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post #31 of 49 (permalink) Old 10-21-2016, 02:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Experience/advice with cutting

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Have you asked your daughter if she would mind giving up her bedroom every other weekend? Beats sharing it with two others. She might even like having the whole bottom floor to herself. Or, do what you were thinking - you and husband sleep downstairs (you might like the privacy).
I haven't asked her that but I could. Part of me feels bad, like I'm kicking her out of the room that was hers first. But if there is no other solution, she might be open to that idea.

After coming up with the idea of giving up our room, giving it to his kids, and us sleeping on a sofa bed couch, it occurred to me that he and I would be sleeping on it every night of the week. It seems crazy when his kids are only over every other weekend. The practical solution is for his kids to sleep down stairs. Right? Hopefully, we will be able to do the addition in the end and everyone will be happy.

The whole situation is crazy and making me out of my mind. I went to heat up a cup of water in the microwave to have some tea, only I forgot to put water in the cup.

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post #32 of 49 (permalink) Old 10-21-2016, 03:23 PM
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Re: Experience/advice with cutting

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And I'm feeling like I've made a huge mistake in this sense, as well. My husband and I were in the beginning stages of financing an addition on our home to give my daughter her own space/room. And then out of the blue, his ex swoops in and hits him up for child support. In my previous posts, I think I mentioned how his ex "opted out" of support. Well we know he's going to have to pay, we're just not sure yet. So, the addition process has been put on hold.

I thought with the counseling I had my daughter in after my divorce, had set her on a good path.

I feel like complete crap. Feeling like the choices I've made have been a contributing factor in this. I'm currently trying to figure out how to resolve the living arrangement. The only option, aside from H staying in a hotel with his kids every other weekend is his kids sleep on the couches in the living room. Which H has said they'd do. But that also means every other weekend H and I will not be sleeping in the same bed, because he won't have his kids sleeping downstairs alone, while the rest of us are upstairs.

I know more than anything my daughters well being is what matters most. And I'm determined to get her well.

Thank you for your input. I appreciate it.
So hard this.

Teenagers are in the midst of surging sex and growth hormones. Anger and Anxiety are at their peak during this period. And those around them can stir up this anger, anxiety and frustration. It can be additive and fueled by Peer Pressure. By other frenzied teens! Flash mob madness.

Cutting oneself is the result of suppressed anger....maybe rage. Teens/adults usually restrain themselves from hurting {innocent} others. They release this inner tension by attacking their own selves [cells] {from without}.

Some teens go on shooting sprees. A dangerous time, this.

When I was a teenager I lived the rage. I did not cut myself. I tried to hurt others by being a bully.

As a teen, my sister cut her wrists, tried to commit suicide. I was in Vietnam at the time. Our house was pandemonium....so dysfunctional. Both my parents and their relatives and their friends...all hard core functional-alcoholics. They worked hard for 8 hours then came home... getting plastered.

Your home is much more loving and organized. Your daughter will get through this phase; not unscathed, un-scarred. Keep loving her. Tell it to her every day. Go out and do fun things together. Keep her mind off her problems and nightmares.

Some [lucky?] souls can glide through life, unfazed.........they are Potatoes......Yeppir!

Life is Great.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #33 of 49 (permalink) Old 10-21-2016, 03:25 PM
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Re: Experience/advice with cutting

Do you have a backyard?

Can you buy a camper and sleep in it at night.....for a few years?

Or add an addition to the house. Two new bedrooms...another bathroom.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
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post #34 of 49 (permalink) Old 10-21-2016, 03:57 PM
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Re: Experience/advice with cutting

Why would you have to give up your bedroom permanently? Just sleep down there when the kids are there. There is no reason a bedroom needs to be left empty the majority of the time.
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post #35 of 49 (permalink) Old 10-25-2016, 09:51 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Experience/advice with cutting

Thank you, so much. Slowly, we're making progress. Luckily, she's not suicidal. I feel that together, we have it all. It's just a matter of getting it all together. Putting things in order and handling first things, first.
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post #36 of 49 (permalink) Old 10-25-2016, 09:56 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Experience/advice with cutting

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Do you have a backyard?

Can you buy a camper and sleep in it at night.....for a few years?

Or add an addition to the house. Two new bedrooms...another bathroom.
We do have a nice size back yard. And sadly, in the summer I sold a pop up camper that I owned from my previous marriage. Things weren't this bad at that time. Or if they were, she didn't say anything about it.

We were in the process of starting the process for an addition but my H's ex, after opting out of child support in their divorce, decided that she now wants it. We know H will have to pay, we just don't know how much yet. We putt he addition on hold until we know that we can afford to do it. The next court date in Nov 4th. We'll know how much he has to pay then. Hopefully all will be good and we can do the addition. That's the best option.
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post #37 of 49 (permalink) Old 10-25-2016, 10:00 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Experience/advice with cutting

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Why would you have to give up your bedroom permanently? Just sleep down there when the kids are there. There is no reason a bedroom needs to be left empty the majority of the time.
My step children currently have bunk beds in my daughters room. We thought about taking our bed down and putting their bunk in our room and us staying downstairs. Which would mean our bed would be gone. Idk about SD & SS sleeping in our bed. I suppose they could every other weekend until we know how things are going to go. It's an option.
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post #38 of 49 (permalink) Old 10-25-2016, 10:55 PM
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Re: Experience/advice with cutting

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All she requested was for me to physically (she holes herself up in her room) check in on her twice daily and be available to her via text at any time. Of course she's in school during the week and I work so those check-ins start as soon as I get home from work.
You need to be her safe place with unquestionable trust. How are the check-ins going?

In school I had a friend who began cutting. There were issues at home. She then started dating a boy. Turns out he was hitting her and she was hiding it. She went to the school counselor although I don't know how much she confided. I left school and we parted ways. I heard from her some time later. She had attempted to take her life. When visiting her at the facility, her boyfriend was still there by her side. I looked him in the eye but couldn't bring myself to talk to him.

I'm writing this with a teenage perspective from that time. The adult perspective considers she needed someone, her parents or mentor, to feel safety and trust. Whatever is happening, for her to know someone not only loves her but has her back. All the best to you and your daughter.

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post #39 of 49 (permalink) Old 11-02-2016, 10:59 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Experience/advice with cutting

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You need to be her safe place with unquestionable trust. How are the check-ins going?

In school I had a friend who began cutting. There were issues at home. She then started dating a boy. Turns out he was hitting her and she was hiding it. She went to the school counselor although I don't know how much she confided. I left school and we parted ways. I heard from her some time later. She had attempted to take her life. When visiting her at the facility, her boyfriend was still there by her side. I looked him in the eye but couldn't bring myself to talk to him.

I'm writing this with a teenage perspective from that time. The adult perspective considers she needed someone, her parents or mentor, to feel safety and trust. Whatever is happening, for her to know someone not only loves her but has her back. All the best to you and your daughter.
Check-ins have been going pretty well. She ended up in the ER because while she has a hard time verbalizing how she feels, she managed that day to break loose. In her (innocent) rage she had a melt down and said help was taking too long and she felt the only way to escape it all was suicide. I, with the counselors advice, took her to the hospital and she was evaluated and released home 7 hours later.

I feel helpless and like a failure as a mom. For everything else I have always managed to 'fix it.' This is a whole new experience for me. I'm trying SO hard to be everything she needs, but it's so hard because SHE doesn't even know what she needs and struggles with communication.

The psychiatrist who evaluated her said she is incredibly smart, mature and in tune to everyone's feeling etc, around her. She's not your average 14 year old. The psychiatrist suggested my daughter pursue a career in psychology.

The psychiatrist and counselor suggested a low does of antidepressants. She's started those last Saturday and her weekly counseling appointments have been boosted up to three times a week.

It's going to be a long hike, to get her on a good path. I'll be by her side every step of the way.

Thank you for your post. It's reassuring and helpful to hear/see things from other perspectives.
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post #40 of 49 (permalink) Old 11-02-2016, 11:27 AM
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Re: Experience/advice with cutting

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Check-ins have been going pretty well. She ended up in the ER because while she has a hard time verbalizing how she feels, she managed that day to break loose. In her (innocent) rage she had a melt down and said help was taking too long and she felt the only way to escape it all was suicide. I, with the counselors advice, took her to the hospital and she was evaluated and released home 7 hours later.



I feel helpless and like a failure as a mom. For everything else I have always managed to 'fix it.' This is a whole new experience for me. I'm trying SO hard to be everything she needs, but it's so hard because SHE doesn't even know what she needs and struggles with communication.



The psychiatrist who evaluated her said she is incredibly smart, mature and in tune to everyone's feeling etc, around her. She's not your average 14 year old. The psychiatrist suggested my daughter pursue a career in psychology.



The psychiatrist and counselor suggested a low does of antidepressants. She's started those last Saturday and her weekly counseling appointments have been boosted up to three times a week.



It's going to be a long hike, to get her on a good path. I'll be by her side every step of the way.



Thank you for your post. It's reassuring and helpful to hear/see things from other perspectives.


I'm so sorry you are both going through this... We are in the same place with my 14 yr old son again. It is so hard not being able to fix everything and so heartbreaking to helplessly watch them suffer.

You are doing all the right things... I've had to have my son risk assessed 4 times in the last two weeks, but it's necessary to ensure he's safe. Even though he fights it at the time, he has told me that it does let him know I care and take it seriously.

(((Hugs)))


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post #41 of 49 (permalink) Old 11-02-2016, 11:46 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Experience/advice with cutting

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I'm so sorry you are both going through this... We are in the same place with my 14 yr old son again. It is so hard not being able to fix everything and so heartbreaking to helplessly watch them suffer.

You are doing all the right things... I've had to have my son risk assessed 4 times in the last two weeks, but it's necessary to ensure he's safe. Even though he fights it at the time, he has told me that it does let him know I care and take it seriously.

(((Hugs)))


I'm sorry, that you are struggling with your son. I felt awful for my daughter when I took her to the hospital. Thankfully, she didn't fight it. Her anxiety was at an all time high at that point. She was worried about what people were going to think of her. She said "everyone is going to think I'm a whack job." I assured her no one was going to think that of her and it was for her safety. I explained that I was clueless at that moment and had no idea how to help her. The fact that she said felt if she started cutting again that she wouldn't be able to stop, scared the crap out of me. Thankfully, the entire staff at the hospital were SO kind to her.

Gah, it's heart breaking, for sure. I hope things get better for you and your son soon.

(((Hugs))) to you as well.

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post #42 of 49 (permalink) Old 11-06-2016, 04:27 PM
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Re: Experience/advice with cutting

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I feel helpless and like a failure as a mom. For everything else I have always managed to 'fix it.' This is a whole new experience for me. I'm trying SO hard to be everything she needs, but it's so hard because SHE doesn't even know what she needs and struggles with communication.
This must be extremely hard as a parent, I can only imagine. As much as possible, please don't allow any blame to rest on your shoulders. There's no reason to hold blame and it's not helpful to you or her. You are doing whatever you can to help her.

Keeping in mind that I don't have children and am not a professional - just a random writing online - I did have a thought when reading that she doesn't know how to determine and/or express what she needs. And that is, could you be in your home alone with her or somewhere appropriate where your voices can just carry in the wind and not cause alarm to anyone... hold her hand and encourage her to scream or yell as a release? If you can, encourage a laugh afterwards and tell her (again) you're there for her no matter what she needs to express. I really wish you both the very best.

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post #43 of 49 (permalink) Old 11-07-2016, 12:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Experience/advice with cutting

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This must be extremely hard as a parent, I can only imagine. As much as possible, please don't allow any blame to rest on your shoulders. There's no reason to hold blame and it's not helpful to you or her. You are doing whatever you can to help her.

Keeping in mind that I don't have children and am not a professional - just a random writing online - I did have a thought when reading that she doesn't know how to determine and/or express what she needs. And that is, could you be in your home alone with her or somewhere appropriate where your voices can just carry in the wind and not cause alarm to anyone... hold her hand and encourage her to scream or yell as a release? If you can, encourage a laugh afterwards and tell her (again) you're there for her no matter what she needs to express. I really wish you both the very best.
That sounds like a great idea, yelling into the wind. I'm always willing to try anything to help. She's been on meds for a little over a week. While it seems to be helping ease her anxiety/depression, it's now causing her to get awful cramps in her legs. Three steps forward, two steps back. Still headed in the right direction though.
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post #44 of 49 (permalink) Old 11-11-2016, 02:21 PM
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Re: Experience/advice with cutting

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I found out last week that my 14 yo daughter has been cutting herself. I knew she was dealing with depression and anxiety. I took her to her Ped who sent a referral for counseling. She has been seeing a counselor for two weeks. Last week was the second appointment and the day she felt that I needed to know. She told her counselor the first week.

At counseling my daughter was asked by the counselor, what she needed from me at this point in time. All she requested was for me to physically (she holes herself up in her room) check in on her twice daily and be available to her via text at any time. Of course she's in school during the week and I work so those check-ins start as soon as I get home from work.

I know that's all she's asking for and I respect that. My daughter has been very open with her counselor so I feel comfortable in that sense. It just feels like I should be doing more. I know my daughter is going through a lot right now with every day 14 yo stuff. I also know she's struggling with her sexuality. There's issues with her bio dad and she longs for a closer bond with her step dad (my husband). Those are a few things that I'm aware of, the rest, I'm clueless. My daughter doesn't even know what it is that's bothering her. Just a bunch of stuff that she's trying to sort out with the help of the counselor.

So, any advice, help or experience anyone has with this would be helpful and appreciated.
Two things I'd suggest. First, get your husband in to therapy, just you two, and let the therapist know her issue with your husband, and let the therapist talk to him about why it's so important and offer ways to accomplish it.

Second, find ways to get your daughter out of her room. Specifically, see if you can get her to start taking walks with you. You don't have to talk but I'll bet she'll start talking. Psychologically, it's recommended to be side by side so that the other person doesn't feel like they're in a confrontation. Riding in cars is also good for that. But walking side by side (or walking a dog), you don't have to say anything, but the longer you're out there, the easier it is to talk.

DD26 and I started going for walks when she was about 15 or 16; she wanted to talk to me about something in private. After that, it just became 'that thing' we did together; it really helped bond us. Any time she needed to talk something out, figure out something, or just vent, she'd ask (or I would) if we could go for a walk.
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post #45 of 49 (permalink) Old 11-11-2016, 02:49 PM
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Re: Experience/advice with cutting

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This is an entirely different issue and points to deeper problems.

I think you said he moved into your house, is that correct?

So he moves in, he saves whatever he was paying elsewhere, your daughter is forced to give up her privacy, the intended plan is shut down because of issues he has with his exwife and the sudden unexpected child support expense.. one of the best available options is shut down because "he cannot fathom the thought of his children being on a different floor" .. and it turns into a blow out?

There's a lot wrong there and it has nothing to do with fixing up a damp basement. At the very least, he's extremely rigid and inflexible, and very unreasonable and unwilling to compromise, yet very willing to let you solve all of his problems.

This doesn't fix him, but maybe he's thinking about the kids being shut away in a basement. If the door is removed, and the basement stairway is opened up with a railing it starts to feel like one big space.
Gotta say, this is exactly what I was thinking. Just how many times, in how many ways, have YOU adapted YOUR life so that it works out the way your H wants? I'm just asking, not presupposing. Many women go into second marriages and overlook this happening, they're so intent on making it work the second time. And given who your previous H was, it's a fair bet there are at least similarities in the men or at least certain tendencies common in both.

I'm just saying that so that you remain eyes open about whether things are not going as smoothly as you think they are, so you can say something.
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