Should I tell my son I am not his biological father? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 86 (permalink) Old 09-06-2016, 06:23 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Should I tell my son I am not his biological father?

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He has the right to know. Be prepared for shock (expressed as anger) that you've withheld this from him for so long (in other words, lied to him his entire life). Your wife's concern about how this will make her look is unfortunate but isn't the determining factor. Sit down together and tell him.

PS
He should have been told the truth from the beginning but obviously it's too late now. So correct that wrong as soon as possible.
I think so too. I would love to confirm who the bio Dad is, but I cannot find any contact info, and that's frustrating for a guy with my skills who can find most anyone I am looking for.


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post #17 of 86 (permalink) Old 09-06-2016, 06:34 PM
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Re: Should I tell my son I am not his biological father?

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Honestly, some days I think about it. But could I really find a great woman, about my age, with no negative baggage or problems? Maybe/maybe not.
If "great" means "doesn't cheat on you and get pregnant by another man", I don't think you would have much trouble finding a great woman.

So the answer is "yes".

Always remember the LD motto: "Sex isn't important!!!"
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post #18 of 86 (permalink) Old 09-06-2016, 06:36 PM
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Re: Should I tell my son I am not his biological father?

Oh, and yes, you should tell him.

Always remember the LD motto: "Sex isn't important!!!"
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post #19 of 86 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 12:10 AM
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Re: Should I tell my son I am not his biological father?

Yes, of course you should tell your son, and it should be you telling him so that he has an absolute faith that you chose to be his father and have never regretted that decision! Frankly, you should have already told him, like 12 years ago! Be prepared for questions about who his biological dad might be. He deserves to know that information too. One day it might be medically imperative.

The fact that you weren't married to his mother at the time of conception, or for his first 14 months doesn't automatically indicate his mother cheated and conceived. I'm not sure how it can even be considered cheating when you're not married and are not otherwise together at the time of conception.

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post #20 of 86 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 01:55 AM
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Re: Should I tell my son I am not his biological father?

...

Last edited by Personal; 10-26-2016 at 11:44 PM.
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post #21 of 86 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 07:32 AM
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Re: Should I tell my son I am not his biological father?

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I think so too. I would love to confirm who the bio Dad is, but I cannot find any contact info, and that's frustrating for a guy with my skills who can find most anyone I am looking for.
assuming your wife knows the names, when you tell your son, he'll find them.
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post #22 of 86 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 08:28 AM
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Re: Should I tell my son I am not his biological father?

This is easy.

He has an absolute right to know the truth of his parentage, and that trumps any other concern or misgiving that either you or your wife may have.

Period.
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post #23 of 86 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 08:30 AM
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Re: Should I tell my son I am not his biological father?

Is your wife ready to answers the questions he will have when this comes out, is she ready for the shaming that might occur when this comes out?
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post #24 of 86 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 09:18 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Should I tell my son I am not his biological father?

As far as answering the questions he may have, I have full, complete, and verifiable contact information on potential father #1. He is local to us now and would be very easy to get ahold of. He is also a very prominent businessman, with a wife and 3 daughters. W said she contacted him after she was pregnant and he was in denial, and engaged.

Potential father #2 is more of a mystery. All info comes from the W, and I cannot confirm any of it, except the place where she worked at the time (restaurant/bar at a hotel, I went there once while she was working). She indicates the man was a frequent customer there, but was on a temp job assignment from the east coast and left to go back soon after.

She provided a copy of a hotel receipt that she says she convinced the desk clerk to give her, but I come up empty when I search for the name, address, phone. She believes this man is the bio dad, based on a broken condom incident. But her story has many cracks in it, and being a former LE investigator, I suspect a different reality.

She has said in the past that the owner of this hotel bar/restaurant encouraged the employees (mostly female) to drink while on duty. The one time I was there she did have a couple of shots right in front of me, which was unusual. We were also partially broken up, and I had a new GF. This stress may have contributed to her heavy drinking, combined with an encouraging male owner with an open bar and her willingness, might have given him access to her reproductive parts. The hotel/bar is no longer there.

I also have to point out the holes in her story about the guy. She said he worked in heavy construction (bridges), but why would a union pay to bring in a crew from several states away when their are local crews available? She also says that he left soon after, but was supposed to return the following week to his crew. But then a coworker informed her that he was reassigned and wouldn't be returning.

So either potential father #1 is the bio Dad, or the bar owner. She really wanted it to be me (as we were still having sex infrequently) but the DNA test excluded me. She still, to this day says the test was wrong. Maybe we should do it again.
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post #25 of 86 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 09:37 AM
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Re: Should I tell my son I am not his biological father?

With every thread that you create, I find myself more and more astounded at the notion that you not only married, but are actually still married to this woman.
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post #26 of 86 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 09:40 AM
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Re: Should I tell my son I am not his biological father?

Gus is on to something, your his role model......he will look into your eyes and ask you why you stayed with her, because perhaps one day he will face the same dilemma (i hope not but if he does) are you going to tell him to stay with her?
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post #27 of 86 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 09:42 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Should I tell my son I am not his biological father?

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assuming your wife knows the names, when you tell your son, he'll find them.
One he can easily find, the other I doubt.
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post #28 of 86 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 09:42 AM
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Re: Should I tell my son I am not his biological father?

question (forgive me if I missed this) -is your son currently in college?

Reason I ask, you may want to wait till the quarter or semester is over. Giving him this information could mess with him and make it too difficult to study.

I would also highly recommend contacting a counselor or therapist that has dealt with this situation before. A good counselor might have some insight on how to actually break the news so as to not be destructive

You will get the Why's:

Why did you lie to me
Why did you hide this from me
Why did you wait till now to let me know

Be prepared for a pissed off young man whose world view has just be changed.

From my perspective, I would want to know.
I would want to why you were my father
Why did you chose to be my father
Why my bio father didn't want me
If bio father didn't know about me, why did you hide it from him
I would want to know for medical reasons

We protect ourselves from lies,
By fanatically holding to our own truths.
But when our truths turn to fanaticism,
Our truths become the Lie.
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post #29 of 86 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 09:43 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Should I tell my son I am not his biological father?

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This is easy.

He has an absolute right to know the truth of his parentage, and that trumps any other concern or misgiving that either you or your wife may have.

Period.
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I agree, and this may cause a huge wrinkle in my relationship with my W.
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post #30 of 86 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 09:45 AM
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Re: Should I tell my son I am not his biological father?

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Gus is on to something, your his role model......he will look into your eyes and ask you why you stayed with her, because perhaps one day he will face the same dilemma (i hope not but if he does) are you going to tell him to stay with her?
I think he will thank MD for staying with her. MD has probably been a stabilizing force in his life.

MD, if I were you, I would inform your wife that from now on your household will be functioning on a basis of honesty and openness. No one's pride is going to be protected, at least not within the family.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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