People who find fault in others homes - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 43 (permalink) Old 10-30-2016, 10:35 AM Thread Starter
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People who find fault in others homes

Not sure where to put this as no board seems to fit.

My niece comes to stay at the weekends and a little more over the holidays. We feed her, entertain her, take her out, I help her with her homework and talk about her problems - she is part of the family. My brother (her dad) is either working or in the pub drinking so spending time with us is preferable to being home alone or sitting around with drunk people watching football on a screen.

He picks her on a Sunday afternoon to take her back to her mums.

Every single time he picks her up he finds fault with my home . It really niggles me when he nitpicks about a bit of paper clutter on the side, or something needing decorating. If the children have been doing artwork he shakes his head at the creative mess they have made around the table. We are not messy people, but neither are we obsessive about everything being neat and tidy all the time, I think we are just a normal family that has a lived in home. Today's complaint was my daughters boots that she had taken off in the hall and not put in the shoe tidy. They weren't in the way, but placed neatly to the side of the wall. He recently complained because the postman had just been and posted a load of junk mail through the letterbox and we hadn't heard him so it was scattered over the mat. He said it was embarrassing because he was with his new wife .

I wouldn't dream of saying the same things to people when I visit their house - I just take people as I find them. H says just ignore it. Anyone else have this with relatives? Probably just venting more than needing advice.

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post #2 of 43 (permalink) Old 10-30-2016, 10:39 AM
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Re: People who find fault in others homes

My sister is like that. I simply ignore it.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #3 of 43 (permalink) Old 10-30-2016, 10:44 AM
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Re: People who find fault in others homes

Yeah, I know people like this.
It could be a form of OCD.
I don't think they realise in their minds that it causes offence, it comes across as rude but some can't help it.
Try to ignore the comments.

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post #4 of 43 (permalink) Old 10-30-2016, 10:49 AM
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Re: People who find fault in others homes

Everyone has a little different way of living. You could probably find plenty of fault with his lifestyle, too, if you wanted to.

Do you feel guilty about anything he says? Is there anything you have put off doing?

If so, let his comment be what motivates you to getting that thing done. And then shake off the rest.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #5 of 43 (permalink) Old 10-30-2016, 12:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: People who find fault in others homes

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Everyone has a little different way of living. You could probably find plenty of fault with his lifestyle, too, if you wanted to.
You're right I do. I think I would appreciate 'Thank you for everything' after I looked after his daughter for the weekend whilst he drunk himself into oblivion. As opposed to unwelcome criticism about my home

Quote:
Do you feel guilty about anything he says? Is there anything you have put off doing?
No I keep onto of everything that needs doing, I'm fairly efficient, but deliberately don't want my house to be a show home. I'm relaxed about a bit of creative mess that will be cleaned up by the end of the day.

Quote:
If so, let his comment be what motivates you to getting that thing done. And then shake off the rest.
Thinking about it, it actually triggers feelings from childhood when he would always be criticising me as a kid (he is a lot older than me). He would do the usual teasing but would also try and shame me in front of people. I remember he brought a girlfriend home to meet us when I was very young, I fell down the stairs and he got very angry at me for showing him up. He was that kind of sibling, a bit of a bully I suppose. I think he gets ashamed very easily and I pick up on it and feel anxious.
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post #6 of 43 (permalink) Old 10-30-2016, 12:36 PM
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Re: People who find fault in others homes

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Thinking about it, it actually triggers feelings from childhood when he would always be criticising me as a kid (he is a lot older than me). He would do the usual teasing but would also try and shame me in front of people. I remember he brought a girlfriend home to meet us when I was very young, I fell down the stairs and he got very angry at me for showing him up. He was that kind of sibling, a bit of a bully I suppose. I think he gets ashamed very easily and I pick up on it and feel anxious.
Bullying from older siblings is, sadly, pretty common. I am sorry he treated you that way.

How do you think you could learn to shake off the anxiety he provokes in you?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #7 of 43 (permalink) Old 10-30-2016, 12:47 PM
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Re: People who find fault in others homes

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Originally Posted by peacem View Post
My niece comes to stay at the weekends and a little more over the holidays. We feed her, entertain her, take her out, I help her with her homework and talk about her problems - she is part of the family. My brother (her dad) is either working or in the pub drinking so spending time with us is preferable to being home alone or sitting around with drunk people watching football on a screen.

He picks her on a Sunday afternoon to take her back to her mums.

Every single time he picks her up he finds fault with my home . It really niggles me when he nitpicks about a bit of paper clutter on the side, or something needing decorating. If the children have been doing artwork he shakes his head at the creative mess they have made around the table. We are not messy people, but neither are we obsessive about everything being neat and tidy all the time, I think we are just a normal family that has a lived in home. Today's complaint was my daughters boots that she had taken off in the hall and not put in the shoe tidy. They weren't in the way, but placed neatly to the side of the wall. He recently complained because the postman had just been and posted a load of junk mail through the letterbox and we hadn't heard him so it was scattered over the mat. He said it was embarrassing because he was with his new wife .

I wouldn't dream of saying the same things to people when I visit their house - I just take people as I find them. H says just ignore it. Anyone else have this with relatives? Probably just venting more than needing advice.
Some people can only boost their self-esteem in comparison to other people. If he wants to feel good about himself, he HAS to make himself feel superior to you. So he finds opportunities for criticism and convinces himself he would never behave the way you do. It's nothing to do with you, and everything to do with himself. It's probably a bit worse with you, a relative, over some stranger, because you reflect a little on himself. He's worried his new wife is going to think because he was raised in the same home as you, he'll be as messy as you. So he has to be critical in a double attempt to make himself look/feel better.

Glad to hear you're giving his niece a better perspective. I hope he's not as critical of her!
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post #8 of 43 (permalink) Old 10-30-2016, 01:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: People who find fault in others homes

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Bullying from older siblings is, sadly, pretty common. I am sorry he treated you that way.

How do you think you could learn to shake off the anxiety he provokes in you?
Just a talking to my H about this particular situation, although I think he feels some weird shame around his family, his daughter really, really loves being with us. The first thing she does is visit her grandparents and the second thing she does is call me to catch up. She brought her art homework to do at the kitchen table because she is not allowed to do it at her dads house in case she makes a mess. She spilled a tiny amount of juice at the table and I heard my daughter assuring her '...you won't get into trouble.' . If I am honest....I am also a bit ashamed of him.

As an example he is someone who is always looking for others to lend him money because he never has enough for the bills (but he drinks heavily and gambles. He also buys weird things that he can't afford like an iwatch). His parenting skills are poor, but just about good enough. His daughter nearly went into care because of parental neglect of both sides, but we stepped in to support him so he could keep her. My H reminds me that it should be me that should be ashamed of him not the other way round.

Its complicated. I just wish he would just collect her and say 'thank you'. It would be nice.
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post #9 of 43 (permalink) Old 10-30-2016, 01:07 PM
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Re: People who find fault in others homes

I agree, ignore.
I find that people who pick have too much time on their hands. It could be OCD, but it's unacceptable either way.

Either ignore or agree and add humor.

Boots: "Oh darn, her plan to make you trip and fall failed! I'll have to tell her to try a different tactic."

Mail: "I know, right? It's those persistent owls from Hogwarts sending niece tons of acceptance letters. We can't keep up."

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post #10 of 43 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 02:11 AM
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Re: People who find fault in others homes

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Originally Posted by peacem View Post
As an example he is someone who is always looking for others to lend him money because he never has enough for the bills (but he drinks heavily and gambles. He also buys weird things that he can't afford like an iwatch). His parenting skills are poor, but just about good enough. His daughter nearly went into care because of parental neglect of both sides, but we stepped in to him so he could keep her. My H reminds me that it should be me that should be ashamed of him not the other way round.
Lol, yeah, he sure has his life together doesn't he? I'd be pointing this out ^^ to him next time he says something and telling him to shut his d@mn mouth.

If you're too nice to say that you could try "If it bothers you so much don't come in/pick it up/clean it"

But meh, I don't pull any punches, lol.

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post #11 of 43 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 03:41 AM
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Re: People who find fault in others homes

Doesn't help you but if one of my siblings were using me as a baby sitter then being rude about my home I would tell them to f.uck off. I'm blunt like that though.

If it was anyone other than a sibling then the message would be the same but the delivery more socially acceptable. Sorry but he is walking all over you and he will continue unless you do something to stop him.
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post #12 of 43 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 05:40 AM
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Cool Re: People who find fault in others homes

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Originally Posted by peacem View Post
Not sure where to put this as no board seems to fit.

My niece comes to stay at the weekends and a little more over the holidays. We feed her, entertain her, take her out, I help her with her homework and talk about her problems - she is part of the family. My brother (her dad) is either working or in the pub drinking so spending time with us is preferable to being home alone or sitting around with drunk people watching football on a screen.

He picks her on a Sunday afternoon to take her back to her mums.

Every single time he picks her up he finds fault with my home . It really niggles me when he nitpicks about a bit of paper clutter on the side, or something needing decorating. If the children have been doing artwork he shakes his head at the creative mess they have made around the table. We are not messy people, but neither are we obsessive about everything being neat and tidy all the time, I think we are just a normal family that has a lived in home. Today's complaint was my daughters boots that she had taken off in the hall and not put in the shoe tidy. They weren't in the way, but placed neatly to the side of the wall. He recently complained because the postman had just been and posted a load of junk mail through the letterbox and we hadn't heard him so it was scattered over the mat. He said it was embarrassing because he was with his new wife .

I wouldn't dream of saying the same things to people when I visit their house - I just take people as I find them. H says just ignore it. Anyone else have this with relatives? Probably just venting more than needing advice.
I'd tell him that if he didn't particularly like it there in your abode, to not let the front door hit him in his a$$ on the way out!
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post #13 of 43 (permalink) Old 10-31-2016, 11:15 AM
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Re: People who find fault in others homes

You could say " yeah, well since you've had a few, you're not the best judge of anything. ..... and I won't be keeping you. Have nice night."
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post #14 of 43 (permalink) Old 11-01-2016, 06:36 AM
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Re: People who find fault in others homes

I am absolutely fastidious about cleanliness, tidiness and orderliness in my own home, and don't particularly like spending lengthy periods of time in unkempt surroundings. However, I would never dream of showing dissapproval at someone else's home - let alone making negative comments about their housekeeping, or lack thereof.

Your brother is out of line and needs to be told how rude his comments are.

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.

Last edited by Cosmos; 11-01-2016 at 06:47 AM.
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post #15 of 43 (permalink) Old 11-01-2016, 06:41 AM
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Re: People who find fault in others homes

Next time he comes over make your house look like an absolute $hit show just to f with him.

There are just some people who like to take digs at others, in part I believe to make them feel better about themselves. Don't sweat it, just do the things that you need done without worrying about what others think.
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