I was researching your back posts just now and came back to respond when I saw you had just replied to my post. I see that you are aware of the problems related to the shared bedroom situation which came about due to unexpected circumstances, so I'm sorry if I'm being too hard on you but since my advice was well taken I'll continue.
In regard to your step daughter (SD)
SD can walk, talk and even braids her own hair! She has a left side deficit. Her brain function isn't that of an average 11 yo, but I also feel she has SO much more potential but grandma admits she babies those kids. She "babied her kids and will baby the grandkids."
Sad constantly has her shoes on the wrong feet. I tell her all the time to "check your shoes, do they feel/look right?" The she changes them. She often has her clothes on backwards or inside out. I also tell her to look at herself and see if her clothes look/feel right.
IDK about anyone else, but if she can braid her own hair very well with her bummed hand too, she should be able to tell if her shoes are on the right feet
It appears that you don't understand how SD processes things; as far as you're concerned she "should be able to tell if her shoes are on the right feet". Well, that's not the case. Don't you think if SD knew her shoes were on the wrong feet, she'd swap the shoes so she wouldn't be uncomfortable? It's great that you point it out and then she's responsive and swaps the shoes but she isn't really learning anything- it may very well be this way FOREVER and it's not because she doesn't care or is lazy. She just doesn't get it.
You've decided she should be able to do these things, without fully understanding how her mind works - or doesn't work-. Everyone else is "babying her" in your opinion. Well maybe, just maybe they are more aware of the degree of her inability to function then you are and they are giving her the assistance she needs. Maybe when Grandma "babies" her by offering to put on her shoes, she's really giving her assistance that she actually NEEDS.
I once talked to H's ex about it and told her I felt they weren't giving SD enough credit and I felt she had so much more potential. She told me I needed to mind my own business and be realistic about her disability.
I tend to agree with the H's ex.
I bring up the SD as an example because just maybe you are being too tough on your own daughter to make her more independent.
I guess my main worry is that how these parents are raising their children now, will effect how they could turn out as an adult. If it's anything like their mom has turned out, we can expect to have 40 y.o. children living with us forever because they're not taught to do things for themselves, and they'll depend on everyone else to carry them. And I'm raising my children to be independent so I can at some point in the future, have some peace and quiet, you know?
Perhaps this is why the therapist's gentle advice to you is to leave her alone unless you are specifically asked to intervene. This is the sort of advice given to parents when they are being overly obtrusive and there is concern that their actions are causing the problems exibited by their children.
- I wrote this before you replied about the planned addition that was put on hold due to unexpected child support obligations cropping up-
I also noticed by reading your back posts that in fact, your 14 year old daughter has been forced to give up what used to be her own room, in order to share with 2 non related children, one of which is a boy. So the poor girl goes through the trauma of a divorce, and then has to suddenly share her own room with an unrelated girl and a boy at the very sensitive age of 14.