My Fiance left without proper closure...help! - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-07-2016, 06:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My Fiance left without proper closure...help!

I am starting to wonder where did I say I will call him, forgive him, marry him, beg him, or ask him to stay with me. All I said was I am going to respect his need for space and use this time for myself. I do not plan to just go pick up another man right now so what is the hurry of making a decision when I do not have his side of the story. I am going on with my life as if he will be gone forever. If he reach out to me, I will hear him out and then decide what is best for me at that time. If I do not hear from him ever, then I would have healed by then and can move on as well.

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post #32 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-07-2016, 08:36 PM
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Re: My Fiance left without proper closure...help!

OP, stepmum here. 5 years in, 3 years married. My circumstances are little different to yours in that I came into my SD's life while she was still only little - you came into your SS's when he was a teen - that's a big difference. A whole different ballgame altogether, and much harder to navigate.

Take out the SS issue for a moment. Do you honestly want to be with a man who just ups and leaves when things get tough? All relationships go through tough times, you don't just bail! How do you know he wouldn't do this again? Can you really live like that? Too scared to speak up in case he leaves you?

I often find myself wondering when parents became such wussy sooks. A teenager should not need reminding to brush his teeth. A friend of mine is a kindergarten teacher and is often shocked at the number of children who aren't toilet trained, or can't wipe their own butts! Four year olds. One parent said to her on the first day of kinder this year "My son has never heard the word no". My friend replied "He will this year!".

When our generation were kids our parents didn't ask us, they told us to do things and we did them. My parents weren't overly strict or authoritarian but they were the parents, they made the rules and we the kids did as we were told. When did it change to kids running the house?

Anyway, that ^^ is neither here or there, it's not the kids fault that neither of his parents have bothered to teach him life skills. The problem isn't the child, it's his father.

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Originally Posted by gigi9999 View Post
I have put a lot of stress on him to fix the issue with his son because I see it as a major issue.

Yes, maturity level wise he is not good for me at all. He is not mature at age 40. However, he does love me to pieces and I do love him just as much back. It is just unfortunate that there is a third person in this relationship (his son) that is affecting it.
That's because it IS major issue. You were right to bring it up.

He loves you so much that he just ups and leaves, skulking away while you're at work because he doesn't have the b@lls to face you?

If I were you I would send him ONE text. Tell him that you consider his leaving to be abandonment of the relationship (because that's what it is), you'll box up his things and they'll be on the verandah at 3 pm on X day to collect. If he doesn't collect them you'll give them to charity. Or take them to his brothers - his family can deal with it. Real men don't just up and leave honey.

Don't sit around waiting for HIM to decide what's going to happen with YOUR life.
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post #33 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-07-2016, 09:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My Fiance left without proper closure...help!

Frusdil - What you are saying is what I am trying to process right now. I am trying to see if I think I can forgive or trust him.

Initially when I saw his note, I wanted to react and immediately was about to call him and say we are over. I started looking for boxes in the house to pack up the rest of his clothing. While doing it, it all the sudden hit me that he could not have talked to me about his need for space to sort himself out because I would have broken it off with him or just keep asking him questions. He would then have to work on smoothing things with me instead of taking care of himself. In the past, no matter what he was going through, if I am unhappy he always put himself aside and take care of me first so it is only fair for me to do this for him this time.

Even if he comes back tonight, I probably will tell him to leave and give me space to think things through. I need time to process if I can trust him again. Once I have that answer, I will know if I want this relationship or not.

Throughout my life, I have not been one that have empathy while I am in pain. When I am in pain, I tend to react very selfishly. This time I just want to relax a bit and be a bit less selfish. I believe this is the only way I can really make the correct decision whether if it is I accept him or not. For whatever reason, I believe I need to work this out on my own terms (not his) so I can become a better person at the end.

Believe me, if I read a story like this, I would have suggested the same thing like what you are telling me. =P
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post #34 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-07-2016, 11:19 PM
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Re: My Fiance left without proper closure...help!

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Originally Posted by gigi9999 View Post
Frusdil - What you are saying is what I am trying to process right now. I am trying to see if I think I can forgive or trust him.

Initially when I saw his note, I wanted to react and immediately was about to call him and say we are over. I started looking for boxes in the house to pack up the rest of his clothing. While doing it, it all the sudden hit me that he could not have talked to me about his need for space to sort himself out because I would have broken it off with him or just keep asking him questions. He would then have to work on smoothing things with me instead of taking care of himself. In the past, no matter what he was going through, if I am unhappy he always put himself aside and take care of me first so it is only fair for me to do this for him this time.

Even if he comes back tonight, I probably will tell him to leave and give me space to think things through. I need time to process if I can trust him again. Once I have that answer, I will know if I want this relationship or not.

Throughout my life, I have not been one that have empathy while I am in pain. When I am in pain, I tend to react very selfishly. This time I just want to relax a bit and be a bit less selfish. I believe this is the only way I can really make the correct decision whether if it is I accept him or not. For whatever reason, I believe I need to work this out on my own terms (not his) so I can become a better person at the end.

Believe me, if I read a story like this, I would have suggested the same thing like what you are telling me. =P
Honey, you two aren't just dating...you're living together and engaged to be married AND there's a child involved. He doesn't get to just "I need space" and up and leave because he's stressed! It doesn't work like that. Of course you'll ask him questions and want to talk it through - that's what grown ups do.

What happens when you're married and a stressful issue surfaces?
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post #35 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-08-2016, 01:12 AM
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Re: My Fiance left without proper closure...help!

gigi9999, if you look at your first post and see where you are now, you will see how your thoughts are coming together with patience and understanding to what your Fiancé's actions have meant to your relationship. As you said, your own terms are the important mind at this point and showing yourself patience and compassion to not rush into any decision is your best ally right now, you truly need this to be complete.

As always said, all you can control is you, but that is all that is necessary as your self-awareness of all this comes to the clarity you need for your commitment to whatever path you take. The confusion in your words at the beginning are not as prominent, listening to you as you work things out tell me you see your role with more strength, use that as you weigh your trust in whether your relationship can survive the risk.

If he is too overwhelmed to communicate in the here and now, then your hurdles may be too great and the breakdown too much to overcome... his openness and communication are critical in the next few days if you are to have any confidence in your future.

If the decision is to try to continue in the relationship and I were in your shoes with the love you know, my Fiancé would have to go through some dedicated counseling before I would consider entering into any additional commitment. 3-6 months is nothing compared to the grief of having this happen again, possibly after being married, and have to sort through many additional hurdles. In that time, it may not help if you are living together and might should have separate households so that he can focus on the things he needs to and not deal with the distractions, and he needs to do it for himself so he can learn to deal with the stresses that drive him to these actions. If you remain in a relationship during this time, perhaps arrange weekly dates to talk and rebuild such trust as is needed while he is in his counseling.

Doors open and close for many reasons... but never forget that the keys are often in your own pocket, use them with confidence.
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post #36 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-08-2016, 12:59 PM Thread Starter
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Yes, my view have changed. Mostly because friends and more importantly my mom and stepdad all think I should hear him out first. This is the reason I am doing some self reflection as to what I have done to cause him to react this way.

To me, the most important part is learn from this and improve myself with our without this relationship.
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