[DoYouWoo]

I ask because I got talking to come guy friends recently about this (after a couple of drinks - our macho-guards were down!) and opinions varied wildly. For myself, having our 2 boys definitely brought us closer together - sure we snapped at each other a bit when we were tired after a tough night, and our sex life suffered in the short term more due to lack of energy/opportunity than desire - but having a common 'job' of being a parent made us feel more like a team. That contrasts with some of my friends who, although they adore their kids, see them as this massive obstacle to being closer to their wives, almost seeing the kids as competitors for their wife's attention, and it creates friction in their relationship. Just wondering what your experiences are?

[I'mInLoveWithMyHubby]

I have 3 girls. I couldn't imagine life without them. They are very good children, but we are very strict parents! My two youngest 8 and 10 are the best of friends. It's wonderful! For us, it makes our marriage much stronger!
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[YinPrincess]

We have our first one the way, and from day one there has been conflict. I fear that having this baby will drive us farther apart, and while I know he will be a very involved father, he will most likely put up a fuss over sharing the unpleasant and inconvenient parental duties. I fear he will give our baby more of the love and attention I so desperately crave from him, and I know it will sting and cause ugly feelings in me that I already feel guilty about. When the baby cries he won't walk away, throw his hands in the air and threaten, "This isn't working." When the baby asks for love and reassurance, he'll be there to comfort and cuddle. If I dare say a word about wanting the same devotion from him, I know he'll roll his eyes in disgust, tell me to quit being so insecure, then speak condescendingly about my "jealousy". (Which it might be, but I feel like it may more accurately be called "envy"). I am not looking forward to these feelings at all. I don't want to think these things will happen, but I'd bet money that they do... Sorry to be a negative Nancy. I really want the closeness and comfort from becoming parents with my husband, but in all honesty I don't think that will happen and it shreds me from the inside out...
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[worrieddad]

For us, worse for sure. We dearly love our daughter (who is now 5), but we, my wife especially flung ourselves into parenting. I always maintained the view that we should consciously make time for ourselves, do getaways just by ourselves, etc - we have done a few weekend trips here and there, but she has not really been open to the idea, or even making time for ourselves in the home here. That's just one example....there's also a ton of other factors which have been compromised for us by parenting which has probably caused extra harm to our relationship....I've got to run out right now but if I get to chance to expand on it later I will.

The sad thing is right now we are coming out of the baby/toddler/pre-k stage and in my opinion it would be a great time for things to pick up between us, IMO...but if you see my other posts, we seem to be in the midst of a mid life crisis which I'm not sure we will be able to weather.

It really is an individual thing between couples I think....for some its the best thing for the marriage, for others, the worst (even if together they absolutely love their children to bits and are great parents, as we are).

[tacoma]

Kids are hard on a marriage.

The more you have the harder it gets
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[Cherry]

{{{HUGS to Yin}}}

I don't know if our children are making our marriage stronger. We are at that stage of still getting up with them throughout the night, the tantrums, the financial strain, etc... So right now, there are definite strains in our marriage due to several things and the kids are a part of those strains. I love our children and they are the sweetest little angels on earth to me. That said, they have also kept me and my H together for this long. With my oldest daughter, 17 now, I didn't do things right. I didn't value stability back then, I thought of myself more than I thought of her. I regret that. I am trying so very hard to keep our family together for our children now. I do love my H, but if it weren't for our children, I would've been long gone. Will it strengthen us as a couple if we continue staying together for the sake of the children? Will we grow together for the better, or resent each other? It's yet to be determined.

Luckily, when it comes to our children, we seldom waver on right/wrong. Our parenting ways are fairly equal in that regards. I am thankful for that. Gawd knows, we do not need another thing to argue about

In a nutshell, only time will tell if they will make our marriage better or worse.

[that_girl]

I don't know my husband without kids LOL

We got pregnant within 2 months of dating and then moved in together and got married 1.5 years later. I already had a daughter who was 8.

I don't think they are hard on a marriage O.o You just have to make priorities. I am not up my kids' asses all day. I devote time to the house, me, my husband...my kids do what they do and we hang out, but life is not all about the kids in this house.

We have a good balance with kids and our alone time. We spend every evening together after the kids go to bed.

I love my girls Sometimes I wished we would have traveled more, but that time will come.

[omega]

I'm fascinated by this topic. The primary reason that I don't want children is that I don't want our marriage relationship to change (people can say it will be better or worse but no one will honestly say it won't be affected). I love reading others opinions on this topic. Some of them, I have to say, make me grateful for that we're childless.

[SimplyAmorous]

Originally Posted by DoYouWoo

I ask because I got talking to come guy friends recently about this (after a couple of drinks - our macho-guards were down!) and opinions varied wildly. For myself, having our 2 boys definitely brought us closer together - sure we snapped at each other a bit when we were tired after a tough night, and our sex life suffered in the short term more due to lack of energy/opportunity than desire - but having a common 'job' of being a parent made us feel more like a team. That contrasts with some of my friends who, although they adore their kids, see them as this massive obstacle to being closer to their wives, almost seeing the kids as competitors for their wife's attention, and it creates friction in their relationship. Just wondering what your experiences are?

I wouldn't trade my big family (we have 6 ) for anything in this world - I wanted those darn kids so bad. I would not feel complete if I was not a MOM, in addition to being a wife. We were never the partying type , more Country Homebuddies. It was a huge dream of mine to have a nice size family -before we ever married, he knew that going in. He was "with me". I was an "only child" & I wanted to experience that BIG FAMILY thing, I envied others who had that. I wanted us to be like the "Waltons" or something ! ha ha

Although I did put my kids before him for a time in our marriage , my reasons are different than the norm -it was never about me being too tired ...it was Stress over not being able to conceive for a time- then overwhelming thankfulness beyond the norm when my womb was opened & 2, 3, 4, 5, & 6 came within 9 yrs. Even then I had the time for my husband, but I was just too focused on them. He needed just a little bit more from me. And I wasn't getting it, it could have so easily been given.

I was NEVER too tired for anything, I was a happy stay at home mom & had leisure every day -even with all of my kids. I was just stupid back then. My time management was excellent, my priorities were not ....then.

Love the kids, Love the family, and Dad is not suffering on the back burner at all...NOW . (and we still have 1 in pre-school , 2 in elementary, 2 in High school, the oldest is in college now).

So long as you have a door on your bedroom and know how to not baby your children, allowing them to run your life, manage your time well. Kids should not be a hinderance to any marraige. Mine are all pretty good though, very few problems, good grades, good friends, decent attitudes. This helps!

[chattycathy]

They are the best in the world (I have three, two now grown) BUT they will make you too busy for time alone together and romance to the level that you need for a passionate connection.
My H found another woman to date to take my place while I was busy raising our kids.
By the way, I thought we still did have enough romance and passion but alas, he had toooooo much extra time on his hands since the majority parenting often falls on the woman.
Kids are worth it anyway.

[that_girl]

Originally Posted by chattycathy

They are the best in the world (I have three, two now grown) BUT they will make you too busy for time alone together and romance to the level that you need for a passionate connection.
My H found another woman to date to take my place while I was busy raising our kids.
By the way, I thought we still did have enough romance and passion but alas, he had toooooo much extra time on his hands since the majority parenting often falls on the woman.
Kids are worth it anyway.

I am sorry to hear that. That's a cheap excuse on his part.

[DoYouWoo]

Wow I'm glad this struck a chord with so many of you, and some opinions from those who feel kids have badly affected their marriage mirror what my guy friends said. In terms of not getting to spend time together, I DO miss just doing things on the fly, y'know, waking up on a Saturday morning, having a lie-in, foolin' around, then deciding what to do with our day at our leisure - compared with now where it's BAM MORNING TIME - Do stuff - Organise Little People - Work thru To-Do List, etc!

I miss getting to relax with my wife, and having to come to terms with 'Scheduled Couple Fun Time' (if it ain't scheduled, it ain't happenin...). But I can't say I miss all that so much that I regret having the kids, as much as they mess with my head at times they are still awesome.

I totally agree that it's a personal decision about having kids though - I think no less of couples who have decided to not have kids, I think thats better than people who don't like kids having them cos they think they should.

[Cherry]

Originally Posted by DoYouWoo

I think no less of couples who have decided to not have kids, I think thats better than people who don't like kids having them cos they think they should.

[that_girl]

My husband still lay around on sunday morning and get busy while the kids watch a movie LOL

[I'mAllIn]

Wow, so much better for sure. H and I met in Sept and I knew within about a month of meeting him that he was "the one", but I was a little wild, and in the back of my mind sometimes wondered if I was kidding myself in thinking I could be a good and faithful W. We got engaged in Jan and planned a late July wedding. In June I found out I was 5 weeks pregnant. His family are fundamentalist Christian (he left the faith before we met), so this would really be a disappointment to them, but we both knew we wanted children eventually so there was really no way we could live with the choice to not have this baby just because of bad timing.
Anyway, we got married in July, oldest was born the day after my H bday in Jan. We were flat broke, newly married, and never happier. He was a wonderful husband and father, and any question I had about my ability to be good W or mother went right out of my head because I was so content and happy that they were all I thought about. It didn't bother us a bit that we were broke. We'd sit on the couch and see who could make her laugh the most, and then go to bed and talk about how lucky we were. Our sex life really didn't suffer, a slight drop in frequency was easily made up for in the fact that we were so happy and so close emotionally that the sex we did have was better than ever.
Fast forward three years. H has worked really hard and gotten promoted several times, I have a good job with good hours, money isn't quite as tight, we've bought our first house, firstborn is walking and potty trained and we're good. However, I have no health insurance due to change in job, and of course that's when birthcontrol fails and I get pregnant with youngest. Once again timing is bad, everything else is right, so we wade right in and have #2. Son is born in Jan, H is over-the-moon happy. We now have boy, girl, mom & dad, everything is perfect...right. Except that I get post partum depression, which 18 years ago no one talked about so I just thought I was a bad person who didn't trust herself to go out alone with her kids. H sees that something is really wrong and pushes me to get help. His value in my mind goes through the roof as within a few weeks I feel so much better and can relax and enjoy my family again. I could have lost months or even years of bonding with my son if H hadn't supported and helped me and I've never forgotten that.
So the years pass, the kids grow up, and they've only brought us closer. There were days when we were so mad at each other that one or the other wanted to just walk out, but you can't because you have kids and they need picked up and fed and bathed and then pretty soon one of them does something so hilarious that you can't help but laugh, and once you're both laughing it's harder to remember what you were so mad about. There have been times over the years when our sex life suffered a little because of schedules and exhaustion etc. On the other hand there have been times when I haven't been in the mood at all and then I'd catch H teaching the kids how to change a tire, or see tears in his eyes when our daughter cried over a broken heart, and at that moment he is the sexiest man on earth. Good Dad got him a lot of sex over the years.
Now oldest is out of the house and youngest is a Sr. We're alone at home more, which has been very good for our sex life, and our emotional connection is so much stronger having watched each other be good parents to our kids.
I know it isn't the case for every couple, but for us having children, and honestly having them early in our marriage, was one of the best things for our marriage. It did change our relationship over the years, but only for the better.