My Fiance left without proper closure...help! - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-06-2016, 06:03 PM
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Re: My Fiance left without proper closure...help!

He's a passive aggressive douche. Tell him to stay gone, while you go find an adult male to date.
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post #17 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-06-2016, 06:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My Fiance left without proper closure...help!

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How long did you know him before you moved in together and did he move in to your place? Also, why did your son move from living with his bio mom to living with you?
We were together for 6 months before he moved in to my place. About 3 months after that is when his son's bio mom decided her son should come stay with us. I did not think it was a great idea since we are just adjusting and bring a third person will complicate things even more.

His son been living with us for a whole year before his son told his bio mom that he wanted to be back with her. Per my fiance, they just showed up and packed his son stuff up.

I have no kids.
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post #18 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-06-2016, 06:36 PM
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Re: My Fiance left without proper closure...help!

Wow, a teenager who had to be yelled at to brush his teeth? How awful.
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post #19 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-07-2016, 05:53 AM
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Re: My Fiance left without proper closure...help!

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I have been with fiance for close to two years. Soon after we moved in with each other, his son came and started to live with us.
I'd be real curious to know if this arrangement - his obnoxious, disrespectful teenage kid moving in with both of you - had been discussed BEFORE you moved in together? Or, was it just thrown in your lap one day afteryou started living together?

I'm thinking it's the latter.

Look, that was your house your boyfriend moved into and quite honestly, he's got a brass set of cajones just expecting you to become insta-stepmom and move his kid in and start taking care of him when you barely were getting used to living with each other. I'm willing to bet your ex had no problem letting you do the kid's laundry, pick up after him, clean up the house after him, cook his meals for him and do everything ELSE the kid needed.

Funny how that works, isn't it?

Yet he apparently thought it was just fine that the kid continually disrespected you in your OWN home.

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Well, I am super confused now. I guess he is taking his son leaving as fully my fault. He only took some clothing and left everything else behind. What should I do next? Should I box the rest of his stuff because I have no clue if this means it is the end or what. Please help as I am still feeling very numbed and not sure what to do next.
Who gives a crap what Mr. Self Entitled thinks. This ass seems to think anyone he gets involved with has to bend over backwards for he and his kid who is obviously the result of bad parenting. That's what you get when you over-indulge kids - a disrespectful little brat like his son.

Throw his stuff in a few Hefty bags and let him know he's got one week to come get his sh*t or you'll be dumping it at the AmVets bin.

I'm not sure what 'closure' you think you need. You GOT your closure. This self-entitled douche bag up and left you without a word - he showed you EXACTLY who he is. I think he did you a HUGE favor - you just don't realize it yet.

Last edited by She'sStillGotIt; 08-07-2016 at 06:04 AM.
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post #20 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-07-2016, 06:03 AM
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Re: My Fiance left without proper closure...help!

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Thanks for all the support! It would be much easier if he just came out and said that he decided to go on with his life with his son because his son refuse to live with us together. The silent or no answer is the toughest part of it.
So, you find weasel behavior like this - acting like a sneaky little coward and moving out of the house while you're at work so you have to come home to the devastation of having been deserted - ACCEPTABLE?

You're actually going to overlook this disgustingly disrespectful behavior and let HIM decide whether this sham of a relationship is over or not?

Please find your dignity. You're literally letting this low life walk all over you and then begging for crumbs from him. Ugh.
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post #21 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-07-2016, 08:49 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My Fiance left without proper closure...help!

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So, you find weasel behavior like this - acting like a sneaky little coward and moving out of the house while you're at work so you have to come home to the devastation of having been deserted - ACCEPTABLE?

You're actually going to overlook this disgustingly disrespectful behavior and let HIM decide whether this sham of a relationship is over or not?

Please find your dignity. You're literally letting this low life walk all over you and then begging for crumbs from him. Ugh.
For every story, there are his side, my side and the truth. The truth is I really had a hard time adjusting to his son. Especially, after the 8 months point, when I saw little to no improvement. I was so disappointed in him that I tried my best not to engage in him. It was at this time that his son started his rude behavior. The truth of the matter is it is what it is because all three of us handled it poorly. If one out of the three have better EQ, it would not have gotten this bad. I see it as all three of us had fault and is now feeling the pain our choices landed us.

I am not going to let him decided if this relationship is going forward or not. I will decide once I know the whole story. I need the whole story to determine if this was something I could forgive or not. My gut is telling me whatever he said to his son on Monday deeply hurt his son to the point that it permanently damaged a father & son relationship. What if his son told him he never want to see him again and that is what caused him to mentally have a meltdown? Or could the bio mom overreacted sine she only hear her son part and is now refusing to share custody? I just want and need to know the story before I know what path I should take. To me, this does not equate to me having no dignity.
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post #22 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-07-2016, 10:05 AM
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Re: My Fiance left without proper closure...help!

Something like 70% of second marriages fail. And most of the time they fail because of this type of situation with step-children. I know that you are not married, but I think you have the same dynamic going on. It's just very hard to make this work.
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post #23 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-07-2016, 10:19 AM
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Re: My Fiance left without proper closure...help!

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For every story, there are his side, my side and the truth.
We responded based on just the facts of him leaving and the way he left. That is the truth

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I am not going to let him decided if this relationship is going forward or not. I will decide once I know the whole story. I need the whole story to determine if this was something I could forgive or not.
Ok, but you must understand you might never get the whole story or the truthful story

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What if his son told him he never want to see him again and that is what caused him to mentally have a meltdown? Or could the bio mom overreacted sine she only hear her son part and is now refusing to share custody?
You are probably being overly dramatic. Probably a million teenagers today will tell there parents or step parents that they never want to see them again. That is part of being a teenager.

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He stated he need some alone time. He have informed his work that he will need a couple of months off and that i should not contact him for at least a couple of weeks.
He is taking two months off from work?? Really?? Who does that? And what employer allows that, unless under the FMLA? What were the circumstances under which he divorced and how long ago was that? Any chance that he moved back in with ex-wife and he told you he left his job so that you do not go to see him? And is he REALLY with his brother from out of state? Maybe not.

Last edited by blueinbr; 08-07-2016 at 10:27 AM.
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post #24 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-07-2016, 10:25 AM
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Re: My Fiance left without proper closure...help!

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post #25 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-07-2016, 11:00 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My Fiance left without proper closure...help!

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He is taking two months off from work?? Really?? Who does that? And what employer allows that, unless under the FMLA? What were the circumstances under which he divorced and how long ago was that? Any chance that he moved back in with ex-wife and he told you he left his job so that you do not go to see him? And is he REALLY with his brother from out of state? Maybe not.

He work for himself. Yes, it sound really strange that someone can just stop working. That is why I a part of me is thinking he must be a mess right now. He was never married to the bio mom of his son. He caught her cheating on him and he left. She have since gotten married and just had a new born so I doubt he is with her.

Could he have lied about going to live with his brother? Yes but there is really no way for me to find out so I can only accept what was on the note. The only way I can find out is go to his brother's and check but I am not that crazy to do it. LOL

I accept the fact that this could very well mean the end of this relationship. Given he is or was my fiance and not just someone I dated with, I think I should give him some compassion if all he wrote in his note were true. Compassion does not mean I think he handled things well. Compassion means I will empathize this and not jump to conclusion.

I suspect most of you guys are parent. I do not have a kid of my own but I can imagine the struggle that he is facing when two person he love just do not get along. Most parent I know would immediate pick the kid side and leave the drama, but he didn't.

Yes, there is probably no fixing anything but that does not mean I have to hate him as well or call him names. I do not agree with his action. We all have made poor decision or handle things poorly because of our emotion. To be 100% truthful, my heart is telling me it is over because I probably will not be able to forgive him even if he comes back. I just did not like the fact that I was told to have more dignity because I wanted to have more empathy.

To me, it takes more strength to put my own emotion aside and give compassion. We as people can give compassion to stranger so why I am I not allowed to be more compassionate to someone that I loved so much that we were thinking about getting married?

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post #26 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-07-2016, 11:19 AM
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Re: My Fiance left without proper closure...help!

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I not allowed
You are allowed to be anything you want. We are not judging you but instead trying to prod you along out of this relationship that most of us think is bad for you. You will leave in your own time, under your own terms, or not leave at all. The choice is yours alone.

Also be aware that the advice may change as you post more information, or the advice might soften. But some people will post after reading only your initial post, not having read the whole thread. This is more likely as your thread becomes longer.

Do you think he has commitment issues? He did not marry is baby mama, and he is cutting and running on you, despite the engagement. The others are however right in that it is better you learn this now rather than after marriage. It still hurts, and hurts alot.

It is also possible that he asked the bio mom to pick up the kid because your fiance was ready to leave and he wanted to make sure the kid was ok before leaving.

Any chance teenage told Dad (he lied) that you were cheating on him, as a way for the kid to get back at you? That could send F off on an emotional breakdown and also explain his reluctance to talk to you. The possibilities are endless.

Take some time to grieve the relationship and do box up his stuff. If he comes back you still will have to decide to keep him or not. If he asks why did you box his stuff, tell him that truth - that you did not think he was coming back and you wanted to make sure he got his stuff back.

And it would not be undignified of you to call or text his brother in a week just to make sure he is doing ok. You don't have to talk to him.

So what are you doing today to make yourself feel "better"?
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post #27 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-07-2016, 11:36 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My Fiance left without proper closure...help!

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You are allowed to be anything you want. We are not judging you but instead trying to prod you along out of this relationship that most of us think is bad for you. You will leave in your own time, under your own terms, or not leave at all. The choice is yours alone.

Also be aware that the advice may change as you post more information, or the advice might soften. But some people will post after reading only your initial post, not having read the whole thread. This is more likely as your thread becomes longer.

Do you think he has commitment issues? He did not marry is baby mama, and he is cutting and running on you, despite the engagement. The others are however right in that it is better you learn this now rather than after marriage. It still hurts, and hurts alot.

It is also possible that he asked the bio mom to pick up the kid because your fiance was ready to leave and he wanted to make sure the kid was ok before leaving.

Any chance teenage told Dad (he lied) that you were cheating on him, as a way for the kid to get back at you? That could send F off on an emotional breakdown and also explain his reluctance to talk to you. The possibilities are endless.

Take some time to grieve the relationship and do box up his stuff. If he comes back you still will have to decide to keep him or not. If he asks why did you box his stuff, tell him that truth - that you did not think he was coming back and you wanted to make sure he got his stuff back.

And it would not be undignified of you to call or text his brother in a week just to make sure he is doing ok. You don't have to talk to him.

So what are you doing today to make yourself feel "better"?
He does not have commitment issue. He never married his kid's mom because he just does not love her in that way. This kid was an accident and he stayed in the relationship due to it.

I am quite sure he is drinking himself till he pass out. He is not good with handling stress. I have put a lot of stress on him to fix the issue with his son because I see it as a major issue. To him, I am an additional stress that he just cannot handle. If everything was planned, I am pretty sure I would have came home to an empty house Thursday.

Yes, maturity level wise he is not good for me at all. He is not mature at age 40. However, he does love me to pieces and I do love him just as much back. It is just unforunate that there is a third person in this relationship (his son) that is affecting it.

I am heading out to go eat with mom today. I am just able to bring myself to tell her what is going on. Thanks for the support and understanding!
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post #28 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-07-2016, 12:21 PM
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Re: My Fiance left without proper closure...help!

Do you really want to be married to someone that runs away when things get hard?
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post #29 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-07-2016, 12:48 PM
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Re: My Fiance left without proper closure...help!

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The closure I am looking for is if everything is over. Now I just dont know where thing stands. I understand it is painful for him to hear his son no longer wants to live with us but he should at least tell me things are over.
Why would you want to stay with this guy? He left you. Didn't tell you why. You should want it over, and if you go back with him, he will do it again, because you are telling him that he calls all the shots. He decides if the relationship is still in tact, he decides the next steps, etc.

I'd not contact him. I'd move on, heal and eventually some day...you will meet a man worthy of YOU.
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post #30 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-07-2016, 01:14 PM
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Re: My Fiance left without proper closure...help!

The Wormy Whiny Crab Apple did not fall far from the tree.

Your Fiancée's son hated to be told "anything"...hence, rebellious....spoiled...untrained.

Your Fiancée hated to be told "anything"....hence, rebellious....spoiled...untrained. He did not like YOU telling him how to discipline HIS son. Conflict Avoiding Twit, he be.

Your Fiancée is not disciplined...so, how can "Laxity in Motion" stabilize a wayward Teen?

Now you know why is EX dumped him.....or he fled the Stables...out the barn door.

Immature head atop an Middle-Age Dufuss.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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