Was my wife wrong with this discipline for our son? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 10-02-2016, 08:10 AM Thread Starter
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Was my wife wrong with this discipline for our son?

A little background. My wife is a great mother even though we have serious issues within our relationship she's a great mother. That said, we have different views on parenting in many ways. We both agree with tough love. Meaning if our son falls and starts crying we don't panic and run over and pick him up and coddle him. Unless, of course, it's serious but 99% of the time it never is. We both give him a ton of affection and love but we don't coddle him. He will grow up to be a man. He will get bumps and bruises, he will get into fights, he will climb trees, and he will treat people with respect.

In our parenting however, we take nearly completely different approaches to disciplining him. She's the one that will yell at him whenever he does something wrong. I hardly ever yell and choose to take the stern approach and tell him I'm disappointed in him and make him talk about what he did wrong and why his action impact others and/or himself. I feel my way gets thru to him better and he learns more from his mistakes.

Anyways, that's just how we are different.

Our son has gastro issues (delayed gastric emptying-basically full of crap) and he needs to take Miralax every single day. He is also tiny for his age so it's important he eat everything we feed him. He was having severe stomach pains so the GI doctor ran a ton of tests but couldn't find any problems. He had us take him off dairy and up his Mirilax. Things rapidly improved.

Our son is a lazy eater so if you're not constantly telling him to take another bit he will never finish his meals. The past few days he went to school without drinking his almond milk w/Mirilax and my wife freaked out on him. Yesterday, he skipped his milk again and as a punishment my wife made him pay her $4 for the cost of the milk. I totally don't agree with this but she insists it's how he will learn.

CHARGING AN 8 YEAR OLD MONEY BECAUSE HE DIDN'T DRINK HIS MILK?????

Am I wrong in thinking this was a terrible decision on her part or did she do the right thing? This morning he drank all his milk without issue. I know she is just going to put the $4 back in his savings but she won't tell him she did.

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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 10-02-2016, 08:44 AM
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Re: Was my wife wrong with this discipline for our son?

It worked.

Sorry you have an ill son.

This is the part that you talked about....."We do not coddle him".

You love your son...it is hard to discipline a child, especially when you love them with all your heart.

Good luck.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 10-02-2016, 09:57 AM
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Re: Was my wife wrong with this discipline for our son?

Your question is impossible to answer without knowing the average cost of milk in your area.

Given the outrageous costs of dairy products nowadays I'm thinking she cut him a break.

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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 10-04-2016, 04:50 PM
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Re: Was my wife wrong with this discipline for our son?

The message the pair of you are sending your son is not particularly helpful for later in his life.

One very important factor that you failed to mention is your son's age. What is appropriate for a 14yr old is not appropriate for a 7yr old, and vice versa, due to the differences in their developmental stages (ie how they process information).

Also w/regards to your son's diet, as a curiosity, what's his gluten intake? Gluten is particularly troublesome for bloat and leakage and other gut issues.

One of the difficulties with the $4 retribution, is that it -rapidly- builds to the concept of money==justice. Don't like it all I do is, pay someone off - and worse, the constant belief that behaviour can be coerced with money regardless of the lesser parties feelings. This is why it is so different for different age groups. A 14yr old has the intellectual capability to process "why these health things must be done"; while a 7yr old cannot simply because they are more psychologically orientated to the authority figures in their life, and still learning how to weight intellectual information. In the middle of those ages, are stages of questioning, examining, and testing - not unlike the process a toddler goes through developing from crawl/buttslide to walking.
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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 04:21 AM
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Unhappy Re: Was my wife wrong with this discipline for our son?

IMO, "discipline" needs to happen to HELP a child learn and grow up knowing right from wrong or understanding things and NOT just to satisfy the angry, humiliated or vengeful NEEDS of the Disciplinarian.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Looking2Change View Post
She's the one that will yell at him whenever he does something wrong.
So is this "yelling" intended to help and improve your son or merely satisfy your wife's need for retaliation, control and emotional relief? Exactly how does YELLING help or improve anyone? All yelling ever did for me was set up a permanent sense of intimidated dread, humiliation, fear, extreme stress and ultimately bitter HATRED for my very ignorant parents.

Quote:
I hardly ever yell and choose to take the stern approach and tell him I'm disappointed in him and make him talk about what he did wrong and why his action impact others and/or himself. I feel my way gets thru to him better and he learns more from his mistakes.
Your "method" could help him more than yelling and intimidation, provided your son respects you and actually learns something from you.

Quote:
Anyways, that's just how we are different.
Yes, one of you is helping your son while the other is mentally damaging him and the mental damages will over-ride the help in most cases!

Quote:
Our son is a lazy eater so if you're not constantly telling him to take another bit he will never finish his meals.
Is he "lazy" or has he learned to do that just to get the attention he wants but cannot get any other way? Have you both unwittingly conditioned him to eat that way just to get some attention from you?


Quote:
The past few days he went to school without drinking his almond milk w/Mirilax and my wife freaked out on him. Yesterday, he skipped his milk again and as a punishment my wife made him pay her $4 for the cost of the milk. I totally don't agree with this but she insists it's how he will learn.
To teach him something or satisfy her need for REVENGE?

Quote:
CHARGING AN 8 YEAR OLD MONEY BECAUSE HE DIDN'T DRINK HIS MILK?????
Probably better than YELLING at him!

Quote:
Am I wrong in thinking this was a terrible decision on her part or did she do the right thing?
You tell me! Was she RIGHT???? You are WRONG for failing to protect your innocent son from his abusive mother IF you believe she is NOT doing what is right! You are the only other powerful person in your own home who can and SHOULD protect your own son from abusers!!!!!

Quote:
This morning he drank all his milk without issue. I know she is just going to put the $4 back in his savings but she won't tell him she did.
So not only is she abusive, she also likes to play MIND GAMES with her own child! Whew, someone needs to step up and protect this helpless little kid from his own parents! I'm sure there must be a lot of ways to HELP a child learn to be responsible WITHOUT intimidation and mind games - all of which are only meant to PLEASE the needs of the very foolish parents.

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