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post #16 of 49 (permalink) Old 10-19-2016, 02:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Experience/advice with cutting

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Originally Posted by Yeswecan View Post
My W and I had the same experience with our daughter. It was in part do to low self-esteem and sexuality. She is a petite girl. Her small stature always made her self-esteem very low. Furthermore, one day at her school a boy turned to her and said the following, "You are about the most ugliest thing I have ever seen." Imagine her self-esteem after that statement. Little prepubescent punk. I hope a thousand fleas infest his armpits for a thousand years for saying that. After many years of taking our daughter to doctors who specialize in smaller kids, finding clothing that is for teen girls and shoes that don't have Dora the Explore on them did she finally stop. We also had some counseling that involved individual and both myself and W in one session. My W is 5'1". Our daughter is 5'0". Nothing holds her back except herself.

I image your daughter is having some self-esteem issues. Perhaps to how she looks. A group at school are perhaps bullying. These are the things that are hard to pry out of their developing brain. It is very trying to say the least. More than likely your D will talk about things with the counselor because there will be no judgments made. Simply talk. Sometimes you can say the same to your D. No judgment. Simply talk.
Self esteem is a big issue with her. Last year a girl who was supposed to be one of her best friends called her fat. My daughter is about 5'9" and 170. She carries a bit of extra weight according to the BMI charts, but in my opinion isn't "fat", by any means. And people have told me that her beauty is breath taking, and they are correct. She's far from ugly and I tell her all the time how beautiful she is. But when a kids esteem is beaten down, it's hard for them to get out of that slump.

Some kids can be so cruel.

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post #17 of 49 (permalink) Old 10-19-2016, 02:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Experience/advice with cutting

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Until such time as you can either move or expand, short of kicking out your husband and his kids twice a month is there anywhere in the house that you can grab enough space for a small bedroom? You don't need much and you might be surprised at how you can carve out the needed space by either finishing part of the basement, or garage, or an all weather porch, or remove a large closet or part of a laundry area or mudroom, and/or steal some space from an adjacent room..been there, done that. Usually you can find the space if you look hard enough and are willing to make some sacrifices.
I SO wish there was room to utilize. Our home is 910 square feet. The basement is damp & cold. I have a back room that gets cold in the winter, leads to the deck/back yard which is the way we let our dogs out into the yard. My best thought so far, is buying a sofa bed couch and H and I sleeping in the living room and moving his kids into our room, until we are sure we can do the addition.
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post #18 of 49 (permalink) Old 10-19-2016, 02:26 PM
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Re: Experience/advice with cutting

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Self esteem is a big issue with her. Last year a girl who was supposed to be one of her best friends called her fat. My daughter is about 5'9" and 170. She carries a bit of extra weight according to the BMI charts, but in my opinion isn't "fat", by any means. And people have told me that her beauty is breath taking, and they are correct. She's far from ugly and I tell her all the time how beautiful she is. But when a kids esteem is beaten down, it's hard for them to get out of that slump.

Some kids can be so cruel.
Yes LBM, I have no doubt your daughter is suffering from self-esteem and self-image issue. Everyone in the world could call your D and my D the most beautiful swan in the world and they would believe it if it was just not for that one kid that called them fat or ugly. It is very hard to get them out of the slump. What did it for our D was landing a job and finding that boys did like her. Asking for a date. Finding clothing that was like the other teenage girls(remember her small stature XXS is what she wears) makes it hard to find clothing that fits and is for teenagers. She wears a size 2 shoe in womens! Those you don't find at the local friggin Walmart. Anyway, our D has overcome a lot of esteem issues but carries some as well. We found shops that carried XXS clothing that made her look like the other teenagers. She now fit in as it were.

Anyway, I'm sure you tell you D that she is beautiful and a catch just like we did with ours but in their mind you are mom/dad. You are supposed to say those things. They appear to be validated when this comes from outside the family. Let me say it will happen. Until then you try your best to navigate the growing pains as best you can. Be supportive. Always remind them they can talk to you about ANYTHING without judgment.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #19 of 49 (permalink) Old 10-19-2016, 02:26 PM
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Re: Experience/advice with cutting

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I SO wish there was room to utilize. Our home is 910 square feet. The basement is damp & cold. I have a back room that gets cold in the winter, leads to the deck/back yard which is the way we let our dogs out into the yard. My best thought so far, is buying a sofa bed couch and H and I sleeping in the living room and moving his kids into our room, until we are sure we can do the addition.
You've got the space. Not sure how handy your husband is but like I said I've been there. The basement is damp and cold, so what. It's dry, right? That's all that matters.

The walls get painted with Dry Lock concrete sealer, then plastic sheets are hung around the perimeter by stapling them into the ceiling joists to hold them up, then using aluminum studs which are easily cut using a snipper and framed using a cordless screwdriver, walls are placed around the perimeter and then insulated and finished with paneling and sheetrock. Drop a grid ceiling and paint the walls, install a low pile all weather carpet or those self stick carpet squares; put a portable heater and dehumidifer down there and you're done, a few weekends worth of work and maybe 2k total materials.

She won't be disappointed.
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post #20 of 49 (permalink) Old 10-19-2016, 03:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Experience/advice with cutting

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Yes LBM, I have no doubt your daughter is suffering from self-esteem and self-image issue. Everyone in the world could call your D and my D the most beautiful swan in the world and they would believe it if it was just not for that one kid that called them fat or ugly. It is very hard to get them out of the slump. What did it for our D was landing a job and finding that boys did like her. Asking for a date. Finding clothing that was like the other teenage girls(remember her small stature XXS is what she wears) makes it hard to find clothing that fits and is for teenagers. She wears a size 2 shoe in womens! Those you don't find at the local friggin Walmart. Anyway, our D has overcome a lot of esteem issues but carries some as well. We found shops that carried XXS clothing that made her look like the other teenagers. She now fit in as it were.

Anyway, I'm sure you tell you D that she is beautiful and a catch just like we did with ours but in their mind you are mom/dad. You are supposed to say those things. They appear to be validated when this comes from outside the family. Let me say it will happen. Until then you try your best to navigate the growing pains as best you can. Be supportive. Always remind them they can talk to you about ANYTHING without judgment.
YES!! I think that too, coming from mom/dad and family, she feels that's what we are supposed to say! I'm so glad I'm not alone in those feelings. I'm glad you've over come this with you D. It makes me hopeful to think that I'm on my way to getting mine healthy and happy. I look forward to those moments where she starts dating and getting the good attention (other than me and family)that she needs. I may have to hurt any boy who decides to hurts her once we've over come this! Ha!! Thank you so much for you help.
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post #21 of 49 (permalink) Old 10-19-2016, 03:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Experience/advice with cutting

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You've got the space. Not sure how handy your husband is but like I said I've been there. The basement is damp and cold, so what. It's dry, right? That's all that matters.

The walls get painted with Dry Lock concrete sealer, then plastic sheets are hung around the perimeter by stapling them into the ceiling joists to hold them up, then using aluminum studs which are easily cut using a snipper and framed using a cordless screwdriver, walls are placed around the perimeter and then insulated and finished with paneling and sheetrock. Drop a grid ceiling and paint the walls, install a low pile all weather carpet or those self stick carpet squares; put a portable heater and dehumidifer down there and you're done, a few weekends worth of work and maybe 2k total materials.

She won't be disappointed.
It's not always dry. When it rains or in the spring water seeps in and the floor has water on it. Enough to turn the sump pump on. The concrete floor has cracks in various places. And my H is NOT a handy man at all. I do have people that are though. I'll talk to my dad and see what his take on doing this project is. I'm 5'5" and my head just clears the beams over head in the basement.
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post #22 of 49 (permalink) Old 10-19-2016, 03:20 PM
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Re: Experience/advice with cutting

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It's not always dry. When it rains or in the spring water seeps in and the floor has water on it. Enough to turn the sump pump on. The concrete floor has cracks in various places. And my H is NOT a handy man at all. I do have people that are though. I'll talk to my dad and see what his take on doing this project is. I'm 5'5" and my head just clears the beams over head in the basement.
Ok forget the basement unless you want to spend at least $5k waterproofing it and another $10k at least to hire a contractor to do the work or depend on friends and relatives or have someone shell it out, waterproof it and do whatever you can on your own. Anyone can paint and install peel and stick carpeting.

I forgot to mention electric, again not difficult and most handy guys can do it but if not there's going to be expense there as well.

That basement is low. I guess the answer to that one depends on how tall your daughter is. I'm thinking she wouldn't mind ducking under a few beams. Or put the younger kids down there.
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post #23 of 49 (permalink) Old 10-19-2016, 03:37 PM
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Re: Experience/advice with cutting

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YES!! I think that too, coming from mom/dad and family, she feels that's what we are supposed to say! I'm so glad I'm not alone in those feelings. I'm glad you've over come this with you D. It makes me hopeful to think that I'm on my way to getting mine healthy and happy. I look forward to those moments where she starts dating and getting the good attention (other than me and family)that she needs. I may have to hurt any boy who decides to hurts her once we've over come this! Ha!! Thank you so much for you help.
Concerning boyfriends, vet them well and speak to your daughter often if she dates the lucky lad for a extended period. These boys are not always as they seem. We discovered our daughters boyfriend emotionally manipulated her. Once she attempted to break the relationship. He manipulated her by stating he would kill himself. Just the past weekend she did finally say she was breaking up. At this point our daughter broke down and said at one time he said he would kill himself if she left him. Understand she did not see this was manipulative. I stated to our D that if your BF says that call me and I will call the police. Bluffing or not...he will get the message. Well you guessed it. He said he would kill himself in text and over the phone. Guess were XBF is currently after getting handcuffed by the local police? The hospital ward with a doctor. He will be their for possibly up to a week.

So, please please please always be a part of the conversation when it comes to your D and dating. Specially the birds and bees talk!

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #24 of 49 (permalink) Old 10-19-2016, 03:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Experience/advice with cutting

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Ok forget the basement unless you want to spend at least $5k waterproofing it and another $10k at least to hire a contractor to do the work or depend on friends and relatives or have someone shell it out, waterproof it and do whatever you can on your own. Anyone can paint and install peel and stick carpeting.

I forgot to mention electric, again not difficult and most handy guys can do it but if not there's going to be expense there as well.

That basement is low. I guess the answer to that one depends on how tall your daughter is. I'm thinking she wouldn't mind ducking under a few beams. Or put the younger kids down there.
That amount of $ to do a room in the basement is about half of what we were quoted by a contractor to to a 26' x 16' addition on our house. I'm thinking we CAN go ahead with the addition but want to know for sure how much support my H is going to have to pay before making a final decision.

I'd be for having the room in the basement done for my H's kids, but again, I know he wouldn't be okay with them staying down there alone. He'd end up sleeping with them every other weekend. I'm trying not to question why he's so adamant about them not being on a different floor than everyone else. It just creates a fight.
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post #25 of 49 (permalink) Old 10-19-2016, 04:02 PM
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Re: Experience/advice with cutting

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That amount of $ to do a room in the basement is about half of what we were quoted by a contractor to to a 26' x 16' addition on our house. I'm thinking we CAN go ahead with the addition but want to know for sure how much support my H is going to have to pay before making a final decision.

I'd be for having the room in the basement done for my H's kids, but again, I know he wouldn't be okay with them staying down there alone. He'd end up sleeping with them every other weekend. I'm trying not to question why he's so adamant about them not being on a different floor than everyone else. It just creates a fight.
Maybe instead of questioning why he's so adamant, you could ask him what he would need to have them on another floor.

I wouldn't be comfortable with my small children on a lower floor of the house than me either, but that's because on weekends they would be up and into stuff (sugar, cartoons, general mischief) very early in the morning.

I would be ok with it though, if i had a baby monitor and slide locks installed high on the outside doors. If you and your husband could figure out a plan like this, then his kids could be in the living room and your daughter could have her room to herself until the child support is settled and the addition is built for her.


Forget enough to get over it, remember enough so it doesn't happen again.
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post #26 of 49 (permalink) Old 10-19-2016, 04:08 PM
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Re: Experience/advice with cutting

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I'd be for having the room in the basement done for my H's kids, but again, I know he wouldn't be okay with them staying down there alone. He'd end up sleeping with them every other weekend. I'm trying not to question why he's so adamant about them not being on a different floor than everyone else. It just creates a fight.
This is an entirely different issue and points to deeper problems.

I think you said he moved into your house, is that correct?

So he moves in, he saves whatever he was paying elsewhere, your daughter is forced to give up her privacy, the intended plan is shut down because of issues he has with his exwife and the sudden unexpected child support expense.. one of the best available options is shut down because "he cannot fathom the thought of his children being on a different floor" .. and it turns into a blow out?

There's a lot wrong there and it has nothing to do with fixing up a damp basement. At the very least, he's extremely rigid and inflexible, and very unreasonable and unwilling to compromise, yet very willing to let you solve all of his problems.

This doesn't fix him, but maybe he's thinking about the kids being shut away in a basement. If the door is removed, and the basement stairway is opened up with a railing it starts to feel like one big space.
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post #27 of 49 (permalink) Old 10-20-2016, 04:04 PM
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Re: Experience/advice with cutting

Have you asked your daughter if she would mind giving up her bedroom every other weekend? Beats sharing it with two others. She might even like having the whole bottom floor to herself. Or, do what you were thinking - you and husband sleep downstairs (you might like the privacy).
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post #28 of 49 (permalink) Old 10-21-2016, 01:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Experience/advice with cutting

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Concerning boyfriends, vet them well and speak to your daughter often if she dates the lucky lad for a extended period. These boys are not always as they seem. We discovered our daughters boyfriend emotionally manipulated her. Once she attempted to break the relationship. He manipulated her by stating he would kill himself. Just the past weekend she did finally say she was breaking up. At this point our daughter broke down and said at one time he said he would kill himself if she left him. Understand she did not see this was manipulative. I stated to our D that if your BF says that call me and I will call the police. Bluffing or not...he will get the message. Well you guessed it. He said he would kill himself in text and over the phone. Guess were XBF is currently after getting handcuffed by the local police? The hospital ward with a doctor. He will be their for possibly up to a week.

So, please please please always be a part of the conversation when it comes to your D and dating. Specially the birds and bees talk!
Thank you for your advice. Luckily we're not there yet but it's good to be prepared for when the time comes. Which is probably sooner than I think or hope.
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post #29 of 49 (permalink) Old 10-21-2016, 01:52 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Experience/advice with cutting

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This is an entirely different issue and points to deeper problems.

I think you said he moved into your house, is that correct?

So he moves in, he saves whatever he was paying elsewhere, your daughter is forced to give up her privacy, the intended plan is shut down because of issues he has with his exwife and the sudden unexpected child support expense.. one of the best available options is shut down because "he cannot fathom the thought of his children being on a different floor" .. and it turns into a blow out?

There's a lot wrong there and it has nothing to do with fixing up a damp basement. At the very least, he's extremely rigid and inflexible, and very unreasonable and unwilling to compromise, yet very willing to let you solve all of his problems.

This doesn't fix him, but maybe he's thinking about the kids being shut away in a basement. If the door is removed, and the basement stairway is opened up with a railing it starts to feel like one big space.

Yes, he moved into my home. The mortgage is still in my name only. With the addition, we were going to refinance and have his name added to the mortgage. He saves a good amount of $ by having moved out of his apartment and into my home. We do share all expenses though. And correct, the possible addition is on hold because of the child support issue with his ex. We find out next month how much he will have to pay each pay week.

I don't want to say he's hung up on his children because that's a bit much and in my opinion sounds *****y, angry, bitter etc and I'm not. Because of what's happening w/my daughter, I've been questioning whether I should have been more hung up on her.

At times there are issues re:rules of the house that are have been set between him and I for all children and mine are expected to follow but he often does those things for his kids. For example putting clean clothes away. We wash, dry & fold, then put them on each childs bed. All are expected to put their own clothes away in drawers. He ends up putting his kids away.

When I met H, his children were 8 & 6. He slept in bed with them each night. He still wiped their butt, dressed them, bathed them etc. Maybe that's normal for some, but for my children, I taught them to do a lot of that by that age. They may have needed some help but a lot was completed by themselves. He's very protective of his children. They can't go in the front yard now at 12 & 10 without him being with them. We live on a quiet street and a very safe neighborhood. I've been there for 15 years and never had anything bad happen.

I feel like he thinks of himself and what's best for his kids first and foremost sometimes rather than what's best for everyone as a whole. We've had these discussions before and it turns into a heated argument. We've also discussed the situation in couples counseling and the counselor basically told him he needed to lighten up. She suspected that he has deeper things that haunt him based on his upbringing and his parents divorce.

I don't want to beat up on him and I don't want him to come off as a jerk, because he is a great husband. There's just these things that after we talk, things heat up, he changes for a while, then it's back to the way it was. I keep thinking that it's all a matter of time and the kids will be out and on their own.
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post #30 of 49 (permalink) Old 10-21-2016, 01:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Experience/advice with cutting

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Maybe instead of questioning why he's so adamant, you could ask him what he would need to have them on another floor.

I wouldn't be comfortable with my small children on a lower floor of the house than me either, but that's because on weekends they would be up and into stuff (sugar, cartoons, general mischief) very early in the morning.

I would be ok with it though, if i had a baby monitor and slide locks installed high on the outside doors. If you and your husband could figure out a plan like this, then his kids could be in the living room and your daughter could have her room to herself until the child support is settled and the addition is built for her.
That's a great idea. He and I have a planned talk tonight about the entire situation so I'll present that to him that way.
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