My Fiance left without proper closure...help! - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-06-2016, 09:31 AM Thread Starter
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My Fiance left without proper closure...help!

I have been with fiance for close to two years. Soon after we moved in with each other, his son came and started to live with us. I have a lot of difficulties adjusting to it because his son lack the basic skill a teenager his age should have. Basically, he have to be reminded of everything from brushing teeth to bathing. We tried many methods to work these issue with no success. While going through all these, the tension between his son and me grew as well to the point this boy will not even say hi or bye to me. Early this week, I asked my fiance to have a talk with him because I do not find this behavior to be acceptable. The evening after the talk, everyone started to act more normal. However, the next day I found out the biological mom came and picked the boy up. I think nothing of it because it is quite normal for her to do everything on her own schedule. Two days later, I returned from work and found out the boy have moved out. I asked my fiance what happened and he just say he no longer wants to live here. I pressed for more info and my fiance said he needed more time to work through this before he can talk about it. The next day I went to work like normal but returned to an empty house with a note from my fiance. He stated he need some alone time. He have informed his work that he will need a couple of months off and that i should not contact him for at least a couple of weeks.

Well, I am super confused now. I guess he is taking his son leaving as fully my fault. He only took some clothing and left everything else behind. What should I do next? Should I box the rest of his stuff because I have no clue if this means it is the end or what. Please help as I am still feeling very numbed and not sure what to do next.

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post #2 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-06-2016, 09:51 AM
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Re: My Fiance left without proper closure...help!

I know you are in shock at this sudden turn of events, so take some time to decide any action about the belongings. I would box them up and put them in an unused room or the garage.

But think about this. You dated to determine if you and him were compatible. You both passes that test, at least initially. So you set a marriage date. But typically a person is at their best during the courting phase. If he just cuts and runs without explanation when times get tough, do you think that will get better AFTER you marriage? I sure don't. And most TAMers where would agree.

Your fiance has baggage and issues that he needs to work out. In the meantime, make sure not to spend any more money on the wedding and look to see what you have to do to get any deposits back, if possible.

You should go about YOUR life for the next 1-2 months to determine what YOU want. It will help you if you get back together or if you do not.

BTW, you did nothing wrong. The behavior of the son is on him, his dad and his money. Your only "fault" was trying to help the som become a normal person.

Do not chase your fiance or beg him. Otherwise, you will set up a pattern that you will regret the rest of your life.

Last edited by blueinbr; 08-06-2016 at 05:17 PM.
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post #3 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-06-2016, 10:02 AM
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Re: My Fiance left without proper closure...help!

I am not sure you would know what is your fault, he hasn't communicated that with you, so until then simply know that this something that you should learn from.

By learn from, it is clear how poorly he does communicate and that he would leave you with only a note tells you that this is not a person you may be able to grow with.

Respectfully box up all his stuff (this is for self, not for him), send him one communication when he can collect it, and change the locks if he still has a key as he has relinquished his rights to fair access to you and your home. This is not done out of spite, this is again for you so you can have closure and open your heart and mind to understand why you chose a person who would leave you in such a disrespectful manner and find a partner that will be better in communicating and dedicated to working with you to solve problems together.

I think you held your standards well, communicated well, and had expectations that it would be resolved well... now you will have to find the acceptance that this was not the right person for you.

Be with peace...
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post #4 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-06-2016, 10:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My Fiance left without proper closure...help!

Part of me see why he left the way he did. His personality is one that bottle things up. I am a typical girl that wants to talk about issue. It create a lot of stress on him because all he want is space. I am not trying to find excuses for him. What he did is wrong but I understand he is in pain. He even went so far as to say he is going through a mid-life crisis.

I feel like my heart is in pieces but for some reason I cannot even cry. I have no idea what to do at this point since everything is just so confusion to me. I just feel like time have stopped for me.
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post #5 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-06-2016, 10:55 AM
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Re: My Fiance left without proper closure...help!

I can't say that I've ever felt "closure" when a relationship ends. And it's never been one thing, it's always been a build-up of things that don't get resolved.

If the "dumper" (the person who initiates the split) doesn't communicate well, or if the "dumpee" (the person who feels like the victim afterwards) doesn't fully comprehend the issues or their gravity, then when the split finally happens, the "dumpee" thinks it was only that one last thing that came up.

My ex, from a 10-year LTR, to this day, sends me birthday and holiday wishes, always ended with "there was no reason for us to part". Poor thing.

There are three kinds of business. Your business, my business and God's business. Whose business are you in? -Byron Katie
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post #6 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-06-2016, 11:18 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My Fiance left without proper closure...help!

The closure I am looking for is if everything is over. Now I just dont know where thing stands. I understand it is painful for him to hear his son no longer wants to live with us but he should at least tell me things are over.
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post #7 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-06-2016, 11:33 AM
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Re: My Fiance left without proper closure...help!

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Originally Posted by gigi9999 View Post
Part of me see why he left the way he did. His personality is one that bottle things up. I am a typical girl that wants to talk about issue. It create a lot of stress on him because all he want is space. I am not trying to find excuses for him. What he did is wrong but I understand he is in pain. He even went so far as to say he is going through a mid-life crisis.

I feel like my heart is in pieces but for some reason I cannot even cry. I have no idea what to do at this point since everything is just so confusion to me. I just feel like time have stopped for me.
Such is fair, you are assessing eyes wide open in this area of your relationship and you have compassion for why he is searching like he is... but life together requires paths together and in that is now also the silence that comes with it as well, it is painful I know. Making such a statement as feeling he is in a "mid-life crisis" is letting you know he is very unsettled by things he cannot identify at the present, or as you shared, will not talk about. Whether he is or isn't is something only he can initially sort out. If he opens up and allows you to be part then it will be much easier. Perhaps his abandonment is a one time sorting, but adult relationships are voluntary -all the time. If there is not full commitment, there will never be a full relationship.

While it seems to stand still, moment to moment is happening and makes the difference. There are moments in this that it is perfectly fine to take the time to find what exactly is confusing you, if you can identify those areas then you can rebuild the confidence you need to make good decisions for yourself.

Believe in yourself, take the time you now have to identify where you are, where you need to be, and how you need to place yourself there. Find a peaceful place to meditate or calm yourself so that when the right time comes you will have the clarity you need for sound decisions.

He is your Fiancé... these things are meant to be sorted out in this time, hope for the best but prepare yourself for the things you can strengthen within so that if this does not end the way you wish, it will give you the foundation for building something new that you can stand on tomorrow.
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post #8 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-06-2016, 11:38 AM
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Re: My Fiance left without proper closure...help!

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Originally Posted by DustyDog View Post
I can't say that I've ever felt "closure" when a relationship ends. And it's never been one thing, it's always been a build-up of things that don't get resolved.

If the "dumper" (the person who initiates the split) doesn't communicate well, or if the "dumpee" (the person who feels like the victim afterwards) doesn't fully comprehend the issues or their gravity, then when the split finally happens, the "dumpee" thinks it was only that one last thing that came up.

My ex, from a 10-year LTR, to this day, sends me birthday and holiday wishes, always ended with "there was no reason for us to part". Poor thing.
Closure is acceptance and forgiveness for yourself... either side, just the same.
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post #9 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-06-2016, 12:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My Fiance left without proper closure...help!

Thanks for all the support! It would be much easier if he just came out and said that he decided to go on with his life with his son because his son refuse to live with us together. The silent or no answer is the toughest part of it.
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post #10 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-06-2016, 02:16 PM
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Re: My Fiance left without proper closure...help!

He may want time to decide if it's really over or he may already have decided that it is and just not told you. Unfortunately, some people don't communicate well -- and don't want to learn how to.

Be glad you found that out before you married him.

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post #11 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-06-2016, 02:33 PM
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Re: My Fiance left without proper closure...help!

From the brief story you wrote it seems likely that his son didn't want to be told what to do by you, and rebelled.

That is indeed a tough situation to be in when you're in that step parent role, especially when the kids have major problems. Do you sit back and do nothing or do you try to make things better? In retrospect you could have let dad handle it and just give dad some suggestions as to how to handle his troublesome child.

Probably Dad took offense to what he perceived as you over stepping or he felt he had to make a choice between his son and you.

Unfortunate.
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post #12 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-06-2016, 05:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My Fiance left without proper closure...help!

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From the brief story you wrote it seems likely that his son didn't want to be told what to do by you, and rebelled.

That is indeed a tough situation to be in when you're in that step parent role, especially when the kids have major problems. Do you sit back and do nothing or do you try to make things better? In retrospect you could have let dad handle it and just give dad some suggestions as to how to handle his troublesome child.

Probably Dad took offense to what he perceived as you over stepping or he felt he had to make a choice between his son and you.

Unfortunate.
I tried to let my fiance handle things but that just ended up being the kid goes without brushing his teeth for days because he does not check on him. I have asked my fiance how he would like to get this behavior to change and he could not come up with any idea other than keep reminding him. I really wanted him to help me adjust and take the lead to resolve the issue but he have no clue how not to be a weekend dad. To him, his kid is just forgetful. I tried backing off and that is when I realized the kid was failing his classes because he was not doing homework. He will come home and tell us that he finished his homework at school. I realized something does not sound right because it was happening daily. I asked my fiance to check and he just reply that he believe his son until I found his hidden report card and showed it to him. Yes, there are a number of time I lost my coolness because simple things just keep on repeating even after we put a whiteboard and wrote it all down on it.

The strangest part to this all is that for a whole month my fiance suggested sending his kid back to his mom so that it does not destroy our relationship. I kept telling him we need to solve the issue because sending him away does not resolve anything. The resentment is there already so that really needs to be resolved. All I ever wanted was his son to start acting responsible and respectful.

To me, something he told his son earlier in the week is what caused his son to want to move out. Because that evening, he was acting politely with me. I am just not sure what my fiance told him that day that caused his son to ask his mom to come pick him up the very next day.
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post #13 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-06-2016, 05:20 PM
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Re: My Fiance left without proper closure...help!

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Thanks for all the support! It would be much easier if he just came out and said that he decided to go on with his life with his son because his son refuse to live with us together. The silent or no answer is the toughest part of it.
The silent or no answer IS an answer.
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post #14 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-06-2016, 05:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My Fiance left without proper closure...help!

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The silent or no answer IS an answer.
If he took his son and moved out then I have an answer. Instead, his son is with his bio mom and he went to his brother who is out of the state.
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post #15 of 36 (permalink) Old 08-06-2016, 05:50 PM
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Re: My Fiance left without proper closure...help!

How long did you know him before you moved in together and did he move in to your place? Also, why did your son move from living with his bio mom to living with you?
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