Fight with ex and now we're not talking, 1 daughter - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 44 (permalink) Old 08-25-2016, 09:09 AM Thread Starter
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Fight with ex and now we're not talking, 1 daughter

Hi people.
We split nearly 4yrs ago and we're divorced now.
Right through though we've kept a good working relationship for my daughter and we've done very very well compared to many l read about .
l could come around any time , spend time there with my d so that she didn't have to go out all the time to spend time with me , ex and l were often there both and talked ok. Yeah that part was weird and l often wondered if it was right and yeah it did often set me back too.
But for my d it worked out really well. But d would still come stay wkends or any other time she felt like too and ex and l were always in touch about d things .

But about 6wks ago we had a fight while l was over there. She even pretended to call the cops ad told me to get out, she went of her nut , and in front of d.
She hadn't been paying one of our credit cards a few mths and l was in the middle of financing my house so if they found out about the card not being paid it could fk my loan.and l've been trying all this time toget back on my feet from the divorce, so yeah l raised my voice a bit l was pretty pissed but not that much and wasn't yelling.

But since, ex hasn't answered any text and l'm worried about things we d bc ex and l aren't communicating. Ther'sa lot of stuff going on for d right now.
l haven't been in the house since and l either pick d up from school and we go out from there or she meets me out front.
l hate it like that bc it's harder on d and makes her worry a bit about mum and l and the sitch.
d's 15.
l think ex's om might also be pushing her to break contact . ex has been a different person since she's been with him.

Anyway 2wks ago l was dropping d off , sitting out in the car talking and ex came out to get something out of her car , she looked up and gave a nice smile and with ex this usually means she wants to make a mense but we're still not in touch again yet .
l text ex a few times about d things after the fight over a few wks, no reply. so even though she smiled that night ,l haven't text her again yet . l've been worried it might push her away more. d was in the car to that night and ex might've only smiled at her , l couldn't tell for sure. She did look at my eyes a bit though but ex is slightly cross eyed and it can be hard to tell.

Thing is, l hate it like this for d and we are for sure not being able to keep up and do as good a job as we could before in looking after her.
l'm just not sure how to get things back on track.

Any thoughts or suggestions , appreciated .


Last edited by whitehawk; 08-25-2016 at 09:19 AM.
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post #2 of 44 (permalink) Old 08-25-2016, 09:43 AM
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Re: Fight with ex and now we're not talking, 1 daughter

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Thing is, l hate it like this for d and we are for sure not being able to keep up and do as good a job as we could before in looking after her.
l'm just not sure how to get things back on track.

Any thoughts or suggestions , appreciated .
If you are divorced, why do you still have joint debt? Ownership over marital debt should have been decided in the separation of assets. Get your name off the account. I realize sometimes the credit card company doesn't let you off the hook on a joint account, but you could talk with them and make sure she can't add any new debt to the joint account. To keep it off your credit report you could arrange to move the principle balance to a new account and you pay it off. Leave her with the late payment fees and penalties. Then you can get a judgment against her to repay you that principal if it was 'her' debt in the divorce.

Focus on your daughter. Your ex is nothing to you but the mother of your child. Don't worry about having a 'good' relationship with her. Focus on your joint parenting plan. Hopefully you have joint legal custody, if not you may want to talk with a lawyer about going back to court to get it. Do you have a visitation agreement? If yes, then follow it. To the letter. If your ex interferes you can take her to court. You have rights as a father, assert them.
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post #3 of 44 (permalink) Old 08-25-2016, 09:47 AM
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Re: Fight with ex and now we're not talking, 1 daughter

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If you are divorced, why do you still have joint debt?
Exactly right. It was the very first thing that came to mind. I did not even read the rest of the post.
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post #4 of 44 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 07:02 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Fight with ex and now we're not talking, 1 daughter

Thanks for the tips on the card thing but thankfully that's all sorted now. It was just a set up we had so l won't go into that further now.

But the thing is l'd like to be back on talking terms with ex. Not sure how to approach that.
As l said it's about getting back to how we were parenting since day one, before the fight .
The way things are now , is no where near as good and it's effecting do a bit too.

There's no problem seeing d any time l want and d can call me any time she wants to come and pick her up and l still come and go for her just like before.
But l don't go in the house anymore since the fight and ex and l don't help each other out any more with d the way we use to as l say.
And there are a lot of things going on for d right now that ex and l should be talking about as her parents as l say , but this whole not talking thing is making things very awkward
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post #5 of 44 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 07:11 AM
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Re: Fight with ex and now we're not talking, 1 daughter

Apologize for raising your voice to her. She obviously felt threatened if she said she was going to call the police.

I am not sure if you understand how threatened a woman can feel by a man's anger. Do you have any history of domestic violence?
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One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #6 of 44 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 09:55 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Fight with ex and now we're not talking, 1 daughter

The thing is , yeah l do but yeah we did have a lot of bad fights especially in our last few years with stresses and all and then lgot bd
and she wants to start seeing someone else so natually that wasn't a good time at alllllll.

But the other thing is . it's hard being a male sometimes bc she can go off her nut like she did that night but we're suppose to stay calm.while they do or say anything they want and as loud as they want.
Yeah , and that's really easy too , NOT.

But no that particular fight over the cc wasn't hadly anything at all . l've actually thought she went off like that to cover that fact that she fkd it up.

Anyway . l just want us communicating again for d .like we have for 3 and 1/2 yrs before this.
l apologized a few days later after the fight but l think it was a bit soon.
Been thinking of trying it again and explaining we need to be communicating for our d. . Been about 7wks now.
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post #7 of 44 (permalink) Old 08-26-2016, 10:17 PM
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Re: Fight with ex and now we're not talking, 1 daughter

Just start interact with her on small things. Over time increase the interaction.
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post #8 of 44 (permalink) Old 08-27-2016, 08:07 PM
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Re: Fight with ex and now we're not talking, 1 daughter

It sounds to me like you wanted to have your cake and eat it too. You are divorced. Your daughter needs to KNOW you are divorced and you are confusing her impression of what relationships should look like. If you want your daughter to grow up knowing how to look for a good man and not accept bad treatment, you have to start the ball rolling. Start taking your daughter to your house for your time with her; let her understand what divorce really looks like. Let her understand what parents dating other people looks like. Keep a professional distance from your ex.
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post #9 of 44 (permalink) Old 08-27-2016, 08:17 PM
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Re: Fight with ex and now we're not talking, 1 daughter

So do you or do you not have a history of domestic violence?

As in have you hit or otherwise threatened her?

That wasn't clear to me in your response.

If so you'll have to accept that there will be less tolerance for you getting upset because you've been violent, so the possibility is always there.

If you want to maintain a good relationship with her you'll have to control yourself.

If a guy had been violent toward me and he raised his voice I'd cut him off too.
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post #10 of 44 (permalink) Old 08-27-2016, 08:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Fight with ex and now we're not talking, 1 daughter

Seemed pretty clear to me . NO.

Thanks for that el and yeah l'll try that.

Tu , ldk how a little bit of communication about our d is cake and eat it too. l call co parenting and as l also said , looking after her as best we can with this situation..
Anyway as l said earlier you missed it. She usually is at my place. But l still have to pick her up and come and go or go in for a few minutes here and there at her place.

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post #11 of 44 (permalink) Old 08-27-2016, 08:36 PM
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Re: Fight with ex and now we're not talking, 1 daughter

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Tu , ldk how a little bit of communication about our d is cake and eat it too. l call co parenting and as l also said , looking after her as best we can with this situation..
Anyway as l said earlier you missed it. She usually is at my place. But l still have to pick her up and come and go or go in for a few minutes here and there at her place.
You said:
Quote:
l could come around any time , spend time there with my d so that she didn't have to go out all the time to spend time with me , ex and l were often there both and talked ok. Yeah that part was weird and l often wondered if it was right and yeah it did often set me back too.
But for my d it worked out really well. But d would still come stay wkends or any other time she felt like too and ex and l were always in touch about d things .
Sounded to me like you've been spending a lot of time at you ex's.
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post #12 of 44 (permalink) Old 08-27-2016, 09:24 PM
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Re: Fight with ex and now we're not talking, 1 daughter

You said "yeah I do, but yeah we did have a lot of bad fights" when asked whether you had a domestic violence history


That was not clear to me regarding violence.


Thanks for clearing it up.

I agree with turnera that it sounds like you've been spending a lot of time over there. That may not be reasonable to continue when new partners come into the picture.

I speak as one with a good bit of experience with poor ex boundaries (hb, not me).

I'm guessing you're not seeing anyone?

As for your ex, have you explicitly apologized for raising your voice? How does she typically react when you discuss things calmly?
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post #13 of 44 (permalink) Old 08-27-2016, 09:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Fight with ex and now we're not talking, 1 daughter

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You said:
Sounded to me like you've been spending a lot of time at you ex's.

T , l wish people would try and help with the question itself ! But l like El's approach , l'm just wondering though if l should leave ex be a bit longer yet and give her a little bit more time first though ?

But yeah a bit of time there, not much , few hours a wk maybe in the past , usually when ex isn't home though , just so that it one , made it a bit easier for d not having to go out all the time over to mine or whatever but two , just to share her other home with her a little too, she could show me stuff and her room and things you know .
Or if l go to pick d up l'd also usually go in for a minute while she was getting ready. It was all very chilled. we've been admired and congratulated many times by many people and even professionals in this very field, for the job we were doing and that we kept our bs aside for the sake of our d.
When l see what most couples put them selves and their kids through , it turns my stomach. So shoot me for not wanting that for mine.

Last edited by whitehawk; 08-27-2016 at 09:53 PM.
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post #14 of 44 (permalink) Old 08-27-2016, 09:58 PM
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Re: Fight with ex and now we're not talking, 1 daughter

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T , l wish people would try and help with the question itself ! But l like El's approach , l'm just wondering though if l should leave ex be a bit longer yet and give her a little bit more time first though ?
You are divorced. Why are you trying to fix it up so you get to spend more time with your ex?

IMO, what you should strive for with your ex is INDIFFERENCE.

Meaning, if you're having a fight with your ex, you still have an emotional connection with her. You still WANT something from her. Even if YOU don't realize you want it.

Get that sorted out in therapy.

fwiw, I admire you for trying to be CIVIL with your wife. But spending time with her? No. That's over. It's confusing to your kid. Your kid needs to see what real divorce looks like (hopefully so she strives to not go there).
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post #15 of 44 (permalink) Old 08-27-2016, 10:03 PM
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Re: Fight with ex and now we're not talking, 1 daughter

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Apologize for raising your voice to her. She obviously felt threatened if she said she was going to call the police.



I am not sure if you understand how threatened a woman can feel by a man's anger. Do you have any history of domestic violence?
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No, she was manipulating him. If she was in fear she would have called the police. He needs to stop being needy.
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