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post #16 of 30 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 08:30 AM
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Re: My husband has disowned our daughter

That's a way over-the-top reaction (unless there are cultural considerations). Why did she decide to risk telling him after you told her not to?

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post #17 of 30 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 09:43 AM
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Re: My husband has disowned our daughter

Agreed with the questioning of your husbands motivation.

Who is your husband?

Just so I do not get caught with a lack of background information:


What eise has happened in your daughters life?
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post #18 of 30 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 09:44 AM
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Re: My husband has disowned our daughter

Your husband is teaching your daughter to never tell him about anything. She'll never feel safe talking to him for fear of his reaction. That's so sad that he had to react that way.

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post #19 of 30 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 12:53 PM
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Re: My husband has disowned our daughter

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Originally Posted by tropicalbeachiwish View Post
Your husband is teaching your daughter to never tell him about anything. She'll never feel safe talking to him for fear of his reaction. That's so sad that he had to react that way.
there's nothing positive about what you are saying, I'll agree......... but it's not that unusual.
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post #20 of 30 (permalink) Old 10-17-2016, 01:02 PM
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Re: My husband has disowned our daughter

I had this happen to me, Daughter didn't tell me for about a year and a half......

Husband needs to understand why women do not report this stuff. It is out of fear in every case.

Fear of the shame

Fear of retribution by the man involved

Fear of Dad's reaction

Fear of re-living the emotions felt during the abuse during the justice process.

There are likely more, these are the ones my daughter acknowledged over time.

Dad needs to understand who was the victim here, and acknowledge that it was not him.
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post #21 of 30 (permalink) Old 10-18-2016, 05:47 AM
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Re: My husband has disowned our daughter

Moderator message: Unhelpful and off topic replies will be deleted and could result in bans.

The OP wants helpful advice, not religious or political messages.

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post #22 of 30 (permalink) Old 10-18-2016, 05:51 AM
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Re: My husband has disowned our daughter

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That's a way over-the-top reaction (unless there are cultural considerations). Why did she decide to risk telling him after you told her not to?
Why? Because he was her dad. Until he proved that he wasn't.

He has proved himself to not be much good as a father, is probably equally duff as a husband and needs to be put on the free transfer list. IMO.

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post #23 of 30 (permalink) Old 10-18-2016, 08:40 AM
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Re: My husband has disowned our daughter

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Why? Because he was her dad. Until he proved that he wasn't.

He has proved himself to not be much good as a father, is probably equally duff as a husband and needs to be put on the free transfer list. IMO.
Yes, it's true that he's her dad but her mom told her not to tell him so they likely knew he wouldn't react well. If he's from a conservative culture that could explain it. Or, as you said, he's just not much good as a father. In any event, they probably knew he was not going to be supportive so why tell him. Although the world has changed tremendously since I was her age, it's still full of parents (and not just dads) who act like him. Unfortunately.
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post #24 of 30 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 03:49 AM
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Unhappy Re: My husband has disowned our daughter

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Hello,
I'm new here and don't even know if I am putting this in the right forum. My husband and I have been married for 28 years and have a 25 year old daughter. In 2009 when she was in college, her boyfriend abused her. She didn't tell anyone about it until this spring. When she told me, I guess I made the mistake of telling her not to tell her father because I know it was going to set him off.

She told him on Friday and it set him off. He is more angry that she didn't tell the police at the time. He keeps saying that no woman in his family would let that happen and not tell anyone and he said she is not his daughter and basically wants nothing to do with her.

I don't know what to do and have nobody to talk to.

Do you think he will eventually talk to her again? I'm scared.
IMO, she did not get the kind of adequate parenting that could have prepared her to deal with such an Offender, so she will be much better off WITHOUT those inadequate parent(s). Your daughter is the VICTIM of inadequate parenting that FAILED to adequately prepare her for life in the real world before it was TOO LATE! Perhaps some other, more useful people will come into her life and HELP her face Offenders from now on!

choose happiness
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post #25 of 30 (permalink) Old 12-11-2016, 03:59 AM
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Cool Re: My husband has disowned our daughter

Truth be told, your H is an habitual emotional abuser of most anyone who comes within the confines of his life, albeit family, work, or whatever!

The two of you are definitely candidates for MC, or in the very least, some rather intensive IC!



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post #26 of 30 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 11:28 AM
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Re: My husband has disowned our daughter

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IMO, she did not get the kind of adequate parenting that could have prepared her to deal with such an Offender, so she will be much better off WITHOUT those inadequate parent(s). Your daughter is the VICTIM of inadequate parenting that FAILED to adequately prepare her for life in the real world before it was TOO LATE! Perhaps some other, more useful people will come into her life and HELP her face Offenders from now on!
That was unjustified, ignorant and uncalled for.

The blame of an abusive situation rests with the abuser themselves. It is a highly complex subject and to try and blame the victims parents without any information to justify doing so highlights only your failure to understand.

For the record I think the fathers actions now are pretty well unforgivable but that is not the same as blaming the parents for the original situation.
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post #27 of 30 (permalink) Old 12-12-2016, 12:39 PM
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Re: My husband has disowned our daughter

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IMO, she did not get the kind of adequate parenting that could have prepared her to deal with such an Offender, so she will be much better off WITHOUT those inadequate parent(s). Your daughter is the VICTIM of inadequate parenting that FAILED to adequately prepare her for life in the real world before it was TOO LATE! Perhaps some other, more useful people will come into her life and HELP her face Offenders from now on!
Is that what happened to you?
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post #28 of 30 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 05:23 AM
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Re: My husband has disowned our daughter

You read stuff like this and think no rational thinking person (dad here) could ever disown their child over an incident like being abused, but sadly it happens. Recently one of my employees had a big blow up at her house when their 19 year old daughter announced she was joining the ROTC, the dad became so angry he threw the girl out of the house, took her truck away and told her if she goes thru with it he never wanted to see her again. This is a good kid just trying to find her way thru life and dad has to be an ass about it.

OP the only reasons I could see dad being upset with your daughter is either he felt she had it coming (maybe she has been promiscuous or dresses trashy in dads view?) or he felt like a failure for not being able to protect his daughter and it hurts him to even see her. Regardless at the very moment your daughter needs support dad fails to give it, in my eyes that is what makes him a failure as a father. This is a defining moment in your daughters life, it will forever change the dynamics of the father/daughter relationship.

Frankly OP I'm not sure how you can even look at your husband without spitting in his face.
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post #29 of 30 (permalink) Old 12-16-2016, 11:13 AM
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Re: My husband has disowned our daughter

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marybeth1024 View Post
Hello,
I'm new here and don't even know if I am putting this in the right forum. My husband and I have been married for 28 years and have a 25 year old daughter. In 2009 when she was in college, her boyfriend abused her. She didn't tell anyone about it until this spring. When she told me, I guess I made the mistake of telling her not to tell her father because I know it was going to set him off.

She told him on Friday and it set him off. He is more angry that she didn't tell the police at the time. He keeps saying that no woman in his family would let that happen and not tell anyone and he said she is not his daughter and basically wants nothing to do with her.

I don't know what to do and have nobody to talk to.

Do you think he will eventually talk to her again? I'm scared.
Similar situation with me and our daughter. She attempted to separate from her BF. He threatened suicide. She had no idea what to do. Said nothing to me or her mom. This wanting to separate came around a second time. There was some issues. She broke down crying to us stating he would commit suicide. Said he attempted this before. I was upset that she did not talk with us about it. She did not know what do to. We advise this was emotional manipulation. She did not understand this. We advised we are always her to talk with her no matter what. We also advised we can call 911 and have him collected for observation if he attempts this again. He did. I made the call after my daughter called me crying.

So, it appears your H is more so angry your daughter did not reach out for help from him. Perhaps she really did not know what to do. As far as disowning...he might want to rethink that.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road

Last edited by Yeswecan; 12-16-2016 at 11:21 AM.
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post #30 of 30 (permalink) Old 12-21-2016, 03:32 AM
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Re: My husband has disowned our daughter

@Marybeth1024 how is it going?

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