Experience/advice with cutting - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
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post #46 of 49 (permalink) Old 11-11-2016, 03:00 PM
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Re: Experience/advice with cutting

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Originally Posted by LadybugMomma View Post
I don't want to beat up on him and I don't want him to come off as a jerk, because he is a great husband. There's just these things that after we talk, things heat up, he changes for a while, then it's back to the way it was. I keep thinking that it's all a matter of time and the kids will be out and on their own.
Go back to the therapist, by yourself if you have to, and ask for concrete steps to take to ensure things don't slide back to how they used to be. Ask about boundaries and consequences. Come to an agreement. You have at least 8 more years of this. Your marriage won't survive it. Your daughter might not (sorry).

For instance, my H has basically stopped helping around the house since he started his own business. Now that he has that as an excuse, he's run with it, though before that he rarely did anything anyway. So to deal with my boundary being crushed (needing a husband who pitches in), I have enacted my consequence that protects me from the pain of being his little handservant and hating myself for it. I have stopped putting away his clothes. I'll wash them, hang them up. But then they just lay on the back of the chair or hang on the doorknobs.

Unless he does something for the house. Last week he fixed the light that had been out in our closet for 3 months. So I hung up one of his pairs of pants. The rest are still on the chair, where I told him they are. He wants to move back over to the other side of my boundary and help me take care of the house? I'll hang up some more.

What I'm trying to say is, don't be blind about what you're getting in this marriage, and what you're not getting. What he's doing is upsetting you and you're choosing to let it slide. I'm here to tell you, if you let things slide in the first 5 or 10 years of a marriage, you'll almost never get them righted later on. Now is the time to stand firm about what you want and need.

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post #47 of 49 (permalink) Old 11-12-2016, 11:13 PM
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Re: Experience/advice with cutting

Add me to the camp that say it is absolutely CRITICAL that you get your daughter a private bedroom as soon as possible. If you and your H have to sleep in the living room until you can fund the addition to the house, then that's what you should do.

Your daughter went through a divorce and then her privacy was taken away from her because of the moving in of her stepfather and his needing space for his kids. This is YOUR house and it was her room, and I cannot even imagine being 14 years old and expected to share a bedroom with two non-related children and one of them being a boy! If these kids were foster kids it would not even be allowable. It's completely improper and it is not fair to her and it is hurting her. Please do whatever you have to do to get her own space, even if that means converting the living room into a bedroom for her.

I have a daughter who is 15. She has had some self-harm issues in the past although they didn't last long. She has been in counseling since my divorce (when she was 6 years old). A couple of months ago she came out to me as being bisexual, and has a girlfriend. I am extremely socially liberal and fully support her and have from the moment she told me.

However, unfortunately we live in the Bible Belt (through choices not my own) and people here are extremely socially conservative. Honestly, I feel like what unites the Bible Belt is Hate. Hate for immigrants, hate for anyone who thinks differently than them. Now I am getting on a political rant which is not my intention. But my point is that after "coming out", my daughter has had to deal with nasty and hateful comments from kids in her high school and on the bus. One day she came home and took a bunch of pills (not pills that she could overdose on, although she didn't know that). She says now that she didn't intend to kill herself but she just could not deal with all of the hate. When Trump was elected President this week, you can only imagine how she felt.

Give her your support. Give her her privacy, while still being there and being supportive. Talk to her often. Ask her what she needs from you. Listen. Get her counseling. Right now I feel that SHE probably feels she is not being prioritized by you, as you have moved this man and his two kids into her space. SHE is the most important thing - she is your daughter. Make sure she knows it. Make sure your actions prove that to her each and every day. Get her the he!! out of that shared bedroom.

I wish both of you luck, and peace, and happiness. It is not easy, not for a minute.

Don't let people become a priority in your life when you're just an option in theirs.
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post #48 of 49 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 08:54 AM
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Re: Experience/advice with cutting

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Originally Posted by Hope Shimmers View Post
Add me to the camp that say it is absolutely CRITICAL that you get your daughter a private bedroom as soon as possible. If you and your H have to sleep in the living room until you can fund the addition to the house, then that's what you should do.

Your daughter went through a divorce and then her privacy was taken away from her because of the moving in of her stepfather and his needing space for his kids. This is YOUR house and it was her room, and I cannot even imagine being 14 years old and expected to share a bedroom with two non-related children and one of them being a boy! If these kids were foster kids it would not even be allowable. It's completely improper and it is not fair to her and it is hurting her. Please do whatever you have to do to get her own space, even if that means converting the living room into a bedroom for her.
SO much worth repeating.

Try to imagine being a kid going through a divorce; her whole world turned upside down, and she had no control over it. Then her solace, her comfort, her home, is invaded by a man replacing her dad; again, she had no control, no say. And the time she got with her mom, which soothed her, is cut in half at LEAST, if not more. And to top it off, she has to watch HER mom interacting with OTHER kids (so what does SHE matter now?) and, probably, trying to please her new man by being extra attentive to his kids and make sure they fit in; so much so that she forgets the needs of her own child so that HIS kids can be comfortable. And maybe she's even being asked or expected to help the kids assimilate into the family, or maybe even watch them while the adults do stuff (just guessing, as I've seen it happen more often than not). And on top of that, the new dad is being unreasonable and that undercurrent - his needs and wants matter more than her mom's and most especially her own - leave her completely at the bottom of the totem pole. Again, with her having NO say and NO control.

Small wonder she'd be in freefall.

This is not a dis at you. Divorced moms do the best they can. But I'll be honest. Most blended families I've seen, the kids of the mom suffer way more than the kids of the dads. Because the men are more aggressive to get what they want? Because men speak up? IDK. But it happens.
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post #49 of 49 (permalink) Old 11-13-2016, 11:21 AM
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Re: Experience/advice with cutting

My 13 year old daughter was cutting herself. She was undiagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. I had no idea and honestly felt like she was doing this strictly for attention. As a person who had never dealt with that, I handled it very poorly. This led to deeper depression and eventually suicidal thoughts. She ended up spending a week in a behavioral health unit. I spent my time reading up on this and trying to get MYSELF into a better place for her.

She is now 14 years old and the one year anniversary of her stay at the behavioral unit has come and gone. I understand her better though she still can be frustrating, but what 14 year old isn't? She's a good girl and I love her (and her sister) dearly.

All I can say is to do your best to understand what she is going through and be supportive of her. Be there when she needs you. One of the big issues for my daughter was she didn't feel like we "had her back". I did "have her back" but she didn't see it.

"You are talking about the nonsensical ravings of a lunatic mind!" Victor Von Frankenstein
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