing out on a lot of things. I think you should talk to her about enrolling in school, being with other kids, participating in activities, getting girlfriends.
Bobby5000 is offline  
 
post #34 of 37 (permalink) Old 08-01-2016, 01:56 PM
Member
 
brooklynAnn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 1,369
Re: Advice for mom with teenage daughter

Quote:
Originally Posted by sapientia View Post
Nice essay, well written. I'm not sure what you are actually promoting as a parenting strategy.

I allow my son to drink alcohol, that I have purchased. I'm not his best friend. If we are having a delightful wine with our meal, he is welcome to share a glass, or part-glass, with us if he chooses. Typically he will decline, but if its something special he will usually want to try it. He has had small amounts of fine whiskey on trips or when we have visitors.
".
I think part of the responsibilities of being a parent with almost adult kids is teaching them their limits with regards to alcohol. My son refuse to drink or even sip anything alcoholic. That's just who he is. Maybe when he is older he will drink but at this time we try to model responsible drinking for them. That means no over drinking, no drinking and driving and no fighting/ arguing when drunk.

When we are sitting for dinner or on the holidays, my DD is welcome to have a small amount of wine or have a sip of her dad's beer. She knows that half a small glass with give her a buzz. So she is learning that is her limit. She also realize this year away, that friends would not look after you when you are a sloppy drunk, falling all over the place.

She has told me she would not drink when she is away from home because she does not trust anyone to take care of her. Which I think is very smart.

I dont avocate giving other people kids alcohol because I would never want someone else to give my kids alcohol. I tell my kids all the time I am never going to be their friends. I am more than that. I will never worry about you liking me because I don't care if you like me. I am going to tell you the truth at all times. I am always going to have your best interest in mind. My job is to protect, teach and nurture them to become decent people.
brooklynAnn is offline  
post #35 of 37 (permalink) Old 08-02-2016, 10:17 AM
Banned
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 2,546
Re: Advice for mom with teenage daughter

Quote:
Originally Posted by brooklynAnn View Post
I think part of the responsibilities of being a parent with almost adult kids is teaching them their limits with regards to alcohol. My son refuse to drink or even sip anything alcoholic. That's just who he is. Maybe when he is older he will drink but at this time we try to model responsible drinking for them. That means no over drinking, no drinking and driving and no fighting/ arguing when drunk.

When we are sitting for dinner or on the holidays, my DD is welcome to have a small amount of wine or have a sip of her dad's beer. She knows that half a small glass with give her a buzz. So she is learning that is her limit. She also realize this year away, that friends would not look after you when you are a sloppy drunk, falling all over the place.

She has told me she would not drink when she is away from home because she does not trust anyone to take care of her. Which I think is very smart.

I dont avocate giving other people kids alcohol because I would never want someone else to give my kids alcohol. I tell my kids all the time I am never going to be their friends. I am more than that. I will never worry about you liking me because I don't care if you like me. I am going to tell you the truth at all times. I am always going to have your best interest in mind. My job is to protect, teach and nurture them to become decent people.
I agree with your bolded comment that giving your kids a safe place to test limits is an important part of their development.

I am more skeptical of any young person making an absolute statement, like the ones I underlined. Even if they think they mean it now, it is highly unlikely to remain so in future. There isn't anything you can do about it, of course, as its not reasonable to force ones kids to drink alcohol or have any experience for it's own sake, but I would remain vigilant about any changes in future.
sapientia is offline  
post #36 of 37 (permalink) Old 08-04-2016, 12:53 PM
Member
 
NobodySpecial's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 5,107
Re: Advice for mom with teenage daughter

Quote:
Originally Posted by turnera View Post
Well, of course you speak to them about it. Of course you tell them they had better not do it, and here's why (list all the reasons). Of course you monitor them closely. But the kids whose parents just tell them not to have sex and then think that's all they have to do are the ones who'll be surprising their parents with an oops baby because their parents thought their kids wouldn't have sex just because they said not to.
My son is 15. We sent him to a program called Our Whole Lives. It was VERY comprehensive. He is now very certain he is not ready for sex, even if it was available to him. I agree with you that education is very important.

Quote:
I'm just saying to be realistic. Nearly every one of DD25's friends, down here in Baptist country - most of whom had the parents who wouldn't discuss birth control - ended up with babies and had their life plans cut short and rerouted, or had secret abortions. And only one of them is still with the baby daddy.
I totally agree with this.
NobodySpecial is offline  
post #37 of 37 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 01:48 AM
Member
 
jimrich's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: CA
Posts: 256
Cool Re: Advice for mom with teenage daughter

I am not a parent so what I have to offer comes from theory or psychology.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shiva9800 View Post
Since summer break started for my daughter, these two think that they need to be together 24/7 with the exception of going home to sleep. What this has turned in to though is the boyfriend being at our house every single day from at least 2-3 pm until curfew which is 11 pm for the summer. While I don't have a problem with "visitors", I have had some issues with him being here so much. He doesn't cause any trouble while he's here and is respectful of our rules however he's eating us out of house and home and he makes a disaster of my daughters usually clean room.
I'll start with your daughter's room. IMO, this is all about Boundaries and Boundary setting. You and your husband need to decided exactly what you want or will tolerate, tell everyone involved about your BOUNDARIES and then make a plan to ENFORCE those Boundaries or Rules, etc. Most folks fail at the "enforcing" stage so the kids or other Offenders just don't take your Rules seriously! IT'S YOUR HOME!!!

Quote:
It's also been very annoying to my husband because he says the boyfriend is here entirely too much.
But does he ever tell the boy when to be there and when not to be there? If so, does he ever ENFORCE his policy???

Quote:
I've talked to my daughter about it, set a few different rules but then we go back to him being here every day again.
So then why would your kid or the boyfriend take you seriously?

Quote:
My question to you guys is, how do you handle this with your teenagers?
You establish your rules of boundaries and BACK THEM UP!

Quote:
What do you allow as far as boyfriends go?
Anything you want - IT'S YOUR HOME!!!

Quote:
And are any of you in a similar situation with a home schooled child that doesn't have any friends and wants to spend all of their free time with a boyfriend/girlfriend?
Home schooled or not, kids need to understand and comply with RESPONSIBILITIES and BOUNDARIES! Home schooling needs to include lessons on accepting certain boundaries and limits in life such as not eating up all of your food, making a mess in your kid's room, coming to your home at or during such and such hours and many other normal, social standards that another kid would probably be learning at Public School. You are NOT HELPING your daughter or her boyfriend by allowing them to be in YOUR HOME without any limits or boundaries and responsibilities.

choose happiness
jimrich is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Marriage advice TEDC16 Self-Help Marriage & Relationship Programs 2 05-14-2016 01:57 AM
Did my husband just hit on my 26 year old daughter ChrisAnn The Ladies' Lounge 133 05-11-2016 12:48 PM
Need advice from women about situation with daughter. Quadronos The Ladies' Lounge 12 04-15-2016 06:05 PM
Son in law problem... Advice needed please Lovemywife83 General Relationship Discussion 10 03-01-2016 06:12 PM
Help! 17 year old daughter is pregnant nikoled The Family & Parenting Forums 144 02-22-2016 08:04 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome