Christmas drama already - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 21 (permalink) Old 11-26-2016, 01:48 PM Thread Starter
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Christmas drama already

We are having a family gathering in December which will basically be our Christmas get together because many of us are doing other things Christmas day. There is only one date that we can do in December that fits in with my sisters work schedule. Sister in law has said she cannot make that date because she is going to a concert. Mum said she is disappointed that she cannot come but she is welcome to come Christmas day. (We basically went ahead and booked the restaurant anyway).

Now SIL has become very angry and has accused us of deliberately leaving her out of the family gathering .

We tried to negotiate another day to fit in with SIL but sister cannot change her shifts. So now we have to cancel the restaurant and not have a family gathering this Christmas because it will upset SIL. We are trying to arrange for 20 people to agree to a date in January/February

Am I being unreasonable to think that SIL needs to suck it up and just say 'thanks but no thanks' and let us get on with the family gathering without her. I can't imagine saying the same thing to my in laws - if I can't go I just send an apology, not expect them to change everything to fit in with me.

I am happy to be wrong with this one but could do with some advice before getting a plan of action together to try please everyone.

Let the festive season begin.....


Last edited by peacem; 11-26-2016 at 05:29 PM.
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post #2 of 21 (permalink) Old 11-26-2016, 02:04 PM
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Re: Christmas drama already

I think I'd side with you but more info please. SIL is your H's sister or your sibling's wife? How long have they been married? Anyone a control freak?

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getting a plan of action together to try please everyone.
I'd try to upset the fewest people.



Sigh, my wife gives me the speaking treatment.
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post #3 of 21 (permalink) Old 11-26-2016, 02:18 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Christmas drama already

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I think I'd side with you but more info please. SIL is your H's sister or your sibling's wife? How long have they been married? Anyone a control freak?




I'd try to upset the fewest people.
She's my brothers wife. Married 3 years his third wife. No idea whether she is a control freak but my niece complains she won't put the heating on in winter even when they are freezing cold. She comes to my house just to get warm. My parents had a wedding anniversary last year where they planned the celebration on the very day. SIL was working so my parents had to rearrange it weeks after the event to fit in with her. Which at the time I thought was a bit weird but it didn't really effect me much.

I don't know what is 'normal' but when my husbands family have a family gathering, we get the date (by MIL) and we say 'yes' or 'no'. Never thought about negotiating it. There is always one or two people missing. No drama (and they are prone to a lot of drama haha).

I was wondering whether to stick to plan A and do peace offering with SIL or whether she might be right in being offended and do the January/February thing to keep things nice.
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post #4 of 21 (permalink) Old 11-26-2016, 02:18 PM
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Re: Christmas drama already

I'm with you. You tried to work out another day with her and it still didn't work. Time for your SIL to just skip it and let everyone else enjoy.

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post #5 of 21 (permalink) Old 11-26-2016, 02:26 PM
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Re: Christmas drama already

@peacem, add me to the list of people siding with you. What does your brother say about this?
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post #6 of 21 (permalink) Old 11-26-2016, 02:27 PM
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Re: Christmas drama already

Yes, I'm with you. You tried, it's hardly ever going to work for all 20 people.

Doesn't matter, but why is she doing it herself and not via your brother? If I had an issue with SIL I'd talk to my wife and have her talk to HER sister.

Good luck.



Sigh, my wife gives me the speaking treatment.
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post #7 of 21 (permalink) Old 11-26-2016, 02:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Christmas drama already

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Yes, I'm with you. You tried, it's hardly ever going to work for all 20 people.

Doesn't matter, but why is she doing it herself and not via your brother? If I had an issue with SIL I'd talk to my wife and have her talk to HER sister.

Good luck.
Actually it WAS my brother that was complaining on her behalf tbf. "She's very upset because she feels pushed out of the family". She was very much invited.
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post #8 of 21 (permalink) Old 11-26-2016, 03:02 PM
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Re: Christmas drama already

Sounds like someone is trying to lay a guilt trip on you with the "pushed out of the family" stuff.
If a concert takes priority over her family, she has already made a choice. Stick to your plans and let the one person who has a conflict work it out, instead of making conflicts for more people. Blood relatives definitely take precedence over in-laws. Let her sell her concert ticket or skip the dinner. I foresee more drama with this in-law.
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post #9 of 21 (permalink) Old 11-26-2016, 03:08 PM
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Re: Christmas drama already

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Actually it WAS my brother that was complaining on her behalf tbf. "She's very upset because she feels pushed out of the family". She was very much invited.
To which my reply would be " Well, she was invited, but she had other plans. If she wanted to, she could skip the concert."

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #10 of 21 (permalink) Old 11-26-2016, 03:13 PM
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Re: Christmas drama already

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To which my reply would be " Well, she was invited, but she had other plans. If she wanted to, she could skip the concert."


THIS.

Or maybe "We invited her and we really want her to be here with us for the holidays. Why don't you convince her to skip the concert and come be with family for Christmas?"


Do you hear the people sing / Lost in the valley of the night?
It is the music of a people / Who are climbing to the light.
For the wretched of the earth / There is a flame that never dies.
Even the darkest night will end / And the sun will rise...
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post #11 of 21 (permalink) Old 11-26-2016, 04:20 PM
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Re: Christmas drama already

I don't believe in holding the entire family hostage to one person's schedule. Especially for a concert. That's ridiculously selfish on her part. She can choose to go or not but having her husband complain to his family about it is just silly. Life really doesn't revolve around her.

No one should pay any attention whatsoever to her or her husband.
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post #12 of 21 (permalink) Old 11-26-2016, 05:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Christmas drama already

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THIS.

Or maybe "We invited her and we really want her to be here with us for the holidays. Why don't you convince her to skip the concert and come be with family for Christmas?"
Its in another part of the country, hotel booked and expensive tickets etc.
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post #13 of 21 (permalink) Old 11-26-2016, 05:36 PM
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Re: Christmas drama already

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Its in another part of the country, hotel booked and expensive tickets etc.
She always has a choice. The money is spent. She can choose to have Christmas with your family or not.

Don't let your Brother put his W's choices at your feet as your responsibility.

If he says to you what you just said to me, then I would probably just reply "We all understand if she's unwilling to come because of that. We'll miss her and look forward to having her next time."

Do you hear the people sing / Lost in the valley of the night?
It is the music of a people / Who are climbing to the light.
For the wretched of the earth / There is a flame that never dies.
Even the darkest night will end / And the sun will rise...
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post #14 of 21 (permalink) Old 11-27-2016, 08:08 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Christmas drama already

Thank you everyone. I think the drama has been diverted with a boxing day party for the offended guests.

Family....
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post #15 of 21 (permalink) Old 11-27-2016, 03:33 PM
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Re: Christmas drama already

Is this the same brother who has you babysitting his daughter on the weekends and then criticizes your housekeeping? If it is, I think you know that he doesn't get to go all righteous about 'family'. Time for someone to explain to him to that the world doesn't revolve around him and his latest mrs.
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