Should I tell my son I am not his biological father? - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 86 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 09:52 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Should I tell my son I am not his biological father?

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question (forgive me if I missed this) -is your son currently in college?

Reason I ask, you may want to wait till the quarter or semester is over. Giving him this information could mess with him and make it too difficult to study.

I would also highly recommend contacting a counselor or therapist that has dealt with this situation before. A good counselor might have some insight on how to actually break the news so as to not be destructive

You will get the Why's:

Why did you lie to me
Why did you hide this from me
Why did you wait till now to let me know

Be prepared for a pissed off young man whose world view has just be changed.

From my perspective, I would want to know.
I would want to why you were my father
Why did you chose to be my father
Why my bio father didn't want me
If bio father didn't know about me, why did you hide it from him
I would want to know for medical reasons
He is in college, and sees a counselor from time to time for an unrelated condition.

I would expect these questions.
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post #32 of 86 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 10:05 AM
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Re: Should I tell my son I am not his biological father?

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I think he will thank MD for staying with her. MD has probably been a stabilizing force in his life.

MD, if I were you, I would inform your wife that from now on your household will be functioning on a basis of honesty and openness. No one's pride is going to be protected, at least not within the family.
And that may be the right answer but for his son i suspect he will have a huge trust issue with the women he ends up in life with...this is probably why i would highly recommend that family couseling be involved when you release this information to him
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post #33 of 86 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 10:12 AM
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Re: Should I tell my son I am not his biological father?

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And that may be the right answer but for his son i suspect he will have a huge trust issue with the women he ends up in life with...this is probably why i would highly recommend that family couseling be involved when you release this information to him
MD was complicit in withholding information from him. I would not be surprised if this young man develops trust issues with both sexes, and fear of becoming a parent himself.

Jmo, MD.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #34 of 86 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 10:53 AM
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Re: Should I tell my son I am not his biological father?

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I agree, and this may cause a huge wrinkle in my relationship with my W.
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Hopefully so.

ETA: If your relationship w/ your oh-so-very-wayward wife buckles under the weight of such fundamental honesty, then you'd be better off w/o it (the relationship, not the honesty).

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post #35 of 86 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 10:53 AM
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Re: Should I tell my son I am not his biological father?

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Honestly, some days I think about it. But could I really find a great woman, about my age, with no negative baggage or problems? Maybe/maybe not.
Well, you have plenty of your own baggage and problems to.

Better the devil you know than the devil you don't, right?
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post #36 of 86 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 11:22 AM
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Re: Should I tell my son I am not his biological father?

1) I think it is horrible that he was not told the truth from the very beginning. Based on what I've seen, I blame your wife mostly for this.
2) Why you haven't thrown that woman to the curb LONG LONG ago is beyond me. And why your chances of ending up with someone 'better' are even a consideration is TOTALLY beyond me. I've said it a million times: You CANNOT be happy with ANYONE until you know how to be happy WITHOUT anyone. And you apparently don't.
3) Your son - yes, YOUR son- has a right to know this about himself. The WHOLE truth, not some varnished version of it. Like I said, he should have known from the very beginning. What being told is going to do to him only you can guess, but it's bound to be really really hard for him in the short term. In the long term, though, it's hugely important.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #37 of 86 (permalink) Old 09-07-2016, 06:24 PM
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Re: Should I tell my son I am not his biological father?

Your wife's memory may improve if your son presses her on the identity of the 2nd man. She may be withholding the information from you because of ________(make up a reason).

A case can be made for waiting until the child is an adult before divulging parentage. Parents can be concerned about how the child will be treated by classmates as children can be cruel.
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post #38 of 86 (permalink) Old 09-08-2016, 05:58 PM
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Re: Should I tell my son I am not his biological father?

Maj,

As an OC myself I encourage you to please tell your son NOW.

I didn't find out who my Mother was until years after she was dead, I got to visit her grave but that's it. There's a certain need for all of us to understand who we are, it may be ugly and complicated but it is better than being lied to for years and years.

Your Son has relatives who may be dying now.

I know my adoptive Mother wanted to tell me the truth every day of her life it was such a relief when I told her I know all about my Biological parents. My Adoptive Mother was in her 80's at the time, but I could feel her happiness about no longer being burdened with a secret.

Not only are you lying to your Son but your WW is too, how do you look at him everyday.

As others have said I don't know how you could keep this in, seeing a living reminder of your WW cheating on you, even if the cheating occurred before you were married.

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post #39 of 86 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 01:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Should I tell my son I am not his biological father?

Had a discussion with the W about this last night at dinner. As before, she is adamantly opposed to telling him the truth about paternity. She believes that would "take me away from him" in his eyes, and start questioning which parts of him are from his mother, and from bio Dad. He would also keep trying to find the bio Dad, which would be problematic, in her opinion. She doesn't care if he looks down on her for her life choices during that period of her life, but she wants to protect him from the pain of questioning his connection to us.

I pointed out that he might be upset, but could come to look at his parents in a new light and understand our relationship better (meaning I rescued her from a potentially troublesome life at a lower social-economic status, being a single-mom and probably ending up with a loser husband).

My only concern is I wouldn't be able to answer his questions about the bio Dad. All info comes from the W and according to her, she has very chant information about this man (not enough to perform any type of worthwhile search). She totally excludes the other guy (which I do have a lot of info on) because of his blood type and eye color. I know eye-color is not a a good gauge for paternity but not sure about blood type. Apparently when she called him after pregnancy, he told her his blood type and she determined later that he couldn't be the father.

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post #40 of 86 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 01:33 PM
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Re: Should I tell my son I am not his biological father?

I'm with others. Your wife is saying that she worries how he will feel about the truth in relation to his view of you and your marriage.

No one has any idea how he will take it until he hears the truth. I also believe he deserves to know. If he ever needs genetic testing done for health reasons, or fertility reasons, etc, the truth is going to come out. It's just a matter of when. Would you rather he hear it from someone who loves him or from a stranger that doesn't give a damn who he is?


"If you deliberately plan on being less than you are capable of being, then I warn you that you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life."

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post #41 of 86 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 01:37 PM
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Re: Should I tell my son I am not his biological father?

given that this will leave him with more questions than answers i'm not sure i would proceed with this.
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post #42 of 86 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 02:04 PM
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Re: Should I tell my son I am not his biological father?

IMO your wife's primary concern is what he'll think of her -- not what he'll think of you.

He deserves to know the truth.
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post #43 of 86 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 05:53 PM
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Re: Should I tell my son I am not his biological father?

Please do not continue with this charade. That boy has a right to know. Your wife is being selfish. How would you feel if you found out that your entire life was based on a lie? That your parents didn't love you enough to tell you the truth? Because this will come across as you and your wife protecting yourselves at his expense should he find out another way. Don't let his 22nd birthday roll around without telling him.
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post #44 of 86 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 05:58 PM
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Re: Should I tell my son I am not his biological father?

To be blunt, it sounds like your wife is concerned with keeping her affair secret and protecting the OM/bio-father from having his bio-son come knocking on his door. In other words, she is prioritizing continuing to keep her dirty little secret over her sons right to know the truth of his paternity.

She's been lying and concealing all these years. She wants to maintain the status quo. Especially since, once her son knows and asks questions, she'll have to come across with the actual truth about both OM. You may have been willing to accept her bullsh!t, but your son will press the issue and she knows it.
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post #45 of 86 (permalink) Old 09-09-2016, 06:03 PM
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Re: Should I tell my son I am not his biological father?

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Originally Posted by MAJDEATH View Post
Had a discussion with the W about this last night at dinner. As before, she is adamantly opposed to telling him the truth about paternity. She believes that would "take me away from him" in his eyes, and start questioning which parts of him are from his mother, and from bio Dad. He would also keep trying to find the bio Dad, which would be problematic, in her opinion. She doesn't care if he looks down on her for her life choices during that period of her life, but she wants to protect him from the pain of questioning his connection to us.

I pointed out that he might be upset, but could come to look at his parents in a new light and understand our relationship better (meaning I rescued her from a potentially troublesome life at a lower social-economic status, being a single-mom and probably ending up with a loser husband).

My only concern is I wouldn't be able to answer his questions about the bio Dad. All info comes from the W and according to her, she has very chant information about this man (not enough to perform any type of worthwhile search). She totally excludes the other guy (which I do have a lot of info on) because of his blood type and eye color. I know eye-color is not a a good gauge for paternity but not sure about blood type. Apparently when she called him after pregnancy, he told her his blood type and she determined later that he couldn't be the father.
What are your eye colors (yours, hers, your son's)?
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