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post #1 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-12-2016, 06:17 PM Thread Starter
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Advice for mom with teenage daughter

So to begin with, I have two daughters from a previous LTR. They are 16 and 18. Her dad and I separated then I got married. Both of my daughters have been home schooled since early elementary school which meant not having many friends.

The issue I seem to be having is with the 16 year old. Her boyfriend is 18 and just graduated high school this past June. Since summer break started for my daughter, these two think that they need to be together 24/7 with the exception of going home to sleep. What this has turned in to though is the boyfriend being at our house every single day from at least 2-3 pm until curfew which is 11 pm for the summer. While I don't have a problem with "visitors", I have had some issues with him being here so much. He doesn't cause any trouble while he's here and is respectful of our rules however he's eating us out of house and home and he makes a disaster of my daughters usually clean room.
It's also been very annoying to my husband because he says the boyfriend is here entirely too much. I've talked to my daughter about it, set a few different rules but then we go back to him being here every day again.
Her reason is that she has no friends, no one else to hang out with, and because of being home schooled she's spent most of her childhood and teenage years with just parents and her sister. I can understand that completely.
She's just gotten old enough to begin applying for jobs and I think there's hope in making friends there. We do live in a fairly small town though and jobs for teenagers aren't the easiest to come by.

My question to you guys is, how do you handle this with your teenagers? What do you allow as far as boyfriends go? And are any of you in a similar situation with a home schooled child that doesn't have any friends and wants to spend all of their free time with a boyfriend/girlfriend?
I'm reaching out hoping to get some different ideas and opinions to help the situation between me and my daughter as well as helping between me and my husband.
Thanks in advance!

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post #2 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-12-2016, 10:10 PM
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Re: Advice for mom with teenage daughter

Well, I don't know how much help I'll be, but I did have a teenaged daughter who was homeschooled from grade nine onwards. Getting a job was great - she did make a lot of friends that way. She had two older brothers, which meant that I'd developed a pretty laid back attitude about stuff by the time she was a teen . When my kids turned 16 was pretty much when I started backing away from making a bunch of rules for curfews, friends, even attending school. Reason being that I quit school and moved 2500 km away from home at 16, so the way I figured it was that if I hadn't taught them pretty much everything they needed to get by at 16, I'd not done my job and I'd know in short order whether they could handle themselves. And they did.

So once they turned 16 they could have boy/girl friends overnight if they wanted. I armed them with condoms, gave them the lecture and told them that as long as I couldn't hear what they were doing I didn't care. I also didn't freak over alcohol or drug use (the drinking age here is 18). They all tried pot and were fairly open with me about it, although at 15 I did have a bit of a to-do with one sons friend over selling pot to him. Anyway, I tell you this just to give you my perspective.

I did put my foot down as far as their friends eating our food. I did not allow them to eat whatever they wanted, but I did buy cheap stuff like hot dogs and make sure they knew to eat that if they had to eat something. For the most part, they had to order pizza or something if they wanted food. My kids actually ordered a lot of pizza themselves too.

Our basement was kind of the 'hang out' centre. It wasn't developed or anything, and I rarely went down there, so they pretty much could do what they wanted. They did have to clean it once in a while. But it was the kid area.

All of that probably doesn't help you much though

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post #3 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-12-2016, 10:32 PM
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Re: Advice for mom with teenage daughter

Why is an 18 year old man who graduated not working so he can be at your house hanging out all the time?

Also, why isn't the 16 year old working this summer?
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post #4 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-12-2016, 10:42 PM
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Re: Advice for mom with teenage daughter

Make sure she is on the pill.
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post #5 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-21-2016, 11:28 AM
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Re: Advice for mom with teenage daughter

Have a word with his parents.

If he's over that often, you should know who his family is.
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post #6 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-21-2016, 11:39 AM
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Re: Advice for mom with teenage daughter

I would highly advocate them not spending time in her room. Thats my rule, no friends in their bedroom. Except my DD bestfriend, her mum and I are good friends. We set up our basement for the kids, so they can have friends over and it's their place.

Make sure she gets on the pill. I took my DD to the doc. the week after finishing highschool. Talk to her about sex.

Maybe he can come around 2xs a week instead of all week. Even with the kids downstairs it drives me nuts to have alot of people over. It's expensive and they are always hungry.

Address your concerns with your DD and dont let her guilt you into anything to get her way.
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post #7 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-21-2016, 12:05 PM
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Re: Advice for mom with teenage daughter

This sounds like an extremely unhealthy situation to me. Your daughter sounds lonely. She needs friends and activities to get her out of the house.

I homeschooled my three kids all the way through high school, until I send them to the community college. So three years of homeschool high school and two years of community college.

Your daughter is putting all her eggs in one basket. She is seeing a young man who should be looking for a job rather than sitting around on your couch all day long and eating you out of house and home. Not good.

It sounds like the main problem is that your daughter doesn't see that she has any other options to resolve her loneliness. See to it that you do something about that. Talk to her and come up with some solutions. It's not rocket science.

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post #8 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-21-2016, 12:43 PM
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Re: Advice for mom with teenage daughter

I just flat out gave them a time limit of two hours a day. And when that time was up, I was in the living room, shooing the guy out the door. She didn't like it? Tough. I'm the mom.

I also made my DD get a job as well as chores and limited electronics during the summer to three hours a day. The only thing she was allowed to do with no limitations was read books or do other hobbies. I raised her with the one main rule that I was the adult, she was the child, and my rules would be followed or she'd get the consequences of not following those rules. And I said that matter of factly, like it was what every kid dealt with, so she never really saw any reason to try to weasel out of it. Of course, she was always welcome to try to get special dispensation over other things she wanted, if her reasoning was good enough.

In your case, I agree she most definitely needs to be on the pill or a shot, he should NOT be in her bedroom and absolutely not in her bedroom with the door closed. Ever. And since she's been home schooled, you need to put some effort into finding her another outlet - dance class, martial arts training, soccer, whatever. She needs an outlet to make more friends and feel less like an outsider so that he's not her only outlet.
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post #9 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-21-2016, 05:11 PM
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Re: Advice for mom with teenage daughter

Quote:
Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
Make sure she is on the pill.
I totally disagree with this. The pill wreaks havoc with a womans body. I would NEVER force someone to be on it. EVER. There are far, far better options out there. Besides, she's 16. It's HER body - who am I, or ANY mom, to be telling her to do something like this? Far better to educate her and let her make her own choices. Just make sure you're very clear about what happens if she ends up pregnant (ie that you won't be raising your grandkid)

My daughter had this book - it was excellent



https://www.amazon.ca/Cycle-Savvy-Sm...9139142&sr=1-4

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #10 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-21-2016, 11:35 PM
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Re: Advice for mom with teenage daughter

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Originally Posted by Hope1964 View Post
I totally disagree with this. The pill wreaks havoc with a womans body. I would NEVER force someone to be on it. EVER. There are far, far better options out there. Besides, she's 16. It's HER body - who am I, or ANY mom, to be telling her to do something like this? Far better to educate her and let her make her own choices. Just make sure you're very clear about what happens if she ends up pregnant (ie that you won't be raising your grandkid)

My daughter had this book - it was excellent



https://www.amazon.ca/Cycle-Savvy-Sm...9139142&sr=1-4
If not the pill some form of birth control. 16 year olds are stupid their brain isn't fully developed. Getting pregnant at 16 will change your life for the worse no matter what.

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post #11 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-22-2016, 02:53 AM
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Re: Advice for mom with teenage daughter

Get her on the pill. Don't fight biology. As for the rest, I'd rather them be at my home than somewhere else I know nothing about. It's just food--feed him willingly. Don't make him feel unwelcome or you'll be wondering where your daughter is at instead of knowing. Encourage him to talk about what he's doing for a job or college.

Don't worry about the time there so long as everyone is respectful and following the rules. A few months at best, they will have broken up. Young relationships like this are boom and bust. You can't control, only guide these things.
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post #12 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-22-2016, 06:45 AM
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Re: Advice for mom with teenage daughter

A 16 year old has no business being alone with her boyfriend for this long or this often. Grow some, well, testicular strength and put an end to this.

If she doesn't learn self control and time management now she will learn it when? At work or in college?
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post #13 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-22-2016, 10:02 AM
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Re: Advice for mom with teenage daughter

Good lord, I had parents like you guys which is exactly why I left home at 16. "16 year olds are stupid their brain isn't fully developed" Their brains aren't fully developed, but stupid?? Really?

Of course she should be on birth control. But if you're going to put her on birth control, why are you then telling her she can't be alone with her boyfriend?? Do you not see the hypocrisy?? TRUST HER. Kids who are given trust really DO try to fulfill that trust. Let HER decide what form of birth control. EDUCATE her.

16 year olds deserve to be treated with respect, not like two year olds.

If she doesn't already know self control and time management then whoever raised her failed.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #14 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-22-2016, 10:09 AM
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Re: Advice for mom with teenage daughter

Just something to consider - there could be a very good reason why he's at your house all the time. His home might be toxic. I was the child of a pretty severe alcoholic. I was NEVER at home.
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post #15 of 37 (permalink) Old 07-22-2016, 10:32 AM
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Re: Advice for mom with teenage daughter

Hope, the birth control is because teenagers don't listen. I know I didn't at that age. You can have it available and have that talk about it, and still say "no going into your bedroom alone". Boys were not allowed in our room alone with us. And we still managed to have sex. I do agree that they need to have a talk about how much time the boyfriend is spending at their house, and why. AND that he should not be eating all their food.

dubsey, while that *could* be what's going on, it could be equally likely that he may say it is, but it really isn't. My own nephew is one who claims things are so horrible and he spends so much time with his gf and her mom. He has an entitled mentality and his parents told him "no more". He moved out of his mom's house (my sister) and into his dad's for awhile. His dad believed him when he said that his mom was the problem. His dad soon learned, firsthand, that was not true, and told him he needs to move. My sister is willing to let him move back... IF he follows rules, which would be written out AND signed by all parties involved. There is a LOT going on there, though. Not relevant to this thread, except to say that even if the bf SAYS things are toxic, it isn't always true... or it is toxic because of HIS actions. So consider that, too.

Anyway, OP, talk to your daughter and her boyfriend. Honestly, if he is 18, he should be working. And if he is working, he can help with food if he is going to be there that much. As for your daughter and working... ugh. Good luck. I FINALLY got my first real job at 17... the DAY I turned 17 was my first day on the job lol. And, yes, I started looking, trying to work, when I was 16. Like you, I lived in a small town, and it was tough getting a job.

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