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I haven't talked to my mom since Thanksgiving. I hardly ever call her. Maybe once every two weeks. Maybe longer. She emails me from time to time and usually is always on Facebook.
I always stand up to my wife. Sometimes she admits she is wrong and sometimes she freaks out and we get into a big fight. I don't let her just have her way, I assure you of that. That is kind of how all of this started, because I put my foot down.
I think it's normal and reasonable not to want to spend 4-5 days with in-laws.
But, her badmouthing and bad behavior must be addressed. Make it that that type of thing is not allowed in your presence.
Also, what you have is a woman who has learned that the solution to "getting crossed" is to dispose of people forever (she learned this through the way she was raised).
If I were you I would be cautious. I would tell her that in your world, all people are entitled to mistakes. That we we judge people on patterns of actions rather than mistakes. I would ask her if she feels that is appropriate. Then I would discuss with her whether she feels your mother's bad treatment of her is a pattern vs a mistake. I would hear her out, she could have many slights, and you have to be prepared to characterize this as a mistake or a pattern. But if your wife agrees that she will judge people on patterns, and she agrees that this is a mistake you then ask her what help she needs in treating your mother with proper respect and mutual friendliness.
It's important that she learns the value of judging people around her vs their total actions vs isolated actions. You need to do this for self protection because you can see from her way of operating that you will wind up on her s|-|it list.
I haven't talked to my mom since Thanksgiving. I hardly ever call her. Maybe once every two weeks. Maybe longer. She emails me from time to time and usually is always on Facebook.
I can understand wanting to communicate with your mother from time to time. Maybe your wife feels you communicate with her to much. Some of the things you are talking to your mother about, should you be talking to your wife about instead?
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I always stand up to my wife. Sometimes she admits she is wrong and sometimes she freaks out and we get into a big fight. I don't let her just have her way, I assure you of that. That is kind of how all of this started, because I put my foot down.
I asked that because you shortened the amount of time you were going to stay and visit with family. What you should maybe do is tell her that you both can drive up there to your family's house and if she wants to leave a day early then that is fine, and you will catch the train when you originally scheduled to leave.
You have to make yourself happy and if she doesn't see that being with your family makes you happy, then you need to do what makes you happy.
She may get angry and upset, but that is her issue to work through, and she knew you were close to your family before you got married. That doesn't magically change the night of the wedding.
Also, what you have is a woman who has learned that the solution to "getting crossed" is to dispose of people forever (she learned this through the way she was raised).
This was one of the best comments I've gotten so far because that is her, totally. I think that she has even told me that before. If you do something wrong to her, she just doesn't want to be around you anymore.
My mom has really only done that one thing and since then has been paying for it. So everything you're saying makes sense.
I have been reading these threads and there are a number of men, including myself that seem to be experiencing the exact same thing. If I knew that keeping my wife away from her family was upsetting to her I would do what I could to stop that. Sadly my mysery is of little consequense to my wife. She is clearly only concerned with herself. I have not spent a Christmas was my Family since I had gotten married, which was ten years ago. Things have progressed to the point that my family avoids visiting me because of my wifes dislike for them. Also she refuses to visit them with me. I personally think this has a lot to do with insecurity on the part of many of the wives that are acting like this. They feel as though they must compete for their husbands love and affection with his family. This is clearly immature and insecure, in my opinion. I think this could happen not only with family, as is the case on these threads, but with just about anything that a husband may be passionate about. It could happen with a best friend, a hobby or activty, etc. It just so happens that many of the men on this thread are very close with their families. Sometimes I feel I would be better off if I was an orphan or had enstranged relationship with my family. Funny enough my wifes sister's husband is an orphan, and their relationship is wonderful. Obviously his family is not his passion. I don't mean to be so negative, but I do not think there is much that can be done about this issue.
"So this morning when I emailed her about the plans.."
emailed her. really? Big mistake. I mean c'mon now. You should be 'asking' and talking, not emailing.
I am with your wife 100% on this, or rather - I can see her position. Its also easier for you when your inlaws are 4 hours away - make no mistake about it.
I cant stand my in-laws either, for the most part. They are OK in limited doses. The good news is that they live 2,500 miles away. The bad news is that when they do come (or we go there) - we get a concentrated dose in the same house for about 10 days that sometimes can have me clawing the walls. Sorry to admit it but I am glad they do not live 'very close'. Yikes.
My wife also has a typicaly cool relationship with my mom. Hey - thats why there are 50 zillion 'in law' jokes, thats just the way it is. Mom also lives about 1,500 miles away.
It is hard for family to be apart - I get that. It can also be 'hard' when inlaws are a nearby constant.
I am willing to bet that your wife does NOT think that your family should'nt be as important to you anymore. Go ahead ask her - I guarantee she will agree with me. What she expects, is that you show a little defference to her first, which is as it should be - and do not just assume that all the little things and meetings and calls and drop-ins and visits and gatherings and stupid little things are all fine and dandy. Yeah - they should be fine and dandy maybe, but they are not. I dont want to blame your wife for being insecure - that is only part of it - it is the SYMPTOM of the situation and not the cause.
You know what would go a long way towards healing it? Your mom poisoned the well early by sending a 'rude' (whatever that means) email to your wife. Dont think that has ever been forgotten - and your mother needs to pay a price for it. I am not being mean spirited here, but truly I speak from a similar experience.
At some point there will be a conflict of views or what to do between your mom and your wife. You need to step in and be on her side 100%. And I do NOT mean "no, we are not going since my wife doesnt want to go" that will just make things infinitely worse. What I mean is "No, we made other plans" or something. You need to take responsibility AND her side as a team. I mean that would be such a small thing right? After all, you see them ALL THE TIME they are right nearby. You need to ask her first for her thoughts when the opportunity arises and give here the opportunity to bail out with your full unqualified support. It will take a little time for her to be reassured in this regard as you already have a problem here - but eventually she will be very much more agreeable. It also helps to defend and support her point of view in front of your mom if she is right... dont just let these things slide. A good argument when you are all in the same room with you supporting your wife can work wonders - and believe me - everyone will get over it, but it also clarifies the social structure and everyone can relax again. (that sounds so clinical)
wives battling mothers-in-law. Its so painful. (sigh)
Its not about showing a 'preference' for your wife over your family - even though she phrases it that way. 'I am your family now' is a simmering disaster. This is about you showing that your lives are very much independant now and doing the little things that reassure your missus that you are a team FIRST. Take some time to work on it - it will pay off in the long run.
"Most of this, I suspect, all stems from my mother and that email. And yes, my mother did go and carry on about to our family. So that may be part of it too."
Ya think??? So your mother sent your wife a selfish nasty e-mail, then backbited (gossiped about her) her to the rest of your family and you expect her to want to spend 5 consecutive days with them all? Really?
That is more than a "mistake" It's what I call acting out with malice. Your mom trying to turn the rest of the family against your wife. If I were your wife I would tell you to have a nice time with your family by yourself.
"So I hardly ever mention anything bad with our relationship"
Why are you mentioning ANYTHING about your relationship, which is negative, to your family?? Respect your marriage. If you need to discuss your marriage issues, do it with a counselor. Same for your wife, but you need to step up and lead by example.
This was one of the best comments I've gotten so far because that is her, totally. I think that she has even told me that before. If you do something wrong to her, she just doesn't want to be around you anymore.
My mom has really only done that one thing and since then has been paying for it. So everything you're saying makes sense.
..and you are taking a dangerous tack by simply assuming your wife is the problem. That in itself - your assumption that she is the problem - and failure to see how she has been wronged, or how that has never been resolved - IS I suspect - your larger issue.
It does not matter about how she has been wronged or whether you stand behind her in arguement. Who can have millions of arguments where you support her and you will be arguing for long time. Insecurity can not be reassured or eliminated by something you say or do. It is up to that person, your wife, to stop being insecure. That's it. It is unfortunate but the mother has set the stage. Your wife and mother are probably really good people. I am sure your wife would agree that family is important. Who would say no to something like that? This is a matter of control. You has control over the husband and his time and affection. Your wife is have a demonstration that she is in control by withholding you from your mother as a way to demonstrate that she is in control. When someone is seeking control they do not care about solving the issue or compromise. For example I suggested a long time ago that we alternate where we spend our holidays with and with whom. I thought that it would create some sort of fairness. Sadly this was rejected. It did not seem logical to me, but it not about logic or compromise. It is about control. I did not know it then but realize it now.
tk421jag, unfortunately like many of the comments above, most likely she hasn't forgiven your mom for her email, nor is she comfortable being around your close knitted family whom she feels she was disrespected to by your mom. Since your wife's relationship with your family started off on the wrong foot, it will most likely take a lot more work to repair that and start building a positive relationship.
Please allow me to play the devil's advocate on behalf of your wife.
Perhaps you might consider that it is easier for you to forgive your mom for the email because you already have a close relationship with your mom, but it is much harder for your wife to forgive your mom considering your wife doesn't have much of a relationship with your mom to begin with. It's probably difficult for your wife to jump right in with your family just because your mom apologized and your family have been nothing but welcoming after the email incident. Your wife probably needs a little more time repairing her relationship with your mom and your family rather than just forgive and forget.
Considering you two haven't been married for long, you might need to reinforce the idea that she is your family now and she comes first - especially knowing how close you are with your family and with the tension between her and your family, she needs to know that she can always rely on you if god forbid, things really gets bad between she and your family. When she tells you that she is your family now and you should be spending time with her, she probably just wants you to reassure her that she is your priority. That doesn't say that you can't spend time with your family but it lets her know that she is the most important person in your life.
You may not be visiting your family often and I understand that when you do, you want to spend more time with them. But perhaps you should consider easing her into the visits. Start with short visits, even if it's not that frequent, and work towards longer visits and more frequent vists as she gets more comfortable.
Also, considering the tension she feels towards your family, every visit to your family is probably very stressful to your wife. When she wants to know when you two will be visiting the family and for how long, she's probably just preparing herself for the visit and knowing what to expect elevates her stress. It might help you as well as her if you take the initiative to tell her those details without her asking so you feel like you're in control and she's not stressed out about approaching that subject with you.
My oldest half sister was raised by my mom (who left our family when I was 3-4 years old, along with 3 other siblings) and my mom went on to have another child (who she left as well). My half sister now has 2 kids of her own (her ex is the father of her first child but im not sure of the second) and she gave them up because she didnt want them (thanks Mom).
The reason I said whats posted above is because its proof that your wife acts this way because it was sort of burned into her through out her life. She sees her family always broken apart and she cant stand seeing a family that actually loves each other (which I personally think she really wanted but didnt get) and now she envys you because of it and wants to take you away from/break your relationship with your family.
Sit her down and tell her that while she may not have had the best family relationship, you do and this is her chance to have a family that will truely care about her (through you). Also start taking control. If you stay as long as she likes when she visits with her family then she is expected to do the same. If she doesnt then see how she likes it when you drag her away from her family earlier then expected. Make real consequences for her actions instead of allowing her to get away with it.
To the OP...I can relate to everything that you describe about your wife. I am in a similar situation- except that I am the wife. I think your wife needs acknowledgement that as she is your 'wife' now, she is your first priority. She needs to know that should any disagreement or incodent happen with your family, that you will be by her side and defend her. She may not want you spending too much time with your family as they might influence you negatively perhaps. Well, that is how I feel anyway.
As a suggestion, how about you visit your entire family together with your wife for shorter durations and then you yourself can visit them alone on other days. That way you get your family bonding time which is very important and not have to worry about your wife nagging you to leave.
Re: My wife hates my family 
