People who find fault in others homes - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 43 (permalink) Old 11-01-2016, 07:53 AM
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Re: People who find fault in others homes

You need to stand up for yourself. Your not a doormat. You do a lot for him and you should be shown some respect and appreciation. It's your brother, you should feel comfortable saying something to him

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post #17 of 43 (permalink) Old 11-01-2016, 08:08 AM
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Re: People who find fault in others homes

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Originally Posted by peacem View Post
Not sure where to put this as no board seems to fit.

My niece comes to stay at the weekends and a little more over the holidays. We feed her, entertain her, take her out, I help her with her homework and talk about her problems - she is part of the family. My brother (her dad) is either working or in the pub drinking so spending time with us is preferable to being home alone or sitting around with drunk people watching football on a screen.

He picks her on a Sunday afternoon to take her back to her mums.

Every single time he picks her up he finds fault with my home . It really niggles me when he nitpicks about a bit of paper clutter on the side, or something needing decorating. If the children have been doing artwork he shakes his head at the creative mess they have made around the table. We are not messy people, but neither are we obsessive about everything being neat and tidy all the time, I think we are just a normal family that has a lived in home. Today's complaint was my daughters boots that she had taken off in the hall and not put in the shoe tidy. They weren't in the way, but placed neatly to the side of the wall. He recently complained because the postman had just been and posted a load of junk mail through the letterbox and we hadn't heard him so it was scattered over the mat. He said it was embarrassing because he was with his new wife .

I wouldn't dream of saying the same things to people when I visit their house - I just take people as I find them. H says just ignore it. Anyone else have this with relatives? Probably just venting more than needing advice.
Oh me oh my Oh my oh me.

What fun you could have with this. You need to look at this as a once in a life time opportunity to have a captive audience to heckle!

Reeply to his comments with gems of your own:
"oh it must be hard to fly like an eagle when surrounded by turkeys"

Sorry, we just taught he to pick up her knuckles from the ground. Next week we are working on getting her to quit throwing her crap at people that nitpick

the mail is supposed to be like that. How else do we wipe off our muddy boots


I have a neighbor that is like this. He constantly complains about my yard. So I do things to make him absolutely mental
Cut the grass every other week so that it's long and uneven.
Don't bag the grass so it looks like I cut a field
I leave a lady's lace weed grow in in the middle of the yard every year. It gets to about 6 foot tall before he freaks out and gets rid of it.

If I were you, I would be leaving piles of books out just to scatter as soon as he got there. Maybe news papers.This would be too much fun for me thinking up different ways to make his head pop off.

I would buy 4 cinder blocks and leave them were he could see them - what are the blocks for- for the car I'm fixin' to put in the front yard. Right next to the washing machine as soon as it dies

Way too much fun to be had

We protect ourselves from lies,
By fanatically holding to our own truths.
But when our truths turn to fanaticism,
Our truths become the Lie.
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post #18 of 43 (permalink) Old 11-01-2016, 08:11 AM
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Re: People who find fault in others homes

No, I don't think that I've ever had anyone complain about our housekeeping skills. We're both pretty good with keeping things neat & clean. My husband is actually probably neater than I am. He picks up after himself consistently, but I'm the one that cleans (not just picks up) more than him. So, I guess we make a good team.

If it were someone that wasn't around a lot, I would just ignore it. But if it were someone that I was close to and they were constantly commenting, then I would speak up. Just make sure that you're not criticizing when you go over to their house.

BTW-I think it's awesome that you provide her with a safe place to hang out at.

"Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow."

Last edited by tropicalbeachiwish; 11-01-2016 at 08:12 AM. Reason: add
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post #19 of 43 (permalink) Old 11-01-2016, 07:40 PM
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Re: People who find fault in others homes

Tell him that if your house is so bad, then he can find another free babysitter while he & his 'new' wife get drunk.
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post #20 of 43 (permalink) Old 11-06-2016, 08:56 AM
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Re: People who find fault in others homes

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Every single time he picks her up he finds fault with my home . It really niggles me when he nitpicks about a bit of paper clutter on the side, or something needing decorating. If the children have been doing artwork he shakes his head at the creative mess they have made around the table.
Well, I'm sure the pub Father of the Year drinks his life away in is kept up MUCH better than that messy kitchen table of yours. I can see why he complains.

Why you haven't throat punched him yet is simply beyond me.
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post #21 of 43 (permalink) Old 11-06-2016, 09:06 AM
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Re: People who find fault in others homes

I'm far from a neat freak but few people put in the effort to have a clean home. Generally it's clutter city, and way full with stuff. Now it's easy for me to say that because I live in a McMansion but we keep it clean, cat nonwithstanding

For decoration... I've seen exactly one McMansion near me that matches ours in terms of taste and quality of collectibles. That doesn't make me a snob, as I don't go into rants about it but I feel it reflects the overall lack of appreciation of art when you walk into a 10,000 sq ft home that's decorated with stuff from Pier One and Target.
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post #22 of 43 (permalink) Old 11-07-2016, 05:35 PM
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Re: People who find fault in others homes

[QUOTE=peacem;16789065]
Quote:
You're right I do. I think I would appreciate 'Thank you for everything' after I looked after his daughter for the weekend whilst he drunk himself into oblivion. As opposed to unwelcome criticism about my home

No I keep onto of everything that needs doing, I'm fairly efficient, but deliberately don't want my house to be a show home. I'm relaxed about a bit of creative mess that will be cleaned up by the end of the day.

If I was in your shoes.. what you said here is EXACTLY how I would feel.. listen.. your brother isn't Mr Perfection himself .....he's out getting plastered while someone else is kind enough to watch his children, so they are safe, enjoying a decent life, spending time with family.. good for you -for being that warm example in your niece's life...

You could have your own choice words to deal with some of his vices in life, let's compare being a Partying father figure to one whose house is a little untidy ... I know I sure see one worse over the other -in spades... Who is he to open his mouth!@#...

Though I don't think you should stoop to his level.. but I would confront him the next time he JABS you with a comment about your house...your house is your home... I bet it doesn't bother his daughter in the least way.. so what's his issue.. lay it down.. or you will continue to back bite his words ... let him know this.


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post #23 of 43 (permalink) Old 11-07-2016, 05:47 PM
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Re: People who find fault in others homes

I just wish he would just collect her and say 'thank you'. It would be nice.

I would say just this to him. Not meanly or snarky, but just this. Kudos to you for making her welcome. If someone said to me they were embarrassed about the state of my home, while picking up THEIR child that I took in on a regular basis, I would tell them I was embarrassed for them on their lack of parenting. I might be tempted to ask him not to come in again and I would send his child out to him. How lucky for him that you have his child's best interests in mind.
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post #24 of 43 (permalink) Old 11-07-2016, 10:19 PM
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Re: People who find fault in others homes

Have you ever stood up to your brother?

How about saying just what you wrote here, 'I would appreciate 'Thank you for looking after your daughter' as opposed to unwelcome criticism about my home - keep that to yourself. It's no longer okay.'

Music belongs in a place with hearts beating and brains dreaming and people falling in love. - J.Buckley
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post #25 of 43 (permalink) Old 11-08-2016, 02:27 AM Thread Starter
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Re: People who find fault in others homes

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Originally Posted by john117 View Post
I'm far from a neat freak but few people put in the effort to have a clean home. Generally it's clutter city, and way full with stuff. Now it's easy for me to say that because I live in a McMansion but we keep it clean, cat nonwithstanding

For decoration... I've seen exactly one McMansion near me that matches ours in terms of taste and quality of collectibles. That doesn't make me a snob, as I don't go into rants about it but I feel it reflects the overall lack of appreciation of art when you walk into a 10,000 sq ft home that's decorated with stuff from Pier One and Target.
John, not sure what a McMansion is but it made me chuckle all the same .

Brother in a nutshell: Married 3 times. First marriage ended in a lot of debt, second marriage ended and house was repossessed - he went a little crazy with his new freedom and stopped paying the mortgage. He left his only daughter with an alcoholic mother, she was physically and sexually abused by her and step-father, also neglected - they went on the run from social services when she was about to be taken into care. His teenage daughter now has mental health issues and struggles to cope with life. He picks her up on a Friday drops her off at our house (because that is where she wants to be) picks her up on Sunday and takes her back to her mothers. His life is work/drink/work/drink. He is a functioning alcoholic. Unless niece sits in the pub with him he does not spend any time with her at all. Because of repossession he made himself bankrupt which means he has no credit. He lives in a little rented house on a sink estate (drug dealers leaning against his fence, house next door boarded up, car on bricks). He doesn't have a pot to piss in and is always doing the rounds to get other people to pay for his bills (even though he always has enough for the pub).

My life in a nutshell: Married for 21 years to same man, both started off in very low paid jobs; bought, renovated and sold houses to subsidize our income. In fact through a lot of hard work we did very well for ourselves. We found a small house in a nice street, good area, excellent school. We put all our money into building work and renovations and now have a large house and a lot of equity in it. Because of the area we did everything to a very high spec, when my daughter goes to uni next year we want to downsize so my H can retire early. Because of the money we have made in the past we have a small mortgage. When my son was diagnosed with complex learning difficulties (he's a 2 man job) my H could reduced his hours to part-time. We are able to live comfortably on a part-time wage. When my b had financial problems I tried to help him but have stopped because of his alcohol addiction, I help him by being a surrogate mother to his daughter (she wants to come and live with us full time).

So when he visits he finds fault. Boots in the hall, craft mess on the table (from his daughter doing her homework), kitchen mess from me making cakes with the kids that sort of thing. The decoration complaint was because the last renovation job we did was the downstairs toilet which we wanted to gut - therefore no point in decorating. Because we want to do things well we decided to wait until we had saved enough money to make it nice rather than rush the job cheaply. We have other bathrooms that people can use. So whenever B visited the house he would rush to check if we had completed the downstairs loo and make a big song and dance over it. We've now finished it and it looks nice but he never said a word.

So - the point is - I pretty sure he looks at his little annoying sister and it makes him feel bad that he has nothing and we have done very well; through hard work and being sensible. He is one step away from a park bench, it is his wife that keeps them vaguely functioning. It hurts him to see me and my sister being 'successful' and exacerbates his drinking. He judges people on stuff rather than achievements.

Hope that makes sense.

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post #26 of 43 (permalink) Old 11-08-2016, 02:36 AM Thread Starter
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Re: People who find fault in others homes

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Tell him that if your house is so bad, then he can find another free babysitter while he & his 'new' wife get drunk.
Blondi - this the issue I have. We are the only stability my niece has and we have bonded so she is like a daughter to me. She has huge abandonment issues so I will never turn her away. When I started to get fed up with the comments I offered to drive her to his house so I wouldn't have to deal with him - but then he started just turning up. I may be wrong but I think he wants to come to our house just to find fault because he feels guilty about his daughter and how things have turned out for him. I think it makes him feel better.

Its that awful sinking feeling when you wake up realising you don't like your brother very much.

In our village he is well know because (at 52) he is the life and soul of the party. People like him because he gets trollied and makes everyone laugh. For years I went along with it, but now I am older I just think what the hell happened to you. My brother's a bum .
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post #27 of 43 (permalink) Old 11-08-2016, 02:49 AM Thread Starter
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Re: People who find fault in others homes

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Have you ever stood up to your brother?

.'
No. But my H did once and it nearly turned to fisty cuffs. So I walk on eggshells for the sake of my niece.
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post #28 of 43 (permalink) Old 11-08-2016, 02:50 AM Thread Starter
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Re: People who find fault in others homes

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Well, I'm sure the pub Father of the Year drinks his life away in is kept up MUCH better than that messy kitchen table of yours. I can see why he complains.

Why you haven't throat punched him yet is simply beyond me.
This made me laugh. I am not normally a violent person but I could make an exception....(just kidding but it will be my mental affirmation when I see him next )
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post #29 of 43 (permalink) Old 11-08-2016, 03:07 AM
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Re: People who find fault in others homes

yes my aunts and my grandmother did this to my wife precisely one time. The first and last time they were invited to my home.
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post #30 of 43 (permalink) Old 11-08-2016, 07:32 AM
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I have a cousin who came to visit and had a running commentary of how I keep my kitchen counter. I cook in my kitchen everyday, so things like the oil, salt and pepper, I keep by the counter right of the stove. It's easy access. She did not like that. She did not like my kitchen Aid on the counter. She did not like how I had my fruits.

Then my H had the nerve to agree with her. That was the last time she got an invite. He got a idea of what I thought of his comments and what he could do with it.
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