The Family & Parenting ForumsFamily dynamics can be exactly that - dynamic! Post here about family related issues such as parenting, blended families, step-families, new relationships with children involved, family of origin issues, in-laws or sibling issues.
This is something I have concerns with, as I survived first marriage without any children, thankfully, but will most likely be a first time dad at 40 or 41 years old with my second wife who is in her early 30's and whose clock is ticking LOUDLY.
I fear about how much intimacy will be lost as a result.
I fear about how much weight she will gain and whether or not I will want a second child if she doesn't first take off the weight gain from the first child.
To my wife, "life does not begin" until parenthood but I feel as if I've lived a very full life and experienced so much without yet having children. Being childless does allow one to enjoy a lot of freedom and when I hear of a married couple with children being out on a "date night" that kind of makes me cringe because, for the moment, date night for my wife and I is, in fact, whenever we want it to be and at least a couple nights a week, as opposed to one or two times a month.
With that said, however, I do think that emotionally we are prepared for parenthood, although, financially, I wish we were in a better place and that worries me, as every month seems a struggle just to pay the mortgage but we are not yet ready to throw in the towel and sell the home, although doing so would allow us a little breathing room as we could lease a similar home for significantly less...but who knows when we'd be ready to buy another home as it is not like we'd end up with enough leftover for a down payment on another home...had to refi the house to payoff the ex-wife, unfortunately.
Charm: your concerns are very valid. You need to have some VERY specific disussions w/ your wife.
Is she going to go back to work after the kids? Can't tell you how many men I know where the wife gauranteed that she would go back to work after the kids. Guess what. Kids came along and wife didn't go back to work. Nothing wrong with that except that the husbands are furious. But now are powerless. Even after the kids are in school the wives are not working. Bait and switch.
Find out how your wife will accomodate you sexually after kids. Do you want it once, twice, 3 times / week? You better make that deal very specific so that you can hold her to it. Before everyone flames me, yes, I know, she's tired, kids are demanding, etc etc. But after a reasonable timeframe your original agreement should be valid. and you have every right to ask for what you want.
Before the first kid, we agreed that she would go back to work. She did. Before the 2nd kid, I told my wife that I would not change diapers. I would rather not have another one if I had to do diapers. Guess what. I did not do diapers. Oh sure if I were home alone with the kids, I did change them. But if my wife was available she had to do it. There was no resentment on her part because she knew in advance what the deal was.
Bottom line, figure out specifically what you need to have your sanity post kids, BEFORE you have the kids. If you don't ask in advance you are asking for trouble.
Why would you think that you are above changing YOUR CHILD'S diapers?
You miss the point. There's nothing sinister here. These were my concerns. I articulated them. My wife agreed to them. She got another child. My concerns were agreed upon in advance and met after the birth. Everyone is happy. If I leave these concerns unspoken, they probably will not be met.
My wife REALLY wanted another child. I needed more convincing, for a variety of reasons, one of those was changing smelly diapers. This agreement demonstrated to me how important the child was to my wife.
This is how compromising and working together happens, no?
If you and your wife think that a father should be exempt from changing his child's diapers, that obviously works for you.
Everybody is different. If we had a baby, my husband would have to change our infant as well. After all, I cannot get myself pregnant.
LOL. Yeah i realize my diaper thing might be considered trivial to some. And I had concerns about sex frequency as well. But it was very empowering for both of us to define what the ideal situation would look like (for both of us) after kids. When people try to hide their concerns bad things happen. By Bringing them into the light we could negotiate and get that win-win situation going. I love my wife. She knows how to argue correctly. We dont' attack each other. We focus on the problem, like it's an external entity.
Whew, I read through the first FIVE pages, so I'm not entirely informed but I'd like to add my 2cs.
I have been married for a decade and my wife is now at the cut off age and she is STILL unsure, meaning on most days she flat out rejects the notion, while on some days she does seem to wonder what it might be like.
I am not unsure about my feelings; I am scared to death that she will turn into a 'mommy' and I will lose my 'wife'.
While we have been around others' children all our lives (and, yes, we've always heard how different it is when they are YOURS), when we would curl up together on the sofa or hold each other on warm sunny mornings in bed, without any cries, shouts or blasting tvs, etc serving to distract and disturb us while we cuddle, nuzzle and screw like mad we entirely loved being and admiring children . . . from a distance - but what we would miss would be heartrending!
I worry that we would not know or respect each other any more, that her (and my own) figure will go (in my experience as an urban professional parents later if not sooner sorely lack the time or inclination to look after theirselves as diligently as their childfree counterparts), that our shared almost pathological impulsivity will diminish, that our mutually supportive advocacy will be sacrificed on the sacrosanct altar of 'sacrificing for the kids', that our comfort in being comfortably quiet together without being unnerving or intrusive will dissipate, that our joy in patiently exploring rewarding intimacy and enriching and tasty sex will be postponed until we no longer desire it (with each other), that we will dismiss all those who are also childfree because they are simply too painful to be around and remind us of the death or our own poor souls. Hmmm. . . maybe that last one was a bit hyperbolic.
As a man who looks back to all of our years together with love and fondness, I am fraught with misgivings concerning this altogether unpredictable course (children). I think you get the picture.
Anyhow, I have left my fingerprints on all those I have shared with intentionally or not during the course of my lifetime, even subatomically: I don't need a mini-me to reassure me that my existence was meaningful-I know it has been. Now, does my wife?
Whew, I read through the first FIVE pages, so I'm not entirely informed but I'd like to add my 2cs.
I have been married for a decade and my wife is now at the cut off age and she is STILL unsure, meaning on most days she flat out rejects the notion, while on some days she does seem to wonder what it might be like.
I am not unsure about my feelings; I am scared to death that she will turn into a 'mommy' and I will lose my 'wife'.
While we have been around others' children all our lives (and, yes, we've always heard how different it is when they are YOURS), when we would curl up together on the sofa or hold each other on warm sunny mornings in bed, without any cries, shouts or blasting tvs, etc serving to distract and disturb us while we cuddle, nuzzle and screw like mad we entirely loved being and admiring children . . . from a distance - but what we would miss would be heartrending! This is just like my husband and I. You captured the joys of childfreedom in such an articulate way.
I worry that we would not know or respect each other any more, that her (and my own) figure will go (in my experience as an urban professional parents later if not sooner sorely lack the time or inclination to look after theirselves as diligently as their childfree counterparts), that our shared almost pathological impulsivity will diminish, that our mutually supportive advocacy will be sacrificed on the sacrosanct altar of 'sacrificing for the kids', that our comfort in being comfortably quiet together without being unnerving or intrusive will dissipate, that our joy in patiently exploring rewarding intimacy and enriching and tasty sex will be postponed until we no longer desire it (with each other), that we will dismiss all those who are also childfree because they are simply too painful to be around and remind us of the death or our own poor souls. Hmmm. . . maybe that last one was a bit hyperbolic. We have those fears too. That is why my husband is getting The Big Snip next week.
As a man who looks back to all of our years together with love and fondness, I am fraught with misgivings concerning this altogether unpredictable course (children). I think you get the picture.
Anyhow, I have left my fingerprints on all those I have shared with intentionally or not during the course of my lifetime, even subatomically: I don't need a mini-me to reassure me that my existence was meaningful-I know it has been. Now, does my wife?
Hey, I appreciate all the parents out there and maybe one day I'll choose that route, but, regardless, I see satisfaction and joy in either direction and I can't shake the very real fear that once with child the emphasis whether intentionally or not shifts towards the child, not the spouse. Again, my 2cs.
Hey, I appreciate all the parents out there and maybe one day I'll choose that route, but, regardless, I see satisfaction and joy in either direction and I can't shake the very real fear that once with child the emphasis whether intentionally or not shifts towards the child, not the spouse...
..and that shift, is exactly as it should be. Make no mistake about it.
I ask because I got talking to come guy friends recently about this (after a couple of drinks - our macho-guards were down!) and opinions varied wildly. For myself, having our 2 boys definitely brought us closer together - sure we snapped at each other a bit when we were tired after a tough night, and our sex life suffered in the short term more due to lack of energy/opportunity than desire - but having a common 'job' of being a parent made us feel more like a team. That contrasts with some of my friends who, although they adore their kids, see them as this massive obstacle to being closer to their wives, almost seeing the kids as competitors for their wife's attention, and it creates friction in their relationship. Just wondering what your experiences are?
My husband was a wonderful father to our girls...when they were children. We were kind of the enviable family, we had a very good life.
When the eldest got to be about 12 or so, (she had to ALWAYS have the last word) the arguments really started a huge down turn in my marriage. I was sick of the referee role, my daughter did not UNDERSTAND her part in her role, and my husband did not give a shoot about what anyone had to say.
I work with teenagers, everyday. I am very used to their way of speaking and thinking and acting. I saw my daughters snottiness for what it was.. jerkwater "teenager mouth". To my husband, it was all just disrespect that needed to be controlled/disciplined/fixed....
He never listened to me. I lost a great deal of respect (and probably love) for him during those years. He would argue like a child himself, everything was everybody elses fault---and I always wondered what happened to the man I married.
Surely, I know there were other things that he had on his plate, work crisis and turning 40 yadda yadda... and a mouthy teenager is not what he felt like addressing at home. I got that--
But- His reactions lowered my respect for him. I thought aliens had taken him.
Good news is that (with "Mouthy" at university) things have gotten much better at home. He never made peace with her at home, but at school they seem to be better.. Second daughter a more mellow, "pleaser" and, at 15 they have had a few tiffs, but not anything like WWIII that happened during the last 5 (almost 6)years.
So I guess, children added to the marriage, but teenagers kind of sank it (for a few years anyway). I hope we can recover, I hope my children can recover their relationships with their father.
We got pregnant within 2 months of dating and then moved in together and got married 1.5 years later. I already had a daughter who was 8.
I don't think they are hard on a marriage O.o You just have to make priorities. I am not up my kids' asses all day. I devote time to the house, me, my husband...my kids do what they do and we hang out, but life is not all about the kids in this house.
We have a good balance with kids and our alone time. We spend every evening together after the kids go to bed.
I love my girls Sometimes I wished we would have traveled more, but that time will come.
I couldn't be more on the same page as you!
My husband and i had only been dating a few months when i got pregnant so we don't really know each other without kids.
I think it makes our relationship stronger because we have to make time for each other, otherwise we would never have one on one time!
We're a very close family. Becoming parents has bonded husband and I, but we have so little time together though as a couple. We have to schedule date nights if we want to do something by ourselves. It's rare we can do something spontaneously like before. I miss that. I'll admit there are times I wish I hadn't become a mom. No one forced me to be a mom. It was something I really wanted, but I didn't realize how big the committment of my time and energy would be. The moments where I wish I wasn't a mom are few. Majority of the time I'm happy that it's not just the two of us as a couple.
Neither, just took life as how we knew and turned it upside down. Once we figured things out and got used to it was about the same
12Likes
Re: Did kids make your marriage better or worse? 
?
This is just like my husband and I. You captured the joys of childfreedom in such an articulate way. 
