Fight with ex and now we're not talking, 1 daughter - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 44 (permalink) Old 08-28-2016, 02:22 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Fight with ex and now we're not talking, 1 daughter

Thanks for that fru . back on track hopefully.
so you don't think there's any need for me to go in then ?
l haven't been this last 7wks . D has been a little bit worried about it but we had a talk and l explained it has been awkward bc mum and l are divorced and l often felt weird about it . d was sort of ok .

Anyway interesting and thanks agin.

Talking to a guy in another forum and they even go away together him and his' ex. That's getting too weird though for me , and way too much ex.
Once ex asked me if l wanted to come on a day trip , 12hours , at the time l wasn't seeing anyone else but she was with om.
l said no sorry l don't feel good about it you being with someone else now and all. So l didn't go.

Glad you guys have a good thing going in this mess , happy for you and especially the kids.
All the best.

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post #32 of 44 (permalink) Old 08-28-2016, 05:00 AM
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Re: Fight with ex and now we're not talking, 1 daughter

Do you feel you have accepted the divorce, Whitehawk? Really accepted that it is over? Has your daughter accepted it?
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One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #33 of 44 (permalink) Old 08-28-2016, 09:50 AM
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Re: Fight with ex and now we're not talking, 1 daughter

Look, I understand that you enjoyed the friendly relationship you had and that you still had the 'right' to come and go in your ex's house. I would have enjoyed that too. Until my ex started dating someone else OR if I had become good friends with my ex's new partner. Those are the only two scenarios in which I feel it's kosher to be able to come and go in my ex's place.

Things change. In your case, things HAVE changed, and your ex now has a new partner, and that makes having you come and go uncomfortable. It's best just to accept that and come up with a new reality, so as to help your daughter.

And the fact that you can still have such huge fights with your ex tells me that your relationship wasn't as healthy as you thought it was, that you hadn't 'moved on' like you thought you had. Just one more reason to put distance between you and her.

Does she want you to hang out with her and her boyfriend? Apparently. Why not? Two guys still into her? Good ego stroke for her. Less guilt for her. See? We're all good.

Until we aren't. And I agree with others that her boyfriend has likely been stressing to her that this arrangement is no longer cool, so her emotions are flustered. She can no longer eat cake, either.

This is just how divorces go, ok? You set up what's best for the kids...until it isn't. And then you come up with a new plan that's best for the kids. And show the kids that this is what being an adult is all about - assessing the situation and adapting as needed. Note that should not include huge fights where people get all bent out of shape and STAY that way.

Remember, she is learning how to be an adult by watching you.

So my best advice is this: make a strong effort to meet and/or get to know her new boyfriend. As 'partners' in your daughter's future. Will he stay in the picture? Who knows; that's what dating's for. But in the meantime, if you can show him that you will (1) be respectful to all involved, (2) maintain a respectable distance from your ex and her relationships, (3) be willing to set up a new arrangement with your daughter, he will be less likely to feel threatened that you're still around, and you'll probably avoid fights in the future. And your daughter will benefit.
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post #34 of 44 (permalink) Old 08-28-2016, 11:14 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Fight with ex and now we're not talking, 1 daughter

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Do you feel you have accepted the divorce, Whitehawk? Really accepted that it is over? Has your daughter accepted it?
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l think in this last 6mths , 12 maybe , yeah l do . l'm not attracted to w anymore or even like this new her very much either which helps a lot to but , non of this was easy though non the less.

Point now is though, l know we were doing a much better job with d before this fight but since all this there's been a lot of things come and go l'm worried about with d and eveb divorced parents should still be on it together surely , well we always were and it was 10 fold better for d.

Last edited by whitehawk; 08-28-2016 at 11:19 AM.
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post #35 of 44 (permalink) Old 08-28-2016, 11:30 AM
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Re: Fight with ex and now we're not talking, 1 daughter

Whitehawk you went off half-c0cked, without understanding how credit works, and accused your wife of messing up your chances of not getting this loan you wanted. You were in the wrong, and you need to acknowledge it and tell your ex that you are sorry for messing up the friendly co-parenting relationship you two had. I think if you show her some contriteness, and make all future interactions business-only, then you have a chance at repairing this.

She had every right in the world to threaten to call the cops on you. You are not her husband anymore. You do not get to enjoy the same level of accommodation that she used to have to show you when she was your wife. Those days are gone. You two are not friends. Maybe some day, if you get your act together and she gets herself settled, then maybe you have a shot at being friends but not now. For now it should be business. You should not be hanging out at her house. You should not be imposing yourself on her one moment more than is needed in any given situation.

And I think you are deluding yourself when you tell us you have no residual feelings for her. You may be able to fool some people with your rhetoric, but not us. You are actually quite transparent.
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post #36 of 44 (permalink) Old 08-28-2016, 11:34 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Fight with ex and now we're not talking, 1 daughter

Thanks for that T but no , not a hope in hell l hang out with ex and the bf , foget it , l have nothing what so ever to do with her or her life in 3 and 1/2 yrs.or her mine. l don't even know the guy or anything about them or her us and my gf l and don't want to.
l'm not sure where you got that idea but nooooooo thank you. rather eat glass, as lsaid a few hours here and theere with d at her house but usually ex usn;t even there anyway.
Early on , this is like 2 3 yrs ago , l did make the mistake of spending a bit too much time over there even had tea and everything ex would offer if she was there but still it was about d , not ex . the whole ex side was just plain weird and l never knew if l was doing the right thing being there that's for sure.

But no , of course our relationship wasn't happy and healthy anymore or we wouldn't got divorced. we had a lot sh@t going on in our last few yrs, even dealing with each other for d , it wasn't easy , not at all . but it was only ever d stuff noting what so ever anything else . and the d stuff yeah that was much much eaisier like that and we were doing a much better job. on that westill got a long quite well for a divorced couple. good enough to get the job done anyway.

that's all want in this now .

ps , T l actually nearly threw up at the thought reading that. What in Gods name gave you the idea l wanted to hang out with ex and bf .?
l don;t even know where that came from, what fool would want to live like that .
Wanna know something funny though , ex is really *****y to d about my gf apparently , go figure that one out. and no she hasn't met her .

Last edited by whitehawk; 08-28-2016 at 12:24 PM.
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post #37 of 44 (permalink) Old 08-28-2016, 11:53 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Fight with ex and now we're not talking, 1 daughter

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Whitehawk you went off half-c0cked, without understanding how credit works, and accused your wife of messing up your chances of not getting this loan you wanted. You were in the wrong, and you need to acknowledge it and tell your ex that you are sorry for messing up the friendly co-parenting relationship you two had. I think if you show her some contriteness, and make all future interactions business-only, then you have a chance at repairing this.

She had every right in the world to threaten to call the cops on you. You are not her husband anymore. You do not get to enjoy the same level of accommodation that she used to have to show you when she was your wife. Those days are gone. You two are not friends. Maybe some day, if you get your act together and she gets herself settled, then maybe you have a shot at being friends but not now. For now it should be business. You should not be hanging out at her house. You should not be imposing yourself on her one moment more than is needed in any given situation.

And I think you are deluding yourself when you tell us you have no residual feelings for her. You may be able to fool some people with your rhetoric, but not us. You are actually quite transparent.


Hey BAndit.
yeah l should've stayed calm about that cc thing but hey 3k of my money went missing at a time like that and my loan , house and alll , nother story. But you bet l nearly fell over though but yep ,even so. .

ex , no mate , no interest at all, l actually prefer my gf any day these days . strictly the parent thing. nut it is still hard though for sure.
But none of that matters , it's done. we are here now , reality .new lives. But again , somehow people keep getting the wrong idea of just how much time l was there and who with. or wth ex means , it's not about that l just want our working relationship back for d, that's it.
Again ex was never even there and if she was l'd usually go in a few minutes. it was just too weird.
as l just sauid yeah a few yrs ago l did make the mistake of being there too much with d . l dont think you have jkids man do you , yo might get my point on that if you were a dad not being able to see his daughter at home every night anymore.
but yeah , l agree about being in ex's space and no rights anymore and rara , and l should've been a more care ful that night too for sure . l've known that for a long tiome now. But agin , ex was never usually even around.
99% of contact about d was just text , sometimes we might not talk verbally 3 or 4 mths.
But as l was just saying to T , l have a whole new life now , ex's is nothing to do with mine or mine hers.
But mate , l don't claim ro be doing anything in all this , l'm fumbling through this mess just like evweryone else. and yeah you bet sometimes l still struggle like hell with it , and hurt yeah you bet , so what !!!!! no claims at all there but we were doing a great job with d though.
it was a good system with d we had beleieve me , much better than most and d was doing really well and we bothe alway s knew what was going on . d could come and go very happily , for a fkd up divorced thing , it was the best we could do for her like this.

Last edited by whitehawk; 08-28-2016 at 12:07 PM.
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post #38 of 44 (permalink) Old 08-28-2016, 11:57 AM
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Re: Fight with ex and now we're not talking, 1 daughter

I'm still dubious. I think you give your ex too much real-estate in your head.

Brother, just be real with her. Fess up to what you did. And let her know it will never happen again, then do your best to be the best ex-husband you can be. Be fair, dependable, honest and unwilling to be disrespected. Be a good dad to the kids. Do those things and you will have no shame or regrets. You cannot control what your ex does or what kind of person she will be from this time forwards.
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post #39 of 44 (permalink) Old 08-28-2016, 12:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Fight with ex and now we're not talking, 1 daughter

Man , l already apologized as l said but really, even d said l didn't even yell , she was there and even said mum just acted like a psycho .
But l did anyway and have . And l've done damn well , But yeah , ex miss places 3k of my money , l did get a little upset .

doin my best mate , all we can do. cheers
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post #40 of 44 (permalink) Old 08-28-2016, 02:05 PM
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Re: Fight with ex and now we're not talking, 1 daughter

What's with all the "nut" mention? It must be a Brit thing. I am sure your ex thinks you are a nut too.

We think she occupies too much real estate in your head because we are reading your words.

You need to be this perfect coparent ex H and you NEED to be her friend. Get beyond needing and move up to wanting. You will be a lot less stressed when the need is gone.

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post #41 of 44 (permalink) Old 08-28-2016, 02:13 PM
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Re: Fight with ex and now we're not talking, 1 daughter

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Man , l already apologized as l said but really, even d said l didn't even yell , she was there and even said mum just acted like a psycho .
But l did anyway and have . And l've done damn well , But yeah , ex miss places 3k of my money , l did get a little upset .

doin my best mate , all we can do. cheers
Then move on and let her deal with it. You did what you could.
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post #42 of 44 (permalink) Old 08-28-2016, 02:35 PM
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Re: Fight with ex and now we're not talking, 1 daughter

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Whitehawk you went off half-c0cked, without understanding how credit works, and accused your wife of messing up your chances of not getting this loan you wanted.
I believe that he said that they still had a joint credit card that she used and she was making late payments on it. If it was a joint account it sure could hurt his credit. In that case he has ever right to be concerned and upset.
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post #43 of 44 (permalink) Old 08-28-2016, 06:21 PM
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Re: Fight with ex and now we're not talking, 1 daughter

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Wanna know something funny though , ex is really *****y to d about my gf apparently , go figure that one out. and no she hasn't met her .
Well that's not on, and you should tell your ex to knock it off. She shouldn't be doing that, not only is it immature it's also very unfair.
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post #44 of 44 (permalink) Old 08-28-2016, 07:12 PM
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Re: Fight with ex and now we're not talking, 1 daughter

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Thanks for that T but no , not a hope in hell l hang out with ex and the bf , foget it , l have nothing what so ever to do with her or her life in 3 and 1/2 yrs.or her mine. l don't even know the guy or anything about them or her us and my gf l and don't want to.
l'm not sure where you got that idea but nooooooo thank you. rather eat glass,
ps , T l actually nearly threw up at the thought reading that. What in Gods name gave you the idea l wanted to hang out with ex and bf .?
Then you have no business walking into the home she brings her boyfriend into any more. And you are showing here that you don't have the emotional maturity to deserve to maintain the old relationship. A mature ex-husband will want his ex to do well and be happy so that his CHILD can grow up happy and well-balanced. The fact that you can't look at a guy your ex is dating and see him just as a decent guy who might someday become your daughter's stepdad, and wish him well (assuming he's on ok person), and be able to get along with him as one adult to another, shows you don't have any business doing anything but picking up and dropping off.

Hell, the fact that you would spend pages and pages here defending your right to do so says enough.

And you thinking of throwing up at the thought of speaking to, being civil to, getting to know your daughter's potential stepfather? Doesn't say much good for you. You talk about how you're all about your daughter's well-being. Think about it.

Last edited by turnera; 08-28-2016 at 07:18 PM.
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